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I feel very uncomfortable with my body. I like to keep covered up. I have long periods of feeling low, where I can't interact with other people, or go outside. I'll give you some background.
Since I was very young I wouldn't wear girl clothes until I had to go to school. I would play with toys that where.. well they girls toys. After school was over for the day, me and my mum would go to a famity friends house. My best friend was a girl a year younger than me, I didn't understand that there was a difference, still(and lets be honest a 6 or 7 year old doesnt know the diffrence? ). I would get excited about going over because we would play "dress up" and we would try on lots of clothes and make up. I was not a very observant child. We would go for baths together as children do, one of my friends sisters was a bit older and she used to play with us. But one day she didn't want to. I still remember my brother having to take me aside and tell me, that I wasn't a girl, and explaining that boys have "willys" and girls have "fannys" and I couldn't keep dressing up, because his friends where starting to notice basically and had heard rumors. I did what my brother told me to do. He was right to an extent. I couldn't keep acting how I was, I grew up in a rural area, a small village in the UK, word spreads quickly in places like this even between children. As time went on my dad would ask me to choose new toys and would say things like "your getting to old to play with this now" I grew up very confused. My mum and dad had divorced when I was maybe 5, and I didn't see my dad for very long periods. My mum moved out when I was 6 I think, she thought it was important to keep the friends me and my older brother had already made at school so she would take me and my brother to school every morning. Because she had to work now and because we lived in the middle of no where I spent a lot of time on our family computer. I remember the first time playing worms on a dial-up connection. But anyway we moved around a lot I think maybe 5 or 6 times. I was like 11 or 12 when I started puberty. Now. This is when I realised I might be different to the other boys in my class. Soon after, it was time to go to secondary school, I grew my hair out because I could and it felt good. I met people from different backgrounds, I found fashion, me and a few others where "scene kids" or "emos". I loved this. I could wear make up and style my hair to look how I wanted. As I got older, my friends all moved on with what the new trends where. I really struggled to though and never did through out the whole time I was at school. My mum then passed away just as I left school and my dad all of a sudden came back from Africa "to be there" for me and my brother. I was 15 now. Before my mum died she had helped me apply for a college in a city in another part of the UK so I left where I grew up and moved there. I finished my first year and my dad said I needed to come home and work because what I was studying was not very practical at that time. I came home. I still had never had a girl friend. But that changed when I met a girl who liked my hair and stuff. She said I was cute and was pretty cool. I met her family, they where nice. I lived with my dad for a very short time. He became physically abusive and would throw out my clothes and call me "faggot". We never had a good relationship, not then anyway. After 6 months of dating my first girl friend she left me for an older woman. I was probably 19 now and I had discovered drugs. I was always very interested in phychodelics since I was very young 14 or younger possibly. But after the acid and mushrooms I started taking heroin and benzos. I had money so I decided not to work I would take huge amounts of benzos and opiates and it felt good being able to just sleep all day. I moved back with my dad because it was out of control, I was taking more than 30 etizolam a day with really good heroin. He took the rains, I had to take my piercings out and he got me a job working on a building site, I was no longer taking heroin, but I was still taking large amounts of benzos. It was legal then and easy to get. I felt weird working there. I left after 5 months. While working there I met a guy and I kinda liked him but he was straight, it was through him I met my girlfriend. She is the nicest girl I've ever met. She loved cocaine at the time lol. I spent a lot of money to feed her and my habit, and I ran out of money that my mum had left me. (Btw I don't enjoy cocaine personally, it's just a matter of personal preference I was taking heroin again) we both got clean. Well some what, I still have to take benzos but I'm in rehab still, she managed to come off of coke by her self. Now we live together. I'm not really sure how the last 7 years panned out like this.
I go to college again, but I hate being clean, I feel dysphoria and jelousy towards my girl friend which is shit for her because it comes out in weird ways. She has a background in medicine so I spoke to her about how I feel when I'm not taking drugs. She is the only one I've talked to about it, about a year and a half ago now. Her response was sweet, she is very supportive, but gets angry sometimes because she's straight. She shuts the conversation down before I can start it most of the time now. She accepts that I need to be clean shaven or waxed, and I think she enjoys my company especially when we have money to shop or go out and get coffee and suntan. I get my eye brows done with her and we binge watch Netflix together. She however does not want me to seek professional advise. She will make sure I regularly go to a barber, and as I'm sure your aware with any relationship we argue about stuff quite alot. I don't just want to look female, ive felt this way for along time. It's not something I can turn on and off, well lots of seditives help... but I'm pretty sure that's not the way forward. I think it's time I face my self and stop hiding behind a drug. I understand that my girlfriend will probably not support it but I want what's inside to match what's outside. I'm sick of wearing a mask. I want to start 2018 right and be my self.