|>> || >>375916 |
I've been using DXM for probably about 13 or 14 years. I have no idea how many times I've taken it. I would go on binges for a week, or I would go a month or two without it, but I never went THAT long without it... I even became a Mormon and took DXM while attending the Temple in order to see the spirits there. I developed some, um, "unique" religious views from the revelations I received off of DXM. DXM gave me some extremely manic periods where I basically had a messiah complex and did whatever "I was guided to," but I learned eventually that there are negative entities as well as positive entities that speak to you, and you are very gullible in a dexed state... I did lots of things I regret. Nothing violent or bad against a person, except just acting crazy, but I destroyed a lot of prize possessions so as to "destroy all idols" and so on.
Anyway it keeps escalating. I need to take like 1200+ mg in order to have any kind of real experience at all, and I've taken up to 2.8g which is potentially deadly. I've done it all with DXM. It taught me a lot, but in the end I am sitting here in my 30s thinking, what was it all for? Now I just wonder, what was the nature of those experiences? My short term memory is shot. I can hardly remember the amazing revelations, but on the way back down there are a lot of negative experiences that "overwrite" the amazing positive experiences on the way up. I've visited all kinds of alternate dimensions and so on, but "the adversary" has prevented me from bringing the knowledge back...
When people talk about "losing the magic" they are right, in my experience, but not in the way it is usually talked about. I am extremely anhedonic. I don't find pleasure in any earthly pursuit. Money, life, death, these things are all unimportant to me. I don't like video games, or even playing music anymore. I am fine just being a homeless man if it came to that, but I am blessed by the divine to not have to be. I am on disability for major depression. I am, frankly, fucked up. I feel as though I squandered a beautiful mind in the pursuit of a mirage. I can hardly remember what I'm doing moment after deciding to do something.
The trips continue, the entities still show up, the become clearer and clearer, they become as real as real people. They are like people, both good and bad. In indulging in the dex, we are halfway between life and death. We have entered the superposition. We can cross timelines, but it is almost always for the worse. There are spirits to behold, but they are almost all of them as lacking in knowledge as any of us are upon the Earth. None know the truth. Seeking the truth with DXM is a fool's errand. I have wasted a significant portion of my life on it.
I apologize to my creator for my hubris. Much love to you, brother. Take the path you feel is right. Perhaps there is a purpose for us yet.