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pro brewmeister here, OP. i cant say much, but lets just say a few of my brown bombers might've made it across the border from my lab in mexico :y
>what to eat & drink for the next two weeks
i find that mexican or indian food is the best. be careful with your safrole intake, it leads to decarboxyolation of jenkylaminos and generally degrades the product. most foods that produce the loudest, rankest farts are the best. think brussels sprouts, broccoli, spinach, cheap beer, beef jerky; make sure to eat lots of hot sauce. adds a good flavor and a smooth mouthfeel.
>what size bottle (I was thinking 2 L)
2L are okay, but you want to be able to capture as much jenkane gas as possible. your average balloon won't inflate from the low, dense pressure of jenk gas, so youre going to need something thinner. i prefer to use a 5 gallon bucket (you can get them at any hardware store) with a magnum condom (for my monster dong) stretched all the way around the mouth of the bucket. magnum condoms are designed for length and girth and stretch easily. this will capture more gas. make sure the lube side out on the OUTSIDE. i made this mistake once.
>how to bottle without losing the product or getting any on my hands
you dont want to bottle jenk gas. it loses potency after a week or so. in my world, the fresher the better. if you MUST preserve, do it like kombucha/sourdough and save a jenk 'starter' for your next batch. it will have a lower ph content which is perfect for preservation. DONT let the starter dry out or it will deactivate. keep it moist and spray it with water once or twice a day. brewers yeast can be added for longer shelf life, as well as reducing the "earthy" flavors you find in lower quality brews. another way to preserve your jenk long-term is to convert it into Mexican Butt Popper form. this preservation renders the jenk VERY potent, so make sure to wash your hands if you go this route. PM me for details.
>how long to ferment for
ah yes, this is a rather controversial question. like wine and fine scotch, well aged jenk imparts a good headrush and long lasting high with great analgesic effect and intense visuals in larger doses. fresh jenk is usually enough for new users, but the experience jenkfiend will appreciate the subtleties and hangover-free effects of good, well aged, vintage jenk. I'm currently sitting on a 1994 Lusaka Splatterbomb which is one of the most intense jenk brews ever made, straight from the homeland.
>where to hide it from possible poachers
honestly, i havent had many problems with jenk poachers since i installed a security system at my jenk farm. i'd recommend investing in some cameras, shotguns, and pit bulls. be careful if you go the pit bull route; they are very sensitive to the effects of jenkylamide and it can cause unstable behavior in them. on a whole, you won't see many jenk poachers around since the market is flooded with good cheap jenk. your real problem will be flies. invest in flypaper.
>any other tips & tricks
huff jenk everyday, take lots of B complex, and keep the stank rank. and stop snitchin.
aight im out