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420chan is Getting Overhauled - Changelog/Bug Report/Request Thread (Updated July 26)

Meet me, looking for a late night chat, NEW

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- Mon, 02 Oct 2017 04:27:13 EST TI/NzhMf No.404202
File: 1506932833147.jpg -(76180B / 74.39KB, 640x480) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Meet me, looking for a late night chat, NEW
Anyone browsing? I used to browse 420chan all the time,
first time back in years. Always just browsed and never posted,
but glad to see a transgender board, the pic is me, just took it, and just seeing what's up.
Anyone want to chat, I'm hella bored and on one.

Also almost 3 months on HRT, enjoying my personal transformation.
3 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Hedda Sosslewure - Tue, 03 Oct 2017 07:32:42 EST 4Xc8wfma No.404208 Reply
plenty of messengers with group chat out there
i'd recommend telegram
Archie Cracklehitch - Tue, 20 Aug 2019 19:58:25 EST Vu838LFO No.406450 Reply
Almost like a discord group but one that doesn't suck honorees balls

Transbian are the future

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- Tue, 25 Jun 2019 05:52:49 EST HSOPbvkg No.406226
File: 1561456369432.png -(2115B / 2.07KB, 1000x500) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Transbian are the future
transbians are the future

Transition is easy you just need to take hrt.
Diane 35 for instant its dirt cheap and strong.

We are Enhanced males we alter our phenotype to the ones of girls.We have the intelligence and perks of males.
We are the apex of male evolution.
If you are transbian and want to talk too like minded people feel free to join our chat on XMPP: trans@muc.snopyta.org
16 posts and 9 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Eliza Sabbergold - Tue, 20 Aug 2019 16:51:32 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406444 Reply
1566334292454.png -(247832B / 242.02KB, 399x305) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>I take absolutely everything I read at face value even when the person saying it explicitly says multiple times they aren't serious
>and I tell them to go back to the bad place even though they found this site before the other one and have been here for a decade because what they say makes me miffed

lol get fucked

Spiritual Deception

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- Tue, 26 Sep 2017 20:43:23 EST hnD73dTp No.404183
File: 1506473003172.jpg -(43849B / 42.82KB, 700x438) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Spiritual Deception
Perhaps somebody else may be familiar with this phenomenon.

I have a spiritual phenomenon haunting me, regarding something that people may be familiar with, as a concept and term - "the synchronicity". The synchronizing of events and things on the physical plane of existence with time. You might say it is a series of 'supernatural coincidences' which sometimes purports itself to imply that it is God causing these "chance coincidences".


This spiritual phenomenon, or synchronization phenomenon seems to be intent on dehumanizing me, harassing me and antagonizing me, hi-jacking the ideologies and beliefs that might operate against me or against things I like or against things I feel are right.

An example is the transgender phenomenon. It may be that other people here on this board have experienced this spiritual/supernatural phenomenon. One day it just appeared in my life quite literally out of nowhere.

So, like for instance it will do things like dehumanize me (in a supernatural way) and create these highly intelligent/complex fictional thesis statements through nature and physical occurrences and the synchronizing of events....dehumanizing, harassing, belittling and being a general threat to life...doing things like claiming that I am wrong and turning the "transgender phenomenon" into some sort of sensationalized sh*tshow as opposed to, what is seemingly an act of nature itself....or turning the "transgender phenomenon" into some sort of spiritual/supernatural nightmare.

For instance, if I as a transgendered person was walking through a door, and a gentleman held the door open for me as I walked in....this supernatural entity would, by supernatural means, insinuate to me something along the lines of....."YOU ARE A KING"......"YOU ARE A RULER"....."LOOK HOW HIGH UP AND HOW EXALTED YOU ARE THAT SOMEBODY IS HOLDING THE DOOR FOR YOU AS YOU WALK THROUGH THE DOOR".....rather than just allowing it to exist in time as a gentleman holding the door open for a transgendered person, or perhaps more appropriately articulated, a gentleman holding the door open for a woman (who happens to have been born inside a biologically male body, or a hermaphroditic body...)

