420chan now has a web-based IRC client available, right here
Leave these fields empty (spam trap):
Name
You can leave this blank to post anonymously, or you can create a Tripcode by using the float Name#Password
Comment
[*]Italic Text[/*]
[**]Bold Text[/**]
[~]Taimapedia Article[/~]
[%]Spoiler Text[/%]
>Highlight/Quote Text
[pre]Preformatted & Monospace text[/pre]
1. Numbered lists become ordered lists
* Bulleted lists become unordered lists
File

Sandwich


Community Updates

420chan now supports HTTPS! If you find any issues, you may report them in this thread
Medical Systems Suck by Hugh Brookman - Wed, 17 Jan 2018 23:23:30 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.521585 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1516249410971.gif -(3778315B / 3.60MB, 500x280) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 3778315
So i'm a young 20 something male, i've been suffering from terrible recurrent bowel issues (Every one in the book) and this all started about over a year ago.

I smoke alot of weed, and i vape nicotine but never really did any other drugs past experimenting.

I was living with my GF at the time of over a year, i started violently vomiting and consistently being nauseous pretty much every second of every day, it was intense and world-ending at first with how bad it was, i would sit down and just craddle back and forth in tears, this went on for about 1 -2 months straight and i lost over 40lbs. Of course, i went to the hospital... 8 times in three months in the ER, being sent away being told i'm too young for issues and that it's "Just muscle pain"

This lead to a diagnosis of Cannabis Hypertheremis Syndrome on the basis i smoke a gram of weed a day, previously a gram of shatter a day. This lead to another diagnosis of IBS and a host of other things, unsatisfactory as my tests and reports kept coming back fine.

After the 5th time, i was sent over to a GI specialist, did every scope and every test possible and a singular CT scan (I've had instruments up every crevice) and the GI specialist told me that it "Definitely isn't a GI Related Issue." and he's been the only doctor to really help at this point.
I've been through now something like 12 ER doctors, 1 GI specialist, 1 Adrenal Gland Specialist, three CT scans that have resulted in nothing up to this point and i'm in a constant disarray (Although not nearly as badly as the first two months of which the pain was so intense, i contemplated suicide as Opiates didn't curb the pain past absolutely numbing myself to sleep, and i was vomiting 4 -5 times atleast daily and NO medications were helping my vomiting or nausea, no matter the strength of medication.)

It sucked so bad i lost my GF within a month cause she couldn't deal with me at the time, my job and career went in flames and pretty much every hobby i had ended up becoming swallowed up by the constant pain and discomfort, anxiety i've been dealing with.

So, two weeks ago after my fourth CT scan after the last 1.4 years at this point i get a call from my GI doc and he tells me i might have mesenteric venous thrombosis or some kind of blood clots in the arteries and veins that supply and drain blood from the intestines... And i'm to go immediately to the hospital ER and get a CT scan that day again immediately as he planned everything for me to go in and get hopefully more information on this development.

So i go in there, it takes 6 hours of waiting around, i've been in this hospital more times than i'de figure i'de ever be in a hospital, i talk to another new doctor, they examine me and say "Well, its a blood clot but we actually found this all LAST YEAR and the bloodclot was way worse then than it is now, maybe this is it?" and sets me up a fourth CT scan than was to be done last week to confirm the size of my blood clots and for me to move onto a Thrombosis Clinic (Blood Vessel Specialists)

I had to call monday to my GI specialist after calling radiology myself to find there was never any requests for my CT scan or anything that the other, 15th, 20th doctor i seen in the ER who was SPECIFICALLY the person i was to deal with. was to setup.

IDK why the fuck if i had a bloody bloodclot in my body after two CT scans and seeing a GI SPECIALIST why nobody said anything. Well, i know why, cause the medical system, specifically in Canada is oversaturated to crap and everything involving your health is ridiculously expensive.

But the last year, i gotta tell you has opened my eyes to more shit than i think i ever really wanted to face in people. From having my GF devolve into saying "I gotta be with somebody who's able to function" which is understandable, if not really eye opening because a month ago it was "Let's get married.". To the last year of me being barely able to work, survive, or do anything as i can't do disability without a diagnosis.

To my parents i have no choice but to live with constantly berating me and comparing me to people my age, after i've spent the last coming up to two years quite literally trying to just have the will to wake up the next day without crying or yelping in pain or so discomforted i just toss and turn in bed for days at a time.

I make like $300 a month right now. And every single day i am nauseous, in pain sometimes better than worse, although i think i've just become insanely tolerant to the pain. Honestly, it's hard to even hold a conversation with somebody, let alone show up to a job, make any kind of arrangement, plan or activity... Cause at any moment i can hit the floor in intense pain, maybe the pain is just constant that day. It's a luck roll.

Now, i just don't inconvenience anybody... I changed my diet to a gluten free, bare bones diet that helped, can't eat with other people even if i could show up at a given time on a given day instead of being hunched over a toilet, wondering where my life is even going. And it's just so shitty man, like, people told me it was anxiety, so i started getting professional help.

I decided to go on tour (Music, been doing it 15years toured quite a bit) and it was the worst thing i've ever decided to do. Vomiting, crying, stressing, performing, eating like crap, sitting in a car for 8 hours every single day and constantly feeling like shit ontop of making a pittance of money and being as valuable as a door stopper wasn't really the best idea with medical issues on the rise for an entire month.

And so, i've quit playing. TL;DR, really eye opening experience.

I've lost pretty much everything that was important to me. But really, i think about how messed up the system really is. You get sick, you get ill, you have complications... And there's really no quick fixes, it's expensive.. you can't work... you can't even socialize or have much of a life, your entire life goes down the potty and really, you either got the cash, or the value for somebody to help you for or because, or you're just another statistic.

And i've just become so, tolerant to that. I accept that i have less value than somebody else. And i accept nobody can just see the issues i'm having, and i accept how it is. I accept how people are, how society is and how this all panned out, i just wish i was in more physical pain so the reality of the situation didn't make me so damned sad.

It's gotten so bad now i gotta probably sell my last possessions within the next couple months just to keep comfortable. I crashed my car i needed for my only job i could keep last month... And well, you got the money, or you don't got the money. Not sure really if i'm a special case, or a neglected case.

But it doesn't really matter. And that's both eye opening, and really saddening. I just sorta want something that resembles some kind of human life... I'm not lazy, uninspired or unskilled, unsociable. I'm just in a lot of pain dude... If i could go a day without pain, i'de have a life again.
>>
Hugh Brookman - Wed, 17 Jan 2018 23:24:25 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.521586 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516249465971.gif -(441262B / 430.92KB, 500x376) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
I try to plan something to do, i either go and am miserable wondering why i'm even trying as i dry heave in alleys, or i end up just dying at home wishing i could just go out the fucking door. And it's not something i can control, manage or deal with, opiates don't take the pain away, weed doesn't take the pain away just some nausea and every damn IBS pill, every damn treatment i've tried... Every diet... Every form of exercise, being relaxed, being tense. I've tried it all and i'm still in the shits, having the shits or i REALLY can't even take a god damned shit.

And i went for MONTHS to the hospital, i went and did everything i could. And all i can really do here at this point as i've saturated all my coverage and stretched every dollar i have to my name is just... Wait... Hope that the people who seen this all a year ago and didn't tell me or setup a follow appointment a year following even can figure it out and maybe i can go do something.

Until then, my shrink gets $200 a half hour from the government for me to literally cry on his shoulder at this point cause what i'm dealing with isn't mental and everybody else who isn't getting paid to hear me out for an hour a week is too busy... Too alive to really give a shit about somebody who as far as uses to them -- are as good as a dead man. Shrinks a nice guy, but he can only really listen at this point as the problems aren't even in his field.

