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Home Blood Test by Eugene Dradgechitch - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 09:49:54 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.397023 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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I heard it was possible to order a kit and take blood at home and then mail in the kit. Where can I do this? I searched around but couldn't find out where one can check both male and female hormone levels. Anyone know about this?
Eugene Chasslecheck - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 13:22:55 EST ID:fvCa8uk6 No.397026 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Well considering people go to school for months to become a phlebotomist Im surprised they even offer hone blood tests.
Charlotte Croffingbut - Mon, 01 Feb 2016 04:31:19 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.397041 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Hah I guess it sounds silly. But people here occasionally mention "home blood test kits" so I'd thought I'd ask.
Simon Clillersut - Fri, 05 Feb 2016 23:22:30 EST ID:e3nyZ+9q No.397115 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Just go to privatemdlabs
Fucking Gunkinlock - Thu, 11 Feb 2016 08:18:37 EST ID:QK0dXDnJ No.397186 Ignore Report Quick Reply


Change of color of progynova pills by Eugene Dradgechitch - Sat, 30 Jan 2016 23:17:59 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.397008 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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Hey /cd/,

I just got a shipment of HRT. Previously the progynova (estradiol valerate) had been blue. Now it's white. Anybody else know what I'm talking about? Did they just change the color of the dye or something?
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Eugene Chasslecheck - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 14:44:49 EST ID:fvCa8uk6 No.397028 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>Check the batch number and the code printed on the foil of the blister pack. These should match the batch number and code printed on the outside of the packet containing the blister pack.

Thats an easy way to see if theyre counterfeit. You should check the internet to see if both types of pacakging come up. Manufacturers change packaging all the time, however my estradiol always been blue when I get it from the pharmacy regardless of manufacturer.
Eugene Dradgechitch - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 17:19:36 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.397033 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Can't seem to find any database that I can search.
The batch number of the new estro is ZHR2672 if anyone knows where to do this.

I got it from ADC if that means anything.
Sophie Blathershaw - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 19:57:06 EST ID:fvCa8uk6 No.397034 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Check the box the blister pack came in and the blister pack to see if they match up.
You could also call a pharmacy and see if theyve ever seen estradiol valerate pills come in white, pose as a customer or something. Since theyre not scheduled I think you could get away with it
Charlotte Croffingbut - Mon, 01 Feb 2016 04:30:16 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.397040 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Box says:
>Estradiol valerate USP
>(Micronized) 2.0 mg
>Excipients q.s.
>Colour: Titanium Dioxide IP

Blister pack says:
>Estradiol valerate USP (Micronized) 2.0 mg
>Excipients q.s .
>Colour: Titanium Dioxide IP

Seems to be the same. So I guess it matches up. It seems like this one is micronized wheras the previous batches weren't. Micronized seems to mean finely ground. So I can't imagine that being a huge problem except for like altering the absorption profile of it and such (speeding it up). I'm just worried about like counterfeiting and such.
Barnaby Smallshit - Wed, 03 Feb 2016 08:37:23 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.397070 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I emailed ADC and they said that it's just a cosmetic change, and the potency should be the same, just for the record.

Voice Thread? by Reuben Bobbledine - Thu, 28 Jan 2016 06:22:48 EST ID:B6yBObDi No.396963 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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After you have found your female voice do you have to consciously be aware of what voice you are using everyday or does it eventually become second nature?
traplord tranny $$$ - Thu, 28 Jan 2016 09:19:14 EST ID:rxZgzhGx No.396966 Ignore Report Quick Reply
idk, yo, tell me what u define as a female voice?
Molly Dummerkudging - Thu, 28 Jan 2016 09:48:16 EST ID:V2PSpTU2 No.396970 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Gets easier and easier from what I've heard and experienced. But I don't use it all the time, so I'm not totally like 100% with it if that makes sense.
Nathaniel Pirrywodging - Sat, 30 Jan 2016 05:17:51 EST ID:sD1GpPYg No.396989 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I only really use my female voice while speaking to people over the internet atm. Mine passes very well according to people, and while using it, I have to make an effort to stay in it, but I never been told I slip into a male voice. Sometimes I feel like I am deeper than usual, or it's off, but apparently it's in my head.
Now for being in the voice all day every day for the most part, I can imaging it starts to replace as your regular voice, but idk yet.
Shitting Worthingwill - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 04:03:04 EST ID:S+BZQ63v No.397019 Ignore Report Quick Reply
when I haven't spoken for a long time, I will speak a little lower (though still female-sounding) and if I feel like it I will correct myself