Sorry, this is very difficult to explain, but I think it could be serious and discussing this topic could seriously help other people. It is just a very subtle and "covert", and very complex and "off the wall" phenomenon which occurs to me, and I'm wondering if other people here might be able to help or are familiar with such things as these.
9 posts and 2 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Cornelius Purringworth - Sun, 08 Oct 2017 16:49:48 EST /ygBDdZV No.404238 Reply
Are you saying modern medicine is scamming transpeople?
all of your vagina bases belongeth to us - Sun, 08 Oct 2017 20:34:35 EST hnD73dTp No.404240 Reply
after considering my response to your question, i will articulate my thoughts here in an orderly fashion...i do troll, but not trolling on this specific subject...trolling is one of my bad habits

be warned, i am a bit of a conspiracy theorist
Archie Cracklehitch - Tue, 20 Aug 2019 19:25:36 EST Vu838LFO No.406448 Reply

What you're talking about is a 'thoughtform', the thoughtform is influencing you with the use of synchronicities. You are a host for it. It can't do much if you don't entertain it and continue to dismiss it or counter it. You can also try meditating and doing daily thought exercises. By meditating you can enter into an in-depth discussion with it in order to understand what its intentions are how to make it go away

Hon Discord

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- Sat, 08 Jun 2019 20:45:40 EST f38whsHw No.406199
File: 1560041140451.png -(262705B / 256.55KB, 500x280) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Hon Discord
Are you a late transitioner? Ugly? No hope of passing? Then you would be a perfect fit for our hon discord server for shitposting, support and discussion of life and its challenges as a non passing transsexual. You are not alone fellow hons, come say hi :)

18 posts and 4 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Nigel Perrywell - Mon, 12 Aug 2019 19:49:50 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406374 Reply
they didn't even finish framing the article after a minute though, i feel like you're just saying that because it's cth, or do you mean the article itself is retarded?

ray blanchard

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- Thu, 15 Aug 2019 18:10:33 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406387
File: 1565907033986.jpg -(24331B / 23.76KB, 390x280) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. ray blanchard
How the fuck do people who are educated in the field actually take this joker seriously? I just always ignored him because he seemed like just another old, irrelevant, TERF-adjacent reactionary shit-head who's going to die very soon and with it his bullshit, but a (very) few influential sexologists support his theory of the origins of transsexuality, apparently.

I mean, I know he's still an incredibly outspoken figure and can't change the direction our understanding of gender and sexuality is going based on actual scientific evidence, but after caving and actually looking at it it's so patently wrong and stupid at the base that I can't not talk about it.

Yeah, ok, so there's two types of transgenderededs in this guys smooth brain, """homosexual transsexuals""" and """autogynephilic transsexuals""", which right of the bat are such deeply offensive terms that it really is shocking he was able to publish this at all. But moving past that, the former he says are innately feminine early transitioners attracted to men and the latter are masculine, late transitioners, attracted largely to women and in particular themselves as a woman.

This starts to fall apart without me even looking past yours truly, who was not a particularly feminine kid, grew up thinking they were a cishet guy until the beginning of high school when they realized they were also attracted to men and then very slowly became attracted almost exclusively to men, came out as gay and realized "holy shit this feels really wrong but how i'm ravenously attracted to men almost exclusively" and around the same exact time she realized she really wanted to have smooth skin, long, soft, hair, wear pretty clothes, and deal with the world in terms of emotions, feelings, love, kindness, and compassion?

