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>What is it you're afraid of?I've grown to live mostly without fear sadly. I cannot surmise what exactly I'd say to describe what I feel or understand. Maybe that is what makes it difficult to transpose to any other person. Maybe it is over a decade of depression and neuron pathways smothering me. I guess I'm just posing the question of "Why?" and it is shredding me day in and day out. I'm lost, alone and frustrated that everyone around seems to function, even if it isn't "well," they still make do and have a vigor I haven't felt for the majority of my existence. Actually, I've never felt this since I gained my own level of sentience past young childhood.
>Are you seeking some absolute truth? I don't understand what it is you want.Neither do I. I don't need an absolute truth, I stopped searching years ago. I guess I want an escape from myself ultimately. But nothing can ever change my mentality. For all the self-help I've done and the different lives I've lived, none of them have taken me anywhere but into different sceneries. Myself is still there, and I'm still the same person internally, the external aspect has disappeared or morphed to whatever the current necessity is. No matter where I've found myself, there has never been a connection with anyone and all the effort in the world hasn't changed it. At least yet.
>You sound like you feel deeply unfulfilled.There is a duality to this. I've always been extremely ambitious and starved for something "more." However I've convinced myself that this or that is the thing to fight for, I've found myself more empty than before after I've obtained it. Goals lead to suicide is about all I've seen. I can't describe it but there is a severe silence and longing for something I can't describe. I guess we could just say better and leave it at that but the clarity when saying that is lost to everyone including myself. There is an emptiness that has consumed me and everything I think about. Maybe what I am seeing as ambition is simply the biological drive to keep living despite whatever condition is at hand. Frustration is the only way I can describe my efforts at life.
>there are ways to do that within society without being miserable, bored and bitter.I've yet to find them. I've tried a lot of shit as well. I haven't hit the lottery or found Nazi gold but I've done nearly everything else in some form or fashion. Being rich doesn't sound too fun anyways, it just seems like being "neet" but you can just be materialistic while you do it. Art, education, work, hobbies etc have all failed me. I can't tell myself to stop questioning why I'm doing what I'm doing while I do them. Leading to me watching the clock until whatever it is, is over or I stop doing it. I haven't tried drugs. I'm afraid that once I start, I'll end up getting the courage or disassociation to OD and call it quits. Or I'll get addicted and end up dead anyways, just slower.
>Maybe you're not doing what it is you need to do to realise (as in, actualise) the person you truly are.Not to cast aspersions but unlike many sad-sacks I've seen before, I've actually done hundreds of things to try and turn shit around. None of them have lead anywhere. And don't think that I've done what others have told/expected me to do. I've done what everyone else has said and I've done what I felt I needed to do. Nothing does anything. I'm also not necessarily sad and frumpy. I'm just mostly airing out some toxic sentiments I guess. I'm making an observation rather than really asking for help. If you like, you can consider it me bouncing questions around that I'd never be able to talk about or ask in real life.
>You seem to show a certain disdain for Bill.Eh, Bill is sort of a vehicle that shows misery of others around me and also of myself. Sort of like how something can seem so different but be so close. I see everyone around mostly in misery for doing everything but they have a way of coping maybe. Such a fine line breaks me and them apart. But it means everything. If you get what I'm saying.
>Except you'll never figure it out, and you'll never be satisfied, but you don't need to be, because if you did that wouldn't make any sense.Seems sort of like the self-defeating circular logic above. I'll never be okay with life but I should be okay knowing that. I guess from an academia standpoint, you can be fulfilled saying. "Nobody will ever know so I'm right." That just seems good in theory but applied in reality, it all falls apart. Which leads me to:
>Maybe. I dunno. Basically, if you can't find peace in the caress of the summer breeze on you balls as it lifts up your sundress, then... I cannot help you Guess my goose is cooked, eh? Everyone I've met that has the same sentiment as myself in that understanding is futile, all express that you should just live in the now and be okay with what is and isn't. Just stop worrying or searching and just go with the flow. I've tried in vain to make this happen but I find the more options I exhaust the less hope I have. I have about 4 things I haven't tried in life and am hesitant to try them because when I have absolutely no hope or the inability to say, "I'll do this and make it all resolve in perfect consonance!" I'd imagine that is when a bullet will rip my sore cranium apart. Being rich, sociality, traveling (sort of tried this) and drugs. Drugs is probably a one way street when someone like myself dabbles in them.
Being rich could be attained but it just seems like being a materialistic NEET. Although the image of being this wealthy god amongst slaves does give me more hope than probably any other. Our society builds this massive image so buying into the hype is easier. I could be independent, happy and without a care in the world right? If only I had banks of money. I think this notion is bullshit. Traveling seemed like running away from my problems and just waiting to die. Drifting around slowly from place to place. I did this a very short time and it felt like I was some old hag waiting to die. Sociality I've tried, and tried, and tried and I guess am still trying with mountains of effort but it damn sure isn't going anywhere. Years of homeschooling, being so entrapped in my own mind and tons of weird social cues/mannerisms keeps people at bay. I've completely changed my entire personality probably 3 times in the past 5 years to try and make this work. yet I'm still alone with no friends or life. Those who've seen me change so many times question if I'm a psychopath/sociopath or whatever because I have so convincingly changed my outward perception. I guess people are good at picking up on weirdos and outsiders. Maybe love is what will answer it all. I just need to find someone to connect with to make it work. Romantic fairytale and all. I have a feeling though as well that if this happened, and it all fell apart, I'd be devastated and would start doing drugs. I've narrowed my options down so little that the Sampson Option starts to look legitimate and not just fucking stupid. I'm worried that if I exhaust any of these at this point and write them off as tried and tested, I'll lose just enough of what keeps me going.
The wonders of life. Perhaps this is all a chemical imbalance and I've been fucked up since childhood. Am I god?