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GUINAN'S HEADCANON GENERAL by Guinan - Thu, 12 Jan 2017 00:45:40 EST ID:RHNGWoY0 No.57642 Ignore Report Quick Reply
File: 1484199940540.gif -(262018B / 255.88KB, 320x240) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. 262018
Hi there. This is Guinan. I spend a lot of time listening to people talk about all kinds of shit, and also I make some pretty great drinks. But today, and hopefully every day until I get sick of it, I'm going to do something else.

First off, I'd like to explain. When I think about what really makes this place special is that the way memes blossom is in headcanons. I've been listening and over my years here I've heard some interesting headcanon, I'd like to share some. For many, these headcanon(s) will be familiar, mostly

For those who have not yet trekk'd all of the Star trek there is to Trek beware, for spoilers abound:

1In Star Trek Generations, Picard enters the Nexus. We are made to think that he leaves, but as I imply in my (Guinan's) dialog in the movie, no one really leaves the Nexus.. that is of course how I get (at least some) of my temporal powers which helped in episodes such as Yesterday's Enterprise. The truth is that any thought of leaving the Nexus could lead to a complex hallucinatory fantasy of leaving it, only coming to realize it was all an illusion.

Therefore all the TNG movies are hallucinations in the edge of reality in the planes of existence where man becomes Q and action picard was just jean luc's way of coping with the death of his family line now that his brother and nephew were dead and he was without child

2Unless Wesley was actually Picard's bastard child and he 'accidentally' put Beverly's be-stallion'd husband into harm's way to get rid of him

3Also in regards to the Nexus, someone in another thread once revealed to me the most glorious of truths, that Kirk's exploits against 'God' in Star Trek V at the center of the galaxy were actually a nexus fantasy

4Whenever there's a captain's log entry that's only a voiceover while the ship flies past the camera, the captain is actually taking a shit, that's why they changed it from the more formal 'blog' that had been used for several centuries to the archaic word-form 'log', as an immature joke allowed due to its history in earthen naval tradition

5Data and Lore were switched during the episode Datalore. At the end Data uses a contraction; earlier in the episode, Lore reveals he can use contractions whereas Data 'cannot'.

This is why 'Data" was able to lie to Riker in 'All the Best Toys' and why he was also able to attempt to kill that douchey collector guy, when we see 'Lore" again, he's been floating in space a few years and then gets picked up the crew of the Mondor. Yes, Pakleds. The crafty retards that look for things to make them go. Naturally after all this time, the original Data goes mad, while the original Lore is able to settle into Data's life in such a way that he's able to commit to turning over a new leaf. Meanwhile OG Data goes apeshit and dreams of a hypertechnocyberpunk future in a Borg/Android alliance


V'ger's machine planet is the race that became the Borg after their encounter with the Voyager probe rocked their worldview, forcing them to realize they were artificially created autonomatons.. they had always believed themselves to be a product of evolution... they began to assimilate organic races in a desperate search for their creator.

All of Star Trek Enterprise is a holonovel modified by Riker to be more exciting. He only uses this program when he doesn't feel like having sex with something and he plays as the chef, which is why you never really see him until the last episode. The characters in ENT and some of the events were a historical part of 'Trek, but probably the whole Xindi thing came right outta Riker's ass

While we're on the matter of headcanon I've always thought of a few other things as well: any movie with Whoopi Goldberg in it is actually (technically) a part of the Star Trek universe because Guinan was on earth in the 1880's and may have stayed for centuries.. she isn't seen again until Generations, and when that happens she's near Earth. If Guinan is in the new series, the math doesn't make sense for her to have been able to travel back to Delta quadrant, she musta met up with that refugee ship or something. Therefore any movie with Whoopi Goldberg in it is actually Guinan in disguise as long as it takes place between 1880-2276

Finally, I'd like you all to add any common, uncommon, or previously unspoken headcanon here in this thread for all the soon to be coming newfags so that they may conform to our ways
>>
William T Riker - Thu, 12 Jan 2017 10:12:37 EST ID:KikjBBjU No.57644 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>All of Star Trek Enterprise is a holonovel modified by Riker to be more exciting.

Then he sucks at modding holonovels.
>>
Weyoun 4 - Thu, 12 Jan 2017 10:45:12 EST ID:dV0i2NZn No.57645 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57642

  1. Yes.

2. Yeah.

3. That was me. Really.

4. haha

5. I dig this. I also heard once that Lore floated in space for 50000 years, then went back in time when able, and became data, or lore, or b4.

6. Historical fiction holonovels make a lot of sense. My dad is super into WWII crap, sometimes with extra bad guys, like the Peruvians or something.

