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My Past Foolishness by starbrother !CGFwIbbIo6 - Sun, 01 Jul 2018 09:15:46 EST ID:GNi6srWd No.156676 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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Hey everyone, how's it going? I hope you folks are all doing ok and not binging too hard, and for those of you that are, it will get better.

A recent thread made me think about all of the foolish things I spent time writing, reading and "learning" about while on dxm and dph. I seriously have accumulated thousands of text documents over the years I did drugs (from about 20 to 29)

Since I used to be active here, I figured it might be fun to look back on the things I used to think, from way before I ever found this place, the time while I Was on here daily and wanted to be a mod, and then after.

I put a few documents into a folder and I'll post them slowly, I know some of them in the screenshot say they were made this year, but I think that's just because I copied them over recently, this is all from years ago.

Maybe this will entertain some folks and even more hopefully, be a warning about the cumulative amount of loss you can go through when you deal with things by abusing drugs.

I'm not saying I'm morally superior to anyone, far from it, I just worry about all of the folks that do this drug as well as dxm since the barrier for entry is so simple to get around. I feel like I may have inadvertently influenced people to try it in the past and this won't reverse that, but it's still penance in a way.

So let's look at the cringy ass stuff I used to write!
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Cyril Turveycocke - Sun, 01 Jul 2018 10:27:03 EST ID:k6AA//4z No.156678 Ignore Report Quick Reply
hello starbro. i've been a fan of yours for years. never had a tripcode but ive been lurking this board for about a decade now. i will be monitoring this thread
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Emma Weppernotch - Sun, 01 Jul 2018 12:36:36 EST ID:u+BD6xx+ No.156679 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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monitoring this thread.

Much love, OP
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starbrother !CGFwIbbIo6 - Sun, 01 Jul 2018 13:36:20 EST ID:GNi6srWd No.156680 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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Here is a document I wrote over a few trips, usually afterwards when I could spell again. Looking at it now I can only shake my head, but I guess that's how it is with anything you did in the past.




Convergence

I think i get it now.

To explain it in our terms, each dimension is connected to a least one other one by a certain set of rules, but the rules are not static. If our earth was connected to the shadow realm, it could be connected by many things or just one. In the past both have happened, and the results were different each time. our species was far different back then, but that's about as far as I can say on that, as im not capable of comprehending things otside of my timeline. In any case, under certain conditions, if something happens to the person, people thing or things that connect the two dimensions then nearly anything at all can happen. Entire alternate universes can cease existing, planets can collapse in on themselves and civilizations ca disappear from the flow of time altogether. In order to prevent that from happening to this dimension, we must make sure to have what you would call a back-up, in case something happens to the primary dimensionsal link.


Each time you tamper with the concentration of certain substances in what you call your "brain", you become able to temporarily interact with, or at least detect elements of the nearest dimension to yours. A side effect of this is that over time your "brain" can become able to detect dimensional nearness anomalies without any direct help from substances. The one that we humans call the "hatman" is an example of what happens when a human interacts with this dimension too often. He is able to travel between this one and his home dimension at will, but since he has no connections then he is simply wandering along, never feeling any emotion, just sterile indifference.


These are the entities I've identified so far that inhabit eiriel, i need to add slender bunnis and hipwoods to the list later on

delvers-normal human who can see the shadow realm

shadowmen
The things that inhabited the dph realm first. They don't talk, just amble about.

Spogs
Body of a dog, but has eight jointed legs like a spider and a long spike for a mouth.

Hworles
A big eye on the back of a turtle-like creature, benign so far

Straubs
three legged things that try to pinch me



Well, that's the first one!
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Fiend !!1C9jE+w+ - Mon, 02 Jul 2018 01:46:25 EST ID:2lMgAhAZ No.156685 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156680
TBH you were part of my inspiration and induction into the world of /del/. But I can thank you both for sharing those experiences and your new ones in sobriety. It's helped me both in, and now out of rabbit holes, and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way (in this timeline, teehe). I think going down the hole and coming out the other side can potentially make us stronger in the long run. For me it's been about synthesizing even the most disparate experiences into a coherent mental library that one can sort through objectively (or as "objective" as a mind examining itself can be).

