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Week 4 (3?): Kids – The Frights / Marry Me Archie – Alvvays
Well, I missed last week. Was out of town this weekend, and then homework. I know these don’t seem like they take long to right, and honestly, they don’t, but they’re torture to write if I have no desire to write them at that time. Anyway. My Cowboys got our Dak worked up, and we sprayed points all over the Bay Area, and they kept cheering us on. The Chiefs got BLACKED AND GOLD. ODB is getting his balls tickled anymore and he’s upset LEL. The Raiders keeping doing it man. Rex used the power of the foot to lick the Patriots. The Colts ultraLEL. Buccaneers continue to play meaningless football games in the most dangerous stadium in the country. Brady incoming. The Cardinals and 49ers are boring everyone to death. Without knowing any matchups or who’s playing. I’m picking the Chargers, Patriots, Raiders, Detroit, Cowboys, Packers, and an upset, the Jets. Listen to The Frights and Alvvays tunes in the header links. Great bands.
>Your Divine Empress Hillary (3-1)
>Peppermint Butler (3-1)
>NEETS in Space (3-1)
>Peligro Abejas (3-1)
>Smackdown Spoilers (3-1)
>King of Demons (2-2)
>The Team (2-2)
>August 1st Warnings (2-2)
>PISS MAN (1-3)
>The Lynch Mob (1-3)
>Suck It (1-3)
>New Day (0-4)
AROUND THE LEAGUE
>Rumors are swirling around that League Manager, Y2YAY, has been in heavy talks with multiple investors about a potential buyout of the WFFL. It was first revealed that musician Stephen Malkmus was in talks to purchase the league, since he is a big fan of internet based social sports populated by wrestling fans. He revealed that he was in talks early this week, but felt “that this things not gonna get done. The guy can’t even write an update on a weekly basis.” Harsh words from a legend who stuck around 20 years too late.
>Another potential buyer was the /tinfoil/ board over at 420chan. They believe that the league will bring increased traffic to the board, which is filled with cooks and nutobs talking about ghosts and weed dreams. Y2YAY is known for his anti-drug policy in the league, so it wouldn’t make much sense to sell to this board. “The Sport board isn’t filled with Mary Jane fans. The six people who talk on that board are just usually angry about their teams or talking about where to find a soccer stream.” He had to go back to doing “homework” or “stuff” while sleeping in his hammock inside his high rise apartment.
>After the rivalry game this week, it was decided that Smackdown Spoilers had earned the jacket, regardless of whether or not it belonged to NC2Y in the first place. NC2Y could not be reached for comment, as he had to deal with a former business associate who refused to acknowledge NC2Y’s donation at a charity event.
>The King of Demons was back at work on his wooden throne. He was clearly having trouble with it, so we offered a helping hand, but he said that “peasants don’t speak to a King out of turn.” He then went back to sanding down the arm rest. He cursed under his breath and walked inside. He sat in his nice recliner.
>The New Day would like to be known as “Dollar Bills” for the foreseeable future. It would seem that he really does have a Hollywood money man backing his team this year, as he lined the offices with spiffy business cards with his new nickname. They read as follows “Dollar Bills: My Actions Are Golden, and My Words are Law.”
>Sabu walked out of the hospital with a mild concussion this week. Sadly, he slipped on a cigarette butt in the parking lot, and is back in room 1216. You can send well wishes there.
>The Team is red hot. He has no idea why he is put in a feud with someone he has no past with. “I ain’t got no respect for The Lynch Mob. And that’s not me starting something, that’s fact. I don’t care who this person is. I have no reason to know them. I deserve an actual feud with someone who will elevate me. I’m Big Team. You can Bo-Lieve that.
>We got an official interview with Team Suck It this week. We asked him about his slow start this season, and if he thinks it has anything to do with his performance last year. “I got two words for you…” He hung up, but we’re guessing he was gonna say “Fuck You.”
>The Minty Fresh Breath Boy is riding high on his continued success this season. He was seen outside a Long John Silver’s eating a fish platter. When asked how he felt, he remarked “I found this three piece half eaten in the garbage, and it was face up with no other trash around it, so…yeah, I’m feeling pretty fucking great.
>Welcome Back To Another Installment of “A NEET at the Movies.” This week I saw Richard Linlater’s seminal indie, Slackers. So he killed that girl in the apartment, right? 7.5 outta 10.
>We caught up with The Lynch Mob this week and asked about the upcoming matchup with The Team, and whether or not his comments affected their preparation. “I don’t think so. For someone like The Team to say that, just shows you how small and weak they are. I’m not the one who got suspended for using mock drafts or listening to Fantasy Football podcasts. I do things the correct way.”
>Peligro Abejas spent the past weekend helping out at a soup kitchen, and when informed of his record, he said “I’m just glad everyone is having fun. I wish everyone could get a victory for all their hard work.” What a good dude.
>”August 1st Warnings: 2-2. This Week.”
>The PISS Man was seen buying a Trump hat this weekend from a local gas station. When we asked if he was voting for Trump, PISS Man looked at us and pinned a “Hillary 2016” button to the hat. “I don’t pick losers. The PISS Man always wins, no matter who’s writing the checks.”
>[GAME OF THE WEEK]Your Divine Empress Hillary vs Peligro Abejas – Your Divine Empress will Win.
>Sabu vs August 1st Warnings – August 1st is ticking upwards, while Sabu remains in an up and down season. August 1st has depth, which we think gives him the win this week.
>The PISS Man vs New Day – We hate to see a team fall to 0-5, but we don’t a lot of the match-up’s for New Day’s players. PISS Man will win this week. Sorry Francis.
>King of Demons vs NEETS in Space – We think Carr will do work against San Diego, but NEETS has Hoyer vs Indy, Murray vs Miami, and Sproles vs Detroit. We pick NEETS to go 4-1, but this one could go either way. It’ll be close.
>[RIVALRY GAME] The Team vs The Lynch Mob – The Team has taken a nice lead, but two of his players have already played, and only one of them scored. We don’t pick winners in Rivalry Games, but Mob will have a tough time this week.
>Smackdown Spoilers Tribute vs Team Suck It – A 32 Point lead with one player. Smackdown Spoilers Tribute will win. Suck It will fall to 1-4.
>NC2Y’s Fire vs Peppermint Butler – We think they’re running backs and receivers are even, so it comes down to QBs. Stafford has been good, but Luck will pick apart Chicago. We’re picking NC2Y.
That’s it. We’ll see if there is one next week. Thanks for reading.