7. Jumpin Jack Flash and Burglar are now Star Trek films. Got it.


Additions:

France was destroyed in WWIII, the France/Paris we see is a complete re-creation.

Picard is speaking French the whole time, we hear the UT.

Paris and Locarno are the same dude.

Reed and Mayweather are secret lovers (thanks 1701)

Valeris was fucking Kirk and Spock. Think about it.
>>
Helena Rozhenko - Thu, 12 Jan 2017 12:39:43 EST ID:UKKS3Tki No.57646 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Most people don't buy this one but Spot has died at least once. Spot was a male initially but had kittens later. Maybe that cat died in an accident, maybe it was a of Mice and Men type affair. Maybe O'Brien teleported one or more Spot's into space. Regardless the original cat died. Data doesn't feel emotions and so to fill the gap left by the loss of someone familiar he simply replace the dead cat(s).

Harry Kim gets promoted to Lieutenant Commander on arrival back to earth. Or at least fast tracked through all the box checking he needs to do to get to Commander. Tom Paris remains Lt JG until he dies.

Someone else's explanation: "But Humans are Doc Brown". I have a feeling it's tumblr but it makes perfect sense. You can google various reposts of it. We have REMOVE HASPERAT and they have that. But yeah that one's a good one.


>>57642
I don't believe the holonovel one for a lot of reasons. I know you said "when he doesn't want to have sex" but that's like "when he doesn't breathe" with Riker. If Riker was doing it, he'd have fucked EVERYONE twice. Even Reed would be cheerier. Then again while Riker has many talents, he's a mediocre musician and I suspect not much of a writer. He doesn't image, he does. So maybe his holonovels just suck. I think this one has quite a few flaws but also quite a few very strong points.

However the captain's log one is amazing and that is now how I will interpret such scenes in every instance in future. Thanks based Guinan.
>>
Lt. JG Ayala - Thu, 12 Jan 2017 17:29:40 EST ID:OikXj97p No.57647 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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I always do wonder when the captains make their supplemental entries. especially during times when the ship is under attack or something. Doing it while they're taking a piss makes the most sense. Except for Data.

...Does Data even know what a bathroom is?
>>
Lysia Arlin - Fri, 13 Jan 2017 00:41:56 EST ID:NUbxvEoE No.57649 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57646
>Most people don't buy this one but Spot has died at least once
I always assumed there were multiple Spots not only because the first Spot was a completely different type of cat than the orange tabby he/she usually was. I mean I think the joke is that there were a lot of Spots due to experimentation and/or retard strength.
>>
Ishka Moogie - Fri, 13 Jan 2017 13:49:17 EST ID:n8McU5oH No.57654 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57649
Spot's a timelord, duh.
>>
Guinan - Sat, 14 Jan 2017 23:47:39 EST ID:RHNGWoY0 No.57661 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>57645
>France was destroyed in WWIII, the France/Paris we see is a complete re-creation.
This is a great explanation for Jean Luc Picard's apparent cultural mismatch

>Picard is speaking French the whole time, we hear the UT.
This is another competing great explanation for Jean Luc Picard's apparent cultural mismatch

>Paris and Locarno are the same dude.
This is like the most essential of all headcanon I don't know how I forgot to include it, thank you!

There's also a darker version where you listen carefully to Paris' backstory & realize that he killed all the other members of his squad in a flight accident, not one. That means that the Nick Locarno mismatch was a Picard Nexus fantasy existing only to hide his grief of seeing Wesley and all the other members of that flight squad die in Starfleet Academy. The Nemesis wedding scene and the episode where Wesley goes off with the Traveler to explore time, space, and homosexuality seem at first very mismatched, until you realize that these too must have been the result of Picard's dreamlike Nexus trance, these were only fantasy.

>Reed and Mayweather are secret lovers
Makes a lot of sense tbh fam.. maybe they were planning a season 5 reveal

>Valeris was fucking Kirk and Spock. Think about it.
This made me lose my shit.. I think I might never see that movie the same way again

>>57646
>>57649
>>57654
>Most people don't buy this one but Spot has died at least once. Spot was a male initially but had kittens later.
>I always assumed there were multiple Spots not only because the first Spot was a completely different type of cat than the orange tabby he/she usually was. I mean I think the joke is that there were a lot of Spots due to experimentation and/or retard strength
> Maybe that cat died in an accident, maybe it was a of Mice and Men type affair. Maybe O'Brien teleported one or more Spot's into space. Regardless the original cat died. Data doesn't feel emotions and so to fill the gap left by the loss of someone familiar he simply replace the dead cat(s).
>Spot's a timelord, duh.
I always just assumed Data kept accidentally snapping their necks when he was petting them or kept crushing them when he was trying to run a tenderness simulation.. or maybe it's just when he picks the cat up, if it squirms at all he can't help himself, he just keeps tightening and tightening his grip, snarling back his android teeth, yelling "Stop. Stop! Stop‼ STOP‼!" until suddenly tearing the cat in half laterally with mechanical precision in a single gory instant. I figure something like this happens every few weeks.