That being said I do want to note some incredible similarities between your experiences and mine.
> To explain it in our terms, each dimension is connected to a least one other one by a certain set of rules, but the rules are not static.
> If our earth was connected to the shadow realm, it could be connected by many things or just one.
> In the past both have happened, and the results were different each time.
Yep. Been down the whole multidimensional thing in many different directions. /psy/dis/ is one realm. /dis/del another. But no 2 connections between the 2 are ever truly repeatable, though nearly identical paths to nearly identical dimensions surface occasionally.
> In any case, under certain conditions, if something happens to the person, people thing or things that connect the two dimensions then nearly anything at all can happen.
I even once saw the shadow realm once on nothing but Nitrous. There were no entities there, but it was very clearly some sort of dark– inverse of everything I knew about Nitrous up to that point.
> Each time you tamper with the concentration of certain substances in what you call your "brain", you become able to temporarily interact with, or at least detect elements of the nearest dimension to yours.
Yep. It's like traversing a function through a graph of the multiverse.
> A side effect of this is that over time your "brain" can become able to detect dimensional nearness anomalies without any direct help from substances.
That's a cute way of describing HPPD. I like it.
> shadowpeople*: The things that inhabited the dph realm first. They don't talk, just amble about.
Yep. Definitely the ancients of the realm. They don't need words to serve their purpose.

The biggest difference though is I always thought of Hatman as the gatekeeper to the realm (which I do like to call Eiriel despite not having ever taken 2g myself). They** welcomed me on my very first 700+ dose (technically 750mg) and though they certainly are mostly indifferent, I do felt they have a job, not to wander between this realm and that, but to keep tabs on those who do.

  • I always thought of them as genderless.
** Singular, again about gender neutrality. I think Hatman is not an improper name for them, but I don't think the name is just that.
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Pica - Mon, 02 Jul 2018 14:32:30 EST ID:sT+UzhUO No.156687 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156680
Don't forget about the spookkites,
Half bird, half spider, half pterodactyl (and yes it does have three halves thats just how things work on The Flipside.

>156885
Ha! Jokes on you damnit, I can understand inside jokes too!
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Pica - Mon, 02 Jul 2018 14:37:50 EST ID:sT+UzhUO No.156688 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156687
You have to harness the power of your finger electricity to shoot the down btw, in case anyone was wondering. Time proven method for knocking the wasps and spiders off the walls too.
Try it, you'll thank me later....


Does it make it wierd that these are being posted from the psych ward? I won't tell if you don't, nurse need to hurry the fuck up with dat ativan doe.....
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starbrother !CGFwIbbIo6 - Mon, 02 Jul 2018 19:49:04 EST ID:ws0bG/L/ No.156690 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156685
Well, I tried many different drugs during the years I did them and there are some that I would say were neutral, trending toward pseudo positive at best. The reason I can't call any drug experience truly positive is that in the end, no matter how amazing or eye opening a trip can be, it is taking a shortcut, getting instant gratification instead of doing the work and achieving the goal on your own without needing the drug in the first place.

Granted, there are many things you might not even think to try until they happen during a trip (I didn't learn how to talk to my brain until I did dxm, I always I WAS my brain, but I learned I can ask my brain things and it will do it's best to do whatever, within reason) and so it can be good in that you learn about something that you can do, but then you might think you can only do whatever that cool thing is when on drugs, which is not the case.

I can safely say after 7-9 years with deliriants that there is nothing positive to be gained from it for me, I gained nothing but regrets and hppd that took half a year to go away. I saw many crazy things, heard crazy things and did innumerable stupid and dangerous things, but I am no stronger for it.

The best way I can think of to say it is that if I chose to hit myself in the head with a hammer really hard, I would certainly survive and heal up, but I wouldn't really be any stronger. Some drugs can open your eyes or help with chronic conditions to be sure, but deliriants are just poking your brain with a stick and swirling it around.

I'm not intending to be negative here, just realistic. Something people rarely talk about is the insidious way that dph can and will make you start rationalizing increased dph usage, just like any drug really, but since it's so cheap the rationalizations only increase in number.

Well, I'll pick another stupid document out tonight!
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Fuck Brottingstore - Tue, 03 Jul 2018 08:31:55 EST ID:j2MYVHuo No.156693 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>156685
>>156690
i'd be curious to hear either of your opinions on Ambien hallucinations. i've never /del/ved and i don't particularly plan to, but i believe one of the most similar experiences i've ever had has been on large doses of ambien. they've never been super common but they're much harder to distinguish from reality than any other drug i've tried. i've seen a "hatman" of sorts (though he wasn't particularly threatening), except the hat he was wearing was something like pic related instead of a wide brimmed black hat. he was still wearing the long coat but it was a sort of beige cream color and i'm pretty sure it mightve been a bathrobe. anyway it was really fucking weird because he seemed so much like the hatman i had heard so much about but like, a slumber party version. fuckin ambien man
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Fiend !!1C9jE+w+ - Tue, 03 Jul 2018 10:52:23 EST ID:2lMgAhAZ No.156694 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156690
I didn't mean that specifically deliriant use has helped me grow. I meant walking a treacherous path in general with drug use. I obviously wouldn't recommend anyone go off the deep end as a means to character building, but I personally don't think I would have the same level of fortitude if I hadn't put myself through more than a few wringers. I'm the type of person that learns best the hard way unfortunately. Pushing boundaries with hallucinogen use (I think my perceived success with /del/ can be partially attributed to a previous long-standing relationship with /psy/dis/) has given me a healthy fear and reverence for the fragility and resilience of the human brain and/or mind.

