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Wanderer by Martin Bunstone - Thu, 12 Jul 2018 06:49:53 EST ID:JgGHdDUl No.525444 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1531392593317.jpg -(38624B / 37.72KB, 1080x1920) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 38624
Hey all,

I don't know where to start but does anyone else ever feel like their life has no direction ? I'm about to go to Georgia (the country) from Armenia and my life so far has really just been wandering about, going from here to there. I'll stop and work for a little while doing some shitty job or another but then I just move on to somewhere else. I'm more or less "homeless" in the sense that I have no permanent place to call home but almost always I do manage to have a roof over my head. I guess you could say "it's not the destination but the journey" or something like that but I have nobody in my life, no friends, no family, nothing. Every interaction I have with others is so transient and I understand the nature of transience but really, I feel no joy or excitement by anything anymore. I've been here on this imageboard for what must be like 10 years or something now and it has always comforted me in its own little ways, and I'm so grateful for that but I just have no ideas or passion to do anything anymore. I'll never own a home, only have a useless BA degree and English language teaching qualification so sometimes it just feels like there is no way out of my perpetual wandering. Like many, I want to do something positive in the world that really creates some kind of genuine change but I just don't know what to do.

I'll reply when I reach Tbilisi but I hope everyone has a great day
>>
Archie Lightfoot - Thu, 12 Jul 2018 07:00:29 EST ID:yDKihQN5 No.525445 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>525444

Maybe do something more humanitarian. Plenty of Red Cross style organisations needing volunteers. If you really are doing fuck all maybe that will give your life something more wholesome and filled with meaning.

Alternatively begin working up for something a bit more permanent you could call yours. Like settle down in a place you like, find a partner you could love and begin doing that stuff. Build up a social life and work to play, rather work to have meaning.
>>
Esther Snodlock - Thu, 12 Jul 2018 20:05:12 EST ID:17QnMoqM No.525460 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>525445
>Maybe do something more humanitarian. Plenty of Red Cross style organisations needing volunteers. If you really are doing fuck all maybe that will give your life something more wholesome and filled with meaning.

I've done some research in regards to this kind of stuff and so much of it is "volunteer" holiday kind of stuff, and most often it requires you to actually pay to volunteer as crazy as it might sound. I'd love to do something like this but many of the *legitimate* humanitarian agencies require people to have skills that they can use which, going back to my OP, rules me out as my official qualifications are effectively useless for most things. I know many might ask why I didn't do a STEM degree or something, and this is a legitimate question but to answer it, I'll say just that I am not a very bright person, and I never did well enough in school to actually get into anything other than a BA. Going back to uni now is impossible as, for example, I've been away from the UK for too long (+3 years) and so I can't get student loans and saving to enter a British uni is next to impossible. I suppose you could say in many ways I'm a typical wanderer of the lost generation whose any hope is often so far away that it seems like a dream. But I'd love to volunteer. It just seems like the bureaucracy of everything even extends to wanting to help other human beings to the point that it's impossible.

>Alternatively begin working up for something a bit more permanent you could call yours. Like settle down in a place you like, find a partner you could love and begin doing that stuff. Build up a social life and work to play, rather work to have meaning.

I can't settle. It's a huge problem of mine, really. I get cold feet, or whatever the term is, and it's like I feel people are getting to know me too well, and it's terrifying for me. I like to be unknown, to be not figured out, to be elusive and transient to people so I can be me without people applying their own "ideas" of me. Also, all these things usually mean you have to surrender yourself to the system, sign up to social networks, post pictures of yourself existing, and so on, and I hate this stuff. I value freedom so highly that it terrifies me the idea of putting so much info about yourself online or allowing another to collect data about you and determine "who" you are. Even just thinking about this dystopian nightmare makes me want to run even further into places which have not been "fully integrated" into the global system, to get entirely off the grid, to escape into lawlessness or something.