The pain runs all along my ribs into my guts above and to both sides of my belly button and the pain is like getting gut-punched or stabbed repeatedly, it makes me sweat and scream, yelp and howl. I can go without eating for 5 days and it's still the same. My guts are constantly churning at the same time.

IDK, TL;DR and move on if ya want. But what would you do? Cause i don't know what i'm gonna do anymore. The only thing i can say is i'm pretty happy with myself at least... Even if the world, or other people don't got a use for me anymore. I just want the pain to end and i've been on pins and needles at times wondering just how long i can endure this, and i guess the answer i've been running with is; till i'm dead.

TL;DR: I got a 100 inch dildo rammed into my anus.
>>
John Ninkinford - Thu, 18 Jan 2018 07:17:49 EST ID:h/1sxUpj No.521590 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521585
Wow op, that really sucks. I don't have anything helpful to say, I know nothing of Canadian healthcare. It sounds like some serious incompetence if they knew you had blood clots a year ago.
>>
Betsy Trotfield - Thu, 18 Jan 2018 07:37:55 EST ID:ROGlj1oY No.521591 Ignore Report Quick Reply
man that for sure sucks but be glad they found a cause, are you on any blood thinner? you can get a second thrombosis (prob in your lungs, liver or even brain) if you aren't taking those

I've had a thrombosis and everyone but my parents abandoned me and the system wasn't as bad, shit still sucked, i vomitted every single day of 2007 so i literally know your pain

i skeptically tried alternative medicine after leaving the hospital and haven't looked back, ir was a LONG ASS process but it pretty much healed me, idk how it is in Canada but try to find a professional doctor that went the alternative route

good luck and patience, man, you'll need it
>>
Hugh Brookman - Thu, 18 Jan 2018 14:04:32 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.521598 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521591
Nope. No blood thinner yet, im basically waiting here for another CT scan and to get to the Thrombosis Clinic to talk to some people who actually maybe know a thing or two and can put me on some if it really is a Thrombosis.

But i've had people tell me this might be a false positive, and maybe entirely unrelated..

IDK, and people don't seem to know. Just got off the phone with the office that sent my requisition forms, it's been like 1.5 week now over when i was supposed to be in to try to figure some more out... literally was told i just gotta wait cause "Sometimes requisitions take longer than patients would like."

The shittiest thing is for the last over year i've been told multiple times now i'm a lost cause and it's likely Chronic Pain of some form. I've been told this, been told that. And it's all really confusing and now it's hard to even trust or believe anything to be honest.

Hopefully this is it? That's all i can really do or hope for at this point, been through a lot of doctors at this point. And if it isnt? They're gonna tell me there's nothing they can do and send me off for another year weeping out of the hospital and tell me "Good Luck".
>>
awe' !!vVWR8L52 - Fri, 19 Jan 2018 16:51:16 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.521646 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521585
read nd dr morse's book. I hear some people were redeemed from their bowel issues after trying many things.

If nothing else helps just fast dude, the body knows what to do. Hippocraties himself said most people just need to fast rather than take medicine.
>>
Rebecca Crimmerkidge - Sat, 20 Jan 2018 04:42:47 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.521663 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521646
http://www.azquotes.com/author/22138-Hippocrates
>>
Rebecca Crimmerkidge - Sat, 20 Jan 2018 04:48:57 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.521664 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521663
this should be a sticky on /qq/ cause it applies to almost everyone and brings results. It's unfortunate that most people have very little idea about how health is even brought on in the first place. Hippocrates is definitelly not alone in his opinions. Most people online who are the main figures and actually care about making people well again will speak similar language even nowadays. And it's almost the opposite of mainstream medicine which is just fucked IMO. Butchery and chemical butchery. Not to say that some emergency surgeries aren't amazing, but overall it's like the civil war nowadays just mostly using drugs that we were never meant to consume in the first place. Believe it or not plants growing those chemicals that the chemists borrowed the structures from are usually much more effective, safe and much less harmfull. Anyway fasting and hugh quality plant foods is the way to health not medicines in most cases.
>>
Wesley Nobberback - Sat, 20 Jan 2018 05:09:05 EST ID:h/1sxUpj No.521665 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521664
>Believe it or not plants growing those chemicals that the chemists borrowed the structures from are usually much more effective, safe and much less harmful

I don't believe it because it's demonstrably untrue. Dose standardisation was a major bit of progress in drug therapy. The amount of an active ingredient in a plant source can vary hugely with growing conditions, ask anyone who's tried to dose datura.
>>
awe !!vVWR8L52 - Sat, 20 Jan 2018 15:07:29 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.521671 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521665
well then i guess people are idiots cause this donald trump guy definitely is... oh wai
>>
Frederick Siffinglere - Sun, 21 Jan 2018 10:54:02 EST ID:eueUxQmf No.521679 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521671
Good reason why you filter tripcodes nb
>>
Alice Brookforth - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 05:35:34 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.521701 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516703734981.gif -(325405B / 317.78KB, 250x188) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
OP here, i thank everybody for posting.

So, after another week i ended up getting my appointment to the Thrombosis clinic to start diagnosing these bloodclots. It's another three weeks... and my CT scan also got booked.. it's 7 weeks away. About 8 weeks over from being asked to go to the emergency.

I guess my post got distracted by all of my own worries and ranting, but i'de rather instead of discussing what works, we maybe discuss the ethics of the treatment being provided. Although i'll be honest, it's a useless discussion in my mind as you can quite clearly see that there's too many people to treat and in general, not a lot of people give a shit about you, your feelings or how you are doing, atleast not from outside their own angles.

It's alot like music as i like to use as an example; you can play and do anything you want to, you will not make friends and no, the people who say they like your music aren't into your music, or that is, the theory behind your music or even really the end results being captivating, different or anything else for that matter. Simply that it creates fun, entertainment and community through people bashing one another over the heads with their opinions.

And i think further, and it's really just this; Human life = Lesser Value Than $ that fluctuates from cents to maybe a couple 100,000 per life. Fact being i could pay a kid $400 and he'd probably kill somebody for it, might sound crazy to you, but that's your angle. I've seen people die for less and do more desperate things.

Perhaps we have too many people with high, unrealistic standards in such a packed space with such limited things in a finite reality that we are so detached from at this point that in a lot of ways leads to a mentally unstable, untrustworthy environment to conduct anything "Healthy" that isn't some sort of self-intelligent lying. But i ramble, as you can see. Sorta unrelated, but i feel pretty relevant as it's a reflection of the environment.
>>
Alice Brookforth - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 05:45:48 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.521702 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516704348981.gif -(611088B / 596.77KB, 300x168) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>521701


I ain't here to preach what works, or what doesn't when i don't know what it is. But, i have fallen in the last week into a bit of a depressed mood and i've made some self-realizations, as stupid as they are going to sound.

I was going back in time in my own head and sort of thinking about when this started. And basically this is what i think contributed heavily, if not the heaviest.