when I'm at work I talk a lot which allows me to get my voice exactly where I want it, and I end up sounding really feminine and can even somewhat shout across the store without my voice sounding off
Hamilton Bonnerville - Sun, 31 Jan 2016 08:57:06 EST ID:tHoZ4iyv No.397022 Ignore Report Quick Reply
My female voice is my natural speaking voice. I might slip up when I'm alone and miserable, but I don't think it sounds like my original voice

I Cant Enjoy Porn Anymore by Ian Lightgold - Wed, 20 Jan 2016 23:19:52 EST ID:/Rk+rKer No.396795 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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I havent been able to really enjoy porn for about a year and a half. Its so fucking exploitive. Then the amateur stuff is pretty nasty sometimes. Im getting super conservative when it comes to things, I dont care what other people do but Im just getting so conservative.

>and I have to detransition for a few months.
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Esther Sendlebut - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 22:42:33 EST ID:YycAq8/G No.396930 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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a chaser is someone who chases trans people for sexual reasons.
usually a chaser is not attracted to a passing trans person - they are turned on by their 'best of both worlds' stuff.

So if you are a transgirl and you can find a guy who is willing to hold off on having sex for how-ever long it is until you get the surgery, then congrats.

I recently started working on my own issues regarding my junk and stuff, i have let him lick it once or twic, but mostly we do oral sex (me on him ) and fool around. We've tried a bunch of things.
His dick is actually too big for me to take anally which is why we are waiting till i can get the upgrade - whenever that will be.
we're celebrating our 1 year anniversary this weekend so im pretty sure he isnt a chaser - especially since they dont tend to stick around.
We've both been with a wide variety of people and body types.

>ITT naive trannies trying to understand that not everything sucks for all transwomen.
Lydia Crittingville - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 22:47:54 EST ID:Xi9m6jtT No.396931 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Hes probably not too desirable if hes content not fucking you. If he was hot he wouldn't put up with that.
Sidney Huffingdale - Sat, 30 Jan 2016 00:49:32 EST ID:rDIVrA9U No.396988 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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All I know is I am hanging out with three people and myself and my life sucks abnormally, Im on a whole different level of suck. How do I suck more than this. I literally am the uppper crust but my existence sucks more than anything. There are bums and reclusive billionaires whoi cant even be seen in public that have more fun than me.
Shitting Niggerhall - Sat, 30 Jan 2016 11:39:41 EST ID:DDdvPaKJ No.396992 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Rejecting everyone is part of the cycle of self-victimization. Anyone who show any interest is a chaser. The rest are creeps, faggots, cisscum, whatever. It's all just a way of avoiding engaging with people and getting a life which would void the special victim status.
Archie Semmerspear - Sat, 30 Jan 2016 13:19:31 EST ID:Kh7I9dKv No.396994 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>isnt life great

Lucky like a dog with a leash by sOME fUCKING fAGGOT - Wed, 20 Jan 2016 17:34:11 EST ID:Hz8QXEiz No.396784 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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So, I hit the jackpot 6 years back. I met someone wonderful online, we moved in together, made love, love each other, and grew together. Flash forward a year ago, we hit a stumbling block. It had been building a awhile, the sex happened less often, we fought more, we hated ourselves. She told me she was trans (MtF). I don't mid, so long as she's happy and being herself.