Thanks for the reply :-)
>>
Eugene Pendersane - Thu, 12 Jul 2018 21:04:41 EST ID:ehhnNOgT No.525461 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>I get cold feet, or whatever the term is, and it's like I feel people are getting to know me too well, and it's terrifying for me. I like to be unknown, to be not figured out, to be elusive and transient to people so I can be me without people applying their own "ideas" of me.

You need to start thinking of this as a problem instead of trying to find excuses for why this is okay. This is why you are unhappy. You need intimate relationships with others or your life will always be empty and unsatisfying.

May I ask what your relationship with your parents was like growing up? Were they warm and affectionate? Did they praise you often and naturally? Did they spend lots of time with you and help you deal with your emotions and form an intimate bond with you?

I ask because the sort of fear of intimacy you describe is usually caused by childhood experiences of neglect, abuse, or abandonment. If this is the case it might be helpful to see a therapist who is trained in helping people deal with such things. You cannot remain afraid of intimacy your entire life unless you want to remain unhappy your entire life. Your desire to "not surrender to the system" stinks of a rationalization for your choice to live in isolation. You do not have to be a slave to social norms in order to be intimate with other people.
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Eliza Tootwill - Thu, 12 Jul 2018 23:28:46 EST ID:+gORVh+u No.525467 Ignore Report Quick Reply
My relationships with others mirror yours very closely. Growing up with an attention whoring older sibling robbed me of any affection or praise from my parents. In some respects I have compassion for this sibling because he used to have an addiction to MJ that supposedly unleashed his psychosis and he was put on a slew of meds in his teens that has left him zombified and with a pre-school intellect; he used to be a bright kid but is now almost special needs, whether the meds or the illness contributed most I don't know, but the way he sucked up all the compassion and attention from my parents broke my bond to him and dehumanized him in my eyes.

I was blamed for causing his schizophrenia to manifest even though he was the older sibling and introduced me to MJ. I remember him stealing money from me when I had a paper route and I got blamed for not hiding my money in a safe place where he couldn't find it. When he burnt down my parents vehicle my Dad blamed me for slipping him drugs that made his psychosis worsen. When he came after me Mom with a knife it was because she had attended my graduation ceremony and wasn't around when he ran out of cigarettes so it was my fault he was withdrawing. Basically I was made the black sheep of the family and was responsible for my parents mistakes and my brothers psychosis.

Every frustration caused by my brother and the toxic environment in my family home growing up was blamed on me. This left a deep seething hatred in me for those closest to me and re-wired my brain to not trust or embrace any kind of human connection. Still to this day I will form friendships only to pull away from any kind of close connection I form with anyone in fear that they will make me a scapegoat and the catalyst that dissolves the bond that holds whatever friend group I find together. I subconsciously project this fear somehow outwards and often times attract people into my life that treat me just like my parents did growing up, like a piece of human filth who is always in the wrong about everything and is always to blame for anything that goes awry in their lives. When I do attract good people into my life I will distance myself from them as soon as they start wanting to know personal things about me or I will purposefully remain at an emotional distance to save myself from the painful possibility that their affection is a ploy to open me up only to stab me in the back.

I've been in therapy for this and am slowly learning to open myself up but it's been a long road and I still tend to long to escape society and live off the grid to protect my sensitive demeanor. Medications don't really help, I have been on benzos and other drugs to try and trick my brain into allowing me to embrace the possibility of getting hurt by another human being in order to be rewarded with love and connection, but no chemical seems to be able to tear down the walls I've built to hide my scars in the hopes that they will eventually heal. I'm contemplating MDMA assisted therapy with a willing psychologist to hopefully open my heart up to healthy human connections. Also hypnosis and meditation and spiritual practices in general seem to be slowly re-wiring my mind to accept the idea that to connect with others I must accept the possibility of being hurt and allow myself to become vulnerable around others in order to tear down the wall I've built.

I hope this post comforts you in some way, even if it's just the fact that there's someone roaming these boards who feels similarly to you about human connection and how their life has been unfolding.
>>
Esther Snodlock - Fri, 13 Jul 2018 03:53:43 EST ID:17QnMoqM No.525469 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>525461
>You need intimate relationships with others or your life will always be empty and unsatisfying.

