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I can relate pretty well, except I've never had such high esteem for myself or my abilities such that my expectations of myself and my future in life are or were ever as high as yours. Not that that's a bad thing, I've just been a directionless floater in life since the beginning. I myself was much sharper when I was younger and things appeared as though a path for at least easy moderate success once I got out of school were already paved for me--all I had to do was actually follow it.
But, school and grades came so easily that I never really did homework half of the time or did it last minute the day it was due because test taking is something that's easy for me. In effect, my consistent lack of caring and effort in school, among other areas of life, for want of any need of those things or worry that I wouldn't wind up still out-performing an overwhelming majority of my peers (because there it was all an easily exploitable system that I played as if it were sport) sewed in me the seeds imminent failure once I entered a situation that required legitimate investment and application of real effort and dedication. And I don't mean to say that effort or dedication aren't things I'm capable of per se, it's just I had only ever applied myself or even learned to apply myself to things that were of interest to me. If it wasn't immediately gratifying, I simply wasn't capable of forcing myself to care or to do what was necessary.
So, despite being a relatively good and bright kid who was well behaved and right up in the top of my class, the moment I graduated high school everything came fuckin tumbling down like the fuckin End of Evangelion nigga. I enrolled in college and dropped out within 2 months. To pay off the debt and to save face with my parents I joined the Army. I wound up getting kicked out after 2 and a half years because I failed for cocaine in drug screening and left even deeper in debt than I went in. After that, drug addiction and being dysfunctional in society forced me to move back in with my parents. I wound up being unable to hold a job for more than 4 months, and then for nearly 2 years was unemployed, and for over a year of it I fuckin tried, believe me.
Fast forward to now, some 4 and a half years after getting out of the Army and still living with my parents, I'm just starting to get over drug addiction in at least some significant capacity, but after finally getting a night shift factory job about 6 months ago, I started smoking weed again despite not having done so since just before joining the Army. One night after leaving work I was driving sleepy and falling asleep at the wheel and wound up getting in a head on collision at 50 mph with a truck, and some how the woman driving it and I both wound up with nothing more than bruises and scratches. This was kind of the impetus for smoking weed again, actually, even though the crash never really affected me much. Then in march I got pulled over with weed on me and charged with possession. On top of that, here just a week or two ago I got arrested because I missed my court date because the officer that charged me said if I accepted the charges and got a hold of the prosecutor (which I did), showing up wasn't necessary. Well, missing that put a warrant out for my arrest, and my dumbass was driving home sleepy again and I had 2 xanax on me and had taken one about 4 hours prior at work, and so since I was swerving I got charged with fuckin OWI on top of another possession charge.
I'm actually about to go to court here in a few hours, as a matter of fact. Chances are I'll have a suspended license with no way to work despite finally getting a decent job, and I was literally going to move out here at the end of April but my bond cost me most of what I had saved up and without a ride to work any other place, my plans to finally stop being a pathetic leech off of my parents are totally shattered as well. On top of this, I'm the only one on either side of the family among my cousins or even aunts and uncles who has been to jail, faced this kind of legal trouble, is a drug addict, dropped out of college, and even got kicked out of the military.
I'm with you mang, I'm an absolute fuck up too, and the contrast this has with the rest of my family only makes that fact all the more poignant. It's one thing after another, and I don't seem able to help it even though at times I feel like I've actually somehow made some progress. Ultimately I'm still the useless piece of shit I've pretty much always been, even if that isn't for a lack of trying to turn around. The only thing that's got any real meaning for me right now is to stop this pathetic and embarrassing series of absolutely retarded mistakes I keep making so that at some point, my self-sufficiency aside, I at least don't make my parents' efforts to keep me from utterly failing even worse be for nothing. I don't really want to kill myself, but I certainly wish I'd just die or disappear a lot. Half the reason, I suspect, that I don't want to actually kill myself is because I'm not really deserving of such an easy way out of my problems--especially knowing that my problems for almost my entire adult life have also been my parents problems too. I'm tired of being a piece of shit, and the only way for me to somehow manage to become an even bigger one is to wind up killing myself when I've been such a fuckin burden all this time. I wouldn't be helping anybody by doing it other than maybe myself, and I'm not worthy of that kind of self-reprieve.