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Thank you for the detailed reply and fuck I am sad about the fact I'm going to build tolerance. Perhaps then should I try sleeping pills? I have taken 25mg of doxylamine succinate as recommended but I really don't like them because I'm not an insomniac for lack of sleep/not being tired but rather due to being nervous as fuck every time I almost doze off. It makes my whole body feel really weird and uncomfortably numb especially my extremities and then it sort of "forces" me to sleep but the way it happens is kind of freaky so I tend to take a half pill. The issue with this is that I am so sensitive to even half of a pill that I'm tired in the morning when waking up and 2-5 hours after already being awake.
> Why do the subjects of death and the universe cause you to panic?
I am afraid to die. I don't want to describe it in further detail right now as it's 0100 and I don't want to freak out but that's the long-short of it.
> Why don't you feel safe at home in your bed?
I do, I have a nice student apartment during the week that's clean and lovely, and on weekends/holidays I'm with my partner in our town home. It's not that I feel safe but rather the...mundane nature of waiting to sleep or sitting there and thinking or taking a shower is what induces the nervous thoughts. When I am distracted I generally don't think about dying, it's when I am bored/on auto-pilot that it is worse, although I do have them in public at times.
> Could be soothed and kept healthy by a sense of spirituality.
I agree, and I have tried and will keep trying. I have gone to churches, I have been baptized, I've done yoga, I've gone to Morocco and was very respectful of their traditions, I've tried having in-length discussions and in fact my family is religious (although my father is an atheist like me) as well as my best friend (catholic) as well as many peers of all religions. I just am not religious, not faithful, and not spiritual, but I do agree it would be so lovely if I were. One of my friends is very spiritual and I enjoy her energy but it is all about self confidence and stuff which is nice...but it isn't honestly how I "feel." I can do the work, essentially, and have done it, but I am still just as unspiritual as ever. I appreciate this approach though and will continue trying to do it in different ways and am grateful for your solidarity.
> How are you successful if it's so bad?
Sleeping with my partner on weekends helps "distract" me so I tend to be able to sleep many nights there without panic attacks as I go to bed with love rather than fear. That rejuvinates me for classes, the sleepiness doesn't tend to hit until day 2-3. The nervous energy I project onto my studies, and I've always found academics easy. I am happiest when "busy" and have always been that way; for example I would read the entire textbook in free time, do all of the mathematics problems, etc. because that has answers and can be rewarded. At the end of the day though mortality is always there and terrifying and the one thing I can't "fix" with hard work and distraction. I also have a lovely support system and choose to be an optimist although maybe it doesn't seem that way, but I really am a joyous person 95% of the time.
> Has your daily routine with school helped at all?
Yes and no. Yes due to the above as well as feeling accomplished, enjoying what I study, enjoying the social connections I make, the rush of success/doing well on an exam, having to study REALLY hard to keep up keeps me always on the move (even when at the study table lol) and busy. No as it often increases anxiety, I'm studying in my second language, I'm well liked and because of my hella anxiety I am very, very, very organized so they made me class president which made me feel happy to be so well liked but now I am responsible for the entire year of students and it brings stress from not knowing names to having to discuss schedule conflicts to overwhelming amounts of questions when I am busy with other things. I do think I've always liked the structure of school though, but I am happier when I work less. I think once I graduate and move onto the workforce it will be more beneficial with less detriment as I'll work less hard while still being busy, I'll still have that confi… Comment too long. Click here to view the full text. |