I mean I'm willing to give him that I'm probably clearly the former in his view, since after this, I also started to get flooded with all the memories I had from childhood that I deeply repressed where I felt like I wanted to be someone's wife some day, and slightly later that I wanted to have children, and the weird feelings I had when I was 7 or 8 where I was absolutely certain I was turning into a girl somehow, and the complete inability to relate to women as the opposite gender. But I'm still obviously aroused by the thought of having sex as a girl, which is textbook """autogynephilia""", a world that pathologizes, dehumanizes, and projects as deviant the experience that cis women refer to as *checks notes* "feeling sexy".

So what about female-to-male trans people? Non-binary people? Bi/pan/demi/etc./etc. trans people? The vast, vast majority of all persuasions of trans people who don't fit into either category in the slightest? How come everything he treats as being as objective and verifiable as the mitochondria being the powerhouse of the cell are actually complex social constructs we haven't even really begun to understand. I really, really, want to get into with someone who actually believes this bullshit because it's so inconceivable to me that anyone would.

It's impossible for me to believe he could come up with this garbage for any other reason but the fact he was coming from a place of deep prejudice and loathing from day 0.

Being transgender has nothing inherently to do with sex and believing that it does is deeply transphobic.
17 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Barnaby Sinningworth - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 13:09:39 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406424 Reply
Also for the millionth time it's not the diagnosis, it's the unfounded explanation for it. It'd be like the doctor telling you you got ulcerative colitis and then telling you that you got it from getting fucked in the ass too much

tips for reducing dysphoria beyond changing physically

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- Sun, 11 Aug 2019 14:12:15 EST fRgBxA0y No.406358
File: 1565547135064.gif -(657169B / 641.77KB, 236x200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. tips for reducing dysphoria beyond changing physically

Self-acceptance advice specific to trans people?
2 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
John Gobblechag - Sat, 17 Aug 2019 18:30:04 EST kXOwIq+i No.406402 Reply
That was a good read, thanks. I have AGP and I do this stuff, but in a way I feel like things like the username is overtly pushed because in a way, I am a physical man with female identity and my own projections are that of a male mind transforming into a female rather than being a physical one if that makes sense.
Priscilla Blythedale - Sat, 17 Aug 2019 22:02:11 EST 31r/BKcO No.406404 Reply
>if that makes sense.

It doesn't really to me tbh, what do you mean forced? Immediately after coming out I was chomping at the bit to start transitioning in every way humanly possible. It seemed very natural start using a feminine user name and picture of Siouxsie Sioux as my avatar. The ultimate goal being to be seen as unambiguously female in the eyes of every single person I interact with. Maybe I'm reading you wrong. Maybe you're actually non-binary in some ways. I dunno. I don't have AGP. I'm not attracted to women so I'm not attracted to myself.

Honestly I think that shit is a bit of a meme anyway, I don't know if anyone 'has" it because I don't know if it's real in any meaningful sense, I'm not going to tell people their wrong about their own experiences, it just seems like there's no reason to consider it at all. Like why does it matter? Lots of people are attracted to themselves I'm sure. Also, the idea that the origin of gender identity is what essentially amounts to a fetish is pretty offensive honestly
Barnaby Sinningworth - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 13:14:28 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406425 Reply
>it just seems like there's no reason to consider it at all. Like why does it matter? Lots of people are attracted to themselves I'm sure. Also, the idea that the origin of gender identity is what essentially amounts to a fetish is pretty offensive honestly


Can't afford surgery

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- Sun, 11 Aug 2019 16:12:43 EST b0wzrFah No.406362
File: 1565554363279.jpg -(30114B / 29.41KB, 960x588) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Can't afford surgery
I just found out I can't get surgery and I want to die because of it. I have no way to do this. I'm screwed. This sucks. I'm probably going to end up in the hospital again.
8 posts and 1 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Oliver Wishsune - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 04:49:43 EST 7hJCOOod No.406419 Reply
>there are multiple independent cultures that have the concept of a third gender
>this is somehow news to me
Ignorance on your level is sadly not a regional problem. nb
George Mabberfock - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 09:16:48 EST cRgwbbBt No.406421 Reply
>couldn't tell native americans from indians and is getting reflective and butthurt
Oliver Wishsune - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 15:15:23 EST 7hJCOOod No.406427 Reply
>I don't have an argument so I'm going to pretend to be retarded like this is the future
smoke more and read, argue less nb