I don't know what to do now, though. All of the things she's been through, her life is/was like mine. Right down to the feelings and desires. That's why we clicked.
I think I might be too, but.... She isn't in to women. She's into me, though. How? Does this work? Can it work?
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Matilda Hittingstone - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 06:14:09 EST ID:WiFH9xX5 No.396887 Ignore Report Quick Reply
And the rest of us are tired of that mentality too. That anyone who is willing to accept anyone transgendered absolutely must be a chaser with no exceptions. Even if someone is weirded out by it and eventually accepts it because they cared about the person before they knew are labelled as chasers by people like you just because they don't outright hate.

Chasers are shit but calling everyone a chaser is also shit. A lot of people actually are chasers but not everyone is. I wish people would calm the fuck down about it, it's such a nice feeling to start to accept yourself enough to be in a relationship and realize some people actually can be okay with you more than you are with yourself. If more people tried to accept that maybe they would end up happy instead of hating themselves and everyone else even more.
youarefuckingfrothysmegma - Wed, 27 Jan 2016 21:38:04 EST ID:Hz8QXEiz No.396961 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Thanks bro. It's good to know there are people out there that hate me as much as I do. I mean, I was in a relationship with her before she even came out, but whatever, assmunch.
Esther Foppertid - Wed, 27 Jan 2016 23:26:57 EST ID:rDIVrA9U No.396962 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>a pulse
I like that.
Eugene Fuckleville - Fri, 29 Jan 2016 17:53:46 EST ID:m2D5UkTS No.396984 Ignore Report Quick Reply
The fuck? So you are two gay guys who both decided to transition eventually ?
youarefuckingfrothysmegma - Fri, 29 Jan 2016 20:43:08 EST ID:Hz8QXEiz No.396986 Ignore Report Quick Reply
That's how it would look from the outside, I suppose. I'm not gay, I like:
She only likes guys, or so she says.
I'm aware of how ridiculous we are. Freud would have the biggest giggleshitfit at this situation. I constantly wonder how it got this way.

But you said... by John Bronningsotch - Fri, 29 Jan 2016 12:36:21 EST ID:pigt/M47 No.396981 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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I will be Queen! Stick with me and you'll never go hungry again!

Moobs&boobs by Anita Goodshit - Thu, 28 Jan 2016 13:21:47 EST ID:artyBv5g No.396973 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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Do boobs layer under moobs or do they combine into some kind of horrendous abominations? I'm starting e next month and still have moobs as I can't for the love of me get rid of them. I've massaged them regularly for a pretty long time now so they aren't as mooby as they used to be. Does anyone have any experience on this?
Faggy Sivinglock - Thu, 28 Jan 2016 13:56:48 EST ID:3IfocRgW No.396974 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Breast tissue grows right on the ribs/ muscle. Fat develops on top of that. That's what happened to grow your moobs, it will continue like that on E.

Cum on HRT by Samuel Goodshit - Wed, 27 Jan 2016 06:52:39 EST ID:8DQ6p4b/ No.396946 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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My cum has become much less voluminous, after around half a year on 200 mg spiro 6 mg valerate /day. It's probably like 1/10 of the original volume or less. But, it isn't fully clear. It's a bit whitish. So do you think my T is high or what? Or is that normal for transgirls or what.
traplord tranny $$$ - Thu, 28 Jan 2016 09:21:39 EST ID:rxZgzhGx No.396968 Ignore Report Quick Reply
lmao truuuu

You'll Never Forget the Name... Goldust. by Archie Peddleway - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 22:37:08 EST ID:H5HTYGA8 No.396928 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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During the 1990's in the pro wrestling world there was a character introduced who went by the name of "Goldust". Now this character was described as "androgynous" or having androgynous qualities.

Now seeing as we do not live in the fucking past anymore and considering how language constantly changes and evolves which sees the introduction of newer words and terms. Would this word still be a good word to describe the type of character that Goldust was or would another word be more fitting?

