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n+1 by Henry Pockspear - Sat, 05 May 2018 20:22:10 EST ID:ImY/LGTn No.405209 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1525566130805.jpg -(538909B / 526.28KB, 428x808) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 538909
I transitioned for gossip and compliments, lipstick and mascara, for crying at the movies, for being someone’s girlfriend, for letting her pay the check or carry my bags, for the benevolent chauvinism of bank tellers and cable guys, for the telephonic intimacy of long-distance female friendship, for fixing my make-up in the bathroom flanked like Christ by a sinner on each side, for sex toys, for feeling hot, for getting hit on by butches, for that secret knowledge of which dykes to watch out for, for Daisy Dukes, bikini tops, and all the dresses, and, my god, for the breasts. But now you begin to see the problem with desire: we rarely want the things we should.
Nell Dellerdock - Sun, 06 May 2018 07:29:02 EST ID:Mh9Cu0qP No.405212 Ignore Report Quick Reply

I remember pre transition thinking i was going to be someone totally different from who i became. Transition fixed something inside me which radically changed my perspective on life, i never realised how broken i was pre-transition because the illness was blocking my vision from reality.
Speaker for the Dead - Mon, 06 Aug 2018 21:31:44 EST ID:w5BTj8zG No.405583 Ignore Report Quick Reply

I hear this a lot on /cd/ but I (personally) never see anyone elaborate it without being hyper-ironic or shitposting. Can you elaborate on what you experienced? Starting HRT a week from today.
David Gottingkack - Wed, 08 Aug 2018 19:13:56 EST ID:mpUORh9i No.405586 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Another vote for explanation please, though I've been on HRT for about three years now. I didn't experience any change in who I was or my perspectives. In fact, I'm more depressed, feel worse and will probably be "opting out." The reason being that my transition flopped and no money to take it further, as biology failed and now surgeries are my only chance. Looking at before/afters and timelines full of hope leads to serious disappointment when things don't really go anywhere. But then, maybe I suffer some estrogen insensitivity which may explain lack of changes physically or mentally.
Caroline Shittingworth - Thu, 09 Aug 2018 08:07:46 EST ID:Mh9Cu0qP No.405590 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Sorry, ive been busy with uni and really only up for shitposting tier stuff. but ill give it a go i guess.

Before i transitioned i had this idea that everything was going to pivot into exactly what i had anticipated, i would gain a whole bunch of new girl friends, i would do all the typical girly things that i had dreamed about growing up repressing my feelings.

But what i found was that, that image is a constructed image, i didn't transition to be some girly girl who giggles and flirts with horny men, i transitioned to be myself and that person i thought i would become isnt who i was, thats who advertisement companies wanted me to be.
In reality, im a pretty average woman, i dont really flirt that much with men in fact most men scare me these days. My perspective on the world radically changed and this isnt a "beware" type post its just that, what society advertises to you about what a woman is, is a fantasy, its an idealised version of what they want a woman to be.

It comes back to this old idea of the "hun/hon" the transwoman who tries to be what they think a woman is rather than being themselves. like.. dont transition to be a woman transition to be yourself.

In regards to the chick whos thinking about detransitioning. third year. woooooooooooooow thats the first time ive ever heard that coming from a 3rd year transwoman. No seriously, if you dont consider detransitioning in your third year then theres something wrong. its healthy to re-evaluate where you are and where you're going. Because now all the exciting changes are done, theres no more excitement coming to you outside of trans-dom now, your breasts might change a little but its not significant.
I had the 3rd year de-transition moment, obviously i kept on, but honestly i was very seriously close to stopping the only thing that kept me going was realising how much happier i actually was compared to when i was as a male.

Anyways. I hope thats helped out either one of you?
Charlotte Huffingfoot - Thu, 09 Aug 2018 09:07:40 EST ID:Z3aWCBsq No.405591 Ignore Report Quick Reply

It seems like in order to find inner peace and self-acceptance while transitioning certain idea about gender, identity, etc., have to be let go of.

I've been transitioning for around 4 years and even recently I have been worrying less about identity and such and more just acting and presenting myself how I want to.

In some sense it seems to me like transitioning and accepting oneself requires a shift in perspective as >>405212 mentioned. Like I feel like early transition one might worry about "am I realwly a female?" and things like that, but after a while it's more about doing what you feel comfortable with rather than such types of existential questions and worries, at least in my experience, if that makes sense.

Might sound a bit vague, but yeah.
Graham Ferringstock - Thu, 09 Aug 2018 10:03:49 EST ID:mpUORh9i No.405593 Ignore Report Quick Reply

Actually I'm not thinking of detransitioning. "Opting out" meant out of life. I know there's some kind of rule about sayig it so I tried to be vague, but I guess I was too vague.