Helping a friend transition to male

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- Sun, 18 Aug 2019 14:09:25 EST xFIxo0/i No.406410
File: 1566151765791.jpg -(88048B / 85.98KB, 499x750) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Helping a friend transition to male
Hey /cd/, I've got a friend who wants to transition. Do yall have any advice as to what I can do, cheap resources, anything like that? He wants his transition to be medically supervised, so I can't just hook him up with some of my extra testosterone from TRT, but I was thinking I could buy him a binder or something. I remember a good amount of stuff for transitioning to female from browsing here years ago, but unfortunately I don't really know anything about going the other way.
Fucking Blellerway - Sun, 18 Aug 2019 14:28:14 EST qvvMo5m0 No.406411 Reply
binder would be a great first choice. Some wear packers and feel comfortable with them (fake penis') others just leave it entirely. It's obviously a more intimate present, idk if I'd personally be comfortable with someone else choosing my dick (I'm MtF tho so eh), but if he's thinking of getting a packer, you can get specific boxers that hold it in place properly so it doesn't move about, so the boxers would be a better present.

Honestly there's little specific purchaseable things. Just support is going to be the best and the cheapest way to help though!
Oliver Drillychet - Sun, 18 Aug 2019 16:53:55 EST xFIxo0/i No.406413 Reply
Alright cool. I don't know if he's even thought about getting a packer, since he's not really planning to get bottom surgery. Hell, I didn't even know they made those. We've been pretty intimate in the past, so once I get him a binder or two I'll ask if he'd want something like that.

I've been doing my best to support him, but other than providing the resources I can find (like a binder recycling program) and referring to him with the correct pronouns/name I don't really know anything else to do. I guess once I have more money I could help pay for therapy/doctor visits? I'm pretty new to supporting someone pre-transition, most of the people I've known have already done it. If anyone has any advice for how a clueless cis person can help support a trans friend, that'd be great.

amab privilege

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- Mon, 12 Aug 2019 09:44:22 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406371
File: 1565617462271.gif -(57687B / 56.33KB, 220x220) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. amab privilege
Is this just TERF nonsense or an actual thing. I mean, I definitely feel like it's a double-edged sword, and I don't know if the good parts really outweigh the bad.

On the one hand, you have this implicit confidence having been raised in a society that from birth considers you to be a natural born leader. You're encouraged to explore many interests that girls never are, which leads to life long passions and career options many women don't have. I guess that's all I can think of actually.

On the other hand, you have to learn countless unspoken social queues, subtle behaviors, and complex mores to build relationships with other women. You have years of socialization that you're not allowed to be girly or like girly things (this doesn't just magically go away when you realize you actually are a girl) and even with the greatest support structure, you'll always carry this sense of shame, some more than others, this feeling like you're wrong, deficient, a failed man, a sissy. All of us deal with this to some extent or another, and some of use deal with even worse things like being disowned by our families, kicked out of our houses, and fired from our jobs.

I mean the whole "being trans" thing in general, kind of a shitty draw. Yeah ok, I might be part of one of the most oppressed and universally reviled peoples on Earth right now, we might be openly beaten and killed in the streets, in an ostensibly developed world superpower, that does nothing but strip our rights and protections away as hate crimes against us are on the rise. We have to live our lives feeling like impostors because people can't take 5 minutes to learn some very basic science with an open mind, just existing around some people makes them feel uncomfortable if we don't pass well enough and the media exposure and education that would help eliminate this is called "forced diversity" and "left-wing propaganda".

But shit, that 20 years I got living as a guy (during which time my body was getting irreversibly more masculine, I grew to hate myself more and more every day and developed severe mental illnesses I still have to this day and will always have from living every second of my life feeling like I was controlling a strangers corpse in a fake world without being able to understand why)? WORTH it.