>Bad relationship with abusive she-wolf feminist who lived in a house full of rats with millions of $ in the bank cause she was mentally unstable and my initial intentions of just helping her ended up becoming probably the most abusive relationship i'm ever gonna have in my life even although i had nothing but the best of intentions.
>Brink of losing career, loss of hobbies i've had for years
>Slowly it turns into Physical symptoms, i've now tracked and thought about my diet and i realize i've been at over 1000+ (more like 1500) calories a day under for basic metabolic function pretty much for the last 2 years and my rate of eating for the last 4 years has steadily and slowly decreased and i have such a high tolerance for cannabis it doesn't stimulate my appetite anymore, and without it i am left with even more discomfort.
>Riding out the bad relationship, get sick everyday, everything goes to shit.
>Lose relationship probably for better, but it was really fucking difficult to grasp some of the really evil, heinous shit that girl put me through, near end my symptoms would flare HUGELY when trying to speak to her as she did nothing but tell me i was inadequate.
>Gets Worse, way worse and i pretty much lost my entire future for 4 months cause i couldn't get out the door without puking and prior business plans were cancelled, leading to me almost getting entirely shutout of the company i helped found and being betrayed for a lot of $ by my longest standing friend.
>Figure i'm either gonna die or i'm just gonna shoot myself to get away from the gut ache and figure i'm gonna go on a last ditch music tour across the country and hop on with a band... Maybe make some friends, have fun and maybe even feel better about everything.
>Tour goes GREAT with only 24hr's of practice over 3 weeks and meeting the drummer flying in from newyork ON STAGE, i played infront of probably over 30,000 people in total... So What $ do you make for that and going over half way across canada? $100 before you go for food to last you 4 weeks, 8 hr drives, sleeping in shitty places, getting treated like shit by venues, barely have the time to feed yourself inbetween the busyness and when you actually play? The end of the night you wonder what you've been doing for the last 15 years, how you even enjoyed it to begin with and realizing you could be making some money but you'de be taking a pittance out of a fund you'de rather just go to the other people who maybe do still enjoy something about this and the extra what? $50? That's fuck all when i could work a quarter of the day, not 15 years and a full day at ANY other job to make.
>People say "Good Job" or "I love you guys" but readily will bitch about 5, 10$ tickets. People say live music is dying, proceed to help nobody else but themselves and a mass majority of musicians coming from rich families creating musicians who don't struggle, care, or work, it's like this game for the snooty, "Creative" kids with their heads up their asses and an unlimited stockpile of cash. Oh yeah, let me hear your shitty cover of greenday and the song you wrote about this very common, uninteresting topic and watch as all the dumb ass bitches in the audience with daddy issues who are high on blow living on disney princess fantasies give praise for such "Powerful" messages over your shitty in the key of C first finger chords. No, i don't give a FUCK about your shitty agenda to be "Famous" (That's a common thing... And they're not kidding when they say it.) NO, wearing your fucking tuxedo on stage doesn't make you "Professional" it makes you look like your in your mid 50's at the end of your ropes playing casinos... Ironically Casino Rock Cover gigs are probably the only viable way of making a living outside production works.

>Puke everyday of Tour, have whole WEEK BOUTS of constipation, live an entire month on basically bread and suppository laxatives, hunched over in the back room until stage time and i pull every ounce of my will and dopamine to get through it.
>Get back from tour, great performances, figure hey, maybe i'll get back into this and do this tour thing more often.

>Realize that in 15 years and 8 years of classical training and basically all my money going into my passion that in one year of business owning and working in artistic designs and webdesign, writing and coding projects that i've had more APPRECIATION for my work both in what people PAY ME (Cause i create these people an alternative form of making money out of THEY'RE PASSION AND BUSINESSES, this has even lead to my work directly creating jobs for other people to obtain.) and the way they RESPECT me. (People who own million dollar companies who have interesting stories want my opinion on X cause they know i'm the guy to come to for X.) and in a lot of ways, in any kind of way i want to do creative things, is a billion times more palatable, productive, selfless and in a lot of ways, infinitely more enjoyable, and importantly... Creative. Than anything i could do musically in the current state of how things are.

You know, you talk to a kid in their 18 - 20's about music... They talk about the results, they know not, or care not the theory.
You talk to them about business, they want to hear about your money, your success and again, its all results. They care not about the interesting fields that are self-incorporation or the management skills it requires to run your own business, let alone the skills for making a custom CMS system and e-com bays.
>>
Alice Brookforth - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 05:47:41 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.521703 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516704461981.gif -(1358904B / 1.30MB, 448x336) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>521702

They wanna hear about the cool show, they wanna hear about you meeting jimi hendrix's son, they wanna hear why being a part of your "Community" is gonna get them A.Laid, B.Look Cool, C. To Fit In A Box with People who Only Live in Boxes. They don't care about the 15 years of sweat and tears, they don't care about the effort it took you over weeks to figure out how to setup your own share structure or incorporate a business without paying some asshole an extreme amount of money for something that takes 10 minutes to do only, and isn't difficult, theo nly difficult thing is you gotta figure it out yourself because nobody is going to give you the quote "Legal Advice But for a Legal Representative." because it's a whole market to wall legal information off from the public and charge them $1000 for something in reality only takes $60 to do and 10 minutes. (Oh yeah and you need to do this, or your running an illegal business, GOOD LUCK KIDS!)

You've busted your ass over the last year, you've busted your ass for what you want to do. You used to bang heroine and sleep in the gutters before you got sober in your fucking mid teens and your billion dollar girlfriend with some anxiety issues in a house of rats who is crazy -- who you fall in love with out of trying to help -- will leave you as soon as your puking, crying and getting in the way between her and dancing at some shitty place.

It doesn't fucking matter. You. Do. Not. Fucking. Matter. Your usefulness, or what i can get out of you, from you, directly or by being around you for these selfish reasons with the guise of "Well we're only human" or "Well that's what we'd all do" or whatever willfully ignorant shit you can say to yourself to justify your shittyness you bring on the rest of humanity in this fake guise of what's fucking "Sensible" creating a world so fucking sterile you might as well sit around in the K hole is the entire message i keep getting. And i can't be alone in that; just look at the fucking drug boards, people are picking up on this shit either quicker than i did and just didn't even try to begin with, or much later and it didn't even fucking matter at that point.

Fuck, you see it just in everyday passerby's words. You see it in their body language as they skulk around they're objectives and goals. You = Means to an end and you can either parlay and entertain it, or go fuuuuuuccckkk yourself. I see it everyday, i hear it, everyday.

You spend 15 years and roll in a $10,000 setup of music gear. You get $20 and the venue owner is bitching at you the whole time about his bar sales as your just trying to get through the day, you expect some light at the end of the dark tunnel and all you get are empty compliments, and never truly passing any barriers. You don't teach anybody anything who leaves your show ANYTHING. (Not listening.)

Holy fuck tho, you start doing creative things people find MONETARY WORTH in and who knew... In 1 year You get treated like an equal human being, more than you ever did in the last 15 years of doing something that is just "Generally" viewed as some passionate, creative, expressive passion... in 1 year you help other people by creating jobs, hiring people, stimulating small business economy and teach people lots of shit through your trials of hitting your head against the music wall. (They want to listen, they want to learn. They'll even pay you handsomely and buy you a fucking latte.)

Yeah, i'm ranting again... But if there's anything i have learned over the last year is that i'm right up to fucking here with a lot of people's priorities and i guess i have been for as long as i can fucking remember.

Back to topic: I've been stressed out, i've been depressed, i've been not eating well at all, i've handled all the shit as best i can and tried far too many different things from medications to alternative treatments to pretty much everything you can imagine while i get fucked some more by a shitty system -- not shitty doctors. A shitty system, fucked up by shitty people. Cause we're all a little shitty.

And actually back to topic: I've tried all the meds, i've tried all the diets, i've dealt with a lot of my mental issues. I think it's a mixture of mass stress over a long period mixed with unhealthy environment, people and an anorexic eating pattern, perhaps this blood clot nonsense is a contributing factor, although probably just a result of it, whatever it is.

I've upped my calories to about 2000 now without vomitting over the last two days up from 500 - 700ish, although it comes with nausea increasing throughout the day as i progressively eat more, the pain in my guts have been reducing. And i do feel a bit better.

