| >> | 1558304134792.jpg -(8459B / 8.26KB, 300x168) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. ![]() So I've finally recognized that I'm an actual alcoholic. Past few weeks I've felt intense anxiety during the day, thought I was just anxious, but then I also drank to fall asleep at night, usually 7-ish beers, or a bottle of wine. Been doin' it on the regular for about half a year.
Mid-day, the anxiety is crippling, terrible; cold sweat, impending doom, etc. I drink, and it goes away sort of. So I've been sipping rum throughout the days now, instead of just binging before bed. And I'm much less anxious.
Now to taper before the tolerance rises.... Fucking hell.
Probably won't make it in the long term. Might have months, or a year or so of sobriety, But I'll drink again. I know it, I knew it the first time I drank. I'll die from this, or rather from the anxiety that I'm trying to suppress.
And the weirdest thing about it? I'm tipsy atm, a bottle of wine-ish down, and I don't care. When I'm sober, I'm terrified of death, and the damage I've done to my body with alcohol and food or lack of exercise. But now I'm drunk, and it's all cool. The difference is beyond words, between anxiety and this peace of mind I feel now.
So I have a choice: Sobriety, and crawl through hell, hope for a better future, or make some amount of peace with death and ride this one out. It will end in death either way, right? Either by the drink, or I try to use other drugs to taper and I overdose, or I drink too much and die from organ failure, or accident, or some shit. Hopefully I just stop breathing when asleep, right? That's the most peaceful way to go I imagine. Now pre-death stress, no preparation, just an accidental transcendence into the womb of the motherly void.
G'night pals, and cheers. Life is nice, smell the flowers of Spring time, and enjoy the summer, even if the Sun gets a bit too hot for comfort. It's all cool in the end, cause even if the bees are all gone and there is no more honey, and we all suffocate in a dying atmosphere, THIS is still happening, and the root of it, the source and cause of everything, will still remain as it is, in eternal emptiness somehow?
yes. |
