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Starting to come back, I think my dose of spiro was a little high but now that I've had a few more shots of e to make up for that it's coming back. It's come back in an interesting way too. I ended up just not even trying for like a week and a half, the longest I've gone without since puberty probably, but then as desire started to come back it was a lot more focused on all the preamble and foreplay parts, like a lot of what started to work best for me was fantasizing about having an emotional connection to guys I like, painting this whole picture of a life together that almost only incidentally involves sex, but the whole thing is still deeply arousing somehow.
It's all really mental now, like I can just sit and think about it for an hour and barely touch myself once, but when I do, almost every inch of my body feels like an erogenous zone. It's weird to get satisfaction without finishing too. Like eventually I'll just get bored, come back to it after a while, maybe finish, maybe don't, it's as if the pleasure of the whole experience itself makes climaxing obviously good and what I'm going for, but not as absolutely integral to the act as it used to be. It doesn't feel all I'm doing is working towards that split second end and everything up to it is a chore like it did before I started HRT.
One thing that'll take getting used to is the smell, I'm not actually into women much at all, so now that that's starting to change it's kind of a turn off, but I mean that just involves showing beforehand and even if I don't it's not hard to ignore
What is tough in all of this is that I can't really take being single anymore. Even when I'm not thinking of sex, I'll be thinking of guys I used to be with (none of whom I even had sex with, it was always platonic) and all the things we did together. One guy in particular I think about CONSTANTLY, although I never really did get over him. I imagine first dates with different guys, getting to know them, sharing my life with them, and the emotional bond. I would just as soon get with someone who was asexual. For me there's a fine line between going from this feeling of satisfaction where I finally like the way I feel about guys and myself, where I feel like it's normal and makes sense, like I have a place that I no longer think makes me inferior, and thinking about it too much and just making myself kind of sad.
I don't think I'll struggle at all to do it at least a couple times a week now, but as it is I don't think I'm really big enough to do the regular inversion thing anyway. With the technology we currently have, I think it'll have to be the one where they take part your gut to make the wall, or whatever, I haven't really looked that much into it yet. I just know even as is it'll be hard to get any depth, but I already have a hole that works, so the surgery would be mostly be for myself for reasons other than sex