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sad by Oliver Clarryham - Mon, 17 Apr 2017 13:27:33 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29171 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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drugs are ruining my relationships and im barely threading the line of functional addict

i dont want to stop and i dont want to die and i cant stop and my shrink cant help because i dont wanna commit to stopping

im so tired of this
>>
Alice Dittingbudge - Mon, 17 Apr 2017 16:10:07 EST ID:4gyE4GE1 No.29172 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>29171
First of all, which drugs? That would be helpful in figuring out what your struggle is about.
Second, how are they ruining your relationships specifically? Relationships with a s/o or family or both?
Finally, the choice to stop is yours. If you can't commit to stopping, it probably means you want to keep taking drugs more than you want to have stable relationships.
>>
Oliver Clarryham - Mon, 17 Apr 2017 19:03:18 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29173 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>29172

anything i can get my hands on but drug of choice are dissos by far, dxm but im not sure that i like it over ketamine or rcs so much because its better but because it's easier to get a hold of. alcohol has been pretty bad too though not as much.

i wrote a long ass post im sure nobody will read but i tried to cut it in like 3 parts and it was STILL too long so i made a paste bin lol.

ill make a circle jerk thread and post it on sober recovery too and if anything, i guess i can print it and hand it to a new shrink if my current one drops me cuz im too bad a case of addiction, who knows.

please dont tell me to kill myself.

https://pastebin.com/TH6N2KKh
>>
Oliver Murddale - Tue, 18 Apr 2017 02:26:56 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29174 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29173
i think im in sigma and i never have been in my 10 year habit
shit sucks and i just want a clear mind
>>
Oliver Murddale - Tue, 18 Apr 2017 07:03:59 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29175 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29173
i got super paranoid because i said something incriminating possibly in it and got pastebin to delete it. if anyone is curious to read it i will relink, lmk.
>>
Walter Billingworth - Tue, 18 Apr 2017 07:55:58 EST ID:AGTWdpoW No.29176 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29175
I came here from the BWD. That certainly seems pretty paranoid unless it was super incriminating. I'm guessing you're still feeling pretty off kilter from that long DXM afterglow. It's probably worth drying out for a little while, even a few days, to think about this a little more clearly. I don't know if that's possible with the level of use you're at at the moment, but if possible it's a good idea.

You may decide you want to keep using drugs but be able to do it more responsibly. That's easier said than done but it is possible.
One way to think about things is "what's the worst thing that can happen if I do drugs at the current rate for the next X months?" versus "what's the worst thing that can happen if I stop taking drugs for X months".

I'm half asleep and not thinking too clearly, I'll try to check back tomorrow and see if I can be more coherent if nothing else.
>>
Oliver Murddale - Tue, 18 Apr 2017 17:47:37 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29178 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29176
Thank you so much. I'm just a stranger but this is really gonna help. I was working once you replied and now I'm really tired and on the couch on my phone, only slept like 4 hours since Monday 7am so that's probably. It helping the fact I still feel retarded and high still but ugh. I'll explain when I feel better later tonight or tomorrow. Please don't forget me anon.

The incriminating wasn't law wise. It's regarding someone I talked to in the story. You might guess who if you remember the chstacters. It's probably fine, the things I said kinda would make it unlikely they would come and try to find my anon posts but it's not 100% impossible thus why I panicked.
>>
Sidney Dremblestone - Wed, 19 Apr 2017 06:46:18 EST ID:AGTWdpoW No.29180 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29178
k
nb
>>
Nell Hodgestudge - Thu, 20 Apr 2017 14:40:02 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29183 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>29176
ok im back

i probably would've written a long ass book since monday because i was very hypomanic. i been in this state before but never as long and i didnt have a word for it, but i rly thnk thats what it is? slept 12 hours in like 72, couldnt stop racing thoughts, emotional rollercoaster, anxiety, crying, laughing, jumping train of thought. not fun.

