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It's a thin line between balls and stupidity, I'm really not sure which it was that drove me to go back to high doses after that experience because the terror, dread, panic and helplessness were all truly beyond comprehension. I can't put 1% of it into words. However, I built my way back up to that dose range through several trips and sort of tried to focus on the effects that landed me in the bad trip the first time. Analyzing them while upping the dose gradually allowed me to get more comfortable with them and let them take over me without trying to hold on to dear life and my sanity.
None of my ego death experiences were something I was actively trying to achieve. I never went into it thinking "can't wait to have an ego death". What's funny is that when my trip happened, I knew I was taking a dose that could get me to an ego death, but I was still naively thinking it wouldn't happen for some reason, and failed to recognize the symptoms as the experience began to suck me in. Each time I had one, it just took it's course and it's something you have to be ready for when taking doses in the ~500ug range, or even lower. People who actively try to achieve an ego death will usually do so through meditation. Getting into a deeply relaxed state increases your chances so if you're not one for meditation, you could put on some relaxing tunes and just lie down with your eyes closed. You could say that this, too, is a form of meditation though.
As for the feeling itself, I know this is a lazy answer to give but it can't be put into words. The experience is just so far outside the realm of our normal experience that there is hardly a reference point to compare it to. In trying to explain something to someone who hasn't experienced it, we rely on comparisons but there's just nothing to compare it to. I will rely on comparisons that don't do it justice though, as my best attempt to describe it.
It feels like you just spawned into this world with no prior knowledge of any of its concepts. People, things, feelings, time, language, your senses and the entirety of yourself are a complete unknown and you're not even quite sure where any of these start and the others begin. Imagine being a newborn in terms of knowledge gained through life, but with the brain of an adult when it comes to its ability to process thoughts. It's like experiencing everything around you and inside you for the very first time and you haven't learned to identify with your body as "you", so it feels like your consciousness is all-encompassing. It puts into perspective how many of the things you thought were a natural part of your life actually had to be etched into your brain through experience and how much of a blank slate you are without your memories of even the most trivial of things. "Blank slate" is a term I've often used to try and describe ego death because it turns you into one. Your preconceived notions, opinions and conclusions about everything cease to exist entirely, as do "you". You don't identify with your body any more than you do with your environment or the stars in the sky or the people around you, so it feels like all of this is you. Also, because time as a concept seems to exist and this expansion of consciousness happens, it can feel like you are everything, everywhere and forever, and it feels like this is how things have always been and how they always will be. You can see how this is a basis for an amazing experience if you're in a comfortable set and setting and a basis for a terrifying one if your set and setting aren't good.
When on the edge of an ego death you can be in a sort of limbo between it and reality where you get some of the effects of it but aren't experiencing it fully which results in extremely bizarre and sometimes paradoxical and seemingly paranormal effects. Sometimes time and space distortions become so severe that some of your senses register certain events happening at different times than some of your other senses. To give a real world example, I was once absolutely amazed how my hand unmistakably feels the leaves on a tree entire seconds before my eyes register it reaching the leaves and my ears hearing the leaves rustling. Seconds may not seem like much but when your senses are completely out of sync it's an incredibly weird but incredibly int…
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