IDK why i try. This was TL;DR and i guess i'm just a huge faggot for typing this all out... It's sorta like my passion of music. I'm a huge fucking faggot for giving an ounce of a damn. I'm a huge fucking faggot for getting sick, i'm a huge fucking faggot for this, for that. My intentions amount to about 0. If i put this in a book in a palatable format, somebody would say "I liked reading this and i liked this point and that point, i don't like this and that." and delve into it perhaps.

"Well if you feel that way OP, maybe you should convey it in a more productive way for yourself."
You can replace productive with "Profitable" or "Accepted" or really any other shit, productive is just a nice word for "Things that work cause all of this is bullshit."

But all people want is to be entertained. I guess that goes for me too, but damn are a mass majority of people depressingly boring, not cause they're dull. They're just damned unappreciative and think everything lasts forever. Well fuck you, i heard a motto once and it's a damn good one; One cannot let the Fear of the Unknown Dictate what they can or could not know.

And well my damned life isn't gonna last forever and these symptoms of shit are so fucking bad that it's a miracle i don't just jump out my damned window and to have all this fucking shit implode around me, witness how shitty people are and now after a year and a half of hell, i can't even get a god damned government worker to make an entry in a database for a fucking appointment so i can stop shitting myself, spinning in nausea holding my guts tight to prevent vomit going everywhere and being in so much pain the fucking opi's i havent touched in over 8 years can't even numb it can MAYBE just FUCKING MAYBE STOP.

THATS ALL I WANT. IT TO FUCKING STOP. But, fuck what i want, fuck my intentions and fuck my life. It's a shit show out there man. This whole thing is a shit show, this shit, it fucking sucks. It sucks shit. But i'm not fucking grabbing my shotgun, i'm not tasting lead, i'm still fucking working, i'm not crying any fucking more. I'm awake, i'm thinking, i'm fucking breathing. And at the very least i have my damned self to be happy with -- and i cannot imagine a worst fate for a lot of people than to let them be just that -- they're own damned people. Cause people willingly throw themselves off cliffs without any need to do a damned thing yourself.
>>
Basil Blurringridge - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 15:20:12 EST ID:XF4bgl/V No.521706 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521703
Just cut off all the contact with humans except for some communities in the internet that you find non toxic and your job. Meditate. Eat well. Sleep well. Make good money as web developer. Problem solved.
>>
Doris Pimmerbad - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 15:49:04 EST ID:eueUxQmf No.521707 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521706
I hate you socal fucks who reduce the meaning of happiness to your panacea of holistic parroted factors.
>>
awe !!vVWR8L52 - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 15:55:05 EST ID:hQScIyLB No.521708 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516740905613.jpg -(988910B / 965.73KB, 4288x2848) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>521707
h8 is wellcome m9.
>>
Basil Blurringridge - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 18:05:26 EST ID:XF4bgl/V No.521712 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516748726057.jpg -(173781B / 169.71KB, 1600x1200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>521707
>cut of all the contact with humans
>you social fucks
>>
Eugene Trothood - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 19:32:32 EST ID:1Rz3ytOr No.521713 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516753952917.gif -(1475233B / 1.41MB, 245x184) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>521703
>It's a shit show out there man. This whole thing is a shit show, this shit, it fucking sucks. It sucks shit.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uDy4ozCbQHY
>>
Caroline Gorrybanks - Tue, 23 Jan 2018 21:27:44 EST ID:0fYrffd3 No.521716 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1516760864736.png -(166351B / 162.45KB, 500x281) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>521703
>these symptoms of shit are so fucking bad
>It's a shit show
>I WANT IT TO FUCKING STOP
>I'm not crying any fucking more.
>I'm awake.

?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3tav3bI4M6I
>>
Lillian Blytheson - Fri, 26 Jan 2018 01:12:58 EST ID:QoHCM376 No.521754 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521703
Not much of a consolation I know
but I have a cracked spine l5 on da lumbar
When I was 23 a neuro surgeon said I had the spine of a 60 year old man
1 year for MY spine is 5 years for normal people now
and yeah fuck all these Drs and all these people who say
"just try x, or maybe its your attitude"
fuckem
love u op
we here together
Im sorry
>>
Lillian Blytheson - Fri, 26 Jan 2018 01:12:58 EST ID:QoHCM376 No.521755 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521703
Not much of a consolation I know
but I have a cracked spine l5 on da lumbar
When I was 23 a neuro surgeon said I had the spine of a 60 year old man
1 year for MY spine is 5 years for normal people now
and yeah fuck all these Drs and all these people who say
"just try x, or maybe its your attitude"
fuckem
love u op
we here together
Im sorry
>>
Graham Ferrybury - Tue, 30 Jan 2018 02:37:16 EST ID:Svgtf+UD No.521849 Ignore Report Quick Reply
I have a mental disability that keeps me from working, I feel you on the "medical shit keeps me from living a normal life, but nobody can see it" bit.

Sorry you've got to go through that pain.
>>
Henry Buffingnock - Tue, 30 Jan 2018 07:33:47 EST ID:uUb+SnDs No.521855 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521755
I hope you stretch your stomach to take strain off your back? mybe get a lcrosse-ball and release some muscles if you sit a lot? shortened Hip flexors and stomach-muscles can cause pain in the lumbar region
>>
Barnaby Duckway - Wed, 14 Feb 2018 16:56:47 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522239 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1518645407800.jpg -(19484B / 19.03KB, 261x196) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
OP back.

Basically just been waiting for my appointments, the last week has been the hardest with the pain moving to my legs to the point i wasn't able to sleep for 3 days writhing.

Got a thrombosis appointment for today i've waited over a month for... Went to the hospital at 4am, spent all my funds on taxi rides cause i don't really have any support of getting anywhere, and the car i wanted to sell i crashed about two weeks back now, totalled because i had a jerk-reaction to my pain and ended up driving into a pole.

Everyday since, every single person i've told says the same thing: "Oh yeah, so your gonna get a car right?" "Oh i can help you get another one" "You don't want to be a bum."

Yeah... meanwhile i can't work and am broke, but either way i'm getting off topic.

Anyways, two days ago went to the emergency department for the i'm assuming 30 somethingith time and they did blood tests on me and my body isn't clotting and the clot they seen in my CT is likely just the contrast and imaging being wrong.

Funny thing, i'm in there pretty much crying for help, spent my last dimes on taxi rides (40$ there, 40$ back, hurray.) and cause it was 4am the doctor literally said 'Dude, i don't know what you want us to do for you. This is an emergency department, and i can't do anything, your legs aren't swelling, the blood tells me theirs no clot, as far as your pain i have no idea. It's not a clot, it doesn't seem like we have any idea whats wrong and i'm sorry it moved to your legs whatever it is but i don't think we can help you whatsoever in this department."

Gave me two double strength advil even although opiates don't even work for the pain and because i don't have any support, car, or really anything at all now of value... i have like $50,000 worth of music gear and i can't even sell a $10000 setup of it for $2000... gonna have to just give it away cause nobody buys high end music equipment for the dying genres of music.


I missed my appointment today, with 2 hrs of sleep after 4, 5 days up straight and micro-naps being the only sleep or rest, painlessness i can get i ended up becoming unconcious probably from delirium, passed out and ended up missing my appointment to the thrombosis clinic for a diagnosis that cost me pretty much all my money previously that turns out to just be them not knowing how to perform a CT scan.

Today, i woke up, cried and hallered and smashed my face into my wall so many times i'm really surprised i didn't break my nose. So i figure "Eh, well, i'll call them and try and explain myself and get another appointment.." "We take a two hour lunch break from 12 - 2PM please call again later."

So sad that all i can do is point and laugh almost maniacally sarcastically screaming at the top of my lungs that "This is just great."