basically, i take 30mg celexa daily at bed time. i rarely skip it or fuck up the dosing time unless its a dxm or lsd night, in which case i do skip it that day sometimes, sometimes no. ive never had serotonin syndrome or anything like that. i just trip differently than i used to but honestly, its been several years and on top of my tolerance and the years of use, its hard to say what is caused by the ssri and what isnt.

i have brain fog, visual snow, light headedness about 15 hours aftter my last dose and have been for many months now. it wasnt as bad before and it got better when i went down from 40 to 30. this was happening even during sobriety, which was new info to me because until sobriety, i had always mixed so i assumed it was the mixing, not the ssri alone.

its very uncomfortable and frustrating and makes me want to do dxm since dxm makes those effects go away. its a trigger to my addiction, though not the main one. its gotten worse over the last few months and im really sick of it. tried to taper off and quit myself last summer and a few weeks ago, i never can because i feel physically and mentally awful.

i always thought this was a matter of me having fucked my brain receptors, its only gotten very very bad enough lately for me to want to consult about it. very scared they wont be able to help me. i think switching SSRI might help? though thats dangerous in my mental state right now too (plus all the new challenges and mental health things recovery will bring on top of it, the rollercoaster etc) since u dont know how you react to each one. ive only ever done paxil other than that and its made me suicidal but i was like 19? so as an adult it might be different, though i would not want to try it again and would try a diff one if that was an option the doctor proposed just because why risk it.

this week end with staying high like 3 days after my binge, i got the epiphany (i think because of you right?) that this might be my liver not functioning fully anymore. i consume a LOT of otc products, maybe twice daily? on top of occasional RCs and alcohol, the use of which goes up and down depending. the liver thing isvery terrifying and a big reason why i decided to snap myself into recovery again, on top of the shitty emotional upheaval and all the other regular reasons why i need recovery and need to stop abusing drugs.

do you think this celexa thing is my brain receptors? my livers? if its my receptors, do you think ill ever be able to be on a med or no med and finally feel normal? im afraid i broke my brain forever. it feels like i have a physical dxm addiction because of this because its the only thing that makes my brain feel better and thats scary.

(otherwise when i dont use, i take my celexa earlier, so if like i do a 10pm dose on day 1, ill do a 5pm dose on day 2 hwen the withdrawal is overwhelming, but that makes me sleepy, and then the next day ill have my withdrawal at like...idk, depends. its hard to say because i havent been off dxm in months now and my memory is shit.

(extra ramble)

i cant wait to hear from a doctor...i messaged my shrink (she was my shrink last year at uni, she has private practice but only 1 day a week, we tried to see each other twice since i moved back in town in January but it didnt happen, one time i couldnt find the place, the next one she missed the apt and wasnt there) she has no receptionist or office or anything like that so theres nobody else to talk to while waiting for her to message me back...

a few times this week and i did write her hypomanic LONG walls of text, but i did write a short msg in bold at the end llike "i understand that u probably cant read all this esp since i technically even havent paid u yet, and i understand client/therapist boundary. plz just answer me asap when i can see you and when i can expect to see a doctor" still no answer.

i think i should call another shrink for at least ONE visit and a doctor referral in case they can see me next week, but heh, im still waiting on insurance to call me back regardless, they said they would today (i could only get signed up recently cuz i got my new-brunswick medicare card only last week and private paramedical insurance is only available if u have that. my job insurance kicks in may 1st but only covers meds until 3 years in)

my shrink is not an addiction specialist and cant help much with that, but shes very good otherwise and i have a very good connection with her, feel very safe and listened to, and she knows p much all my problems and we have done about 6 months progress together so starting over and playing the shrink roulette would suck. i just wish i could hear from her NOW.
>>
Nell Hodgestudge - Thu, 20 Apr 2017 14:41:48 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29185 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29183
oh i should specify. im not bipolar at all. only a borderline borderline diag, mild anxiety and depression (not enough for a diag) and a FUCK TON of insecurities and self-confidence/esteem/relationships issues.

