|>> || 1586298704368.png -(2670817B / 2.55MB, 2000x1246) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. >>227437 |
Dude is probably long gone, but I had a similar but far more intense thing a couple years back during my first actual psychotic break after I OD'd (~1.5g over the night, I was in a really bad place, that didn't help believe it or not lol).
I can't remember the exact order of events, but basically I hallucinated that SWAT were trying to raid my apartment. I started dosing at around 5pm and it was around 3am that I finally took my last redose and an indeterminate amount of time later this all happened.
I think the first thing I hallucinated was the flashing blue and red lights of police cars very realistically coming through my blinds. I'm a little uneasy at this point but I think that I at least partially understood it was a hallucination. When I went to do the normal, paranoid ritual I do on stimulants of pacing around my apartment and looking out my peephole every 5 minutes, I see two police officers standing outside my door clear as day.
Just standing there. Menacing. A man and a woman. Standing there as if they had already knocked, but I had heard nothing. The lights are still pouring in strong as ever and I see the red and blue coming through the vestibule window in the hallway when I look out. I can hear indistinct radio chatter. I get a feeling, that unique feeling of dread you get whenever you get involved with law enforcement on psychedelics. I get the feeling someone's right behind me but I don't feel compelled to turn around and check. I looked out the peephole for what must've been five minutes, but they just stood there. Not statically, they shifted around like people do. They talked to each other and I could hear indistinct human voices, realistically muffled.
At this point I was instantly thrown into survival mode. Now definitively past the point of no return when it came to realizing this wasn't happening. I considered fight but even then I knew my chances were slim to none. So then flight. No good. My apartment's on the fourth floor. In the end I chose freeze. I sat down on my couch, crossed my legs, and started to casually smoke a cigarette. If I was going to go out, I'd go out with grace.
I should mention, this whole time I felt less that they were coming to raid my apartment and more that they were coming to extrajudicially execute me.
The cigarette disappeared from my hand as I was smoking it, I didn't have any cigarettes, I use gum. Instead of shocking me out of it, as best I can recall my reaction to this was to mostly shrug it off, "about right", as if it was an ordinary occurrence.
Immediately after my cigarette disappears, I glance up out my patio window and I can see the silhouettes of two more people. Who I just knew, of course, were also cops. They too just sort of casually shifted around, waiting for the right moment. On my fourth floor balcony. Nothing out of the ordinary there apparently. Seeing this made me decide to get up and go to hide under my bed. Because they wouldn't look under there or something. As I opened the door, the lights were as strong as ever through my bedroom window too. I saw two more silhouettes of people who appeared to be hanging from ropes. Doesn't register. If anything would've, this would've, but it doesn't. I think "ah of course! a grappling hook! clever" and run into my bathroom, slam the door, and lock it. For some reason I turn off the light, and in the pitch black I see the lights dimly coming through under the seam in the door. I laid down in the fetal position and finally whited out, waiting for death.
I talked to my neighbor after the fact, none of this happened. Not even the lights.
About two years later, I started to develop bipolar with psychotic features. I've always struggled with mental health issues and there was a lot more drug abuse in that span of time than just this, although this was hands down my third worst OD. It's impossible to say that this or any specific event triggered my condition, but this was almost certainly an early sign of predisposition towards more serious mental illness than I was used to dealing with. Although the thing that ultimately did tip the scales was going on SSRIs, which made me manic enough to notice it for the first time. Looking back though, there were plenty of signs of what was to come even from when I was in high school and "just" had depression/anxiety.
Comment too long. Click here
to view the full text.