Ok I think I actually just answered my own question but I'm up for debate.
7 posts and 2 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Cornelius Wemblehood - Sun, 18 Aug 2019 06:23:31 EST zqV9w1QZ No.406406 Reply
First off, it means fretting about misgendering people is useable as a ticket for ignoring other categorically-similar factors. It gives you a nice green light to bring up western "communists", while merely not letting you throw them around as some grand definition of anything or anyone else that relates to talking points of theirs; and it sets out to set aside all those popularly vaunted "defectors" to the west, to cut through the unclarity of what sort of people should be included for examination. It goes so far as to tollerate a demand to have fights with goosesteppers be personal. And it gives two explanations for why you'd go out your damn way to talk about something ridiculous as the "liberation of Germany"...

...really, do you also speak of your courts as liberating criminals from their tragic inability to get through life by the book? Oh but *you* wouldn't want to commit crime! I do wonder where you get it in your head that you can force any bizarre perspectives on a country to fit by insert yourself into it, and as the special person that gets to be the one that counts.

And ... a language barrier? Combined with a tone fitting with holding that over my head. When you be due to think, given the topic, that a language "barrier" would be a reasonable little complicating factor to consider. And yet, you want to hold it up as a nightmare complication?

None, just some nice, homestyle Krokodil, some Vodka, a bit of de-denatured alcohol, moonshine and some Heroin made from poppy seeds.

Transgender is not Haram

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- Sat, 31 Mar 2018 06:47:22 EST 6OESwApW No.404957
File: 1522493242098.jpg -(515891B / 503.80KB, 1536x2101) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Transgender is not Haram
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yourfavorite/x/ !MuS2kOeDuk - Mon, 15 Apr 2019 08:25:47 EST gjPLkU7y No.406009 Reply
>I read a bit of Qu'uran
>Its an interesting book
>I have no desire to see it become law

There is a reason most Islamic Countries are shit holes.
Even before Israel. The Ottomans stagnated for reason.
Phoebe Pablingwater - Tue, 23 Apr 2019 04:17:45 EST gjPLkU7y No.406030 Reply
1556007465574.jpg -(203828B / 199.05KB, 1200x805) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>Allahs Snackbar?
>Hoopmans ohhh what are those?

Opinions About Sonic the Sissyhog?

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- Mon, 11 Dec 2017 21:03:41 EST mqt5dlDB No.404491
File: 1513044221785.jpg -(253920B / 247.97KB, 1070x1289) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Opinions About Sonic the Sissyhog?



7 posts and 2 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
srs_intellectual - Fri, 17 May 2019 23:37:13 EST yxVOZXNO No.406125 Reply
1558150633572.jpg -(120666B / 117.84KB, 397x594) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
what is this bullsh*t on my /cd/

btw i just read a book for the first time in my life and it told me stuff

voice training

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- Fri, 12 Jul 2019 22:53:16 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406259
File: 1562986396361.jpg -(121576B / 118.73KB, 1200x900) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. voice training

This is fucking terrible and makes me feel like shit. What the fuck can I do about it? I get "ma'amed" on the phone all the time and I don't fucking understand how.

I'm fucking blackout drunk right now or else I would never dream of posting this and I'm going to seriously regret doing this in the morning but I just want to not sound disgusting.
3 posts and 1 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Molly Gundlepod - Sun, 11 Aug 2019 14:06:53 EST fRgBxA0y No.406357 Reply
Trans men: Bring your voice down as low as it can go, to the point where it is ridiculous, say a few sentences like that, then slowly bring it up until you get to a point where it feels comfortable and you can imagine talking like that. It might only be a few notes below your normal voice, but actually the average man's voice is only a few notes below the average woman's voice anyway.