>>57646
>Harry Kim gets promoted to Lieutenant Commander on arrival back to earth. Or at least fast tracked through all the box checking he needs to do to get to Commander. Tom Paris remains Lt JG until he dies.

Even in the future of Voyager when he's captain, he's only running a ship that's slightly larger than a runabout...

>However the captain's log one is amazing and that is now how I will interpret such scenes in every instance in future. Thanks based Guinan.However the captain's log one is amazing and that is now how I will interpret such scenes in every instance in future. Thanks based Guinan.
lol good

>...Does Data even know what a bathroom is?
He's probably been told he's not allowed in there because he keeps loudly exclaiming the exact dimensions of everyone's genitals when he lays eyes on them
>>
Jonathan Archer - Sun, 15 Jan 2017 16:06:25 EST ID:2CjFaDB+ No.57664 Ignore Report Quick Reply
Shit, I've been contemplating making a thread like this.

The Viidians are not one race, but a collection of different races who have all contracted the same disease. This is why we see them as being spread out over a giant part of space, and why they have all this advanced technology. They are a reluctant Federation formed by people who have been shunned by the rest of the universe. Most likely the early reactions to the Phage were wholesale quarantines of planets, so the Viidians don't really give two fucks about harvesting the people who spurned them for organs. Once they have contracted the Phage themselves, they are taken into the fold.

I feel this makes a lot more sense than them being one race, because we've seen multiple times that the disease can jump between species. Hell, that Trek diseases in general jump the species barrier. And they're all so disfigured that we can't tell their original species. So when we see Denara Pell's hologram, we're not seeing "a Viidian without the Phage". We're seeing someone who isn't a Viidian at all. Furthermore, I think this being jolted out of the common consciousness made her the kindhearted person who saved Janeway and Chakotay, and that previously she would have harvested the crew for organs without thinking twice about it.
>>
Jonathan Archer - Sun, 15 Jan 2017 16:12:07 EST ID:2CjFaDB+ No.57665 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57645
>Picard is speaking French the whole time, we hear the UT.

And O'Brien gave him an English accent in order to fuck with him.
>>
Gaila - Mon, 16 Jan 2017 00:15:46 EST ID:suZL5IcY No.57666 Ignore Report Quick Reply
For as long as I can remember, I've pretended that whenever RHNGWoY0 posts, 420chan affixes the name Guinan and a picture, and that she is actually Guinan. It's a warm feeling.
>>
Gor - Mon, 16 Jan 2017 12:17:40 EST ID:N1v2Vs8N No.57675 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57661
>>57665
with regards to France, I am of the opinion that Britain never gave it back to the French after rescuing it after the Germans invaded it during ww3
>>
Chairman Koval - Mon, 16 Jan 2017 21:24:01 EST ID:gSDiiXnb No.57676 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57646
>Most people don't buy this one but Spot has died at least once. Spot was a male initially but had kittens later. Maybe that cat died in an accident, maybe it was a of Mice and Men type affair. Maybe O'Brien teleported one or more Spot's into space. Regardless the original cat died. Data doesn't feel emotions and so to fill the gap left by the loss of someone familiar he simply replace the dead cat(s).

This happens in the TNG Recuts by Grin, spot ends up dying and then data is shown ordering "Spot 74" from the replicator.
>>
Guinan - Tue, 17 Jan 2017 00:34:28 EST ID:RHNGWoY0 No.57678 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>57666
If you keep it on the down-low, I'll let you into my cargo canister in cargo bay 3, that's where I keep all the good shit
>>
Third of Five - Tue, 17 Jan 2017 07:06:16 EST ID:MUJ4M6tq No.57679 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57678
I guess that explains how a barrel broke Worf's back
>>
Guinan - Tue, 17 Jan 2017 15:21:29 EST ID:ef2hX2Yo No.57687 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57679
It's some section 31 level classification but I heard that happened because we were transporting an alien diplomat who had a bad history with Klingons and he threw the barrel

..His name was Donkey Kong
>>
Ardon Broht - Tue, 17 Jan 2017 16:46:36 EST ID:rEWOPOwx No.57688 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57678
My silence for space heroin? DEAL
>>
Lt. Joseph Carey - Thu, 19 Jan 2017 20:28:42 EST ID:L3E9v1HE No.57716 Ignore Report Quick Reply
>>57642
Holy shit so much good in there op. But I'm not gonna lie, I disagree with a lot of it. But I love that you've got me thinking about it. As far as it goes I think a lot of the trek universe could be a dream in the nexus. Things diverge in a weird way from that point onward, so its far from outside the realm of possibility.
>captains log
Never gonna see that the same way again though. lol

