| >> | >>132526
There's kind of a spectrum of believability, most of the time I don't entirely believe what I'm experiencing is real, but it's so believable that I have to keep snapping myself out of it, and sometimes I just get so caught up in what's happening that I don't do that. I've only been manic to the point of full-blown psychosis a few times, and when it happens I typically blackout for most of it, with only bits and pieces.
The kind of psychosis that I'm infinitely more familiar with is stimulant psychosis. For an example, there was one night where I did a gram of ecstasy over the course of a night and ended up believing that the police were coming to get me. Not in the way you feel when you smoke too much weed. I saw flashing red and blue lights that shone through my windows and made realistic shadows. I felt that eerie presence you feel when lots of people are near you and there's a lot of action going on. I felt this intense feeling of dread and impending doom, it's a unique feeling that you really only get when you're tripping incredibly hard and police are involved, I've felt it before on acid when the police were called on a party I was throwing, and a couple other times during close calls.
I then looked out my peephole and saw two police officers just waiting outside my door clear as day. I heard the beep of a walky-talky and indiscernible radio chatter. At this point I was resigned to my fate and I sat down on my couch and smoked a cigarette and waited for the inevitable. Minor point, but I didn't have any cigarettes then and I never smoke inside, so that just didn't happen.
Anyway, as I was sitting there the lights continue to flash, they pulsed in exactly the same way as police lights do. I look out my patio window and I see the shadows of two people, just standing on my balcony. Presumably cops. I didn't question how they got there or why they were waiting, they looked like they were just having a casual conversation. So at this point I get the idea to go hide in my room, maybe under my bed, obviously that wouldn't stop police from arresting me but it felt like what I should do.
As I'm walking into my room, the lights are as strong as ever and see the shadow of a cop lowering himself down from the roof on a rope and hanging there in front of my window. My first thought wasn't "cops don't do this snap out of it" it was "oh, of course, a grappling hook, clever". So I run into my bathroom, lock the door, turn off the lights and lay on the floor in the fetal position, as red and blue lights pour under the seam of the door until I white out, and come to several hours later. As one does. When I woke up, it still felt real but I could almost ignore that. I assumed that the police must've come but for someone else and my brain made up the rest, they were probably standing outside my door seeing if it was the right address. Nope. NONE of this happened. It took me months to fully internalize that it was entirely psychosis and even to this day when I think about it my heart skips a beat. |
