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I keep abusing drugs to be someone I'm not so that I can feel loved for once by Frederick Dillydock - Sun, 11 Feb 2018 11:33:05 EST ID:/1qsLh2A No.29735 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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I just spent the past two days doing meth and oxy and benzos with someone I met on Tinder at their friend's place. I was clean for almost a year now. The girl was so sweet and nice to me, and we cuddled a lot, and were really intimate, and got along well, but we were high on meth and other drugs, so I know that's the only reason.

But, just for once, I felt so happy and normal and not anxious, and I finally got all the physical intimacy that I've never really had in my life. Somebody expressed that physical intimacy with me and I got to express it back, in such a comforting and deeply-fulfilling way. For those two days I felt so safe, and content, and okay, and I even loved myself, too. I finally just felt loved. And that's all I have ever wanted to feel.

The second I left their house, I just started sobbing uncontrollably and I continued to all the way on the drive home, and I still am crying, because I'm realizing now what I just did and I hate myself so much for it, especially after being clean for so long. I was doing so well and my friends were so proud of me for staying clean, but, fuck, I'm so plain and boring and empty and self-loathing by default, that it feels like without drugs the only things I ever do are work, eat, sleep, and hate myself in between. I cried because I knew I was going back to that when I got home - my empty apartment where I am always alone. I knew those two days of amazing, intimate love and happiness were over and the second that realization hit me I cried even harder.

I hate being alone so fucking much that I'll turn myself into someone I'm not by abusing drugs until someone will share love or intimacy with me, and I'm just always so afraid that I'm just always going to be alone and I'm never going to feel the way I just felt after that drug binge. I'm alone again right now, and I hate it so much. I just want to feel loved. I just want to be touched, hugged, held, and all that stuff, by someone I can trust and feel safe with. And the only time that has ever happened to me, I was on drugs.

I just don't understand why I need to be a fucking addict to ever feel loved by someone
Nathaniel Peddleshit - Tue, 13 Feb 2018 07:46:14 EST ID:MMNwHn9l No.29739 Ignore Report Quick Reply
You should find that intimacy you want without the drugs.

Its rough, birds of a feather flock together so a druggie is most likely to find someone who gets it among other druggies, which is something I struggle with myself trying to stay clean. The only people who get it are hoods.

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