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When you want to live, how do you start? Where do you go? Who do you need to know? by Cornelius Nivingdale - Thu, 10 Aug 2017 22:03:48 EST ID:dYl1dlye No.518024 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1502417028429.png -(646111B / 630.97KB, 519x516) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 646111
All through high school I had crippling personal issues, mostly anxiety (actually diagnosed, but I'm not one of those people that goes throwing stones at people who self-diagnose mental illness). I had the usual experience for someone like me, never had a lot of friends and the ones I did have had similar problems, didn't go through the usual milestones, etc. Had a particular difficulty working out whether people legitimately liked me, which was compounded by the fact people could figure this out and so I got a lot of the kind of bullying where people pretend they like you and throw it in your face. I turned away no fewer than five opportunities to have meaningful relationships because of this that I only realized were sincere after it was too late.

Anyway, my senior year I got involved in drugs because I had a death wish and thought that would be the most fun way to annihilate myself but to my surprise my situation improved rapidly. I made lots of friends, worked through a lot of my personal issues (most of them in fact) and my anxiety all but went away. I had my own apartment for my first 2 years of college and let in anyone who would come in to do drugs, which quickly turned into having wild parties every weekend and doing drugs with an ever-expanding group.

The problem is, while I made countless friendships and became a fixture of a very large social circle just being myself, I never got better at building intimate relationships, that is to say, I didn't have any. I found that an unwillingness to open up was replaced by an ignorance of what to do once I got a point where I was having a meaningful conversation with someone I'd like to get to know better.

So that's where I'm at now, I don't even know what advice I'm looking for here, I'm just frustrated because I'm at a roadblock progressing past the problems I made for myself when I was younger when I thought I was almost home free. I decided to move into a dorm for my second two years of college to maybe facilitate building these relationships I desperately want but I'm starting to think I might've thrown myself into the deep-end without knowing how to swim. Not to mention I'm really going to miss the friends I've made in the city where I live (I'll be living 2 hours away with no vehicle so it's not like I'll still see them every day)

I still have these issues even on drugs that might help (and certainly DID help in the early days) like xanax or alcohol, which is why I think it has less to do with my anxiety (which is still in remission, I don't take anything for it on a regular basis) and more to do with just not understanding how meaningful social interaction is supposed to work after years of isolation. When I was anxious in social situations I wouldn't want to have any human contact and I would be filled with dread when I had to be, that's totally gone and has been replaced with a burning desire TO have human contact, which up until this point has been fulfilled by friends, family, talking far too long to the cashier at the store, striking up conversations waiting for the bus, and in general bothering people, but now I can't ignore the elephant in the room that I desperately want intimate relationships
Hedda Bloblingridge - Sat, 12 Aug 2017 18:59:37 EST ID:/brn2RiX No.518057 Ignore Report Quick Reply
the next thing to do after having meaningful discourse with a human is to engage in meaningful activity. whether this is netflix n chill, butt stuff, hiking, swimming, butt stuff, going out to eat, going out for drinks, or butt stuff, the choices are endless. human connections grow deeper with shared experiences
Clara Pittingham - Wed, 16 Aug 2017 17:46:13 EST ID:wT5IMEgn No.518106 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Like butt stuff

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