>> | Lot of stuff i relate to here, I'm just now starting to truly get glimpse of what a cruel vicious person that website made me, and how all the terrible mean thoughts that come into my mind aren't what I'm afraid everyone else is thinking about me, deep down they're what i still think and i can't do anything about it, it's starting get better, i'm starting to really believe what i think at the deepest level, but now and then i'll see a happy unconventional person living their life freely, and i'll cringe just knowing literally every person on Earth is annoyed and disgusted by them, but that isn't the case, on some level i personally am, or at the very least i still believe the lie that it's how the majority of people think, and it really moves me to tears sometimes the burst of ill-will i'll feel towards people who did absolutely nothing wrong, someone who i know deals with a lot of hate and by any right i should share a deep connection with, it's a battle between these two impulses, on the one hand to say this non-binary person who goes by neo-pronouns or this trans woman who transitioned at 50 or whatever are exactly like me, we're one in the same and to attack them is to attack me, no difference in validity whatsoever, and on the other hand to just not deal with the uncomfortable feelings they stir up in me and throw them under the bus by trying to assert my superiority as a true tran because i had a marginally better spawn point
I wish i had just come out at 14 and been a tumblr kid tbh, i try to embrace every aspect of what's happened to me in life as essential to what i am, but spending my entire adolescence building up all this hatred and animosity in a pathetic attempt to try and run away from what i am just unambiguously sucks, no redeeming qualities, i don't look back with nostalgia or miss the "people" there, i hate them, i hate what they did to me, the fact that such pathetic people beneath contempt still have such a hold on me is infuriating, at least having been in their shoes i know what really hurts them, but even so there's no catharsis in ridiculing them, i still see too much of myself reflected in them, it just makes me feel worse |