|>> || >>30114 |
This dude again, checking back in. Day 14.
The adderall and klonopin has worked wonders. I have a very short supply and won't be seeking any more once it's gone. I have just been functioning at a totally normal level. I have a demanding job that requires me to function at a high level intellectually 8-10 hours/day. My interest in hobbies hasn't really returned/improved. Things with my girlfriend are greatly improving. She can always tell when I'm messed up in the slightest, and is very opposed to drugs. I've hidden the klonopin and adderall from her. When I started taking them (on day 11 I believe) she really started warming back up to me. When I'm either high or in withdrawal, she can't even look at me. Now she's opening up and seeing the old me.
I went to AA/NA meetings for about 4 years, and they are VERY anti-medication. I know that everyone can't use low doses of high abuse potential narcotics for sustained periods, but man, I would recommend this to anyone going through withdrawal. In the past, what caused me to relapse back into heroin was my inability to form clear thoughts (sober, I'm an incredibly smart, high-functioning person, and it's very frustrating to feel like your brain got hit with an egg beater) and my inability to sleep. Having something to bridge that initial 30 or 60 day gap between acute withdrawal and absolute sobriety is such a helpful tool.
I've been leaning on one sober friend heavily, who has had success in above mentioned method, who is also recommending exercise, certain vitamins, and helping me make decisions for myself when I don't know that my brain is quite there yet. It's so helpful to have a guide on this frustrating, demoralizing, painful journey.
I've tried to connect with some of my old AA/NA acquaintances, and even medication aside, man are they fucking brainwashed and obnoxious. One, who I consider a very close friend, I just lost tonight. I tested the waters of NA tonight, and he is so deeply brainwashed into the culture, I just can't do it. Doing the math, I've been sober 97.5% of the days out of the last 6 years. I have a productive life, a girlfriend I adore who has never used drugs, I own a home, I have a 401(k), have taken several promotions to a well-over-6-figure salary.... and I just can't quite relate to "my boyfriend crawled into our dumpster last night drunk and started beating me again." Do I have an ego complex? Probably. I make an effort to relate to the pain we're all experiencing in early recovery, but the connections I once used to be able to make just aren't there anymore.