|>> || >>227112 |
It's terrifying honestly. It destroys the receptors for one of the most fundamental neurotransmitters in your brain almost irreversibly. Your brain can repair itself, but no where near the rate at which you're damaging it if you do MDMA daily or near daily for any long period of time, or even if you do it weekly for more than a few months. It starts with emotional problems, severe depression, inability to regulate mood, crippling anxiety, difficulty with interpersonal relationships, inappropriate reactions, bursts of anger, and things like that. I've seen people burst into tears at the slightest thing, things as trivial as not being able to open a package or dropping your food on the ground. Like you just saw your entire family killed in front of you levels. I've known people who have not left their bed for days at a time except to go to the bathroom, no food or water unless someone brings it to them, doing absolutely nothing. You can't cope with any sort of stress, you lash out at people, some people even self-harm or attempt suicide.
This sort of thing is really well known but isn't even the half of it. Like I said, serotonin is a critical neurotransmitter, it doesn't just affect emotions. You lose touch with reality completely. You get hallucinations, paranoia, and psychosis. You dissociate, you get derealization/depersonalization. From personal experience, I can tell you that you get into this state of mind where nothing seems real so everything seems plausible, and then you can't tell the difference between things that are probable and things that are plausible, so you doubt everything about reality, and you can't tell what's real and what isn't. This slowly transitions to full blown psychosis as you start to forget that hallucinations are hallucinations and your mind goes down these rabbit holes.
This is all made worse of course as you continue to take the drug. After taking it once or a twice a week for a couple months, there was one time I took probably a gram over the course of a night and I thought the police were raiding my apartment. I could see shadows of them outside my window and I hallucinated alternating red and blue lights. I looked through my peephole and saw two police officers standing outside my door clear as day, just standing there. I heard indistinct radio chatter. I felt a presence, and that unique sense of dread you get when the police are involved while you're on psychedelics. I went to look out my window and I saw the shadows of two people standing on my balcony. I didn't think once "what are they doing how did they get there?" I thought "Damn they're planning an ambush" I went to my room and outside my window I saw the shadow of a person lowering themselves down on a rope and just hanging there, outside the window of my 5th floor apartment. Instead of thinking "Ok, this can't be real, cops don't do that" I thought "Oh wow, a grappling hook, clever", and I went into my bathroom, locked the door, turned off the lights and just laid there on the floor in the fetal position, as the red and blue lights poured under the door until I whited out. I figured when I came to that the lights must've been real and they were there for a neighbor and I made the rest up, nope, I talked to my neighbor the next day, not even that happened (he also offered to take me to the rehab center he went to for meth which I eventually took him up on).
It affects your memory too, in a huge way. Long-term and short-term. After a certain point it's almost like being on Xanax, you forget what you're doing as you're doing it, you can't remember things that you've known all your life.
There are lots of physical side-effects too. That infamous trouble urinating sticks with you 24/7, you lose all sexual drive when not on the drug, your body is racked from constant dehydration, your joints are stiff, your muscles are sore and prone to cramping, your mouth and throat is constantly dry, your vision is blurry, for some people their hair even starts to fall out.
Luckily, I didn't go on for very long and I'm pretty much back to baseline beyond having bipolar with psychotic features, which the doctors claim I probably would've gotten anyway since drugs can't directly cause a mental illness, but not nearly as severely. Even that is well managed at this point and I'm a normal functional person again, but it could've gone very differently, and did go very differently for quite a few people that I knew personally. Other drugs were involved, but MDMA