Thing is, there were never really any exciting changes. I got the beginning of a few changes and then it just stopped. Like freezing in place an inch from the starting line, having only experienced a quarter of less of the changes HRT "promised" when looking up changes online. No terminus hairs became vellus, though my skin seemed to develop folliculitis, making things bad. I grew peanuts up top - not even a AAA cup. I have to wish I didn't even grow that, because then BE would be covered (where I live); the tiny bit of near-nothing tissue disqualifies me. Not much fat redistribution. Supposedly I pass, which I constantly doubt and still hate my face. I only did so once I got far enough with laser. I had/have hair loss, and while a lot came back with dutasteride and more recently minoxidil, not all of it did.

I had hoped for much more. So combine a really crappy life with a basically failed transition... And there isn't anything to live for. Surgeries exist, but are impossible to attain - like drowning with a life raft right there, just forever out of reach.

Never had any ideas about being a completely different person or stereotyped woman pre-transition. I was a depressed shut-in and thought I would stay a depressed shut-in, hopefully just hating myself less and maybe getting to a point where I could be myself and be comfortable enought to work on issues affecting me. I always thought trans people who suddenly felt so much better on HRT were experiencing mental placebo effects and thought I wouldn't, but I did experience some of those placebo effects. The whole "finally getting on HRT (slowly)!" Those feelings were short lived though, and my hopes got dashed.

Anyway, thanks for explaining further. It's interesting to hear others' perspectives on it.

Thanks for your input as well.
Charlotte Huffingfoot - Thu, 09 Aug 2018 11:48:40 EST ID:Z3aWCBsq No.405595 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Are you sure your hormone levels are in the right range? Have you gotten blood tests? Maybe you could use more estrogen. I get the part about not thinking you pass even if people say you do though, dysphoria can shape how we view our own face/body.
Graham Ferringstock - Thu, 09 Aug 2018 14:45:18 EST ID:mpUORh9i No.405596 Ignore Report Quick Reply

I was getting blood tests pretty frequently although not recently. Levels were always fine. Maybe even high estrogen. I'm on 6 mg, and usually take 4 mg of it in halves sublingually throughout the day. Got an MRI about half a year ago to check for prolactinoma. Of course, levels won't matter if I'm any degree of insensitive, but the endo I've seen says it can't/won't be tested.

An idea was kicked around that I have body dysmorphic disorder on top of dysphoria and am working on a bit of CBT for BDD, but it's not doing anything for me.
Wesley Lightwell - Fri, 10 Aug 2018 06:40:27 EST ID:anuX8NSM No.405600 Ignore Report Quick Reply
How about your testosterone levels? 6mg oral/sublingual isn't actually that high contrary to popular opinion it seems to me. Consider injections maybe. And maybe progesterone? My breasts got a bit rounder since going on progesterone. But yeah make sure your T is low.

Dysmorphia is difficult to deal with. After a while you aren't sure how you 'actually' look since theres so much negativity associated with your own appearance. But positive thinking and self-love can help. Retraining your mental pathways. And there is surgery too.
Cyril Hamblewell - Fri, 10 Aug 2018 12:16:40 EST ID:mpUORh9i No.405601 Ignore Report Quick Reply

All tests showed my testosterone pretty much wiped out. I was on 100 mg cyproterone, prescribed by the first endo I saw, then the second endo I saw dropped me to 50 mg to drop my prolactin levels. Somehow the test after the drop showed even lower T levels. I've been on progesterone on and off for a quite while. I did remember noticing a rounding effect, but not much and it did nothing for size.

I'd love to try injections. I actually got a prescription for them from my first endo, near the end of my time seeing him although for some reason he prescribed a low dose of it at 10mg q 2/52 in comparison to my 6 mg. Unfortunately, I can't really afford them and they're not covered while pills are. I'm on disability.

I don't seem capable of positive thinking or self-love. Hate everything about myself and it's been a crapshoot of a life; it seems too late to try to make something of it now. I think my perspective is reasonably objective and trying to convince myself otherwise is like trying to believe leprechauns exist. I'm not sure how wrong I am about my appearance. For my face, I think it's feminine enough to pass at a glance and let me be gendered correctly, unless a stranger lingers too long. Then they probably start to wonder. As for my body... it's a fatty hairy guy body with slight gynecomastia. Working on the fat and getting laser for the hair, but it's a slow process. Wide shoulders, narrow hips, ugly nipples, thinned out hair, etc. Maybe if I wasn't trans and was fit, it might be some kind of ideal body. Too bad things never line up like that.

Oh, I know there's surgery. It's one of the things that makes me more hopeless as I know I'll never afford it. At least, not until I'm in my 60s or 70s through saving up, if ever. "No thanks."

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