Yes, I understand this. I am positive that the only reason I haven't taken my own life yet is the one or two friends from the internet I've had for years. I've had romantic relationships over the years but they never worked out. You know what though, it was always me who ended it, probably for very similar reasons as stated above regarding any type of human relationship.

>May I ask what your relationship with your parents was like growing up?

Sure. It was awful. Broken home, depressed and abusive parents. Mostly verbal torment, but I think physical violence was preferable to me because at least it didn't haunt me with fear for long periods of time. My only friends growing up were nonhuman beings. I felt I could understand and trust them. To this day I am a vegetarian and prefer the company of nonhumans to human beings, even though inside of me I have this strong desire to "believe in humankind." It's just, I find it so immensely difficult to see the good in people sometimes. The only thing my old man ever taught me was to trust nobody and carry a knife behind your back.

>I ask because the sort of fear of intimacy you describe is usually caused by childhood experiences of neglect, abuse, or abandonment

This isn't a revelation for me. You're absolutely right.

>If this is the case it might be helpful to see a therapist who is trained in helping people deal with such things.

I've tried so many times over the years. Psychs just try to medicate me, while psychologists seem to just act as a reflective 3rd party whose responses to my thoughts and feelings I've almost come to memorize by heart. Nearly 30 years of life on this planet, and I've seen so many of these people. Perhaps someone might suggest that I never "let" them help, or something of that nature, but I've tried their medication over and over, all different kinds, and it has ruined my body. Anti-depressants have sometimes helped with suicidal ideation but the consequences for my being just aren't worth it. When people say you become like a zombie on these things, they aren't kidding. Also I've tried their "suggestions" but I generally get nowhere. It's a difficult topic. I've come to distrust mental health workers more than anybody else, honestly.

>You do not have to be a slave to social norms in order to be intimate with other people.

Sure, but it's very difficult otherwise. "Oh, you don't have [popular social media platform]? okay..." It's almost as if people feel you are somehow "inhuman" if you are not jacked in to this system and are in a way suspicious of you.

>>525467
>Still to this day I will form friendships only to pull away from any kind of close connection I form with anyone in fear that they will make me a scapegoat and the catalyst that dissolves the bond that holds whatever friend group I find together.

We are similar in many ways, despite our different pasts. We both distrust people and find it very difficult to maintain relationships. But may I ask, do you have any close friends now ? Anybody in whom you can confide and all that ?

> I subconsciously project this fear somehow outwards and often times attract people into my life that treat me just like my parents did growing up, like a piece of human filth who is always in the wrong about everything and is always to blame for anything that goes awry in their lives.

Here's where our experiences differ, though. I don't even let this happen and as I am terrified of it, being betrayed, abused, hurt, all over again, so I generally avoid making any real relationships. Even though, I'm definitely not a basement dwelling type shut-in (see OP), I still rely on the internet heavily for necessary connection with human beings, regardless of where I am in the world. The internet is safe, I can be anonymous, I can present an idealized form of "me" without the fear of others seeing me at my weakest, without feeling shame of being weak and useless. The information superhighway has carried me through all these years. It's the only real "home" I have ever known, a safe and warm place where I can come back to after all the shit in my life. Perhaps its silly but in such moments, I think of the theme song to Cheers. That's the feeling I get with the internet. "Wouldn't you like to get away" ; I get away physically from everything all the time, moving around the world, but no matter where I go, I come back to the internet at the end of the day where I'm just another human being among a sea of billions, with no gender, no imaginary ideas of race, ethnicity or nationality, just people. We are all free here to determine our relationships with each other based on the "selves" we project, and that is my safety blanket in a way. But fundamentally I've never had a place to go where everybody knows my name or is glad that I came, I've never had that experience and in many ways, I long for it. Well, I'm sure everybody does. I suppose this goes back to the fundamental human desire for lasting emotional connections stated by >>525461 which I have never had, yet I desire immensely.

