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Disintegrating by Sidney Fudgestock - Thu, 12 Oct 2017 09:51:17 EST ID:/xgCR/0/ No.519336 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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I have so many issues and existential feelings that I can't actually explain in any concise or coherent manner what advice it is that I actually require. Which is a problem.

I feel like I need to completely erase my past from my head but I can't. I need to completely reinvent myself but I'm too neurotic and have no options. I am 35 years old and I've utterly ruined my life. My personality traits are not optimal for living in this world to say the least.

I'm watching all my friends getting married and have kids and its hurting. I never wanted those things because I was an irresponsible manchild with social anxiety and his head in the clouds throughout my whole 20s. I have realised I will never be able to enjoy the latter half of my life without such security and all I have to aim for is minimum wage drudgery (thats IF I can even get a job). My sexual frustration is killing me and I feel like I could snap I'm so angry all the time. I keep breaking stuff.

I just wish there was someone who understood where I'm coming from, someone in the exact same situation. I have lost all faith in free will, I believe I am living out my destiny, as it was written a long time ago.

Apologies for the incoherent nature of this post. If anyone cares enough, you can ask me some questions.
>>
Angus Pickfoot - Thu, 12 Oct 2017 12:16:16 EST ID:3qSLtzLv No.519337 Ignore Report Quick Reply
eat your greens and drink plenty of water

You are only 35, and you are a man, so you can still have a wife and kids if you want.

People have gone back to college at 50, you have loads of time
>>
Hedda Channermat - Thu, 12 Oct 2017 12:27:57 EST ID:/SOdGi2D No.519338 Ignore Report Quick Reply
i know a dude who started training in jujitsu at age 61 and ended up earning his black belt.

lol 35? you are good my man. build a new life. fuck your freinds. fuck your 20's. fuck security. fuck sex. make shit happen nigga
>>
Nathaniel Cesslesug - Thu, 12 Oct 2017 14:03:20 EST ID:qnpf4h+M No.519343 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519336
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gPeyYuA9iEM
>>
Oliver Sottingbore - Fri, 13 Oct 2017 06:28:01 EST ID:2ULIAVPs No.519361 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>519336
I think if there's any issue it's that you're trying to plug into a weird thing that just isn't compatible. Not all of us can integrate into the narrative as to how a life should look and comparing your life to it is always going to bring you pain if you do it. Strive for something else... something better.
You might want to ponder why it's important for you to even have security/job/sex because the fact is that you don't, so disintegrate those desires. They weren't even put there by you.
>>
Awe' God !!vVWR8L52 - Fri, 13 Oct 2017 10:20:00 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.519363 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519336
i used to think to get something you need to know what it IS and how to get there. That made life miserable cause my desires were impossible in such belief system.
Now I fast think and wait. Fasting makes my thoughts cleaner and clearer and purer, then I just have to know how it FEELS and feel it, embody it in decisions thoughts and actions and then let go of outcome and let the consequences wash over me, even kill me, no fear no control, serenity. If I fall I am still proud and loving to myself, knowing I did the best I could, seeing my perfection, knowing my goodness even if everything's going to shit I recognize the perfection in the shit and thus enjoy it, let it wash over me. Let life be what it is, I crave life, just give it to me, the intensity... all I have to care about is what I am flowing to the world and that's all I am willing to control and the choice is easy, obv it's what you'd like to be flowed by the universe, cause reflective yada yada...
>>
Cedric Duckham - Fri, 13 Oct 2017 18:30:15 EST ID:kAEKpfyQ No.519375 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519336

I don't believe in free will either, but it really makes no practical difference. Your ego exists, it still has choices to make, those choices will impact your happiness. It really just makes no fucking difference.
>>
Lydia Smallfoot - Fri, 13 Oct 2017 19:08:27 EST ID:o3vIoRWZ No.519376 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>I hurt! Tell me it's not my fault!

I understand. I know. It's not. It's really not.

But it is your responsibility to deal with it, and yours alone.

Do you understand where I'm coming from?
>>
Lydia Smallfoot - Fri, 13 Oct 2017 19:28:33 EST ID:o3vIoRWZ No.519377 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519363
>Let life be what it is, I crave life, just give it to me, the intensity...
Ohgodyes, I love this ride! Up, down, twist, turn, woooo-hoooo! Yeah, can't get enough
>>
Hedda Clingerridge - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 04:07:36 EST ID:yUhAjzvV No.519388 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Are you opposed to working in a factory? You won't be working for minimum wage then. I used to think it would suck ass and I started working nightshift at a cabinet making factory not too long ago that works 10 hours a day, 4 days a week... only we always work 11 hours a day, heh. occasionally we work Sundays (did my first week there) but you make retarded money for doing it. Even if you worked dayshift for a factory and had a normal 8 (or 9) hours a day, 2 to 3 days off during the week is plenty really. They're pretty much hiring all the time, you just have to be willing to actually work my nigga
>>
Hedda Clingerridge - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 04:15:22 EST ID:yUhAjzvV No.519389 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Honestly even though the hours drag on a lot and things can get a little challenging or frustrating sometimes, how easy it is for how much it pays actually surprised the fuck out of me.

