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OP here, just using this thread to vent again.
Christmas came and went, bringing its' usual shitstorm of depression and anxiety. This year it was much worse than usual, this year fucking sucked. My mum did her usual game of trying to trick me into going to visit my grandparents and my shitbag uncle who still lives with them. When she realised there was no way I was going, she went to her usual passive aggressive ways of being mad that I didn't do what she wanted. She's your best friend like a dog licking your feet cause you have food, right up until you don't do what she wants then she's vindictive and shameless.
I was invited to xmas lunch with my mums' twin sister (mother of the dude I confided in about what happened in the hope that it would protect his kids from my fears the same thing was happening to them). I felt like I had no choice but to go, stupid first world problem, in hindsight I'm ashamed and angry I let it upset me so bad. All that kept running through my head was my cousin saying "you better not be lying about this, OP, cause if you are, I'll fucking kill you, I promise you, you better not be fucking lying about this shit man, cause I swear I will fucking kill you if you are". (translation: Regardless of whether you're telling the truth, I'll kill you if anything convinces me you're lying.)
I tapered off my meds. I stopped seeing my psychologist. I lost trust in them. Their words, their actions, my paranoia, I dunno, I knew it was stupid, but I just felt they were making everything worse. And for what? To what benefit? I sure as fuck can't see it.
Taking my meds gave me a ton of negative side effects, I couldn't see the positives; when I talked about the side effects to my doctor, he tried to make out that putting on 35kg in 1-2 months was perfectly normal, "When you experience less depression, the symptoms of depression start to fade, one of those is appetite. You're gaining weight because you're less depressed." No cunt, one of the side effects of mirtazapine is weight gain. I know it, he knows it, the internet knows it, that's not the problem. Him lying to my face, I don't care for that shit, he lost my trust.
I found that if I accidentally missed a day, or was late taking my sertraline, I was guaranteed 3 days of intense suicidal idealisation and the complete inability to feel anything but negative emotions. At least before when I had my depressive episodes, they didn't last this long, this predictably, and I could still find mild solace occasionally. Those 3 day withdrawals were torture, there was nothing that would pass that storm, nothing would even alleviate them. I'd fallen into the very substance dependence that made me terrified to even try antidepressants in the first place. And when I talked to my doctor about the side effects of the other meds, he fed me lies, so I fucked that cunt off.
My psychologist at my last appointment told me to tell my boss/teacher in explicit detail about what happened to me. Like, this letter, the only thing it left out was everyone but mine, hers, and my boss/teachers name. I dutifully went to do this because I'm stupid. My boss read the first line of the letter she typed up and printed out for him to read, then stopped. He asked me if I was absolutely certain I needed him to read it. I hesitated and he said "how about we don't read it just yet. If something bad happens to a student, there is no need for a doctor to go into specific detail, all they have to do is say "something significant enough to affect this students ability to study for roughly this period of time has happened" and that's enough."
This unsettled me greatly. I lost faith in my psychologist. I felt paranoid and ashamed about how much of the letter my boss read before he realised he didn't want to know any more. Before we gave him the letter, she organised a follow up appointment to discuss what happened with the letter, but I didn't go. What if she had no idea what she was doing? What if she just wanted to destroy my uncle, regardless of the damage it did to me? After all, I just called her business at random cause I was desperate and terrified because a few days earlier, I'd attempted suicide and failed.
I haven't been to work all december. I told myself it normally gets like this around xmas, it would pass and I'd survive. But it didn't. Now it's over I don't feel any better. I'm throwing away an opportunity I wanted since I was a little kid and spent the last 3 years working for. I've gotten more and more paranoid people are watching me, laughing at me, talking to themselves that they can't wait to see how far I fall. I know these paranoid episodes are in my head, but they fucking stink. They're happening for longer, they're more intense and I still have no clue how to even minimise them so all I can do is try calm down, be patient and wait till they pass.
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