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Harm Reduction Notes for the COVID-19 Pandemic

#qq on IRC

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!GD3wBpep0Y - Sun, 13 Aug 2017 12:14:49 EST d5kHsYag No.518069
File: 1502640889138.jpg -(66697B / 65.13KB, 500x383) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. #qq on IRC
Hi folks,

If you're looking to talk to someone immediately about any problems you have in your life and have nobody close to you, come and speak to us!

Join us on IRC on #qq. Most of us have different time zones but if you stay there, one of us will be there.

Don't be afraid to speak up.
354 posts and 61 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
>>
Jack Bunstone - Sat, 30 May 2020 02:05:45 EST 7G6Iav9p No.534730 Reply
The thing is though,

>>534684
>>534685
>>534715
> you aren't a programmer
You're subhuman. That's it. You've lost. It's over. You're nothing more than a jolly african-american with swords.

>You beat yourself up but you don't look at why you failed or what you can take home from it.
The computer is trash. It can maintain stability once on, but seemingly can't maintain a boot record once losing prime power. fuck it. I didn't do anything wrong. Everyone else can enjoy a laptop with a stable boot record; I can't. Fuck it. I am not going to fight battles I can't win.

I've since played with a children's compound bow. It's REALLY weak. but more importantly it is incredibly stressful to fire. It came with fancy fibre optic sights, but only a front set and no rear peep. I've been able to artillery fire arrows by aiming using a piece of tape and the front sight in the back yard but the bow is still very weak and the arrows are hard to find among the grass, especially in the dark.

And it is incredibly stressful to fire. It is very hard to aim. There are no sights. Even putting tape on the string (that cannot adopt a sight; it's coated and solid) it's very difficult to aim let alone shoot consistently. It's still a compound bow, though, and is expected by everyone to be very accurate.
Comment too long. Click here to view the full text.
>>
Edwin Dinnerhut - Sat, 30 May 2020 18:48:48 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534738 Reply
>>534730
>You're subhuman. That's it. You've lost. It's over. You're nothing more than a jolly african-american with swords.
What the fuck are you talking about? Get ahold of yourself and make some sense. I can't even tell if your berating yourself or everyone else.
>>
Walter Smallson - Sun, 31 May 2020 14:54:50 EST 7G6Iav9p No.534754 Reply
>>534738
it me. because I am not skilled in the current meme stacks, I'm worthless and everything I do is pointless

cheated on, not even mad?

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- Sun, 31 May 2020 13:10:27 EST BNmGDLDE No.534752
File: 1590945027853.jpg -(48074B / 46.95KB, 721x723) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. cheated on, not even mad?
GF cheated on me.

This is my first relationship and I had felt like we were moving apart a little, but at the same time I thought we had been together for over a year and that initial high of the relationship had worn off and were still going. Never had an argument or anything.

Came home from the doing a little shopping, she had asked me a dozen times to "call before you leave the store in-case I decide I want anything" which obviously, I forgot to do. See a strange car in the driveway, figure a friend was over but no.

If she had asked me if it was ok to sleep with her old fuck buddy I would have said yes. I had thought about asking if an open relationship was possible because I want to see what being with another guy is like. But she didn't ask and I only found out because I came home early. I want to believer her but can I? How can I be sure?

So, I guess I have to ask myself if I want to be in an open relationship or move on?

If I do choose to stay and try out an open relationship? How can I forgive and learn to trust her again? Do I just forgive and move on or do I ask for some kind of gesture to show she is sorry? If so, what?
>>
Sidney Goffingdale - Sun, 31 May 2020 13:29:03 EST 3ScQQ4dj No.534753 Reply
believe her what?
stop being a stallion with the open relationship shit when you're clearly not comfortable with it, move on

Sentenced to jail time... again.

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- Sat, 30 May 2020 18:02:13 EST 3y+di+Hn No.534736
File: 1590876133857.jpg -(91193B / 89.06KB, 768x960) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Sentenced to jail time... again.
So, I ended up getting sentenced to a short jail sentence yesterday...
I've been to jail 3 times before, most of the time really short sentences ~3-5 days... My last sentence though, I started off in jail and after about a week, I got transferred to a state hospital and spent ~1 year 51/50'd in residential treatment facilities.
I've gotta check into jail in the beginning of September. It's going to be a short sentence, but I'm losing my mind at the anticipation of serving time. Haven't been allowed to drink or smoke for a year, and I really want to indulge, but at this current point in time the risks just don't seem worth it. I feel like my entire summer is fucked. I *may* have the opportunity to check into jail early and get all this shit over with-I qualify for house arrest, so there's a decent chance I'll be able to get it. While I know house arrest aint shit (and neither is a light jail sentence) I'm still fucking losing my mind over the concept of serving time. I'm claustrophobic and, combined with the other mental health issues I've got, this has made jail absolute fucking hell in the past.

