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420chan is Getting Overhauled - Changelog/Bug Report/Request Thread (Updated April 10)
Lookery Lookery, Its time for some Cookery Ignore Report Reply
Pierre McFucksyourwife Bonjour - Sun, 12 May 2019 23:51:29 EST ID:+dP4Cnba No.158493
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I'm bringing the science. I'm bringing the bad grammar.
I'm here to ruin your life.

Aromatic vegetables. You slice them up using a knife that is sharp. You cook them on a low temperature (sweating) until they are clear, they start to melt, then smell delicious. You use a fat, oil or lipid of some variety to keep them from sticking, you listen to how they sound. If they scream, you are hurting them, let them sing to you, telling you they love their warm new home and are making lots of flavor friends.

Salt is two things in balance, Sodium, a metal that burns when in contact with air or water, and chlorine, a corrosive poison that kills your lungs if you breathe it. Salt comes with iodine, it is good to have that in your diet, you need some of it or you will start to bleed uncontrollably similar to scurvy. More on that later.

Salt is essential for life. You need it or you will die. You eat too much of it and you will pop your blood-tubes. Don't eat garbage food and you will never have to worry about salt intake.

You put salt on the aromatic vegetables, then they let their water out into the pan, the water boils and turns into steam, which leaves the pan. The flavor is now more concentrated and more delicious than before.

Pepper, black pepper. It comes from little seeds that when ground up are full of aromatic chemicals and a few psychoactive ones. You can get high from black pepper, but right now we're cooking with it. You have onion? Okay good, smells nice, tasty, but what if you put black pepper and onion together? The aromatic chemicals in these two things combine when heated, and you get new aromatic chemicals, and even better flavor.

Ok, so that is why you season your trinity, mirepoix, soffritto, et al.

You want more science, you want more cooking? Lets talk.
Adolphe Gérard - Mon, 13 May 2019 00:23:00 EST ID:vmFFLRQJ No.158494 Ignore Report Reply
how do you cook a dog
François Vatel - Mon, 13 May 2019 00:49:06 EST ID:5WdELw/2 No.158495 Ignore Report Reply
with enough heat to make it hot
Philippe Édouard Cauderlier - Mon, 13 May 2019 04:10:10 EST ID:8jhkEV17 No.158496 Ignore Report Reply
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basic crock pot recipes go
Gaston Acurio - Mon, 13 May 2019 10:06:21 EST ID:+dP4Cnba No.158498 Ignore Report Reply
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You got three chromosomes when you should have had two, but fuck it korean pig, i'll tell you a story.

So I'm in Guangshan, small provincial town near Guangzhou, and we've just done the kungfu meet and greet, spent some time at the city fair and got fucking ruined on mijiu (rice wine normally used for cooking) mixed with fanta, then yelled born in the USA lyrics out of tuktuk.

We hit dinner of some random alley place that is open late. They got dogs in cages out back, but fuck it. We order, they go out back with a hammer and we grab a beer and follow. They beat the dog in the head with a hammer, a few hits until it dies, then strip its leg off at the shoulder and start skinning it, throw it on some coals and slow bbq it, then serve it with a sweet and spicy sauce, some rice and bitter melon.

Fuck if I know if that's how you do it. But it tastes like goat.


Acidity is the most important factor in making a superb crock pot meal or a basic one.

Depending on time frame and diet, it can be anything from apple cider vinegar, pork shoulder, garlic, onion, chili, and bourbon with a few spoons of brown sugar. Which will give it sweet, heat, and lots of savory, while helping to break down the connective tissue.

If you're doing that, give it 4 hours at 80. Sear first if you really want to, but it won't matter.

Chicken is a no brainer. Just cube thigh, or breast, add root vegetables, stock or stock mix, wine, mushrooms, baby onions. You can throw in pickles if you're a mad cunt. They come out great.

Basic equation is meat+acid+heat+time==soft meat, lots of flavor and well developed broth.

Now for me, I don't go past lamb shanks.

This one I'll go all out, but do cheat and use it for the pulled pork or chicken.

Mirepoix, big chunks of carrot, onion, celery. Salt and pepper, give it an hour on low, lid off, touch of butter.

Mushrooms, sliced or whole, who cares, maybe a potato or two, doesn't matter I make mash to go on the side, but it will be delicious either way.

Lamb shanks, nothing done to them, you could, but lets keep it basic.

Lamb sits on veggies, fill with stock and red wine. A bold, strong wine. Drink the other half of the bottle while you wait, you're going to want to wait like 8 hours. Like night before sort of thing.

You can garlic, but you don't have to. I do. It goes in here, not before.

When I say stock, since we're basic. I mean water and some dry cubes. We can talk later if you really want to do something better.

Mashed potato.

Boil potato, I like the skin, most people don't. Skin has the nutrition. Either way, boil until they going to fall apart.

Strain them, let them sit there steaming.

Take the pot, put in butter, put in rosemary and black pepper, put in cloves or roasted garlic, put in whatever you think potato deserves to taste like.

My wife likes em, 4 potato, 2 oz butter, 2 oz cream cheese, black pepper and garlic.

You do you.

Now the hard part. Do not fuck this up.

Stir them. Don't whip them, don't mash them. If you have a food mill you can grind them gently, but keep their texture, they need to have creamyness and you don't get that by using beaters or a whisk.

Do less, let the lumps break open in glorious creamy goodness. Because a potato should taste like a potato and feel like a potato.