You can have the main specialist at a hospital whisk you away to the emergency with a special appointment made, spend all the money you have, in so much pain you can't even drive day to day without crashing into a pole and go to the hospital 30, 40 times in two years, take a scope up every orifice, get WHOLE BODY SCANS that expose you to fucking radiation every 3 months cause they have NO FUCKING IDEA.

you spend 6 hrs talking to the head of the emergency department and that person doesn't even have an office they can book appointments, tell you they are going to, you have to call EVERY DEPARTMENT YOURSELF and realize your appointments get moved 3 weeks. Then it gets worse, nobody gives a single FUCK about you cause your not worth a fucking damn and you can't even sleep properly and you miss your appointment that your pretty sure is just bullshit, but are so broken down that any sliver of hope or just an explanation would be like jesus christ coming out of the fucking heavens.

Honestly, all my shit aside, TL;DR and whatever the fuck aside. Not sure what even keeps me from blasting my brains out. I honestly almost should just write down an account of events of every incompetent action any of these doctors have done by name and date, kill myself, and they can just pickup the pieces and lose their careers... Although thats a fantasy and if anything -- nothing would come of that either.

The panic, the pain, it really sucks man. All i want is just, it to stop. And being in this situation for this long -- It's like an internal war of finding such meaningless little things to focus on -- angles and possibilities. Deluding myself with a fantasy that anybody, anything could or would help me and at the same time fighting the reality that i'm a dysfunctional meat bag.

TBH i just wish i could treat people anywhere near this bad, have the power to make them devolve into something they don't even recognize. Just more fantasy of control or power so i could feel like i mattered even the slightest.

But i keep just.. Keeping on i guess. The tears burn man. The shit really sucks and i'm fighting something here i don't exactly think i even want to really overcome anymore.
>>
Barnaby Duckway - Wed, 14 Feb 2018 16:57:33 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522240 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1518645453800.gif -(1497903B / 1.43MB, 289x237) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
Things i legitimately am broken down enough to believe that might make me feel better but know they wont:
>Being a loathesome hermit
>Go on a murder rampage, which will just result in me being even sadder and i'de likely just off myself and feel really sorry for what i decided to do to people who don't really deserve it. Horrible to say, but i'm just being honest.
>Jump off a rooftop with the expressive purpose of disabling myself permanently so i have a diagnosis and don't go homeless cause they'll give me a meager couple hundred bucks a month. At this point, i'de trade all my interests, mind, thoughts and ability to walk or even talk for this to go away.

The Reality:
>Gonna call the office and try and get another appointment even although its useless and isn't a blood issue. I'm gonna go with a little sliver of hope in my soul for it to be crushed, spend more money i don't have, sell everything i have for nothing, wait another prolly 1 -2 months for another appointment, go to my pain clinic appointment that took over a year to get without a diagnosis and get chicken run around some more.
>Maybe they have some kind of nerve destroying agent they can inject me with, i'de rather not be able to feel anything than feel any of this. (Another fantasy.)

Really: I got an issue that cant be diagnosed and or nobody gives a shit because they don't relate to anything but their own shittyness. I'm gonna grow old alone, broke, and every hobby, passion and skill i have is going to go down the drain, it pretty much already has. They aren't gonna give me disability because no diagnosis.

I'm just gonna think "I coulda did things different." as the world keeps spinning with me as oblivious to it as a potato.

But, i'm just whining... Typing.. Think i'm not gonna post anymore or really talk about it with anybody anymore. I just want to sleep forever and cry. I don't think theres any words or advice anymore in the world that could make me feel any bit better about any of it.

I'm sorry i continue to waste your time. I feel sorry for myself that i even keep wasting mine. i'll just keep going to my therapist who can't remember what we talked about two weeks prior and he'll keep racking in $120 a session from the government. I guess atleast somebody is profiting, i find that actually pretty genuinely funny.

I like laughing. And all i can do is just sorta i guess, laugh some more. I just wish i wasn't my own joke and i also wish i was the only one seemingly laughing, cause obviously i did something so horrible that i deserve this in some twisted way and i hope somebody is laughing.

Everyday is just the same day. I can't describe it any better way. Every Single Day is the Same. but the worst is that this has all made me realize every single day even before was the same. I was just useful to people, valuable. They'd of thrown me away like trash just like this at any point in time.

Somebody could just throw themselves at me sexually at this point and i'de probably just tell them i'm going home cause the idea of moving my thighs back and forth makes me want to projectile vomit because i don't even want to go through that pain.

Guess i'm going with option 1... LOL. Well, have a good one QQ, thanks for... Well, whatever.
>>
Cedric Mankinserk - Wed, 14 Feb 2018 18:18:39 EST ID:COAX7aNZ No.522242 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522240
I wish I could do or say something helpful but I cannot. I'm dumbfounded. I think it's not that a lot of people don't care or but they just don't know what they can do. I mean most people don't care because you're just some dude. I think you understand that people can't relate. And they can't help. And then if you're just inconsolable misery what can they do except make themselves more miserable? I am not blaming you, this situation is mind blowingly fucked up,

Poor fucking show from your family though.

Does that make sense?

Anyway you tried going to journalists or someone? If you've got this log and list maybe someone wants to write about or publish it? Maybe they don't but you've got nothing to lose. A massive scandal might get you the help you need or at least hit the hospital where it cares. I mean I'm in a country with nationalised health care and they're underfunded and under staffed and over worked and this shit probably happens too. But not because they don't care but because they're unable to do better due to circumstance. Maybe this is an underfunded department or team or shit management. If you kill some hospital workers maybe the real villains will be fine. If you can hit them in the profits it'll definitely hurt the people who are to blame. And if it is staff level incompetence then they'll feel it too.
>>
Wesley Cankindale - Thu, 15 Feb 2018 01:36:59 EST ID:B/1t3ZFg No.522251 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522240
Your writing the script buddy and then you are building on that script. Like right now.

I've already told you how to deal with health issues i think. But with this script it's not very likely you would take advantage of that.
>>
Shitting Babblespear - Thu, 15 Feb 2018 10:34:16 EST ID:ROGlj1oY No.522264 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522239
or they can't do shit? traditional medicine can only go so far, i already suggested alternative medicine
or maybe youre a chronic hypochondriac
>>
Edward Drebbleshaw - Thu, 15 Feb 2018 19:50:02 EST ID:ZMDYtLUz No.522281 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522264
>I can't doctor away around this man's bowel issues, let me suggest bullshit Eastern """wisdom""" plants that make you go into seizure instead
>>
Jack Seddlenurk - Fri, 16 Feb 2018 02:24:09 EST ID:ROGlj1oY No.522288 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522281
>i'm going to continue paying absurd amounts of money for the same results and avoid non toxic non invasive procedures that actually work

stay broke
>>
Beatrice Crenkinnot - Fri, 16 Feb 2018 03:53:25 EST ID:B/1t3ZFg No.522291 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522288
thiz

From personal experience I can say that there are plants that are powerful af and work way way better than pharma and not only that but it just so happens that we have a plant for just about any issue imaginable here on earth. You are fools if you aren't taking advantage of that when you have ailments.

Sometimes I don't understand how people can be so lacking in common sense and basic understanding that they would prefer pharma over earth's bountiful flora which just so happens to be perfect for healing us.
>>
Emma Clodgelock - Wed, 21 Feb 2018 17:51:18 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522458 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1519253478748.gif -(854564B / 834.54KB, 250x192) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
OP Here, seems we are arguing over alternative medicine now?

A big reason i've been going Pharma and Hospitals is because Alternative practicies aren't covered in any shape or form, the pain clinic i've waited over a year to go to is essentially an Alternative Medicine practice for pain relief and nerve damage diagnosises.

Acupuncture, etc, etc, etc, etc, anti-inflammation.

