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>It's hell isn't it? Like being torn to pieces, a constant search with no end, because where's the verification? How do you progress?There's no verification, there's only the "good enough" and the "not good enough".
And yeah, it's hell, but for reasons I think wouldn't change, no matter the method.
As to why it's hell... I have to think about *everything* I do, lest I do something stupid and initiate a vicious spiral again. CONSTANTLY. Day and night, at work, while resting, cooking, trying to take a girl out on a date, all the time I have to stay painfully aware of what I'm doing and why, lest I do something irredeemably stupid and start a vicious spiral again. It's hell not because it doesn't work (it sort of does), it's hell because I have to deal with dictating behaviors that a normal person doesn't think about ("oh, I'm being lightly made fun of at work, hm, what would be an appriopriate reaction... let's put anxious smile nr. 5 on and see what happens next", that kind of bullshit).
Progress... Not so long ago I came to a conclusion that one can progress as much as one wants without going anywhere when one is going in circles. Like I do, right now. The root cause is seemingly unchanging, and I don't really give a fuck about any other problems or achievements of mine anymore - no wonder, it's kind of impossible to form a stable relationship, stay in one environment, or be at peace with oneself with problems like these.
>More and more tired of it, for once because I feel like I'm the only one making the effort, while everyone else just gently slides on a river of bullshit.Word.
>And also because it's psychically exhausting, and who would care really?Not many, I'm afraid. Firstly, not many understand, or even attempt to, for that matter.
>And what if I'm bullshitting myself too, but it feels more true because it took more effort?I'd like to know that, too, but I'm afraid I never will.
>I believe so, in the end. Even if it doesn't agree with anything else, it's your behaviour that leaves the mark, to you and to others, and so that's what.. Not quite defines, but molds who you are.That'd be bad news for me, because my behaviors paint the picture of me being a deranged asshole clown.
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