>I've been in therapy for this and am slowly learning to open myself up but it's been a long road and I still tend to long to escape society and live off the grid to protect my sensitive demeanor.

I've run for a long time, always running to the point where the soles of my feet ache and I'm on the verge of collapse. But it's an escape to nowhere, nothing changes, my mind is still the same. You can't escape from your own mind and continue to remain self-aware.

>Medications don't really help, I have been on benzos and other drugs to try and trick my brain into allowing me to embrace the possibility of getting hurt by another human being in order to be rewarded with love and connection, but no chemical seems to be able to tear down the walls I've built to hide my scars in the hopes that they will eventually heal.

As I've said previously in this post, medications have been a terrible thing for me and haven't helped either. The only medication that has even remotely helped me was cannabis, but it never really fixed my problems. I'd say it just opened mental pathways to explore them in different ways in order to understand myself some more. I wrote a lot when I was high, and it did help a little, but as I'm always moving around, MJ is very difficult to find in some parts of the world, or even if it isn't, I feel the effort of trying to find it just isn't worth it. I suppose you could say that the walls can only be torn down by yourself somehow. This is the great task.

>I hope this post comforts you in some way, even if it's just the fact that there's someone roaming these boards who feels similarly to you about human connection and how their life has been unfolding.

Yes, thank you for sharing it. I really appreciate your thoughts, cybernaut.
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Eugene Pendersane - Fri, 13 Jul 2018 15:00:16 EST ID:ehhnNOgT No.525480 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>525469
Idk what to tell you but you seem like a smart guy with your heart in the right place and I think that if you can just keep going you'll figure it out eventually. Someone may come along and fight through your defenses one day or maybe you will take on a job that gives you purpose that will be strong enough to overcome your desire to roam and you will get friends without even realizing it. Friendship is mostly just about spending lots of time with people, they don't even have to like you, as long as you share enough experiences together the bond will form. You never know what life has in store for you, so you should always have hope.

Your experiences will change you even if that change is so slow you don't think it's happening at all. Even if you think things are going downhill and have been for months or even years, life is long so this could be but a small blip in a pattern that could reverse trend through some turn of fate and continue upwards to lofty heights later in life. Repeated failures are the only way to move forward, so don't be discouraged when you encounter a setback or give in to your fears because an attempt in and of itself is something to feel proud and happy about. I have faith that someday you will learn to be comfortable with intimacy and will be happy living in harmony with your friends and loved ones.
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Caroline Hedgelirk - Sat, 14 Jul 2018 05:22:09 EST ID:17QnMoqM No.525501 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>525480
Just keep going; I guess I have no other choice, do I ? I can't settle down anywhere because I just never have the means or will to do it.

>Friendship is mostly just about spending lots of time with people, they don't even have to like you, as long as you share enough experiences together the bond will form. You never know what life has in store for you, so you should always have hope.

Yes, my problem is just that I never stay in one place for long enough to develop genuine relationships. And even if I do, the anxiety and trembling that arises from people starting to "figure me out" pushes me to depart for somewhere else where I begin something new.

>You never know what life has in store for you, so you should always have hope.

I carry hope with me wherever I go, but sometimes in darker moments I forget that it was ever there and spiral into an abyss of despair. It is always there though, and it always seems to return to me.

>Your experiences will change you even if that change is so slow you don't think it's happening at all. Even if you think things are going downhill and have been for months or even years, life is long so this could be but a small blip in a pattern that could reverse trend through some turn of fate and continue upwards to lofty heights later in life.

I suppose this is all part of hope, optimism, aspiration for some kind of happiness, light at the end of the tunnel. Almost thirty years of a profound sadness and I still try to see it, to hold onto it, you know ?

>I have faith that someday you will learn to be comfortable with intimacy and will be happy living in harmony with your friends and loved ones.

Thank you. I really appreciate your kind words.


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