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So, to continue with my ongoing posts;
It feels like an eternity has passed, even though it has only been three days. Since my last post, I've made it a point to make smoking a meditation of sorts. To be completely aware when I smoked instead of doing it without much thought. Every cigarette felt like the first one again; horrible, painful, and un-satisfying. I felt worse after I smoked, rather than better. I also realized I smoked half a pack a day regularly.
While searching for more meditation techniques involving smoking, I stumbled across a "hypnosis" cession video on Youtube, and decided to give it a shot. I have done guided meditations before, and I viewed this video in the same way.
It was horribly distracting. Perhaps I wasn't relaxed enough for it to work, but constantly hearing "You are a non-smoker" over and over made my mind shout to counter the statement, that I am a smoker, and that this whole things was ridiculous.
So I went out for a smoke. I began smoking mindfully once again, but then my mind wandered away. Suddenly, I found myself in a dark room, with the only light consisting of two candles slightly illuminating a hooded figure. I realized that I was in a ritual, and this ritual was for my first and last cigarette, because I somehow realized that when totally absorbed in a moment, each both the first and the last for some reason. I was told to continue smoking the one I was smoking, and to feel the smoke burning my lungs and the tar in my throat. I coughed. I haven't actually coughed smoking since my early smoking times. Then I came to the understanding that this is what smoking is, nothing more, and nothing less.
After this, I put out my cigarette and threw away the rest of the box, something I've had trouble doing in the past.
My next journey begins here. I feel like I have no need to smoke, as perhaps I finally understand it.
I hope this seed of confidence grows and grows to that whenever I have a desire to smoke, I can remember that I already understand smoking, and can move on to other things to learn and understand.
Best of luck my BWS friends, I'm sure I'll be back to keep you all posted, or if nothing else, to remind myself of how I felt before, and how I'm feeling now.
It's all up to you, no one lives forever.