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On such doses it's not always possible truly tell the story of what happened; or where to do so would require 10,000 words and amount to next to nonsense. I may write a full TR later, but for now, here is a list of things that happened:
Consider the universe like this spiral. I would follow the spiral inward until I was the tiniest particle, then beyond that I was the singularity; and in turn I’d explode back to life as the entire world.
I saw the entire universe as 6 dimensional graph, with the origin being the singularity. All 6 dimensions spiraled all the way in, and all the way out to infinity.
As this repeated I realized the circular nature of it. Sliding down the line to the singularity leads right around to the all encompassing. And vis versa, as one slides away into space one inevitably comes to the smallest of points. Even the seemingly infinite spiral loops back upon itself, our universe, completely self contained.
I’ve explored the concept of the multiverse (and what it means for free will) on psychs before and this was a fabulous continuation of that despite not truly breaking through. I would be sitting in my bed, and be aware, but then suddenly I’d become re-aware of myself from 3 different directions, none of them part of our 3 dimensions. The awareness that I have no free will, and am just part of this massive ball of geometry/topology. Multiple versions of me were having the same realization during the same trip in other timelines and I could feel them collide as we became part of each other, which was part of everything else that was just part of the self contained spiral.
But if the singularity exists,I thought, it must exist everywhere. Any point in the universe is capable of creating a new spiral within itself. Consciousness gives us that ability, to train our focus, and find nuggets of truth hidden in anything and everything. We can spiral into the pages of a book or around a kitchen full of hot food and loved ones, go mad spiraling in on the tiniest fracture in the narrative, or fade so far off trying to grasp the grandest concepts. Either way brings one the edge of their conceivable universe.
At one point I split between timelines to ones that were far away from mine (because at this point I was pretty consistently living in at least 3 timelines at once), and briefly heard alien language echoing through the crack in the timeline. Despite barely being a language, almost a world with no sound, I could understand some of it. It came all garbled as something that was neither sound nor text but something in between; a thing which we have no name for in this world because it doesn't exist. The closest thing would be synesthesia. It didn't seem important though. It was simply beyond me. There were still some “words” I couldn't understand, as if there was something I wasn't supposed to know.
I thought of how people always say “why didn't I think of this before?” And the answer is “you already always will have thought of it.” It seemed extremely comical at the time. I examined how this spiral phenomenon applies to culture; how ideas resurface as the renaissance, the retro, but applicable once again. And the media, becoming more self aware to the point where TV commercials are trying to be meta with some “This is a cheeseburger– and this is an advertisement for one,” type horseshit.
Again the idea of free will came up, and the lack thereof paralyzed me. If I was nothing but geometry what good is anything? And in that moment with my eyes closed, while I was busy following every conceivable spiral, all perfectly recursive and predictable, a pink light exploded in my vision and shot from behind my eye sockets out into space. It was like lightning that created a gap in all the recursive spirals. The light was pure chaos, disrupting all natural order in its path. For a moment there was a wake behind it, a gap, and that’s where the hope was. As little free will as I think we have, I know that there is in fact something called magic, and we will never understand it. And that's the point.