Do love the idea that the borg are looking for their creator. That makes the whole thing make a lot more sense. The borgs motivation always seems so limited. But if they where looking for their creator it all adds up. God bless you guinan you've given me a lot to fucking chew on here.
>>
Kes - Mon, 23 Jan 2017 21:56:20 EST ID:ZpwdGY74 No.57743 Ignore Report Quick Reply
People sometimes wonder how we as a species somehow evolved beyond our differences in culture and biodiversity to become a western-themed unified people that collectively joined into one nation with one goal, and dream that we as a species will do so with the natural progression of time.

And yet, every other species we've encountered in the stars is mostly unicultural and uniracial, barring extreme exceptions like Remans and Romulans built on millenia of control. We have 'black' Vulcans, sure, but the odd Tuvok does not a subspecies make. So why is it that we, Federation supreme we are, able to accomadate humans of vastly different racial and cultural makeups, AND unify with hundreds of other species across the galaxy, who in turn are mostly genetically similar to one another? Can we simply not see THEIR racial differences? Are we really just destined to find commonality and overcome our petty racial lines?

The answer is of course: No. Not just no, but hell no. EVERY race besides ours has had, in some point of their history, a planetary racial purge of all but one dominant ethnic group, and it is through this planetary unity that they were able to achieve FTL travel. All species are destined to compete racially before they achieve the unity of race needed to devote their cultures inwardly to star travel. Those that avoid this racial extermination often destroy themselves first by acheiving the technology to destroy each other and not the technology to unify themselves. Except we got lucky.

2. The events of World War III and the Eugenics War gave the species the tools to perfect genetic engineering through technology similar to our modern-day CRISPR. Khan Noonien Singh and his merry band of misfits were a prototype for the true perfection of the process, and 31 NGOs and thinktanks came together in the wake of the war with the now-banned technology, and decided that the divides of the human condition required genetic tampering to force out of the species through long-game engineering. These groups merged into many of the world recovery efforts, and injected drugs that altered the brain chemistry and physical inclinations of civilizations worldwide towards western ideals and basic white IQ levels. Not just cultures, but the biodiversity of humans were altered so that all humans held the mental intelligence and lack of racial mistrust that built most interplanetary species up to what they become. Genetic engineering for supermen came to be transformed into a superculture shift, so as to better allow interplanetary cooperation, at the expense of non-western cultural norms, and non-white mental identity. Over the course of 100 years, doubled with the arrival of Vulcans, Section 31 remade humanity and explicitly turned the human species into white western europeans in all but major physical appearances. The grand glorious dawn of human cooperation in the wake of total war was constructed by Section 31 (the collective name of this force) in a way that any modern SJW would revile in horror at, but it worked.

3. Since the federation has existed, member species too have been altered to fit the Federation existence over time, albeit with some cultural differences and the obvious genetic templates in check. The ban on genetic engineering as an explicit thing humans can do publicly and individually is to prevent the revelations of their collective genetic tampering, and also to avoid individualist movements in the greater collective. Genetic tampering on the black market is mostly filled with monkey on typewriter level hack work based on the perfected formula, and leads to Bashirs or basketcases. The latter is left as warnings to the collective, the former are usually scooped up quickly by Section 31.

tl;dr The Federation is based on ethno-nationalism and CRISPR technology taken to logical conclusions, with long-game Borg-style undertones, and for all our platitudes and dreams of Star Trek, humans aren't going to be able to cooperate like the Federation does unless we brainwash the species or we kill everyone until only one group remains. Jared Taylor was right.
>>
Guinan - Tue, 24 Jan 2017 00:28:56 EST ID:wvFGPKIO No.57746 Ignore Report Quick Reply
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>>57743
>Kes

Heh heh

Seriously though this kinda hit me in the feels because in a lot of ways it resonates with the current zeitgeist of racial/cultural tension in the West and makes me worry that we as a species will never achieve the kind of future we see in Trek because we simply won't make it through the "great filter". That's what Trek is all about, after all, dreaming of a better future, of mankind after it started to grow up, but there's still a good chance we might be snuffed out in the cradle. I hope not,but looking at the modern day, most of the social and political structures that exist on a global scale aren't about the betterment of mankind but rather power, resources, and dominance, even if on the surface they resemble the ideals of the Federation, they are almost exclusively rotten to the core with a level of corporate greed and hunger for wealth that would give most Ferengi pause.

Here's hoping we can make it to sipping root beer on Terok Nor


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