I'm not trying to be overtly positive either. I've suffered for my actions. Hospital visits. Psych wards. Inpatient facilities. It's not the deliriants specifically that have taught me anything. It's every version of getting lost and finding my way home. It's examining the overall trajectory of my life in regards to drug use. If I didn't take something positive away from my time I've spent fucking myself over, I would still be doing it.

And far be it from me to make assume anything about your life, but IME most people who've done shit tons of drugs and then stop understand just a little bit better what it means to be alive. You're an amazing person. Shine on.
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Fiend !!1C9jE+w+ - Tue, 03 Jul 2018 10:57:46 EST ID:2lMgAhAZ No.156695 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156693
Ambien is (IME) like 50% /benz/, 15% /psy/, 10% /dis/, 15% /del/, 10% /other/. The hallucinations are realer than many other drugs, and it has some weird properties unclassifiable in any traditional sense, but IMO it really does not compare to anticholinergic delirium. It's probably as close as you can get without eating a shit ton of allergy medication though. Maybe Amanitas, but I haven't experimented enough with that to comfortably make a call.
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Jay - Tue, 03 Jul 2018 18:05:35 EST ID:N02vNqR/ No.156697 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156688
I used to be able to manifest that into balls of mist & id throw it at the insects & demons id see lol. If only it was still the same.

I can take 700 mg & act somewhat normal now after 3 years of abusing the fuck out of it. I stopped because theres nothing great about it anymore.
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starbrother !CGFwIbbIo6 - Tue, 03 Jul 2018 20:38:29 EST ID:3yBMlYci No.156700 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156694
Oh no not at all my friend, I didn't mean any of that to apply to you, in talking to you it seems like you've made a lot of progress and you're right, being able to claw your way back from rock bottom is something that not everyone can do even one time, so doing it multiple times takes even more fortitude.

It's true that many people learn the hard way, myself included. The thing is, even if we could go back and tell our past selves not to do it, they would just do it anyhow, it's how humans work.

One of the hardest things for me is having friends, usually younger ones, that do it way too much. It's sometimes frustrating to see someone that you know and care about dealing with a lot in life already, then adding dph to the mix and just sort of stagnating, you wish you could just make them stop harming themselves by abusing it like that, but we all have to learn in our own time and forcing someone else does far more harm than good.

You're a really cool person Fiend, I like talking with ya!

I forgot to post another document last night, I'll do it now!
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starbrother !CGFwIbbIo6 - Tue, 03 Jul 2018 20:54:41 EST ID:3yBMlYci No.156701 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156700
Here is another document from way back when, I believe it was after a dxm binge, one where I didn't sleep at all but laid down until my body went into paralysis and I saw crazy cevs for hours.
--------------------------------------------

I've felt distinctly closer to something else at certain points in time. I wouldn't call it nirvana or henosis, those are flawed in too many ways to go into detail on. It's more like a feeling that there's definately something that I can't normally percieve at all, and that at this certain point I can definately feel/sense/percieve it, though nothing more than that.
It's like a feeling that there's something incredibly powerful just out of my reach. The more I reach the point where I can feel/sense/percieve that it's there, the more I want to repeat whatever it is that puts me at that point. I'm certain that there are other methods of reaching that point, but without knowing exactly what that point is, I'd rather not start tooling around with alternate methods of reaching it. The last time it happened, I felt like the unconscious connection between myself and humanity as a whole was briefly restored. I wasn't able to do anything more than usual, in fact it was entirely frustrating because I felt like I should certainly be able to do something with this new state I had temporarily achieved. I remember really wishing that I had access to the internet at that moment, and feeling like if I did then I'd almost be able to plug into it somehow. I've been workshoppingsome new methods of interaction, but I always hit the same brick walls each time:

The speed at which I access information is far too slow.

The speed at which I process information is far too slow.

The way that my brain stores information is inefficient, at least at it's current level.
(Edit: I meant that the way that I access information that my brain has stored is inefficient. )

I feel like I won't be able to make any real progress until I can adress all of these issues. I might be able to scam past one or two of them, but that seems highly unlikely.

While in various states of mental alteration, I've encountered several "anomalies of consciousness" among them the often mentioned "ego death" and several others that I haven't really put a name to as of yet, since trying to put them into words is at best difficult, at worst impossible. One of these instances I was walking and noticed some harvester ant scouts, and began wondering what it would be like to be one of these for a while. I began imagining myself as an ant in my mind, but before I knew it I had lost 5 minutes in reality and had been standing in place. That was interesting, but rather different from the times when I could feel my individuality falling to pieces while I looked on in horror.
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Henry Grandgold - Sun, 08 Jul 2018 00:26:35 EST ID:OJ9wjH55 No.156717 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>156693
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Pica - Sun, 08 Jul 2018 15:56:36 EST ID:hECE1d6N No.156722 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156697
Thats pretty much where I'm at. I've been using DPH for 8 years.
It hasn't been fun for a few years now, but I still get the urge every few months. I think its been about 3 or 4 weeks since I've taken any.
All it produces for me these days is a body load, which I kind of enjoy nowadays, and like an hour and a half of basic background del glitchiness.

