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ok im back
i probably would've written a long ass book since monday because i was very hypomanic. i been in this state before but never as long and i didnt have a word for it, but i rly thnk thats what it is? slept 12 hours in like 72, couldnt stop racing thoughts, emotional rollercoaster, anxiety, crying, laughing, jumping train of thought. not fun.
basically, i take 30mg celexa daily at bed time. i rarely skip it or fuck up the dosing time unless its a dxm or lsd night, in which case i do skip it that day sometimes, sometimes no. ive never had serotonin syndrome or anything like that. i just trip differently than i used to but honestly, its been several years and on top of my tolerance and the years of use, its hard to say what is caused by the ssri and what isnt.
i have brain fog, visual snow, light headedness about 15 hours aftter my last dose and have been for many months now. it wasnt as bad before and it got better when i went down from 40 to 30. this was happening even during sobriety, which was new info to me because until sobriety, i had always mixed so i assumed it was the mixing, not the ssri alone.
its very uncomfortable and frustrating and makes me want to do dxm since dxm makes those effects go away. its a trigger to my addiction, though not the main one. its gotten worse over the last few months and im really sick of it. tried to taper off and quit myself last summer and a few weeks ago, i never can because i feel physically and mentally awful.
i always thought this was a matter of me having fucked my brain receptors, its only gotten very very bad enough lately for me to want to consult about it. very scared they wont be able to help me. i think switching SSRI might help? though thats dangerous in my mental state right now too (plus all the new challenges and mental health things recovery will bring on top of it, the rollercoaster etc) since u dont know how you react to each one. ive only ever done paxil other than that and its made me suicidal but i was like 19? so as an adult it might be different, though i would not want to try it again and would try a diff one if that was an option the doctor proposed just because why risk it.
this week end with staying high like 3 days after my binge, i got the epiphany (i think because of you right?) that this might be my liver not functioning fully anymore. i consume a LOT of otc products, maybe twice daily? on top of occasional RCs and alcohol, the use of which goes up and down depending. the liver thing isvery terrifying and a big reason why i decided to snap myself into recovery again, on top of the shitty emotional upheaval and all the other regular reasons why i need recovery and need to stop abusing drugs.
do you think this celexa thing is my brain receptors? my livers? if its my receptors, do you think ill ever be able to be on a med or no med and finally feel normal? im afraid i broke my brain forever. it feels like i have a physical dxm addiction because of this because its the only thing that makes my brain feel better and thats scary.
(otherwise when i dont use, i take my celexa earlier, so if like i do a 10pm dose on day 1, ill do a 5pm dose on day 2 hwen the withdrawal is overwhelming, but that makes me sleepy, and then the next day ill have my withdrawal at like...idk, depends. its hard to say because i havent been off dxm in months now and my memory is shit.
i cant wait to hear from a doctor...i messaged my shrink (she was my shrink last year at uni, she has private practice but only 1 day a week, we tried to see each other twice since i moved back in town in January but it didnt happen, one time i couldnt find the place, the next one she missed the apt and wasnt there) she has no receptionist or office or anything like that so theres nobody else to talk to while waiting for her to message me back...
a few times this week and i did write her hypomanic LONG walls of text, but i did write a short msg in bold at the end llike "i understand that u probably cant read all this esp since i technically even havent paid u yet, and i understand client/therapist boundary. plz just answer me asap when i can see you and when i can expect to see a doctor" still no answer.
i think i should call another shrink for at least ONE visit and a doctor referral in case they can see me next week, but heh, im still waiting on insurance to call me back regardless, they said they would today (i could only get signed up recently cuz i got my new-brunswick medicare card only last week and private paramedical insurance is only available if u have that. my job insurance kicks in may 1st but only covers meds until 3 years in)
my shrink is not an addiction specialist and cant help much with that, but shes very good otherwise and i have a very good connection with her, feel very safe and listened to, and she knows p much all my problems and we have done about 6 months progress together so starting over and playing the shrink roulette would suck. i just wish i could hear from her NOW.