What inspired this thread was looking at a list of terms for sexuality and gender identity, most the latter, and one word caught my eye. It's a word that I was well familiar with and has been around for sometime so it's not entirely new. But would the term "genderqueer" be a better word to use when describing the original Goldust character?

Link to the page I was viewing when this character came to mind.

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its your boy fruitsnacks - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 23:15:55 EST ID:S3oNAtTN No.396932 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Fanny Chondleworth - Tue, 26 Jan 2016 09:08:31 EST ID:EujtfyBd No.396934 Ignore Report Quick Reply
You are a fucking idiot, OP.
Phyllis Sickleforth - Tue, 26 Jan 2016 12:23:37 EST ID:XI5CNrcR No.396936 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I stopped reading at "pro wrestling"
Betsy Barddock - Tue, 26 Jan 2016 14:49:10 EST ID:ti9qdLY/ No.396939 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Yes, the rich arsenal of gender-analytical terminology can indeed be used to describe goldust more precisely, but I think the notions you'd be looking at for this purpose would be gender-nonconformity and genderfuckery.

Beyond that, the character is an intensely blatant allusion to hollywood antics.

I doubt he's supposed to have much of a gender identity. Maybe even not much of an identity all-around?
Augustus Grandstone - Tue, 26 Jan 2016 19:09:57 EST ID:15D8kUXE No.396942 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I remember that guy. My brothers used to wrestle a giant stuffed Pooh Bear and call him Rikishi.

I think the andro and gyn parts of androgynous mean you have properties of both, that's probably how it's used to describe his character. Today we'd probably say it means "people can't tell." But he'd still fit that definition if people couldn't tell which were the dominant properties (have boobs & beard, are you man with boobs or woman with beard?)

sPJ and anyone lol by Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 13:38:43 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396903 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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Do you think that maybe sometimes someone's starting point/how well their transition goes(not counting just needz moar efforts!) might actually could be the reason someone either makes it/sticks with transition or not? And not actually because one person is more trans than the other? Or two scenarios with perhaps the only subtlest of differences if at all, depending on what one believes, between two people with the same "transness," not that one can tell, or perhaps with the same "pathology" if you will, or between two definitely trans/internally women peoples? Or again perhaps will you always think some more effort will help along with some self-love and anyone can be happy with any point that way? Or any point reached by someone genuinely trying perhaps?

Is life fair is there a way!?! basically. Lol. I already know life isn't "fair"(how did anyone ever get that idea in their head? as in how did I get that/who put that in my head? That there is always a way things will work out and it be good? Maybe if you've accepted death right, but not even then. Anyway my summation for spirituality is "everything will work out one way or another, until you're dead and then you dgaf" lol those all presume death to be the worst case scenario I suppose, or the ultimate fear anyway that everything else manages to stem from in one way or another) so eh ;P anyway beside the point.

Related question would be what is exactly being a woman? Besides appearance. No vague mess either lol. There are masculine women and feminine men. How does the idea of a women living with a man's appearance, and even voice, naturally, etc hit ya? What would that look like? How others treat you might actually influence action here too I could easily see that, like if stronger then lift things, etc. expected to take care of yourself, etc.

Might there be a better intermediate for some people(like say only dressing sometimes with someone who understands(not that clothes really seem to be like a necessary thing to "identity" but obvs things can play in, etc not the point again), find a partner who understands and accommodates, etc) ?

Or is it trans or suicide? That seems ho…
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Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 14:28:49 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396908 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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Thanks for the input! Actually though, thinking about it and what I was getting at, I think, a 'hon" would be someone that stuck with it, even though it "didn't go well," sorta regardless of when they started I guess.

