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420chan is Getting Overhauled - Changelog/Bug Report/Request Thread (Updated July 26)

Lookery Lookery, Its time for some Cookery

- Sun, 12 May 2019 23:51:29 EST +dP4Cnba No.158493
File: 1557719489847.jpg -(17237B / 16.83KB, 400x390) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Lookery Lookery, Its time for some Cookery
I'm bringing the science. I'm bringing the bad grammar.
I'm here to ruin your life.

Aromatic vegetables. You slice them up using a knife that is sharp. You cook them on a low temperature (sweating) until they are clear, they start to melt, then smell delicious. You use a fat, oil or lipid of some variety to keep them from sticking, you listen to how they sound. If they scream, you are hurting them, let them sing to you, telling you they love their warm new home and are making lots of flavor friends.

Salt is two things in balance, Sodium, a metal that burns when in contact with air or water, and chlorine, a corrosive poison that kills your lungs if you breathe it. Salt comes with iodine, it is good to have that in your diet, you need some of it or you will start to bleed uncontrollably similar to scurvy. More on that later.

Salt is essential for life. You need it or you will die. You eat too much of it and you will pop your blood-tubes. Don't eat garbage food and you will never have to worry about salt intake.

You put salt on the aromatic vegetables, then they let their water out into the pan, the water boils and turns into steam, which leaves the pan. The flavor is now more concentrated and more delicious than before.

Pepper, black pepper. It comes from little seeds that when ground up are full of aromatic chemicals and a few psychoactive ones. You can get high from black pepper, but right now we're cooking with it. You have onion? Okay good, smells nice, tasty, but what if you put black pepper and onion together? The aromatic chemicals in these two things combine when heated, and you get new aromatic chemicals, and even better flavor.

Ok, so that is why you season your trinity, mirepoix, soffritto, et al.

You want more science, you want more cooking? Lets talk.
Gaston Acurio - Mon, 13 May 2019 10:06:21 EST +dP4Cnba No.158498 Reply
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You got three chromosomes when you should have had two, but fuck it korean pig, i'll tell you a story.

So I'm in Guangshan, small provincial town near Guangzhou, and we've just done the kungfu meet and greet, spent some time at the city fair and got fucking ruined on mijiu (rice wine normally used for cooking) mixed with fanta, then yelled born in the USA lyrics out of tuktuk.

We hit dinner of some random alley place that is open late. They got dogs in cages out back, but fuck it. We order, they go out back with a hammer and we grab a beer and follow. They beat the dog in the head with a hammer, a few hits until it dies, then strip its leg off at the shoulder and start skinning it, throw it on some coals and slow bbq it, then serve it with a sweet and spicy sauce, some rice and bitter melon.

Fuck if I know if that's how you do it. But it tastes like goat.


Acidity is the most important factor in making a superb crock pot meal or a basic one.

Depending on time frame and diet, it can be anything from apple cider vinegar, pork shoulder, garlic, onion, chili, and bourbon with a few spoons of brown sugar. Which will give it sweet, heat, and lots of savory, while helping to break down the connective tissue.

If you're doing that, give it 4 hours at 80. Sear first if you really want to, but it won't matter.

Chicken is a no brainer. Just cube thigh, or breast, add root vegetables, stock or stock mix, wine, mushrooms, baby onions. You can throw in pickles if you're a mad cunt. They come out great.

Basic equation is meat+acid+heat+time==soft meat, lots of flavor and well developed broth.

Now for me, I don't go past lamb shanks.

This one I'll go all out, but do cheat and use it for the pulled pork or chicken.

Mirepoix, big chunks of carrot, onion, celery. Salt and pepper, give it an hour on low, lid off, touch of butter.

Mushrooms, sliced or whole, who cares, maybe a potato or two, doesn't matter I make mash to go on the side, but it will be delicious either way.

Lamb shanks, nothing done to them, you could, but lets keep it basic.

Lamb sits on veggies, fill with stock and red wine. A bold, strong wine. Drink the other half of the bottle while you wait, you're going to want to wait like 8 hours. Like night before sort of thing.

You can garlic, but you don't have to. I do. It goes in here, not before.

When I say stock, since we're basic. I mean water and some dry cubes. We can talk later if you really want to do something better.

Mashed potato.

Boil potato, I like the skin, most people don't. Skin has the nutrition. Either way, boil until they going to fall apart.

Strain them, let them sit there steaming.

Take the pot, put in butter, put in rosemary and black pepper, put in cloves or roasted garlic, put in whatever you think potato deserves to taste like.

My wife likes em, 4 potato, 2 oz butter, 2 oz cream cheese, black pepper and garlic.

You do you.

Now the hard part. Do not fuck this up.

Stir them. Don't whip them, don't mash them. If you have a food mill you can grind them gently, but keep their texture, they need to have creamyness and you don't get that by using beaters or a whisk.

Do less, let the lumps break open in glorious creamy goodness. Because a potato should taste like a potato and feel like a potato.