a friend mentioned something about maybe being on the spectrum because i think differently from most people. i read about it tho and i dont think so? i latched onto that thought during my mania like OMG MAYBE THATS THE ANSWER MAYBE THAT EXPLAISN WHATS WRONG WITH ME OMG but now i dont know and i feel like she might be accidentally gaslighting me lol...
>>
Doris Fanwill - Thu, 20 Apr 2017 23:06:57 EST ID:AGTWdpoW No.29186 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29183
I probably don't need to point out that my opinions should be taken with a grain of salt being as this is an anonymous messageboard, so here goes.

Celexa is only a mild inhibitor of the enzymes that break down DXM but it is a substrate (metabolised by that enzyme) so I guess it would compete for the enzyme and effectively cause inhibition that way. That said, the official story is that citalopram isn't a very strong enzyme inhibitor.

I guess it's possible you might have damaged your liver. You might also have depleted your CYP enzymes, that said they should bounce back pretty quickly if you're not malnourished (or aenemic), so this bit should be regarded as pretty speculative. Most (maybe all, I can't remember) of the CYP 450 enzymes require iron for your body to produce, so maybe iron supplements might help.

There are another couple of possibilities, which are not mutually exclusive.
For one thing, DXM is an SRI (Serotonin Reuptake Inhibitor, non selective) so if you are using it regularly alongside your SSRI then your body is essentially getting used to a higher level of serotonin reuptake inhibition than what is provided by your celexa alone. This is probably why you start to experience SSRI withdrawal type symptoms so soon after your dose, that's assuming your are using DXM pretty reguarly.
The second possibility is that you've given yourself a mild case of serotonin syndrome. Mild symptoms of SS are not necessarily life threatening or even particularly harmful but they can definitely cause mood swings and insomnia etc.
>>
Fanny Pickworth - Fri, 21 Apr 2017 05:55:19 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29188 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29186

yeah its hard to do more than speculate and i feel like any doctor i might see will too because every ive seen didnt even know dxm was abusable...??

maybe if i see a good shrink.

thanks for the advice!

gonna stop coming on the board now cuz recovery etc.
>>
John Wunderdock - Sun, 23 Apr 2017 10:17:06 EST ID:XScBMwJY No.29191 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29188
This boards a good place for 'recovery'
>>
Nicholas Murdhood - Sun, 23 Apr 2017 18:12:33 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29195 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29191
meant 420chan, but yeah, i might keep checking up on it. i actually never came here before much beside a very quipe glimpse. i just assumed it was a lot of "i need to pee clean in 3 days" type posts though of ppl who are stil using so idk?

why recovery in quotes? im curious
>>
Hedda Drollerbanks - Mon, 24 Apr 2017 10:13:30 EST ID:XScBMwJY No.29199 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29195
I hate the term, 99% of 'the recovery industry' is twelve step bs

I'm not what a better word to use is tho
>>
Graham Fibberspear - Mon, 24 Apr 2017 11:35:54 EST ID:hKjuh74y No.29200 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29199
oh yeah, i hate the religious higher power cult shit and people trying to profit from people's suffering and/or life fuck ups.

i just use it for my addiction and in general getting better regarding my bpd and emotional issues, etc. i get you tho.
>>
Charlotte Bracklenug - Wed, 26 Apr 2017 09:17:33 EST ID:AGTWdpoW No.29204 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29199
I like how all the NA people chain smoke constantly.
>>
Barnaby Pocklock - Fri, 28 Apr 2017 11:09:47 EST ID:XScBMwJY No.29207 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>29204
god can cure any addiction aside from that

In that case you go to nicotine anonymous and get a separate god for that

They're just lazy sticking with the one god for the drugs

The fat ones can get a third god at overeaters anonymous to deal with that too


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