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"Hi, I'm Doctor Millburn, and you are?"
"GRUNT-GRUNT! THAG NOT WANT FRIEND, THAG WANT MONEY! GRUNT-GRUNT!"
"I can tell by your diction, mohawk and facial tattoos that you must be the geologist."
"THAG LOVE 'OCK!"
"I sure hope the apostrophe represents an 'R'."
"All crew, brace for entry."
"Whoa, weather! Whoa, mountains!"
"These things are surprises? Didn't we do a scan from orbit?"
"Fuck, I knew we forgot something! Where the hell are we even going?"
"There's some metal and shit on the scanners or something. I don't know. It sure would be nice if we could look into this while not barrelling through the atmosphere. You know, it's hard to make rational decisions when plummeting from the sky."
"There! It's a straight line that I just spotted, through the window, with my eyes. It's surely not the work of God. That's clearly the place."
"Can you land us there?"
"My dick is large. Touchdown!"
"Alright, everyone get your suits on, we're going in."
"Uh, there are only six hours of sunlight left and we know absolutely nothing about this place. Just running into...whatever this is seems really stupid to me."
"It's Christmas, I gotta open my presents."
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?"
"That I haven't developed emotionally or intellectually since grade 9."
"That's because of the brain tumor, right?"
"Someone restrain Holloway. Does anyone on board have any sort of training in psychology?"
"What's that? We couldn't hear you, we were too busy putting on our suits."
"WHOOHOO!" - The survey team ride out on The General Lee, playing its characteristic horn song.
"Hey, this is a neat room. Preliminary scans indicate that it's a breathable atmosphere."
"Nice! Time to take my helmet off!"
"No, Holloway, that's fucking stupid and we're already doing something fucking stupid."
"Hey, my helmet's off and I haven't died instantly!"
"Someone restrain Holloway, someone on the ship get some combination of a brig and quarantine room prepped."
"Sorry, none of us heard you over the sound of us all taking our helmets off."
"THAG USE PUPS!"
(Fifield howls like a lobotomized coyote as he releases a pair of drones he pulled out of a bag labeled "Wal-mart")
"Oh shit, what's that? It's some huge alien spectral thing running right at us! And through us and...there it goes."
"What was it running from?"
"Maybe it was running from...(shutters)...the script."
"Hey, what's with this pile of bodies?"
"Okay, that's it, I'm out. We have no idea what this place is, what's going on here, we just came racing in on a whim for some reason. What we do know is that something killed a shit ton of beings that are so advanced that they had interstellar travel tens of thousands of years ago. Also, the sun is going down in a few hours and we have no idea what happens here at night as we didn't bother observing the planet from orbit for 24 hours...or one hour...or at all. I think that we should split up the group and that Fifield and I should return to the ship, alone, by ourselves."
"THAG THINK THAT MILLBURN MAKE LOGICAL AND RATIONAL ARGUMENT EXCEPT FOR SPLIT UP PART."
"Fine, fuck off you fucking cowards!"
(Fifield and Millburn walk away, down separate hallways. Realizing their mistake they return and start walking away from each other again, this time down the opposite hallways. Again they realize their mistake and return to one another)
(Fifield and Milburn walk away, down a different hallway than that from which the group originally arrived)
(Suddenly a door opens. David looks guiltily around as he removes his erect penis from a wall control panel.)
"Wow, that sure is a big head."
"Thank you, Liz, I was manufactured to exceptional specifications."
"What is this? It's like, a bunch of cylinders and stuff. No one touch anything!"
(David looks up guiltily as he briefly stops performing cunnilingus on one of the urns and immediately returns to his cunnilingus)
"Look, the room is changing!"
(The room beings to react biochemically probably to the presence of the group of full retards)
Tune in next week when The Best Crew In The Universe continue their adventure in Part Two: We Were Spessmens!