Trans women: do the same, only the other way around, bring it up as high as you can, then drop it until it's comfortable, don't ever try to speak in a range that is uncomfortable to you, it won't sound natural.

> don't ever try to speak in a range that is uncomfortable to you, it won't sound natural.

If you can find a trans-friendly speech therapist they will be happy to help you with this
James Dobblelen - Tue, 13 Aug 2019 17:40:19 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406376 Reply
1565732419954.jpg -(61912B / 60.46KB, 453x700) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
Been training really seriously at this point for a few weeks, like hours a day, and i'm actually making leaps and bounds really fast at this point. Just about there honestly, I'll post back when I think I really am. Still might see a voice trainer later on to work on the finer points but a fairly passing voice is legitimately with-in my reach pretty soon, which feels amazing. It's already like night and day compared to what I posted.

Been doing larynx stretches probably 5 times a day, around 5 minutes and then just spend hours while I'm alone reading things and vocalizing my thoughts aloud and at this point I'm even starting to think in my real voice, which is a really affirming thing.

Made up this exercise I do before I do the voice part that I feel is really actually helping. Just kind of based it on everything I've read so far about this stuff.

Personally, I find it a lot easier to precisely find and vocalize right on that break between my standard range and falsetto while singing. Maybe at least partly because while I can't carry a tune anymore to save my life, I legitimately do have a clear, fairly pretty, and resonating singing voice.

My thought is that maybe since I can produce a much more steady, pleasant pitch singing, that exercises my vocal chords to speak with the same clarity. I'm finding that I can actually move the break up my register quite a bit when singing and then for a period of time afterwards my speaking voice is noticeable higher, clearer, and prettier. Which I think kind of supports that theory

So recently, I've thrown in an hour or so of singing practice before voice practice where I've been doing different exercises. First and longest one I do is sustaining a single tone at a time until I run out of breath, repeat that a few times focusing on singing in the same exact pitch, and try my hardest to produce the tone in the best possible timbre I can, shooting for a crystal clear, steady, birdsong like resonation.

Then I slowly move this up maybe a half step at a time until I hit the break, which I can move up by going back to the previous pitch and raising it very slowly while I'm singing. After I do the slur a couple times, I can make the jump to that note in a natural voice and at this point I can get 2 or 3 notes higher.

After spending a few minutes going over those notes, I'll sing along with songs that are right at the top of my range like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AQP_Q9eGKQg and https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4nAON-MwUPY (lucky for me my favorite two female vocalists are right at that range) for the rest of the session to practice smoother changes in pitch and actually vocalizing words

If there's no advantage to this then fuck it, at least I'm starting to get a lot better at singing and it's actually really fun. It can't be LESS helpful than voice training.

The biggest thing I'm really worried about at this point is my voice is starting to crack a fair bit. The pitch stays in the female range and actually goes up every time, like I'm going through reverse puberty or something. Is this a sign of something serious I should consider, just something like my throat being dry, or maybe it'll stop once I build more muscle and vocal control?


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- Sun, 11 Aug 2019 01:49:19 EST HGHaJC/B No.406355
File: 1565502559290.jpg -(29231B / 28.55KB, 320x480) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. trans CHASING
any tips for trans chasers from trans themselves?

Cyril Chibbernock - Sun, 11 Aug 2019 03:54:55 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406356 Reply
don't say trans chasing just do trans chasing

Am I trans?