That, or I take too much and blackout, which is just as pointless obviously.
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Cornelius Henkinhick - Sun, 08 Jul 2018 21:39:59 EST ID:n37+CkWT No.156725 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>156688
Just a heads up, don't get into this habit if you actually have a pistol in the house. It's been years since my /del/ving days, but I remember coming to with a loaded pistol pointed at my wall. Cocked and ready to go. I don't know how I was sober enough to slowly lower the hammer, release the mag, and empty the chamber. Just muscle memory I guess.

Who knows what I was pointing at, why I had gone all the way to the back of my closet to get it, unlocked it, and somehow loaded a magazine with 9mm.

Finger guns are fun. Real guns are about the worst thing to be holding on a 700mg DPH trip. The next morning I found it pushed under my bed completely taken apart, so I guess I kept fiddling with it after the initial, "woah, why is this loaded", moment.

Spooky stuff.
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Fiend !!1C9jE+w+ - Mon, 09 Jul 2018 04:59:02 EST ID:2lMgAhAZ No.156726 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156701
Top notch. Keep em coming (at your leisure).
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Pica - Mon, 09 Jul 2018 13:45:55 EST ID:bx/237N1 No.156727 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>156725
Damn that is pretty scary.
I've never owned a gun, but I cook for a living and have always had a nice set of chef's knives and there has been several times I found several of them scattered around the house.

The creepiest was when I had like 5 of them laid out neatly on my desk in order from biggest to smallest. Straight up looked like I was trying to set up a kill room or something.
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Eugene Herryhare - Tue, 10 Jul 2018 13:37:07 EST ID:/xph4c3n No.156730 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Do beings from other dimensions have any interest or agenda concerning us/our dimension?

What do you all think is the future of us/our dimension? Especially with the singularity and the creation of a virtual reality.
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starbrother !CGFwIbbIo6 - Wed, 11 Jul 2018 01:30:42 EST ID:6UuEtj08 No.156732 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156725
Man, I had a bb gun that I would use when tripping because even when it didnt have bbs in it, it would still work to kill shadow creatures and things on the wall.

I eventually thought that if i could kill enough shadow creatures that i could get the gun strong enough to kill the hatman...I had been reading a lot of Berserk at the time...Ugh lol
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Lillian Caddlespear - Thu, 19 Jul 2018 14:34:59 EST ID:IcuBUgVp No.156775 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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DICKS EVERYWHERE
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Fiend !!1C9jE+w+ - Sat, 21 Jul 2018 00:03:53 EST ID:Uxv5ZAhW No.156779 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156727
Yo if you see this hmu.
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Beast - Mon, 23 Jul 2018 03:36:34 EST ID:/OXDeCuT No.156788 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156779
What is the disc link again?


Oh and keep it up starbrother. I have enjoyed this so far
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Beast - Mon, 23 Jul 2018 04:27:32 EST ID:/OXDeCuT No.156790 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156695
I realize it is active on the benzo receptors but have NOT ever had any I can't make the comparison. I do know that I almost screamed for one when I went to the hospital for Ibotenic acid poisoning from improperly dried Amanitas. I'd say they are probably the most closely related to each other. Kind of like LSD vs Shrooms.

But in this instance the difference is stark between earthy and chemically.

They are definitely in the same state (although idk about zip code).


I will say that Amanitas + weed just 1 bowl and 1 5mg felt like a light combo dose. Weed has a del element.
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Fiend !!1C9jE+w+ - Mon, 23 Jul 2018 10:33:30 EST ID:2lMgAhAZ No.156792 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156788
https://discord.gg/jZ5xkj
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Gr`? - Thu, 02 Aug 2018 22:41:47 EST ID:Dk/bwNdq No.156851 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>156701
Man you were onto something, you just couldn't put it into words. None of can. That feeling. DXM eventually led me there. You keep getting deja-vu, a sense that there is another factor in the equation of life. Then it all wears off and you begin to forget, only to slip, dose and fall back to the same point. The same idea.

I honestly believe in "spirituality" and all of that shit now. The human consciousness effects physical reality. It wasn't just a glitch, that is the true nature of the universe. But fuck it who knows really.
>>156725
This is one of the reasons i don't and will never own a firearm (unless the apocalypse happens and i need one for safety. But if that happens i won't be playing with substances.)


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