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/del/ i will never do again, i did dph a while back a few times at 300-500mg doses which were usually sub autonomous visuals just really fucking weird feeling and like a film grain filter with mild distortion, I think I might have done it a dozen times over the years, not counting doses of 50-250mg for potentiating things, which I still do now and then but I find things like hydroxizine are better because they aren't anticholinergics.
From what I've seen abusing deliriants/anticholinergics just makes you more retarded than crazy, and I don't think I would ever go that route. As someone who likes to read constantly and whose hobbies are things like programming, working with electronics, strategy games, chess, etc. I would be completely lost in life if I became significantly dumber. I got a taste of that after a mild concussion and I never want to feel that way again. I've only ever huffed shit once to know what it was like and I felt dumb and like shit for days after it. Never again (except maybe ether/chloroform, on my bucket list)
/dis/ on the other hand I do like quite a bit but I don't do it that often. I can't really explain why, it's just such a profound experience. I like being able to sort of see myself from the outside because I'm a very open-minded and compassionate person except towards myself who I typically hate and being able to see myself as another person is such a wonderful experience because I'm able to finally have some self-compassion and I find this lasts for quite some time after I do a dissociative. Maybe this is one of the reasons why ketamine is so effective for severe depression.
Add to that the fact they're simply fun and feel good, and like almost no other drug outside of /psy/ they make your universe feel so radically different it's like being in another dimension or plane of existence and maybe it literally is, I'm kind of torn on that but it's a lot more fun to believe that so I typically do, at least half-way able to suspend disbelief.
Also on top of that all, I already have a very tenuous grasp on reality and I don't particularly mind that. Like I said I'm legitimately crazy (a word I vastly prefer, while I think that term is broader and almost endearing, I hate the term "mental illness" because it demystifies, pathologizes, and sterilizes my infinitely complex experience. It's incredibly condescending)
I have BPD and BD and experience dissociation, derealization and depersonalization on a regular basis and many times it's so intense that it boarders (or indeed crosses over into) psychosis. I've learned to take this in stride and feel as though it makes my existence incredibly interesting and exciting and when I can control it (which I've learned to do moderately well, I mean I've still been committed a few times but still, things go up and down) it's a great deal of fun. I really wouldn't have it any other way. I think it's a blessing and a curse but without question a gift. I accept and relish the desperate lows as much as I crave the manic, ecstatic highs.
In a sense, I'm always high. At least compared to how I was before I became the way I am. I've got "my own fix" as William S. Burroughs would put it. Drugs change the quality of this experience but I simply don't have a baseline anymore.
But I'm still self-aware enough that I haven't completely lost the plot, I'm entirely functional and (at least) moderately intelligent. I live in world where sometimes I can't discern between things that really happened and things I only imagined/dreamed of happening and it causes problems occasionally but more often than not I find this far more interesting than living a normal, drab, straight and "sane" life. I don't think I'm at risk of hurting myself or others because that simply isn't who I am. It's never who I was and I don't think something so fundamental to who I am at my core can ever change. Also, I know and have learned to avoid things that put me into dangerous territory. I used to abuse SSRIs because, having bipolar, they would make me manic, but the last time I did that I was committed for a week and a half and stepped down to another 2 week stay at voluntary dual-diagnosis treatment center. So I don't do that anymore, and in general I've really cut down on drugs.
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