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- Mon, 23 Jul 2018 19:35:52 EST 8LsqTN7U No.405532
File: 1532388952833.jpg -(140883B / 137.58KB, 2048x2048) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Am I trans?
So I've been questioning for a few days and it's the longest case of "wanting to be a girl" I've had (most of them last a day or two and only happen once every couple months for the past couple years) but this one is continuous and I feel no signs of it stopping yet. It's not dysphoric, but more euphoric, like I seriously want to just wake up one day and become a girl. What should I do? I'm comfortable as a cis male, but I feel so conflicted as being a girl makes me feel so right when I think about it, but my parents are conservative Christians and all my Googling says if I'm going to start HRT at some point, it's better as early as you can get it. I can't decide. Please help, I don't know if I want to because I'm still highly attracted to girls, but want to be one so bad
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Cyril Chibbernock - Sat, 10 Aug 2019 21:31:31 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406353 Reply
>You've been female your entire life, you've never had a dead name and nobody wants to bash your fucking head in

I would wake up as Shub-Niggurath to have this be the case
Cyril Chibbernock - Sat, 10 Aug 2019 22:10:33 EST VXOdpzl8 No.406354 Reply
You don't have to experience gender dysphoria to be trans, but I don't think it's really out of line to say that most of us do. You could also experience it and not be able to recognize what it is, which is the case for some people but after a certain point, at least in my experience, it becomes entirely impossible to ignore what it is and why it's happening to you.

You could just be depressed, you could just hate your body, your voice, your skin, and your hair, you could just feel like you don't have a place in the world, you could just have this weird relationship with the "opposite" gender that you can't understand or place, you could just dissociate constantly and feel like everything is fake and no one can tell what's real and what's not, it could all be other mental illnesses playing tricks on you -- or you could be experiencing all of these things because your trans and this is all part of gender dysphoria. That was the case with me.

After talking with a gender therapist for a few sessions, I came to find out that I started experiencing gender dysphoria as a very young girl. I experienced it as this sort of feeling I could somehow "relate" to girls more, but I didn't look like them and I didn't really fit in all too well with boys either so I just kind of kept a tight circle of other semi-outcasts all the way through high school. I felt occasionally like I wanted to do gender non-conforming things or I'd have these weird ideas like "it'd be nice to be someone's wife some day" and I'd be terrified of them, block them out as hard as I could, because I had an ultra-conservative upbringing.

This intensified when I went through puberty but I still didn't have a way to describe what I was experiencing. I hated that my voice was getting higher but at the same time hated that most boys were becoming more masculine, as I had anticipated I would. I had a weird relationship with sexual attraction, where I was kind of conditioned to be attracted to women and that's what I went along with that, but even before I realized what I was doing I would self-insert as the woman in porn. At this point I started to realize I definitely wasn't straight but was terrified of telling anyone and just considered it a fetish.

Later in life I started to drown out these feelings in drugs and alcohol as they got stronger and stronger until they became impossible to ignore. I didn't start piecing things together until I was 18 or 19, I thought I was just regular gay, and even THAT was a huge hurdle to get over. I didn't make the commitment to transition until I was 22. I feel like I've already waited too long but that's not really true. At this point I dissociate constantly and feel like I'm controlling a body that isn't mine, and I get to the point where the dysphoria becomes so intense I get depressed to the point where I do nothing but smoke weed and stay inside for weeks at a time. It feels like I'm constantly wrapped in barbed wire and everything I do hurts because it isn't me doing any of these things. I go to cry about it and put my face in my arms and feel the stubble of not having shaved for a couple days, or maybe let something out without thinking about the pitch and get even more upset.

I know I just wrote a novel, but I'm coming off of some speed and that was a lot for me. It's a tempting basket to put all your eggs in, but if it is the case that you're trans it really is impossible to explain how much repressing that fucks up your brain and how much better things get every day after deciding to transition, even before starting HRT.

tl;dr: you don't need to experience dysphoria to be trans but most trans people do and it fucking sucks and you could already be experiencing it already but at the same time, it does get to a point where it's impossible to ignore it for what it is.

Good luck though, no one can answer these questions for you. Only a trained gender therapist can. I know it's not so easy to find one, but if anything start going to regular therapy if you don't already and mention gender identity issues in passing, they can give you a referral.

On a final note though, I will say that just because you feel uncomfortable about the idea of presenting as feminine, doesn't mean that you aren't trans. You have to do a lot of soul searc…
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