Oh and when you pull the lamb out, those vegetables, Just smash em up or eat em as is. They fucking good, but if you put a bit of flour in with them and heat them, then put them through the blender the sauce is great. I add fresh mint leaves to the blender if I bother, as the mint goes great with the wine.

pic related: its a sichuan style rabbit head
Alexis Soyer - Mon, 13 May 2019 10:37:28 EST It3C0mHQ No.158499 Reply
>They beat the dog in the head with a hammer, a few hits until it dies

That's kinda fucked up. I guess it's the best they can do under the circumstances but man, what a way to go.
Thomas Edwards - Tue, 14 May 2019 11:27:43 EST f2wmeu/m No.158511 Reply

wrong tropical island.

more guns, fewer japanese invasions.
Claude Troisgros - Tue, 14 May 2019 19:41:56 EST Dvf4I01y No.158516 Reply

fewer japanese invasions, not more.

does anyone want to talk about cooking or just guess my nationality?
Paula Deen - Tue, 14 May 2019 20:41:47 EST 743/q9c6 No.158517 Reply
Most island people are nice, so you're a real standout.

I already know how to cook jolly african-american. Teach me something I don't know, like how to marinade a hand gun or something.
Ludovic Lefebvre - Wed, 15 May 2019 00:29:41 EST Dvf4I01y No.158519 Reply
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First make sure it is unloaded, I prefer to cook it bone in for maximum flavor, but you can do it either way.

Rub a mix of coconut oil, pineapple juice and guava paste with dried chili flake all over, make sure to get it right down the barrel, into the magazine or in each chamber if using a revolver (cook times may vary), traditionally it is wrapped in banana leaf and buried in sand, then coals piled on top and it slowly left to cook over the course of hours. If you are doing this at the beach, make sure you do it well above the high tide line, as nobody wants a cold wet firearm for dinner.
Ludovic Lefebvre - Wed, 15 May 2019 00:31:43 EST Dvf4I01y No.158520 Reply
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BTW I love that Paula Deen is the one to call people Jolly Negro
Joseph Favre - Wed, 15 May 2019 12:20:13 EST qoDCTsfZ No.158525 Reply
Sweet, is this usable for carbines and pork as well?

They all look the same to me.

t. Someone who used to be Paula Deen
Ludovic Lefebvre - Wed, 15 May 2019 13:27:29 EST Dvf4I01y No.158526 Reply

Carbines you gotta clean really good and use lots of hot sauce otherwise it tastes crap.

Carbine bbq is like the pumpkin pie of the school cafeteria
Johann-Carl Leuchs - Thu, 16 May 2019 07:22:07 EST RDs7KYLs No.158545 Reply
>Not cooking for 10 seconds on near-smoking high heat.
Does Americans and not love freedom or liberty anymore? Good chinaman love justice fight for good proper cooking american not wok filthy dog chanamen wok 50+ hours a week Americans used ti love china bot now smile as law evil corruption their freedom
Michel Troisgros - Mon, 20 May 2019 23:57:49 EST sNjpViRm No.158595 Reply
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If anyone actually wants helping improving their cooking, the offer stands, despite your rifle shenanigans.
Dextrolord - Tue, 21 May 2019 00:10:14 EST T6OSElEX No.158597 Reply
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I like to cook me a dank breakfast burrito every now and then. I use scrambled eggs, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, cheddar cheese, and whatever random spices I feel like in the moment.

Any tips on how to make my breakfast burrito any better??
Alton Brown - Wed, 22 May 2019 11:28:02 EST sNjpViRm No.158634 Reply
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Cook times. Cook mushrooms wet then dry, onions and peppers get the same treatment shortly after. Put heat to very low for the eggs and stir constantly to get silky texture and avoid crispy bits. Cheese goes in the wrap but go easy on it, as less is more.

Try Huitlacoche in place of mushrooms if you feel adventurous. Same goes from pickled peppers.

Fresh diced cilantro and white onion with lime juice and a touch of crema, or salted sour cream really make the flavors pop and get that saliva flowing.
Georges Blanc - Wed, 22 May 2019 12:07:24 EST uWsuDQfe No.158635 Reply
What those doods said, also salsa or guac
Michael Symon - Wed, 22 May 2019 14:01:48 EST BbPAH7FB No.158636 Reply
Alton how the actual fuck do you dice cilantro? I'm starting to doubt you're the real Al Brow. >:L
Ferran Adrià - Thu, 23 May 2019 00:42:03 EST FMxX/Xaf No.158638 Reply
chiff it. just roll it up and chop finely. not really a dice tho. I dont like it when people on the internet pretend to be gods of anything. so OP can forever suck my butthole.
Heston Blumenthal - Thu, 23 May 2019 06:53:05 EST sNjpViRm No.158642 Reply
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First there this thing called chiffonade, but if you want your cilantro in big chunks that cool too.

So you take the cilantro, and you roll it into a very tight little bundle on some kitchen paper (you don't have to, but if you're not used to finely cutting herbs it helps), then you carefully shave small pieces off it using a sharp knife.

The onion you want in little bitty tiny pieces, or strings, or diced, depends how much you like onion. But white onion with cilantro and lime juice, yeah, i'll just eat a bowl of that with a spoon.


I'll suck your butthole and your dick if you post a picture of a dish that you have made well and plated adequately.

Didn't use the magic french words in a thread where I want to help people get better at cookery? Must consume genitals.

no gods, no masters, let do as thou wilt be the whole of the law

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