I'm not even being paid the full wage for my job yet because I haven't completed the 90 day probationary period and with last Sunday added in I made ~$550 in a week. I sleep like a fuckin baby when I get home until it's time to go to work, and then I (typically) get 3 days off to do whatever I want.

As soon as I get my normal wage and shit I'll be making roughly $31k a year and the job just requires me to be okay with being rushed a bit sometimes and to lift a few not very heavy things with somebody else, and provides good benefits.

If there's anything like that in your area and you've just been automatically rejecting any thought of applying just because it's a factory just get over it nigga
>>
Hedda Clingerridge - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 05:15:47 EST ID:yUhAjzvV No.519391 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519336
As far as actual existential issues go, and feeling like you're disintegrating... do you have any problems experiencing depersonalization, deralization, or both? Have you ever had or do you currently have any kind of real grasp on your identity, what an identity really even is, and what it means?

These things in particular can make it extremely difficult to relate and connect to other people, maye they're barriers in the way of accomplishing that for you? We need some more information to identify exactly what the problem is.

When it comes to free will, most every view I have on the nature of existence precludes the truth of our possessing it. It's difficult to define what exactly we mean by free will anyway. Do external and internal pressures that affect your decision making process make free will impossible to begin with? If we were to define it most simply as the ability to choose what you want to do and endure the subsequent consequences of that decisionn, how free can we really be if we are required to eat to convert physical material into usable energy? Or any of the other precautions we have to take to avoid death, or the fact there are physical laws that cannot be overcome.

Even if we say freewill is the ability to make one's own decisions after accounting for all that (which you'd have to do for there any chace of freewill existing), so basically being given relatively few choices with consequences to follow within a larger set of otherwise required behaviors. This one has some merit toward its existence because, and only because we perceive ourselves as having freewill. Our perceptions themselves are the individual realities we experience and there isn't a way to credibly measure our ability to act freely or in a manner that is determined.

Considering all that we've ever knon and experienced is our reality, the answer is a choice. Everything we've ever known and could know tells us we are making decisions freely and of our own will, and yet outside of us it seems almost as if the universe is deterministic, at least to any meaningful extent. Both amount to personal beliefs, one no more true than the other provided that what you've decided. If you want to believe one is true, you can, and will. Simple as that.

Still, as it stands, believing there is no freewill doesn't mean to stop taking part in life's games and trying to get where you want to be. Whether or not free will exists is entirely inconsequential when it comes to what you perceive and feel on a daily basis. Considering you're at least being thrown a bone, you might as well take it. It's the only one you've got. Take reality seriously and actually pursue the things you've always wanted to. You've been spending all your time anxious and thinking, unsure about what to do because you're sure you know how all of it is going to end, but things never wind up being like you imagined then. You have to get out there are do stuff if for no reason because you want to be uncomfortable because you know it means you'll experience something new, and that frightens you.
>>
Albert Pittdock - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 06:43:23 EST ID:/xgCR/0/ No.519392 Ignore Report Quick Reply
OP here

Thanks for the replies

>>519338

>lol 35? you are good my man. build a new life

I've changed my mindset to simply taking up my cross and bearing it now. I really see no opportunities for a worthwhile life at my age. But I guess you never know

>>519361

I can't help but feel those desires are pretty much universal. I bought into the "follow your dream!" bullshit but the fact is that security is what keeps you sane and gets you through this life. A very small percentage of people have what it takes to live extraordinary lives.

>>519376

I take responsibility for NOW. I really should take responsibility for the past but I can't help but keep absolving myself of blame because of the issues I have had which I feel were not something I ever wanted to have to deal with and because I never knew any better with the mistakes I made

>>519388

I did factory work many years ago. At this point, I'll do just about anything unless it involves working in McDonalds or being an Amazon warehouse slave. I will most likely attempt to get office work.
>>
Albert Pittdock - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 06:49:23 EST ID:/xgCR/0/ No.519393 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519391

I am very introverted and prone to chronic fantasising, projection and rumination and I suppose I've never had a very strong sense of self. I had quite a strong idea of what I WANTED to be, but I have always lacked self-confidence and I now feel that its too late to pursue this. Age has definitely changed my mindset. How much of this is down to the influence of friends and society I'm unsure, but probably a great deal. I grew up wanting to be different and hated "normal". Now I'd really just like to calm my mind and be normal, whatever that actually is.