In addition to all of that, I live with a parent and their SO right now, and coronavirus. They're super at risk and could easily die if they contract COVID, and I really don't want to get them sick. In addition, I am asthmatic and I also was recently hospitalized with a really bad case of pneumonia and would've died if I didn't go into the hospital & spent several weeks in the ICU. I still haven't recovered fully from the pneumonia yet... There was also a pretty big outbreak at the jail that I'll be serving time at, and it's been spreading like wildfire throughout my state.

I know this has to sound like bitching and moaning, but I am really concerned about going to fucking jail, man.

On the upsides: if I hadn't gotten sick, I'd actually still be serving time in jail right now on a much, much larger sentence, and I would've had to spend a minimum of ~3-5 years on probation, but I don't have to deal with any of that noise because of a kick ass attorney and pure fucking luck. Thank god I don't have to do probation after my upcoming jail sentence...

I found a couple of hotels that are offering month-month rentals right now, and even though its wayyyyyy out of my budget, I am considering trying to get a hotel to live in after I serve my jail sentence, as to avoid being a vector. Being broke is wayyyyyy better than losing my parent due to a stupid fucking jail sentence. Also, I'm figuring that if I do qualify for house arrest, and I can serve the time in a hotel room, I can just watch porn for a majority of the time, and it'll go by pretty damn quickly.

Any advice for coping with this? I've been having wicked fucking panic attacks because the anticipation is destroying me.
Also, does anyone have any good books they'd suggest that I could try to bring with me into jail to make the time go by quickly? I figure I'll try to bring the NA/AA big books, as I've always wanted to try and read through them, but I never had the discipline when I was in previous rehab stays... I definitely remember hearing speakers at AA/NA talk about how the big books completely transformed their experiences when they were locked up. I've tried to read the Bible, but that book was too damn boring.
4 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.

Need new friends, but don't have time to find new friends

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- Sat, 30 May 2020 08:46:00 EST zcMKtJVi No.534733
File: 1590842760883.jpg -(219833B / 214.68KB, 1600x1200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Need new friends, but don't have time to find new friends
Long story short:

>worked my ass off to finally invest in my hobbies (that are snorkeling and filming underwater)
>finally got all the equipment i need
>friends have congratulated me
>but noone ever wants to go out and leave their couch

>finally some free days, we all will have vacation soon
>noone interested in doing anything
> all they do is smoking weed or playing with warhammer figurines or sitting @ their homes together and playing board-games

>when I try to inspire them by showing them the footage of my last dive they are impressed
>but whine about it beeing expensive
>they spend up to 1000.- for costumes and conventions

how do I find new friends when I don't have the time due to workload and not the best social-skills (like forgetting names and faces, the inability to listen and care about the problems of others when my work-day ends) ?
2 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
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Edwin Dinnerhut - Sat, 30 May 2020 19:44:44 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534743 Reply
>>534733
Board games are awesome. I'd play warhammer but it's too costly. Not that I can't afford it but given the cost and what I'd get out of it, I cannot justify it. It's an economic decision. Not "I can't afford it" but "I'd rather spend the money and time on other things".

Your friends have committed their money to something they enjoy and they do it socially. Not everyone wants to play boardgames and warhammer and not everyone thinks diving sounds enough fun for that outlay. Your friends are happy that you're progressing your hobby and doing what you want but you cannot do the same for them. Some of your "not the best social skills" particularly not caring about problems isn't a lack of skills it's just you're very self centred. Your whole perspective neglects that other people have their own desires, wants, hangups priorities and different motives and tastes. Even if you're just not an empathic, caring or kind person it's worth learning to model for that to better understand other people's decisions and choices better.

As others have said, join a diving club. There are people who like diving. It takes a certain sort of weirdo to want to spend thousands on a hobby where you can't talk to the people as you do it. I suspect you'll be able to broaden your stable of friends. You will be happy, your diving buddies will be happy. Your friends will be happy for you. There is likely an on line presence especially if they're forward looking filming types. But if not then I guess it's worth asking at the places you got your gear.
>>
Graham Curringham - Sat, 30 May 2020 19:53:43 EST nYk6cnF0 No.534744 Reply
>>534733
Go to fhe popular dive spots early in the morning and talk to other divers.

Ghosted this girl I was seeing and now I feel like shit

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- Fri, 29 May 2020 18:39:18 EST 6yuOILUc No.534725
File: 1590791958356.jpg -(85845B / 83.83KB, 512x512) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Ghosted this girl I was seeing and now I feel like shit
I'm relieved as fuck to be out of that relationship, but I worry about her.

