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>1mg pharma alprazolam
>3 glasses of wine
>prepping a plugged shot of 80mg adderall IR + 16mg bupe right now (normally only do 4mg bupe)
Still struggling with my divorce, as I finally was reaching the early stages of Acceptance but it comes and goes, and can often be triggered. I don't even feel romantically attached to her most the time; I just miss my best friend and family member.
Today I was surprised because her sister's bachelorette party started- and it's occuring ~3 months before the wedding. My ex wife was fed up with my depression related to BPD, and she never understood or she refused to accept that the way she enabled me to stagnate, as well as how the majority of her actions/inaction functioned as a negative feedback loop between the two of us.
It's been 6 months already, she was dating and buying ultra kinky shit and lingerie more explicit than anything we ever did in 8 years on MY amazon account within 3 days of me leaving, most likely (90% chance it was at least 2 guys besides her current bf) hooked up with between 2-5 days within just 9-10 days after my departure, and it appears she first started talking to her current bf of 5-6 whole months (he MOVED IN within 1 month- what the FUCK) within a grand total of ~20 days after I left the house maximum, maybe sooner.
This was all months before the divorce was even finalized.
Anyways, bump because I wasn't prepared to see social media posts of her sister's bachelorette party, as when we were nearing the end, I remember telling her that I'll never ever be there for your sister or brother's weddings, baby showers, gender reveal parties, or anything else. I mentioned that the closest I'll ever be to even remotely appearing linked to my former "tribe" will be the unlikely chance she dies before me and I go to her funeral, during which my ex-in laws will definitely scream at me. I'm still very close to both the sibling in laws. Also I'm so dense I didn't even put 2 and 2 together and recognize my ex wife is the Maid of Honor, as her sister was our Maid of Honor.
I knew back in 2018 she'd be divorced and end up MOH and I secretly was always worried it would break her heart to have to both cry for joy for her sister and cry for sadness over losing her marriage, but the joke's on me because my replacement model is fucking 35 (I'm 26 she's 27), obviously more mature being 11 years older, not an addict, not mentally ill, and oh yeah, not mentally fucking ill. So she'll stay with him no matter how imperfect he is because it's like being a 5/10 and going to a bar with a hoard of 2/10 friends- your shitty/ugly ass friends makes you seem like a rock star. This dude has it made. My friends and I already have a $160 betting pool started up as to when the new bf will propose and whether she'll accept. Meanwhile her libido has increased by a conservative 50-fold increase (minimum daily vs 2-3x/month) when she was beyond vanilla with me.
So I'm sitting here literally laughing that I fucked up so hard over the years that it got to the point that the love of my life already has someone more concerned that she will cheat during the party than I do, because the difference is moot to me. It's not a fun laugh; It's one of those "haha yeah so funny..." (in my head: accidentally dropping the bullet in the diswasher that one drunken night last fall and not being able to find it sure as hell hasn't paid off yet, even after traveling the world, and neither has getting sober. I really hope they do, because multiple years of these types of feelings with BPD just isn't going to work for me), "...haha wow that poor guy lol the tables have turned..."
I wish I had been told by her in January that she was in an exclusive relationship to help me progress beyond denial and bargaining stages of grief. Instead I worried about how she was handling loneliness, and other emotions expendetures to where my mentall health stagnated for 1/4 of an entire year, possible even for 5 months, when come to find out she hasn't been lonely one single day in 2019 and was purchasing crazy BDSM kink shit online days before I left the moment she was confident it would arrive a day after I was erased from her life. Oh yeah, and then talking to me off/on for 2 months not telling me going out with friends is actually codeword for I'm going to do some kinky painal with that enema I just bought for the fourth time this week...bye! And yes, I've banged 4 different girls already, two european two asian, with two being hotter than she was when we were together. Get this: She's legit lost like 40lb+ in 5-6 months and looks better than she did 10 years ago. Fuck my life
I am worried that xanax is going to become a staple for me again when I'm supposed to be "clean" (aka no non-bupe opioids, no high dose benzo abuse, no getting piss drunk, etc.) The worst part is she's not even mad at me and hasn't been for like months. Even worse, she's apathetic and emotionally divorced me over 1-1.5yr before I moved out without even communicating with me to fix it. You'd think that knowing the chance we will ever get back together is a total and complete 0% would help, but then it feels like 8 years of my life wasted.