I easily agree I think that how "trans you are" doesn't determine how well your transition will go, maybe even when you start etc as you were implying maybe intentionally or not, might help some or not with mannerisms etc but yeah I don't think that was actually what I was getting at. I didn't really want to delineate different types of trans people for this conversation, I was just attempting to field as many considerations as possible? So I guess actuallyyyyyyyyyyyyy part of what I'm asking/what plays into it is the idea that a transwoman might choose to say detransition or not transition as opposed to living as a "hon" or non-passing transwoman, with there being different degrees of not-passing to consider there as well. Like if someone just really doesn't pass and there's hardly any feminine styles that would be flattering? Creating this scenario lol, when in real life it'll probably be somewhat inbetween, but still. If someone might choose that option even though they aren't any "less trans," especially than the next person that it turned out well for and that stuck with it. I guess I didn't really think about the option of just living as an extremely non-passing transwoman, not that that isn't an option or there is anything wrong with it of course. I mean shit perfectly passing always is probably as rare as someone that is extremely non-passing so I guess potentially we all deal with it some. It might still be better or worth it even if very not passing, or if someone can be okay with it then kudos to them and possibly they are really amazing for being able to handle it or maybe it ain't even such a thing to them and good for them there too. Way to leave out an option omg go me.
Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 14:32:44 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396909 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I guess I should've said, is it trans or suicide or "hon"/living and presenting even if not passing(again though someone might argue there that you can get to some point that should be acceptable to yourself with genuine/possibly a lot of effort?)? nb
Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 14:37:51 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396910 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I think everything I was considering put "hon" under the umbrella of trans in the "trans or suicide" question, because I am inherently talking about someone that won't pass well/at all with this thread/idea. argblablebn Shit Blatherbury is such a good name for me right now lol. Okay I guess that means there might not be as much of an issue with what you said after all sorta. Like you simply could've said "everyone here would be a hon or suicided over it if the were born in the 70s" unless there are other options.

It was just a little bit different facet of the same thing, or perhaps I guess it isn't actually the issue I was bringing up, and sorta maybe already agreed with though might still be irrelevant to what I was getting at, like it's a decision past that point. It's already not gone well in my scenario =P
Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 14:47:10 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396911 Ignore Report Quick Reply
and hopefully last post for a while lol, my thread is about whether or not there are "other options" as I said in the post I'm replying to in the "unless there are other options" part, for sayyy, someone that is actually trans as one might say.

Orrr I guess, I did bring up that maybe two people, one who's transition went well, and one who's didn't, same transness etc, if one person might not stick with it because it genuinely didn't go well, and maybe find a way to be okay, while the other one also transitioned happily? Is that possible or is there something else going? I guess I partially just thought of that as a situation and there's not much to say except for either it could happen, or yes there is something else like they couldn't be the same transness or depends on the level of transness for that to be possible, some level of transness wouldn't allow for that, etc and I guess that is a little more complex. Just knowing what the question actually is is like 90% of answering it huh!? haha for oneself I kinda mean there but anyway =P nb
Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 16:38:48 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396916 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I think I figured it out, your comment is totally relevant if you had left of the last line, it would've implied you agreed that at times whether or not people "make it"/stick with transition is dependent on how well it goes.

The last comment through it or me off, because hon implies the sticking with it anyway, on it's own as a concept but I think maybeee you like were more just being saucy with that comment rather than like making a concise statement to the discussion, like you all wouldn't have transitioned as soon and things might not've gone as well and you wouldn't have been on your high horse then! type thing, rather than making the comment(simply by using the word hon) that they would've stuck with it anyway though. Or you know idk for sure what you meant there but I just feel separating those two lines made less brain circles hahaha. Yeah lol. /autism or whatever