I look around and just see biological organisms going through entropy. Even my own thoughts are just chemical processes that were bound to occur.
>>
Lillian Gadgewill - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 17:51:21 EST ID:o3vIoRWZ No.519400 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519392
>I take responsibility for NOW. I really should take responsibility for the past but I can't help but keep absolving myself of blame because of the issues I have had which I feel were not something I ever wanted to have to deal with and because I never knew any better with the mistakes I made

You can only really take responsibility for the past. Your past action = cause. The effect of it/reaction to it = consequence.
Taking responsibility means owning up to the effects and consequences of your past actions.

But you didn't get my main point. Responsibility =/= blame. You're not to blame for the bad outcome of your past actions if they came out of ignorance. But you are responsible to deal with any consequences of those actions.

Like, say you didn't know you gotta wash your hands after wiping your ass. Nobody ever told you or taught you, and you ended up having a severe infection. It's really not your fault for not washing your hands. But now you gotta deal with the infection and make sure it never happens again.
>>
Nell Pongerturk - Sat, 14 Oct 2017 20:18:23 EST ID:yEoxX0eq No.519402 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519393
I'm similar. Something that I started doing is remembering, or at least trying, the things that facinated me when I was younger. All those things that I used to do just by impulse and seek my identity in them, what was it that I was aiming for without even realizing it and trying to get back to that path without trying to totally understand them. I also went to the extreme of just wanting to be normal and being able to calm my mind, but I accepted that that will just not happen. I don't know were does that feeling of wanting to be different and hating normal comes from, I just know that I've felt it since I was a kid. The key, I belive, is to craft the mature version of that mindset.
Do you like to draw or play an instrument or something like that?
>>
Martha Honeyway - Sun, 15 Oct 2017 10:27:05 EST ID:/xgCR/0/ No.519422 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519402

As a creative person, I always loved art and music when I was younger but trying to make a career out of either of those things is insanely difficult, even with a healthy focused mind.

I'm trying to care less about what others are doing. In your 30s, everyone seems intent on making you feel defective if you are not in a relationship, married, having kids etc. I would like those things but its nowhere near yet but other people all seem to be on the same path. Its very difficult staying sane and happy when you don't have a strong sense of self when confronted with this kind of thing constantly
>>
Martin Blunnercherk - Sun, 15 Oct 2017 17:29:05 EST ID:oPWlHymh No.519429 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519422
I'm 19 and just as lost
It seems like it just gets worse and worse
maybe by the time one hits 50 suddenly you just archive such a level of not giving a fuck that everything becomes worth it
>>
Fucking Movingchadging - Sun, 15 Oct 2017 21:47:55 EST ID:yUhAjzvV No.519432 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Sounds like most everybody here has schizoid personality disorder

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder
>>
Emma Shakeridge - Mon, 16 Oct 2017 18:07:02 EST ID:WozaXgtK No.519460 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519429
For a lot of people it gets better. Especially from 19. You just learn to into life. If you completely stop trying you won't improve though. If you were 29 and like this guy I'd say "it's more likely to get worse than better" but odds are you'll get your shit together. Just don't stop fighting.
>>
Awe' God !!vVWR8L52 - Tue, 17 Oct 2017 03:47:50 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.519473 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519460
by stoping fighting is how you get your shit together. but yeah for me 19 was when things have started to improve rapidly. although i took very serious steps to heal and detox my body so I have a much more enjoyable machine now. Can;t help but wonder if that's not the very reason my life is so much better. Well i also let go of many beliefs that didn;t serve me...
>>
Barnaby Lightham - Tue, 17 Oct 2017 12:39:32 EST ID:WozaXgtK No.519476 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519473
>stoping fighting is how you get your shit together
I suppose if you mean so you can hit rock bottom and bounce then maybe even that, that's not really true. But honestly all the time I just resigned myself to getting nothing from life was lost, it served no purpose, it didn't make me better. There is little I learned except that it had been a waste of time. If I hadn't needed to realise that I'd have been fine 5 years earlier.

I'm way out on the bell curve. At 19 almost everyone is still struggling to get their shit together.
>>
Dextrolord - Tue, 17 Oct 2017 13:35:45 EST ID:ymGVR82j No.519477 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>519336
You remind me of my friend he's an all around good guy, just wigs out occasionally.

Just don't do meth that's when his shit started to get out of control

Sadly life is harder for some people than others I don't have really advice besides just try to accept your reality
>>
Awe' God !!vVWR8L52 - Tue, 17 Oct 2017 16:01:52 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.519479 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>519476
I mean going with the flow, using the forces that are present to your advantage instead of thinking that there are things that have to be dominated to extract benefit or for some damage control reasons. If you let go of the struggle, the universe conspires on your and your desire's behalf. IMO


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