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>You need intimate relationships with others or your life will always be empty and unsatisfying.
Yes, I understand this. I am positive that the only reason I haven't taken my own life yet is the one or two friends from the internet I've had for years. I've had romantic relationships over the years but they never worked out. You know what though, it was always me who ended it, probably for very similar reasons as stated above regarding any type of human relationship.
>May I ask what your relationship with your parents was like growing up?
Sure. It was awful. Broken home, depressed and abusive parents. Mostly verbal torment, but I think physical violence was preferable to me because at least it didn't haunt me with fear for long periods of time. My only friends growing up were nonhuman beings. I felt I could understand and trust them. To this day I am a vegetarian and prefer the company of nonhumans to human beings, even though inside of me I have this strong desire to "believe in humankind." It's just, I find it so immensely difficult to see the good in people sometimes. The only thing my old man ever taught me was to trust nobody and carry a knife behind your back.
>I ask because the sort of fear of intimacy you describe is usually caused by childhood experiences of neglect, abuse, or abandonment
This isn't a revelation for me. You're absolutely right.
>If this is the case it might be helpful to see a therapist who is trained in helping people deal with such things.
I've tried so many times over the years. Psychs just try to medicate me, while psychologists seem to just act as a reflective 3rd party whose responses to my thoughts and feelings I've almost come to memorize by heart. Nearly 30 years of life on this planet, and I've seen so many of these people. Perhaps someone might suggest that I never "let" them help, or something of that nature, but I've tried their medication over and over, all different kinds, and it has ruined my body. Anti-depressants have sometimes helped with suicidal ideation but the consequences for my being just aren't worth it. When people say you become like a zombie on these things, they aren't kidding. Also I've tried their "suggestions" but I generally get nowhere. It's a difficult topic. I've come to distrust mental health workers more than anybody else, honestly.
>You do not have to be a slave to social norms in order to be intimate with other people.
Sure, but it's very difficult otherwise. "Oh, you don't have [popular social media platform]? okay..." It's almost as if people feel you are somehow "inhuman" if you are not jacked in to this system and are in a way suspicious of you.
>Still to this day I will form friendships only to pull away from any kind of close connection I form with anyone in fear that they will make me a scapegoat and the catalyst that dissolves the bond that holds whatever friend group I find together.
We are similar in many ways, despite our different pasts. We both distrust people and find it very difficult to maintain relationships. But may I ask, do you have any close friends now ? Anybody in whom you can confide and all that ?
> I subconsciously project this fear somehow outwards and often times attract people into my life that treat me just like my parents did growing up, like a piece of human filth who is always in the wrong about everything and is always to blame for anything that goes awry in their lives.
Here's where our experiences differ, though. I don't even let this happen and as I am terrified of it, being betrayed, abused, hurt, all over again, so I generally avoid making any real relationships. Even though, I'm definitely not a basement dwelling type shut-in (see OP), I still rely on the internet heavily for necessary connection with human beings, regardless of where I am in the world. The internet is safe, I can be anonymous, I can present an idealized form of "me" without the fear of others seeing me at my weakest, without feeling shame of being weak and useless. The information superhighway has carried me through all these years. It's the only real "home" I have ever known, a safe and warm place where I can come back to after all the shit in my life. Perhaps its silly but in such moments, I think of the theme song to Cheers. That's the feeling I get with the internet. "Wouldn't you like to get away" ; I get away physically from everything all the time, moving around the world, but no matter where I go, I come back to the internet at the end of the day where I'm just another human being among a sea of billions, with no gender, no imaginary ideas of race, ethnicity or nationality, just people. We are all free here to determine our relationships with each other based on the "selves" we project, and that is my safety blanket in a way. But fundamentally I've never had a place to go where everybody knows my name or is glad that I came, I've never had that experience and in many ways, I long for it. Well, I'm sure everybody does. I suppose this goes back to the fundamental human desire for lasting emotional connections stated by >>525461 which I have never had, yet I desire immensely.
>I've been in therapy for this and am slowly learning to open myself up but it's been a long road and I still tend to long to escape society and live off the grid to protect my sensitive demeanor.
I've run for a long time, always running to the point where the soles of my feet ache and I'm on the verge of collapse. But it's an escape to nowhere, nothing changes, my mind is still the same. You can't escape from your own mind and continue to remain self-aware.
>Medications don't really help, I have been on benzos and other drugs to try and trick my brain into allowing me to embrace the possibility of getting hurt by another human being in order to be rewarded with love and connection, but no chemical seems to be able to tear down the walls I've built to hide my scars in the hopes that they will eventually heal.
As I've said previously in this post, medications have been a terrible thing for me and haven't helped either. The only medication that has even remotely helped me was cannabis, but it never really fixed my problems. I'd say it just opened mental pathways to explore them in different ways in order to understand myself some more. I wrote a lot when I was high, and it did help a little, but as I'm always moving around, MJ is very difficult to find in some parts of the world, or even if it isn't, I feel the effort of trying to find it just isn't worth it. I suppose you could say that the walls can only be torn down by yourself somehow. This is the great task.
>I hope this post comforts you in some way, even if it's just the fact that there's someone roaming these boards who feels similarly to you about human connection and how their life has been unfolding.
Yes, thank you for sharing it. I really appreciate your thoughts, cybernaut.