|>> || >>407467 |
I'm really sorry this is how things are going for you, and i wish i could offer you advice, the only thing i can tell you from horrible personal experience is that ketamine/dissociatives are NOT the move for us, you will see a man in the mirror and it will make you want to kill yourself, gender solely lies in one's feelings towards themselves, detaching yourself from those feelings is counterproductive, it won't make you feel like a girl, it will just make you angry that you don't and convince you that you just must not have that "essence" that makes a person "really" trans, but in reality there is no such thing
acid though, i think legitimately helped me a lot in terms of sort of subconsciously categorizing myself as part of a subgroup of women nor men, but i already had a borderline unhealthy fondness for it anyway and feel more comfortable and at home in that head space than i do in any other
i do have some belief in a higher power and the last trip i had not too long ago was deeply religious and i started to reflect on the mystery of how me and my very liberal but very religious sister-in-law are part of the same group and share a similar bond, and i when i looked in the mirror i legitimately saw my face shifting as i stopped picking out the masculine features and started picking feminine ones and even now i still do that and i finally like what i see in the mirror
i will say though, i feel like i worked my entire life to get to a point where this trip could happen, and just throwing acid into the mix for you right now specifically probably isn't the best idea, i'm sorry that there aren't any easy answers for this, i think maybe reflecting on the fact that our goal isn't to transform ourselves into fitting into the static category of "woman", the definitions of the words "man" and "woman" themselves have changed, they've come to represent a desire to act in traditionally masculine and feminine ways, that just so happens to correlate strongly with sex. this is a better construct for understanding the reality of the world, for describing something that is and always will be, there's no single thing inside of us that makes us trans or not, gender is a behavior not a trait, the desire to act is the thing itself.
fully comprehending this won't magically make other people feel the same, but i think another important step is realizing that it's the case that most people already do whether they like it or not because gender presentation is something that emerges from a collection of signifiers and after crossing a certain threshold people start to implicitly see you as a woman, which is the thing that makes homophobic men hate us the most, because they hate that they could potentially be attracted to us
i think even more significantly reflecting on the fact that our internal universes are all so radically different that it's completely impossible that anyone else feel the "same" way you do, to most people who don't have the same or a similar thing going on in themselves that they don't like, we're just another other