But honestly, you guys are just arguing a crappy left ->right debate. And for the last year i've tried all kinds of crazy shit to help. I've tried cleanses of every kind and trend, various plants, indian and asian medical teas.

Believe me, i don't give a shit if its Pharma or w.e and i have no time or mental energy to open that can of crap.

>Journalists and Stories: I mean, good suggestion. But if it really takes that, i'de rather just suffer out of principle, and tbh i doubt would really do much and i already feel like people are profiting off my suffering.

Anyways, as far as how i've been for the last couple of weeks i finally a week later got a re-appointment for the clinic. Missing my initial appointment lead to an internal service denial, and they wanted to essentially ban me simply for missing one appointment.

Only reason i did get another appointment (2 month more wait) is because my GI doctor whom is referring had to argue with them. When i got a call back they literally said to me: Usually if you miss one without 48 hour notice we don't re-book because each booking costs over $3000 for a 1hr appointment at the thrombosis clinic.

I got a CT scan for the 15th of next month... for like the 4th, 5th time now and then go to my re-appointment to basically be told "IDK wtf is wrong with you, chart looks fine."

My therapist or atleast, this guy i've been seeing for the last few months to cope is one of the few people who take in people for a lower cost (It averages 200$ an hr, he's willing to take $130 subsidized from the gov. And thats just crisis counseling from a non M.D. An actual M.D is about 250 - 400$ an hour.)

We were supposed to setup a appointment last week, he totally missed it and pretty much everytime i've ever seen him has basically just been me crying on his shoulder and he doesn't really remember anything i say, can't remember what events or things we talked about the prior 2 weeks.

Got really tired of talking to a brick wall, some dude in his 30's with a family who means well but couldn't possibly really relate. Hilarious really, last week he talked me big into spending some $ on an oil diffuser. I mean, don't get me wrong, the oils i bought smell great. But wtf. This is just some fucking oils in the air, and it'd be more awesome if i come in you could maybe write what i'm saying down or something.

It's been like 3 weeks since i've seen him, not a message back for a re-book. Don't really care, maybe even slightly happier i'm gonna have one less thing to have to force myself awake for.
>>
Emma Clodgelock - Wed, 21 Feb 2018 17:52:40 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522459 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1519253560748.jpg -(13724B / 13.40KB, 225x225) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
I've been feeling alright tho, i get a little bit more "I don't give a fuck" every week or two that passes. I've been vaping more weed, been blasting the THC molecules out of some of my bud to make mostly CBD when i vape it. Been eating more, sort of a "It hurts either way, might aswell eat as much as i can."

I've been working more lately. I just go, i sit, i work, i shuffle my way home, i've completely stopped talking or complaining about anything with anyone i just work and hold my guts with my hands, when it gets too much and i start kicking at my desk i just straight up go outside and vape CBD until i calm down and i get my head out of focusing on how much it hurts.


But TBH i'm always every single day on the brink of just saying "I don't fucking care." My ability to enjoy anything has been ripped from me. My main hobby of music is pretty much going to forever be gone now, singing hurts i can't get low diaphram tones, holding a 10lb instrument hurts, i can't do anything now that doesn't either make money or brings me more pain.

I already tried going on tour once and forcing myself to enjoy it, i can enjoy getting paid nothing and experiencing an adventure, can't really experience anything with my hands over my guts most of the day.

Sorta sad mostly about that, also find it ironic because i spent 14 yrs working on some shit few people work on, gained skills people like to call "Talents" i realize now after the last year of living in constant turmoil and pain that the last 14 yrs have been a waste.

I was just an alcohol seller thinking he had a fancy french hat on with some "Art" lol no, no, no, no. Most of it is suffering for people who don't deserve it. You will spend literally 12 hrs every day for over a decade honing Skills that go unused, unappreciated and end up with you making little to no money unless you make it as unenjoyable for yourself as possible.

Also sorta happy tbh, being a touring musician is horrible. Most of my anger at people isn't cause the hospital, the people who are to save lives don't give a shit. I was hitting my head against a brick wall, expending every physical and mental resource i had for years, to haul 20k worth of gear to play shows for "Passionate" "Music Lovers" and make no$ after gas to the next town, get your work and yourself judged at every corner trying to keep something that is truly dead floating.

You like to think that that 1 out of a thousand people that night appreciated that extra accent you added to a line that took you 3 months to figure out, you like to think it's anything but for what it really is, entertainment for people who in the first place didn't want to know or care anything about it, they just go to a show or an event... Mostly because they don't spend 14 years getting dicked learning hard things that do nothing for them.

So you continue doing it for yourself, pretty much entirely alone in your own enjoyment. Every face and everybody is mostly just sniffing their own farts. I like to think it passion and determination that kept me going -- but i worked two jobs to afford an extra $600 rent for a tiny closet space i could put a drumkit in and worked 13hrs a day to practice another 6,7hrs tosleep to wake up the next day and rinse repeat.

And after all of this, all these places i've been, seen and all my time in music i wanted just people to think maybe for a second that there were more things in life than money, this or that. Really, they're all getting drunk and only will feel that way momentarily, the reality is you brought people to a place for a business to make $ in an industry where places open and close every other week.

And the patrons are as uninspired as sniffing glue in the back of a 7/11 cause they're even able to stand there and listen at this show cause they aren't busting their ass on skills, let alone skills that don't pay off in any immediate way.
You get treated like a turd, a turd with a mission for self destruction, end up 40 with some 3/10 partner with no house wondering why 20 years of touring didn't pay off.

Ranting, but my main saddening thing is when i'm out, when the pain goes away for a moment and i try and sing and i can't hold it half as long as i could before and when i reach 30% effort and i have all the air in the diaphram flowing out, the pain gets excruciating and i just yelp off key, wishing i didn't even try.

Then i'm frustrated, so i'll sit and practice vocals for three hours until i HIT that note, until i HIT IT and i DONT yelp. I hit it after three hours, my guts are hard as rock, the pain horrible, and i realize i couldn't hit that note or sing for an actual set to any standard of consistency if my life depended on it.

I pick up my bass, my guitar.... I wasn't gaining anything when i was well, sure, i can play whatever and anything anybody has ever written, play my songs, play some famous dudes songs, whatever really. But holding it, even sitting for more than 20 minutes and i gotta shift around cause my guts feel like concrete was poured into them.

So i'm left with; whats the point, not gonna tour even although i hate touring, nobody values any of this shit, nobody even values human life enough to help an individual cause there's so many fucking people. So i just let them sit there, reminders of all the things i could of done that would be easier, more helpful and probably would of maybe let me avoid whatever this is now.

God damn all these fuckers, my past partners... Those shitty, unknowing faces that stare back at you... "Play Wonderwall."

Strange place to be, Anger, Sadness, Resentment, Disappointment. But i'm still proud of all this time i spent, atleast i did something before life became being a sub-human for me. At the least i believed in something, and at least i believe enough in people not to be half as shitty as i've been treated in the last two years.