Oh and when you pull the lamb out, those vegetables, Just smash em up or eat em as is. They fucking good, but if you put a bit of flour in with them and heat them, then put them through the blender the sauce is great. I add fresh mint leaves to the blender if I bother, as the mint goes great with the wine.

pic related: its a sichuan style rabbit head
Alexis Soyer - Mon, 13 May 2019 10:37:28 EST ID:It3C0mHQ No.158499 Ignore Report Reply
>They beat the dog in the head with a hammer, a few hits until it dies

That's kinda fucked up. I guess it's the best they can do under the circumstances but man, what a way to go.
François Marin - Mon, 13 May 2019 19:39:47 EST ID:kBlYlMIf No.158505 Ignore Report Reply
>Acidity is the most important factor
pinoy detected
Thomas Edwards - Tue, 14 May 2019 11:27:43 EST ID:f2wmeu/m No.158511 Ignore Report Reply

wrong tropical island.

more guns, fewer japanese invasions.
Rick Moonen - Tue, 14 May 2019 14:04:45 EST ID:+LBlzLPY No.158513 Ignore Report Reply
oh shit

Idk, puerto rico? who has lots of guns?
Paul Thalamas - Tue, 14 May 2019 19:27:08 EST ID:xnRxN8gm No.158515 Ignore Report Reply
My guess: indonesia.
Claude Troisgros - Tue, 14 May 2019 19:41:56 EST ID:Dvf4I01y No.158516 Ignore Report Reply

fewer japanese invasions, not more.

does anyone want to talk about cooking or just guess my nationality?
Paula Deen - Tue, 14 May 2019 20:41:47 EST ID:743/q9c6 No.158517 Ignore Report Reply
Most island people are nice, so you're a real standout.

I already know how to cook jolly african-american. Teach me something I don't know, like how to marinade a hand gun or something.
Ludovic Lefebvre - Wed, 15 May 2019 00:29:41 EST ID:Dvf4I01y No.158519 Ignore Report Reply
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First make sure it is unloaded, I prefer to cook it bone in for maximum flavor, but you can do it either way.

Rub a mix of coconut oil, pineapple juice and guava paste with dried chili flake all over, make sure to get it right down the barrel, into the magazine or in each chamber if using a revolver (cook times may vary), traditionally it is wrapped in banana leaf and buried in sand, then coals piled on top and it slowly left to cook over the course of hours. If you are doing this at the beach, make sure you do it well above the high tide line, as nobody wants a cold wet firearm for dinner.
Ludovic Lefebvre - Wed, 15 May 2019 00:31:43 EST ID:Dvf4I01y No.158520 Ignore Report Reply
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BTW I love that Paula Deen is the one to call people Jolly Negro
Tyler Florence - Wed, 15 May 2019 10:01:57 EST ID:bHKTYAht No.158524 Ignore Report Reply
lol, they got poochie in there.
Joseph Favre - Wed, 15 May 2019 12:20:13 EST ID:qoDCTsfZ No.158525 Ignore Report Reply
Sweet, is this usable for carbines and pork as well?

They all look the same to me.

t. Someone who used to be Paula Deen
Ludovic Lefebvre - Wed, 15 May 2019 13:27:29 EST ID:Dvf4I01y No.158526 Ignore Report Reply

Carbines you gotta clean really good and use lots of hot sauce otherwise it tastes crap.

Carbine bbq is like the pumpkin pie of the school cafeteria
Mario Batali - Thu, 16 May 2019 04:39:01 EST ID:dJCyDoqI No.158541 Ignore Report Reply
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>carbine bbq
Johann-Carl Leuchs - Thu, 16 May 2019 07:22:07 EST ID:RDs7KYLs No.158545 Ignore Report Reply
>Not cooking for 10 seconds on near-smoking high heat.
Does Americans and not love freedom or liberty anymore? Good chinaman love justice fight for good proper cooking american not wok filthy dog chanamen wok 50+ hours a week Americans used ti love china bot now smile as law evil corruption their freedom
Mario Batali - Mon, 20 May 2019 21:32:21 EST ID:BbPAH7FB No.158593 Ignore Report Reply
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>>158525 >>158526 >>158541
Michel Troisgros - Mon, 20 May 2019 23:57:49 EST ID:sNjpViRm No.158595 Ignore Report Reply
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If anyone actually wants helping improving their cooking, the offer stands, despite your rifle shenanigans.
Robert Irvine - Tue, 21 May 2019 00:06:22 EST ID:CMCNVE2A No.158596 Ignore Report Reply
suck my dick
Dextrolord - Tue, 21 May 2019 00:10:14 EST ID:T6OSElEX No.158597 Ignore Report Reply
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I like to cook me a dank breakfast burrito every now and then. I use scrambled eggs, onions, bell peppers, tomatoes, mushrooms, cheddar cheese, and whatever random spices I feel like in the moment.

Any tips on how to make my breakfast burrito any better??
Wolfgang Puck - Wed, 22 May 2019 11:07:44 EST ID:jvQb0sSs No.158633 Ignore Report Reply
Alton Brown - Wed, 22 May 2019 11:28:02 EST ID:sNjpViRm No.158634 Ignore Report Reply
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Cook times. Cook mushrooms wet then dry, onions and peppers get the same treatment shortly after. Put heat to very low for the eggs and stir constantly to get silky texture and avoid crispy bits. Cheese goes in the wrap but go easy on it, as less is more.

Try Huitlacoche in place of mushrooms if you feel adventurous. Same goes from pickled peppers.

Fresh diced cilantro and white onion with lime juice and a touch of crema, or salted sour cream really make the flavors pop and get that saliva flowing.
Georges Blanc - Wed, 22 May 2019 12:07:24 EST ID:uWsuDQfe No.158635 Ignore Report Reply
What those doods said, also salsa or guac
Michael Symon - Wed, 22 May 2019 14:01:48 EST ID:BbPAH7FB No.158636 Ignore Report Reply
Alton how the actual fuck do you dice cilantro? I'm starting to doubt you're the real Al Brow. >:L

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