|>> || |
I've seen this kind of thread a number of times on /dis/ (and might've started one or two myself). I think you've put it more succinctly than any of them, for whatever that's worth. Anyway, I feel you.
There really is nothing else like good MXE (although K is similar - for a short time - at a hole dose). A light dose was profoundly simple: it felt like I'd just removed a veil I'd been wearing my whole life. Everything was just more aesthetically pleasant, more meaningful, more connected.
Higher doses brought what felt like spiritual insight, and music - or anything I turned that intense awareness on - became so incredibly meaningful. The only time I can remember crying for the utter beauty of the world.
The hallmarks of MXE - what I've never experienced, before or since - are the "sparkly" euphoric feeling that accompanied the dissociation, and the "clean" nature of the drug. I don't mean that it was free of side effects - although it was. I experienced zero side- or aftereffects from the original UK MXE. Later batches yielded a typical dissociative hangover.
I mean that - first - there was a deeply cleansing effect I can only describe as spiritual. It's hard to describe if you haven't experienced it; on even moderate doses, I felt "clean" throughout the experience. As the effects wore off, there was a deep catharsis, like I'd just rid myself of something truly unpleasant. I felt new again.
MXE also left my mind intact for the whole trip, short of heavy doses. I was able to think normally, write/communicate, etc. Most other dissociatives have a "cognitive blunting" effect that makes them useless in an artistic or utility sense. I could control the dose precisely enough that there was a line I walked - dip across to experience, come back and write about it. I did that many times a night, each mini-trip taking a half-hour or so. I remember starting a few threads here with very long posts (the kind my sober mind balks from writing - worse than this one), and I think the forum was at its best during that period. There were a lot of meandering, philosophical threads, and a lot of people posting (and actually communicating) concurrently while dissed.
The way the authorities seized on a couple of deaths (if I remember correctly, each of which had ingested a plethora of other substances in addition to MXE), called it a danger, and banned it is deplorable, but not surprising. Even with weed being slowly legalized, society still thinks drugs are only for treating illnesses; anything else is abuse and means the (ab)user should be thrown in a cage for years at a time, which is obviously better than the scummy druggy life they were living before, a clear way of bettering and redeeming people.
That the labs immediately moved on to other substances, most of which were not dissociatives, is also not surprising. It's unfortunate that none of the newer RCs measured up. 3-meo-pce felt similar, in a very twisted, manic way; the "spiritual"/meaningful component was completely absent. 3-meo-pcp had the mild euphoria and relaxation down, but I would probably have felt challenged trying to brew a cup of coffee. O-PCE yielded a perfect but very clinical and very dead state of dissociation, while also wrecking cognitive thought. And so forth. It's interesting that a lot of dissociatives provoke aphasia at some point. One batch had an alarming impurity that gave me word salad for an hour.
I understand what you mean when you talk about the void in your life. I miss the sense of gnostic clarity, the feeling of understanding about the deep nature of the world that made everything seem positive and sensible and connected. I miss the soul-deep cleansing to be had whenever I needed it, with no consequences or aftereffects.
I miss the social lubrication and aesthetic augmentation lower doses effected on the world, and the sense of wonder and discovery and raw euphoria of the higher ones. It was the most innocuous drug I've ever seen in terms of its effects footprint, probably gentler than caffeine. It helped me through a difficult period in my life, and I am honestly a better and more well-adjusted person for having spent some time with it. I was able to let go of a lot of anxiety and despair that were making me a dysfunctional wreck. There is so much therapeutic potential there. It didn't deserve the knee-jerk ban reaction that is still so common in our society.
There are places where it's legal, and presumably people willing to synthesize it; the days I spent with MXE were the best days of my life, and at some point I'll make that happen again. I don't know how possible that is: I feel that the original AIRCR MXE was qualitatively different than later batches (even though some of those were verified for purity) - but that's a different conversation.
The thought of never having those experiences again is, pardon the pun, sobering. It makes me more than a little sad, and my life is poorer without the prospect of MXE.