My worrying and anxiety have mostly as it always has for the last two years -- lessened and i find myself coming to peace with how everything turned out. Wish different things happened, don't really entirely regret the things i did i thought would turn into what i wish happened.
>>
Emma Clodgelock - Wed, 21 Feb 2018 17:56:53 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522460 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Hard facts i tell myself:
>I can die any second of any day, nobody is going to care in a direct way and that is O.K.
>Pain is just pain, if i run out of will there are enough human beings i can just take the easy way out and get replaced in a few seconds time. Don't give up because of the pain, give up because you don't have the will for it. (So i question my will a few times a day.)
>Most people are lazy, uncaring and only caring when their is a benefit or gain. Sympathy does me nothing, and i can't expect understanding unless the other person gains.
>People my age havent been foster fathers, they havent dated 40 year olds, they haven't been all across north america and most of them wouldn't know responsibility if it came and whacked them over the side of the head. Don't take offense when they offer you beers you can't drink, don't be offended when you try to express yourself to them and are met with misunderstanding.
>Other people aren't in my current situation and i should let them live as they are, even if its unfair. I am as worthless as any other. The things they can do, regardless of if they should or shouldn't isn't in my control.
>I've gotten so cold to how horrible it all is that when i tell new people what happened to me, i can't push them to open their eyes to the reality they could just as easily be in my shoes, i need to understand that nobody actually wants to do that -- even if there is benefit, because anything other than immediate benefit has only imaginary worth.
>When people do horrible things, i can only tell myself my own motto that "To destroy somebody is to allow them to continue to jump off the bridge themselves." Just cause i'm sick, doesn't mean people are any nicer, understanding, thoughtful or anything else for that matter and they act just as they did before i was sick. Me being sick, does not and will not ever change anything.
>Everything is going to be as O.K as it ever was. This sucks, but being alive and being awake to how real reality got. I sorta feel blessed, i already came from a life of nobody giving a shit. Now i'm just really living a life nobody could give a shit about.

That's all i got and where i'm at. IDK what this thread is really about anymore, tbh i just write what i'm feeling day to day. This process i like to think is like music where you reach a point your so invested it makes it feel like it's worth it.

Probably not, but its a nice wish hahaha.
My wish was always just to have a Tour Circuit that just paid me the equivelant of minimum wage with travel... LOL pretty funny in the greater aspect of things.
>>
William Crorrydock - Wed, 21 Feb 2018 18:59:50 EST ID:ROGlj1oY No.522461 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522460
jesus christ
you do realize your mindset is 100% correlated to your physical health? your whole body is fucked up with stress hormones and it manifests with digestive problems

it is psychosomatic af
>>
Augustus Povingville - Fri, 23 Feb 2018 02:46:10 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522479 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1519371970676.jpg -(13715B / 13.39KB, 256x192) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>522461

Seems like such a scapegoat answer to be honest. Definitely have contemplated that it's probably that.

And at this point, probably the most plausible cause i have no real other possibility that is showing up.

And i think about it' and it seems true to me. Negative emotions increase the symptoms massively, although it's hard to actually correlate that entirely.

I spent my childhood teminally ill, i'm a musician who lived the life and i've grown up in the most economically disparaged place in north america. My parents are horrendous, low IQ individuals whom abused me for much of my childhood, i got raped when i was 19 and my dad blamed me for it' Essentially because the purpotrator got away. Still to this day, i'm spoken of in the third person a good 99% of the time, i've chosen at this point to leave communications to a minimal.

Things as simple as talking about passions, interests and or just history from my music being different than the stuff you see on America's Got Talent so it deserves no praise, to just simple differences like me being analytical and interested in how something functions being useless information, nobody gives a damn that i'm interested that there's a difference between Shepherds Pie and Cottage Pie and nobody gives a single fuck that i do or don't know it and should just call every pie with potatoes a shepherds pie to avoid any confrontation with anybody ever.

Now i know that sounds pretty lame to even complain about, but it's been like that with me and my parents since i was as young as ever. Interests get shot down on site, apologies are never spoken. It doesn't matter that it's Shepherds Pie or my different understandings, it doesn't matter if i get raped, i was weak enough to get it' so i deserve it. Always even when i'm a foot away spoken to and of in the third person.

I've had horrible relationships from the get-go-out, i've been homeless a few times in the past. I've seen multiple people die on the road, much of my previous friends as it usually is in music... Die off, turn into betrayers or fizzle out year after year. Or now, mostly i see how selfish so many of them are.

I've tried a lot of things to get a hold of my mental health. I don't drink anymore, i don't do any drugs but for nicotine and weed. I do breathing techniques, i do just about everything i can to keep myself calm as panic attacks have become a real thing since this all began, i've actually gotten really good at handling them, didn't really have a choice.

I've seen a few different counselors in the past, followed good advice to "Find similar people" with mixed results considering one of the few people i was comfortable calling friend died of cancer two years after me knowing her.

I don't exactly meld with most people, i work in tech, i'm really analytical, i like understanding things, i like typing things, i like reading things. More information to me is never really daunting. It's sorta like my life, i sit here at 22. 23 in a short while' I've been a foster dad to two kids, taken care of responsibilities for 40 year olds before there was a 2 before my age, toured north america back and forth, know what it's like to stare at a ceiling and watch it turn yellow over 10 years. I figured out how to incorporate a business... I work with big and small businesses daily and to be frank it's horrifying at how little actually holds the market of the economy together.

I've seen shit, i've seen how people function based on just my own experience -- i realize that. But to really boil it down, i really do feel i've gone through some shit however you'de like to say it perhaps too early to properly handle, i'm really trying not to use the word special. But i've met a lot of people, i've been all over this continent and to me i'm really disgusted in myself through all of this because i feel like a victim.

And i don't like to believe in victims, in a way i believe a victim plays their part as true in some ways to the someone creating a victim, and i don't want to make myself out to be a victim. Well, anything but a victim of wrong place wrong time, but that's pretty much everybody.
>>
Augustus Povingville - Fri, 23 Feb 2018 02:49:21 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522480 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1519372161676.gif -(2070049B / 1.97MB, 350x165) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>522479

I had a bad childhood, boohoo, my parents don't get me, boohoo, i sat in bed for 10 years and had to relearn how to walk and i escaped cancer narrowly, boohoo. Oh music sucks and being a musician is about as bottom barrel as a door stopper? Well i'll just quit and do something else with my life. Oh, i'm stuck with these kids, i'll just make my way through to make sure i don't fuck em' up anymore.

Oh this person worth millions is living with rats.. Better help her, oh i love her, oh she loves me, NOEP. Boohoo. When shit gets bad, i usually just become more myself.
That's really how much sympathy i have for myself, i get that it's a hilarious cliche'd joke. But i tell people my story as freely as an open book mostly because i like to think there's some kind of will there in the story that would maybe bring some positivity to them.

But instead, they are usually horrified, incredibly sympathetic, uneasy and downright disgusted. It's a mix of responses, mostly from places of complete inability to understand.

I rant and rave again in a mumble it would seem here, but what i'm trying to get at to be honest is i wouldn't doubt, and at this point have to agree with you that it may just be mental manifesting itself physical. But the real question is; if it is that, what exactly would i do?

I don't run from my horrible life, i'm not gonna tell you the sugar coated shit. I've tried stabilizing drugs out of desperation, tried SSRI's and reuptake drugs of various forms. I've tried counseling whats within my means and live in a place where care is so expensive i'de be broke before i made any real progress with competent individuals. And even then, i feel like counseling isn't a big help to begin with because i don't really need an answer to WHY do i feel this shitty, i take a hard look around at how i've been treated, the life i've lived which was and wasn't my choice and i really think it's a byproduct.

Of a shitty world full of people too damned busy with themselves to take a bullet for somebody, too damned busy working their asses off for nothing, too damned dumb to use google or figure something out on their own and so god damned afraid to truly do the self-searching or sacrifices required to actually foster an environment where anything could or ever be fair. And i really truly believe that.
>>
Augustus Povingville - Fri, 23 Feb 2018 02:59:12 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522481 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1519372752676.gif -(272751B / 266.36KB, 256x200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>522480

But i have some positive things from what i've seen, things i wouldn't really trade for the world. I'm not afraid of death or an end, i'm compassionate with people to the point of self destruction if intentions even mean anything which i am constantly reinforced with the idea that they do not. I really believe if somebody wants to fix something, they can and if they don't within an area of themselves and their capability related (No other factors.) That they can enfact accomplish it, the only thing stopping an individual is themselves. "Talent" is not a thing, it's a concept, Skills are real.

