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Becoming an adult. Bad habits and Depression loops. by Isabella Bripperdock - Thu, 17 May 2018 10:42:05 EST ID:0xMsOGaw No.524124 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1526568125991.jpg -(284368B / 277.70KB, 1193x1200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 284368
Hey guys,
Been lurking here for a while and I often find myself coming back here when the going gets tough. Right now it's getting tough, so if anyone has any reflections, tough love or advice I'm open to it all, i guess this is a small cry for help. By societies standards, especially those of us from Generation X and especially from those good ol' Baby Boomers the idea of not being a mature adult until 24 years old seems pretty pathetic and, that's exactly how I'm feeling again, pretty weak, regretful, bitter, angry (at myself, and at other past circumstances, people etc)
I've been through the loop of depression and lapse and arguably the cycle of addiction and i've made a few comebacks. Got my head above water long enough to 'achieve' a few things which other have said "you can be proud of that". I've gone from totally unfit to visibly and functionally strong, ran a half marathon, surpassed my own expectations for weight lifting progress. In my work and personal life I've fulfilled some roles as a "helper" , worked and volunteered by supporting terminally ill elderly people and those with substance misuse problems. I have been relatively successful in remaining accountable for some of my close friends and acquaintances when they have been in need of support.I'm about to complete my degree in Criminology and Social Policy (with a focus on substance misuse interventions), with an albeit mediocre grade (the dreaded "Desmond" 2:2") but a few years ago this was a pipe-dream. I've had to re-learn some of my highschool/secondary grades to a get here. I retook my Mathematics final with a private tutor so i could meet entry requirements. Went from ungraded to a grade C after a lifetime of hatred/fear of numbers.
Last of my list of (arguable) achievements is what may seem pretty mundane but i've worked, I've worked for about 3-4 years of my life in various roles, and each one I have found very, very difficult in terms of being able to function and "show up" "be present" each day, every week, every month. I've been a carer, a cleaner, a salesman and somehow, despite being a complete piece of shit employee at times (especially in sales...) I have never been fired! It still amazes me.
And now, what brings me here is the fucking painful end of education and another journey out into the world of full-time employment. In my head I'm like "P-PLEASE hIrE mE" but I know that the world of work isn't exactly sympathetic to whatever bullshit is happening in our minds and in our personal circumstances. They will ask,
who are you? what are you? why should we value you? why should we respect you? we don't care if you feel like curling up and dying today...
No you can't leave and take a breathe, you can't be despondent, you can't have time off to work it out, your actions can't be excused by existential angst in a world of war, injustice, corruption, conflict, mental illness, societal pressures to be beautiful, invincible, ever present.
Nobody care's if you got bullied for 7 years...nobody cares if your childhood was fucked up...nobody cares if you feel crushed under expectations...nobody cares if your dog died...nobody cares if your friend died... J U S T DO Y O U R J O B
P A Y Y O U R B I L L S B E F I TB E S T R O N GB E T O G E T H E R M A N U P
It's these sorts of expectations that really scares me to the core of my being, and lately i've been dreading the future. Politically, financially, Health-wise and it's just got on top of me. The past two years I feel like i've slowly been reverting into old habits, and despite "picking myself up" for a few months here or there, things just...don't stick just like perhaps they did when I was a bit more sparkley-eyed when i was 17-19.
As a man who relies on testoserone prescriptions to retain masculine appearance, I have recently been denied access to my medication because of a (long story.) medical provisions mix-up which will likely be costly (hundred of £££), and just generally fucking with me mentally.I'm getting fatter, society hates that (haha ohh society...) and therefore I hate that because that's how shit works.I engage in reckless spending, just when i'm about to get financially stable i drop like 200 on some shit that maybe I could have waited to purchase.I binge eat like a mother fucker, and in secret so people arn't like "uh, dude, why did you just eat 5000 calories worth of chocolate without breathing??"I huff and puff more at physical tasks whereas I used to actually enjoy getting my sweat-on even if it was difficultI'm a time-waster, I'm struggling not to smoke weed (though it's been 5 days), or to drink alcohol, to get back in touch with someone to get me some xanax (extreme example but i do fantasize about** it.)My mentally ill parents are getting noticeably older and sadder, both hating their lives and stumbling through som**ehow. ***I can't help them, if i get too close to them it always, always knocks me down. They are loving but they are in an unhealthy, codependent and abusive relationship. it's just a bummer y'know***Oh and you know there's people dying all around the world and suffering everywhere and Trump and nobody actually really even knows how much money there is in the world, everyone's just making this shit up as we go along, plus we got the money to save lives and cure aids but ya know profit and all that. Wouldn't want to break the illusion that the economy is intrinsically linked to sustaining human life.
ITS JUST A WHOLE LOT OF STUFF YOU KNOW so I've spent pretty much the week so far in bed, eating shit, ruminating and internet lurking.
There's just too many bad habits, issues, urgent causes to attend to. I feel paralysed. And i know i should get up and do something, you know
why don't you try getting up and doing just 5 minutes of exercise and just see where that takes you!!!ORtake a walk outside and breathe in all that nature and sunshine, because you need endorphin's to be happyORwrite down all that unhelpful stuff onto a rock and then throw the rock into the sea and say bye bye to your problems
I really appreciate all the support I receive from people online and in my personal life, I really do, in fact, i'd probably try and give myself similar advice if I wasn't too f*cking busy being stuck being me right now (lol).
I don't know where to start, I don't know what's important anymore, I don't know how i'm going to survive, I take meds, so i've got that down, but i'm finding it so hard to pick myself up this time, i'm trying to kick habits but it's so hard.
That's all I wanted to say I'm just going to throw this out here on the internet. I really appreciate any comments, reflections, advice, anything. I'm desperate, and that sums it up. If you read all this, then I salute you!
>>
Betsy Hangerlare - Thu, 17 May 2018 12:52:00 EST ID:+Za00QQ9 No.524130 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>524124
The truth is that shit often sucks and you'll get shat on through no fault of your own. The only thing you can do is just make the best of it. Stopping exercising and eating a 2500 calorie surplus all week is not that.

