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>feels like FOMO for lack of a better wordit's such a novel experience and i'm really disappointed that i can't explore it without getting scared. it's such an otherworldly thing. i don't mean it in like, a mystical talking to the cosmos sense. it's just so far detached from anything i have ever experienced in my normal life that i feel like i'm doing myself a disservice by not investigating it further. like, walking into a cave and seeing all manner of interesting things inside, but being too scared to walk further in.
i'm definitely jealous of friends who can take a hit of acid at a concert, because i have to do other drugs instead. i just cannot keep my composure. maybe it's different with very small doses, and maybe i could try tiny amounts and progressively ramp up so i'm more familiar with the shallow experience first.
>I may be wrong! but that one trip at 17 sounded barely thresholdi definitely think psychedelics affect me much more strongly. the first experience on 25C was very dissimilar in the level of intensity to any of the later ones, but, it was also totally free of the anxiety. i get effects from a 200 mcg hit of LSD that is more similar to what people describe from DMT breakthroughs. i unzip from my body. it's very hard to put into words (it always is lmao), but i've talked to people who totally stay in control the whole time and literally only get visuals. like, breathing walls and flowing textures and stuff.
i'm like, not even looking out of my eyes most of the time on LSD. it sort of goes in waves, like i'll peak for a bit and i'm in this weird timeless place in my mind, very introspective, but while that's happening i'm not really in control of my body. my body just sort of operates and i'm not piloting it.
then, there's a sudden jump back into normal-ish reality, where i can carry a conversation and do activities, maybe go take a piss or whatever, and then 5 or 10 minutes later i'm suddenly back up in the mind headspace.
some of the feelings, it's hard to put into words. an example of being in the unzipped headspace, imagine like a long corridor, maybe in a hotel or something. and i feel like my skin is burning, and my adrenaline dumps and i think "okay you need to run right now because if you don't get out of here you are going to die here, this is no joke" and i think to myself "yeah ok sure, i'm fine though" and then the burning increases and i'm sprinting down the hallway but i can't get away fast enough, and the hallway is narrowing.
and in real life, my body is like, flailing or trying to figure out how to open a door, or frantically trying to open a window. then i come back into control and i'm in fairly shallow normal consciousness, and then 5 or 10 minutes later it repeats.
another example, i was outside and i felt like someone was going to shoot me. again, "you're going to get shot, you need to get out of here right now". and the burning feeling, it's like, if you smoke a joint and the side-stream smoke comes up and burns your eyes. or like, putting your hand under a heatlamp. a really uncomfortable dry heat.
but, i had this feeling i was going to be shot, and i kept trying to get behind my friend and my real body was like, practically throwing him around and trying to cover my body with him. and i ended up curled up on the ground covering my head and it all spiraled inward and when the "gunshot" would have happened everything peaked and then i was back in control.
there's this fear of death which is an everpresent theme, and i've only spoken to one other person who has had similar sort of experiences.
>Weed now gives me anxiety a lot of timei am a bit worried i fucked myself by smoking weed while tripping too. it took me a long time to make the connection, but when i smoke weed while tripping it fucking launches me into unbelievably intense and uncomfortable headspaces. at the time when i was using psychedelics, i was smoking every day. i remember one time i took a hit of acid and then like 30 minutes later i was smoking dabs. and after the hit, i looked out and there was a sort of spinning rainbow 007 barrel overlay on my vision (picrelated) and i thought "uh oh" and then i was pretty much gone for the night. anxiety and panicking headspaces and fear of my own death.
hopefully there is some meaning in the situations i have described, but there is not really a way to convey the actual feeling in words. i used to think that i was actually not allowed to. like in a religious "the divine being that is in control of the place when i am on LSD will not allow me to communicate what it is like when tripping". as if tripping is the "real reality" and sober reality is fake.
this is all very rambling and a stream of consciousness but here it is.