I really believe people when they say they want to do something, i've been flat broke and i'll buy the dude i met on WoW through my guild a new computer halfway across the planet new computer parts because their GPU failed and their already eating rice and beans because their diabetes ate their fuckin' feet. Mostly because if i'm as worthless as everybody else seems to be, some people maybe deserve to be made to feel special, feel good. Maybe that makes us a little more worthwhile?

I really believe that intentions should matter more than the outcome most of the time. And its really like i feel like a baby sheep amongst a pack of wolves.

I like to think if everybody spent their first 10 years strapped to a bed bleeding from every limb that we'd be kinder, more compassionate. Probably not this stupid to produce so many people with such high standards of living that it cuts off the rest of the world from a sense of equality. But, that's just my opinion and viewpoint.

Am i negative? I guess so, but that idea of negative just seems so... Played out of fear. Not by truths. When i ask myself "Am i a negative person?" I'de have to say no, although i can see how somebody could think so, and i act in ways that definitely would tell you i'm not "Positive" but i really couldn't say i'm negative as a person, i'm negative about my environment, but me myself am pretty happy.

I'm a really different sorta dude. Call it whatever you want, but genuinely, i am so analytical i think there's no way i wouldn't be disappointed with the world and my environment. I can however, and have, found happiness solely and only through myself and the things i have and haven't decided to do. I'm proud of myself extremely, probably an unhealthy amount i admit, everything is "Do it 100%, or die trying because nobody is gonna give a shit unless you do it."

That's honestly a complex set of questions. At this point if it is just my mental health being so diminished my body is failing -- That would almost seem more unfixable than if it was Cancer or something physical. And there isn't any definitive "Well you got this" so it isn't a calming thought, although i've thought it alot.

If it is that, this isn't going to end anytime soon and i guess my only hope is to just wait and speak to the pain clinic people as that's what they deal with day in and day out in their evaluations... I can talk all damned day, i'm willing to face pretty much anything. But i am reminded constantly that no matter my achievments or what i think, if something is cool or not, interesting or not, what i want to do is second to what a majority of people want, thus is less worthy in every way.

I don't understand that at all, but i feel it. Say it is this, what exactly happens? I meet a shrink worth his weight? Who's paying for that? Where is that coming from? I just go on the infinite OPI train they want to put me on? What? that moves to Benzos ontop of the OPI train? If there's another option, who's gonna help me figure that out? Who is around to help me or guide me to the right decisions? Help me figure out anything about anything to deal with that?

I've spent the last year helping myself. And honestly, i can't. And i'm left to say: Well, if there's somebody who is practicing for that field and wants to make an awesome study who'll give me the resources and help i would need to go down that path in exchange for an awesome test subject and helping editor... I AM DOWN!

That's not how the world works tho'. I really wish it did! I like to think in some alternative timeline i was some rich asian chick who gets saved from herself by an idiot, i wish somebody sent me some god damned new computer parts. I wish my parents were fit to be parents. I wish, i wish, i wish. But that's just a fantasy and even my own opinions of being happy with myself, it's just a fantasy i've created.

Oh it'd be Great to get some "Karma Kickback" and i feel good because i don't do these selfless things for a kickback. But it never happens, and i'm a dickhead for even thinking thats a thing, or concept or even a little bit of me wishing for that. Yeah, i'm totally wrong and i'm an asshole -- you heard it here first! I'm also a Huge Faggot.

Things only matter when a group of people or multiple people actually agree and give a shit about something. And i can read every self-help book and philosophy book front to back a thousand times. Look at these walls of text i make! Look at this all, you don't even want to read this! I clearly, have A LOT of crap to say, i clearly LIKE to talk. and it FEELS GOOD to do this and express myself, i LIKED, LOVED, BREATHED music, but like anything, me ENJOYING something, something being extremely personally, financially and socially difficult does not mean it's worth anything to anybody else.

I can't focus or channel my inner happiness for it to be destroyed again and again, that is going to make me negative. And i can't exactly pursue anything any further physical or mental without an actual helping hand. At this point, every helping hand i could even call that at any point in my life -- has always honestly been me thinking they're a help, i help them so much for nothing in return, or they end up dying on me from old age, cancer or in general just end up too -- victims of their own self-destruction.
>>
Augustus Povingville - Fri, 23 Feb 2018 03:02:51 EST ID:RDJpW3uZ No.522482 Ignore Report Quick Reply
1519372971676.gif -(527733B / 515.36KB, 150x158) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
It's a lot like a old mythological story in nature. I like reading, i like typing, i like discussing things and i think the world could be beautiful. I can't say me myself am negative, i think on the contrary to say i'm negative... Really is a stark showing of how words have changed. I am not lifeless, constructiveless. I am not the opposite of "Positive" if anything, the qualities i lay out are the definition of Positive.

But, people as groups get to decide. And if my intentions are negative by their interpretation as a majority, then who am i to argue? If the world worked the way i wanted it to -- people would all be vulnerable to fuckery and probably end up like i'm feeling now. But i look around at all these things other people think are accomplishments, it makes me feel the absolute same thing. That this is negative, did you know your physical well being is linked directly to your mental well-being? did you know your mental well being is linked directly to your physical well being?

It's a two lane road, like pretty much everything we say or do -- it's a two lane road that goes both ways. Everything goes both ways. It is in my experience that things become immoral and damning as soon as you try to make it any other way.

Anyways, maybe you are onto something. Something to ponder for sure. But, clearly i ponder a lot.

In many ways, i guess me even writing is a lot like most things in my life. Clearer to me than glass, things and topics, mental roads that interest me. That a majority of people couldn't give a rats ass about and my intentions, even if it's that somebody else maybe who likes to read and write a lot knows they aren't entirely alone.

Or i want to express myself, or i just want to feel like i'm not alone. This all to me is a cry for help in a dark place and i'm open, ready to go and face whatever this is. Maybe i just want the pain to stop.

But the reality is i'm just writing -- probably to a uncaring, nicetoyourface audience. Just like i played music for uncaring people wanting some entertainment in a nostalgic way. I just made music man, i'm just writing man. This is just me. If not my words, if not my life and if not my interests and intentions...

What the fuck would i be?
Cause i'm pretty happy being who i am, i do however find this all rather disgusting of a place to be in and i honestly feel for everybody forced to endure it.

More ramblings and another wall to end all walls by the faggot OP. They wern't kidding when they told me i beat the districts word per minute typing record. Sorry i'm a faggot -- i just like being one, lol.
>>
Eugene Honeystone - Fri, 23 Feb 2018 12:30:10 EST ID:COAX7aNZ No.522483 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>522480
A lot of illnesses get a lot worse if you're negative. Depression has physical effects and they do not make you healthier or tougher, they do not encourage you to heal physically they do not bolster your immune system. They make you weaker. Some illnesses are particularly exacerbated by it too.

Its possible that the illness is hugely exacerbated by how badly you have taken everything which made you miserable which made you worse and so on.
>>
Barnaby Cellytudge - Sat, 24 Feb 2018 13:28:53 EST ID:r6wcYT/n No.522501 Ignore Report Quick Reply
try all meat diet
seriously join a group on fb called principia carnivora

main thing is to avoid carbs, histamine and salicylates,

i also have chronic disease, this is what has helped me, i recently tried the all meat diet and now i can eat whatever again. i duno man worth a shot, im pretty balls deep in health stuff but i just cant think wtf is going on with you
>>
Nigel Nickleshit - Sat, 24 Feb 2018 15:00:22 EST ID:cbaTdYwW No.522502 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>521585
Perhaps it was genes from inbred europe


Report Post
Reason
Note
Please be descriptive with report notes,
this helps staff resolve issues quicker.