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just need to vent by Hamilton Sannerfere - Mon, 20 Mar 2017 16:01:35 EST ID:rsP7RrTt No.514645 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1490040095536.jpg -(6884B / 6.72KB, 225x225) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 6884
hey i just need to let this out and someone hear it

Seriously, man, I am so sick of smoking away every god. damn. day.
I can't even believe it; 4 years since I started smoking weed, and the last 3 1/2 full fucking years have been spent high or miserable.
I only realized because my friends were talking about fucking parties of all thigns and tracing back the last three years of birthday parties we threw for our friend, I just saw it all, three years I barely even remember, barely can stand to think about, just bullshit between a few drug filled high notes, barely feel like anything has changed.
My hands found my face and I just sat there, staring into the ground like "what the fuck..."

8 years ago I had just entered college- the town I came from was a backwards shithole and I had been basically homeless and couch surfing the last two years of high school, but I put all my energy into keeping a high gpa, and got into a out of state college. I was crazy into being a fighter, I was all about doing whatever needed to be done, overachiever, never even touched drugs. I stayed outside a lot because it was the only thing i could appreciate for free. I poured all my crazy into art and learning and trying to move past the bullshit I grew up in. I moved, left basically nothing behind but a few friends, living out of my truck, made it through two years stressed out keeping everything together- when my college said I owed them $8,0000 I didn't have before I could re-enroll. There was no one I could ask for this money, Soon after, lost my job- job market in this town was terrible, spent a year trying to save money between gigs and jobs and food and rent in winter, and came away with basically nothing except keeping the debt stable.
This destroyed most of my social life I had made and life just became a long series of constantly managing looking for work. Then my car died. I had no money to fix it or rent and was homeless again, and moved in with a friend in a different city.
I told my self, this is my new beginning, I'm starting from day one, right here!
Nothing worked out. I got a new job writing like crazy, I put a ton of a passion into it and tried to use it to rebuild my social life and connections and i did get recognition... most of what it got me was a lot of drama, and the impossible expectations of strangers. The jobs you get between internet writing don't provide that much. None of it was really enough to get anywhere, and then my friend lost there house and I got really sick and it caused all kinds of pain flair up and extreme exhaustion I and ended up moving in with an ex, living a mattress in their kitchen, because I was barely able to keep up day by day and only had the money i had saved and the internet to connect with people.

life just fucking fell away. Things got dark internally. I just barely could deal with trying to stay connected to people- I became so fucking depressed and avoided people. my old friends all thought I would "make it" and seemed disappointed in me. my close relationships were suffering and internally everything and everyone seemed meaningless, and i was starting to have serious breakdowns. my life reduced down to this shitty lonely room, staring at the roof, barely able to got up and down stairs. Barely able to think clearly.

But then, randomly, while at a free clinic trying to get anyone i could to look at my joint pain, I met this person I really clicked with- she introduced my to a bunch of herbal heath practices which ended up helping a lot with my exhaustion, and I was able to get to more doctors, and eventually started making a real recovery.

And over time she introduced me to new social circle which kinda brought me out of my shell I had retreated into. A new social circle with a lot of free weed, and parties, and drugs.
There was a lot of crazy shit we got up to, and at first it was awesome, i stopped stre but haha, its so fucking obvious that over time it just became about needing to be high all the time, and not really doing anything else, and then partying became boring and again everthing started to become boring, and not smoking weed became returning to an internal hell and the nagging pressure of a life i had in ruins.
I tried to move into a new house with people and focus on making a comfortable kind of life to live wow that did not hold. My relationships with people have again become distant and more empty, and I'm smoking little by little the whole day. Doing basically nothing.

I tell myself I'm trying to process my own mess of an emotional world and relax. but I also am avoiding life beacause i feel fucking done with it.

I live with a friend, who inherited a house. I have a lot I have accumulated, but i have barely any money or anything organized in my life. I am without any direction. I have no energy or desire for anything right now. nothing sparks my interest. I feel like an extreme failure. Its been years since I've really tried anything and everything i do feels rusty, and slow.

fuck. after writing all this dont even know if its the weed or not. Life feels stupid, i dont feel proud of the work i did to survive, i feel exhausted and slapped in the face. and getting high is the only thing i enjoy in my day anymore.

I have no idea where my drive for life went. No fucking idea.
>>
Molly Cenderham - Mon, 20 Mar 2017 20:18:06 EST ID:n1yNxChx No.514647 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1490055486870.jpg -(57996B / 56.64KB, 744x891) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
i'm gonna say it's the weed, and anything else that you have going on that's fucking up your body. if weed is bad for you, it's bad for you. don't do it.
at least, that's my experience in my own life.
you can get your drive back, though i don't know exactly how. i think good health is the place to start.

that, and don't block out the sadness

good luck


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