Fantasies when im sad? by Hedda Cruttingfuck - Sun, 24 Jan 2016 19:10:22 EST ID:XZgVNA7P No.396868 Ignore Report Reply Quick Reply
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im 25, i remember fantasizing about being a girl since i was 12 (mostly sexual fantasies, but me being a girl) ... sometimes these feelings invade me so hard i start acting effeminate, but i dont do it on purpose, even some friends have told me i was acting "strange"
I noticed these feelings and fantasies are more recurring when im sad (forgot to say i suffer low self esteem) in these moments i wish more i could be a girl, i have more fantasies being a girl, sometimes so hard i start looking for some boy that make me feel girlish or to buy hormones, but some days later i return to my "normal" state and i feel scared of what i´ve done
What happens to me? what should i do?
Rebecca Shakewater - Sun, 24 Jan 2016 22:23:28 EST ID:wfUaRehE No.396876 Ignore Report Quick Reply
When I was in that position (at 25 also) I started seeing a therapist and figuring out if transition was right for me. Bro, if you're going to do it, start looking into it now. If you wait, you just guarantee regret that you didn't figure it out at this age.

You won't be able to figure it out just by talking to people online, so see a professional as soon as you can.

Turns out I was a huge tranny, and I got really lucky with how everything turned out. 28 now and transition is complete.
Hedda Cruttingfuck - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 01:51:19 EST ID:XZgVNA7P No.396882 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Well im not sure if i really need/want to transition, i´ve read lots of cases of trans people who transition is their only way, but i feel this not apply to me...
When i was 19-20 was my worst identity crisis in my life, that time i was sure i wanted to transition, when i was alone i tried to act feminine, saw me in a mirror and posing feminine, but also i looked for hormones and t blockers, fortunately or not i only found t blockers, but none of hormones... today thinking of hrt scares me.
I think it should be enough for me to crossdress, so i could feel girlish for some minutes/hours
Hedda Cruttingfuck - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 02:01:52 EST ID:XZgVNA7P No.396883 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Yes, maybe i should talk to one
I havent seen like that, but the strange thing is for example when im not sad i fantasize "normally" with girls, sometimes as a girl, but i noticed when my self esteem lowers my fantasies are mostly being a girl, also i start acting effeminate, i never noticed it until a friend told me.
I dont identify me as a trans, or at least not the classic -feeling in the wrong body- i dont hate my body, but if i could feminize it without secondary effects i would do it.
Shit Blatherbury - Mon, 25 Jan 2016 11:11:28 EST ID:9QAGTSne No.396892 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I just want to say that this person is totally "theorizing" or essentially guessing off of tiny bits you've told them, not saying this to encourage you to transition cuz I mean it is kinda rough and shitty often and perhaps in general lol and is a lot to go through, but like idk seemed kinda irresponsible on their part. I could as easily guess that when your life is going well and you are feeling good then of course you can kinda overlook issues and have the energy to act the part but it breaks down when you get sad. See. Stories. No one knows lmao. It's terribly difficult. It's so weird how how we view ourselves can change depending on what stories we tell ourselves, or how "comfortable" we feel. She's also just really put off right now that you mentioned the sexual thing presumably because of the other thread =P(at not OP, the other person that replied that I'm referencing, sPJ, I often like your posts too I'm not just trying to be shitty to you lol) Again though I'm not here to suggest you are trans or are not trans, just to make it more difficult I guess sorry =/ nb sorry again life is cray
Martin Sadgewell - Thu, 18 Feb 2016 11:07:28 EST ID:fuepgz8i No.397333 Ignore Report Quick Reply
So basically you're a gender fetishist?

It's ok to fantasize about being a girl. It's very normal. Please don't interpret this as the same as being transgendered.

I mean ultimately you should figure out why when your "self esteem" is low you decide to fantasize about being a girl. My thoughts are that you see women as intrinsically more submissive and lesser, which is why you think about it when you're sad. You can't cope that male isn't always about dominance, masculinity or even happiness so you think having a vagina is better.

Ultimately if you transition you're just giving "transphobes" more ammo and evidence that most transgender people are just weird sexist fetishists pretending to be progressive. If you're actually transgendered it wouldn't be a mood or a fantasy, it'd be an obsession that was not healthy. Like, really not healthy. Not "I act effeminate around my friends", more like "I want to cut my dick off and turn it inside out because it's better than nothing, and if I don't I'll kill myself".

Nb because a few pages in.

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