A lot of us have been victims of things and people just assume we had it as easy as them and judge us or whatever. However while that's not fair and society SHOULD change that doesn't change the simple logical truth that you have to make the most of whatever. If life dumps on you you wipe yourself off, get in the shower and get out clean ASAP, sure your evening plans just went down the drain but it could be worse. You don't just sit down in the shit and complain about how unfair it is you smell for a week.

When you soldier on you are allowed to give yourself a pat on the back. Society may assume that as a young white man your life is always easy just because on average young white males have it easiest so you don't get credit, you're allowed some pride. Conversely when you fuck up don't beat yourself up, but take what you can away from it and do better. Sometimes even though its someone else's fault you could have avoided that situation or made it better GIVEN WHAT YOU ACTUALLY KNEW. Don't beat yourself up for having to guess, picking the 90% likely option and being wrong. In those situations damage control involves consoling yourself.

Also please use the enter key more. That hurt to read and I had to skim it. You're posting to drug addled people with mental issues. Many care but you're going to reduce the quantity and quality of advice you get that way.

Also I was 25 before I got my life into gear at all. You're doing better than I was.
>>
Ernest Noddletone - Thu, 17 May 2018 13:15:38 EST ID:f4WrE/L+ No.524134 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>524130
Yeaaaaah I'm sorry about the lack of coherence in this i actually posted this to circlejerk and copy/paste but was TOO LAZY to re format it. I guess the lack of replies = you get what you give.

Saying that though, thanks for responding, i appreciate it. It's so nice to get some perspective. I know rationally the answer is you just have to keep going. And i appreciate the life shitting on me/ shower analogy hah, makes a lot of sense. Even when I know this, different analogies help me really re-learn these things.

And that's a great point "when you soldier on you are allowed to give yourself a pat on the back" because being super hedonistic without actually doing anything to help myself is a way of rewarding myself for being a duvet dwelling pizza inhaling binge drinking self absorbed narcissist. Point taken on not being myself up though ahah a lot of people have mentioned that i'm hard on myself but it's verrry hard for me personally not to fall into self flagellation and go from super hard-working to super "fuck it" mode.

Thanks man, thanks for helping me out.


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