I'm like 90% sure we both knew the relationship was over when I split but the last thing she said to me got my hackles all up and I was dead inside by this point so I just blocked her on everything. This was about a month and a bit into her constantly telling me that she didn't care about anything, telling me not to call her babe or anything vaguely romantic, talking about killing herself, getting mad at me for trying to be positive because it was "hallmarky" (which what the fuck else am I supposed to do dude "i dont care about anything and i want to die" haha yeah how about that new assassins creed) and generally just indirectly calling me a dumbass every time I tried anything to help and then getting mad at me for not texting her as much when every time ended with her saying some wild shit and then turning it around on me for the way I tried to help without ever telling me how she wanted me to help, sending me one word texts and then getting pissy with me for making jokes and trying to carry the conversation on my own. it's fucking exhausting emotionally and mentally and I had nothing left to give her.

So I'm angry and fed up and I block her because I barely have the energy to brush my teeth after like a month and a half of trying to be her therapist and getting shit on constantly for trying and, again I don't blame her for it this is just what she's been conditioned to do from past relationships and mental illness that's never been effectively treated, I know that if I had said "hey this isn't working, I think we should break up" she would've hit me with something like WELL SINCE NOBODY CARES ABOUT ME ILL JUST GO KILL MYSELF THEN BYE.

I don't regret leaving. She's a good person underneath the bullshit but I just couldn't handle it anymore, but now I'm worried that me ghosting her might have been a catalyst for her doing something crazy. Part of me wants to make sure she's okay but I know it's only to assuage my guilty conscience because I have zero desire to have any kind of relationship with her at this point and it'd be fucked up to force myself back into her life and reopen that wound (if it was a wound, like I said I'm pretty sure we both knew it was over so maybe she's overjoyed to be rid of me) and then leave just as quickly as I came back.
2 posts and 1 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
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Phineas Checklebork - Sat, 30 May 2020 04:40:46 EST ySK+6TA1 No.534731 Reply
>>534729
I'm not going to try and convince you that what you did by ghosting her was any less right or wrong than you decide it is. There's more than just morally right and morally wrong though, there's a right and a wrong for health, a right and a wrong for you as a person, etc. Maybe it was morally wrong to ghost her, but it sounds like it was right for you as a person and for your mental health to do it. Life doesn't take place in a vacuum of (perfect) civilzation, where we should always be striving to be considerate of and do right by others to help hold up a social contract or improve our social relations with one another. Sometimes there isn't even much of anything resembling society at all depdending on where you live. What's right for you as a person and your overall health are what take priority outside that vacuum of (perfect) civilization. If you haven't been put in a position where you need to make the choice between moral right and wrong and right and wrong for you and your health, you should strive to be morally right, of course.

The istuations with your dad and gf were such that you had to make that decision, and you made your choice. Maybe it was the wrong thing to do, and you should try to fix things, but only if it doessn't require you to forego taking care of yourself first. Don't let yourself have the ego of a savior, because that's just choosing to indulge in a fantasy to escape the unpleasant reality that when it comes to saving somebody, you can only save someone at the cost of not saving somebody else. If you're going to try saving your girlfriend, you're not going to be able to save yourself, and she won't be saving you in return. Same is true of your dad, atm. You should always be willing to give somebody a chance, but don't get stuck in the mindset of giving them too many chances because you never learned how many you should be expected to give before it's okay to let go of somebody.

Just try breaking down things into facts. Fact, your now ex gf is toxic enough that she not only hurts herself, but she also hurts you. Fact, that pain she was causing you wasn't worth enduring because what she gave you/the relationship with her was giving you. Fact, if you leave her, she will continue to hurt herself, and she would also continue hurting herself if you stayed. You are already a bit broken, and she's just causing both of you too much pain. Whether she believes it or not, she needs to do the same thing you are and look out for herself so that she can heal and improve. She wasn't doing any of that together with you. Even if this isn't what she wants or feels like she needs, staying with her isn't what you want or need. She is just as capable of healing and improving without you as she currently is with you, so in this case it's best for you to leave. If actually taking the time to say goodbye is either going to prevent you from actually leaving or wind up hurting you worse because she actually does something drastic to try and coerce you into staying, then not saying bye was also for the best.
>>
Samuel Billingworth - Sat, 30 May 2020 06:53:39 EST SdJf/BwH No.534732 Reply
>>534725
That stuff was pretty shocking and catastrophic for you to hear, but it was very natural and routine for her to say. Take that as a roadmap going forward: worry about it as much as she does, which is none. That kind of Wednesday Adams crap is just her really shitty personality combined with shitty coping skills.
>>
Edwin Dinnerhut - Sat, 30 May 2020 19:36:11 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534742 Reply
>>534731
>There's more than just morally right and morally wrong though
I don't think it's even that. Some stuff is areas of grey and OP's own mental health has a weighting too. Hurting himself is bad morally. Whether he could have done less harm to her and not significantly increased the harm in himself is the question.

At the end of the day though it's done. We all make mistakes and hurting someone to avoid pain that they're inflicting is probably one of the most forgivable relatable mistakes one can make. It's not bourne of malice or greed it's just self preservation and a bit of panic.

Of course maybe it was the right thing to do anyway? If you think she' have played the old emotional blackmail sucide card and it was an abusive relationship then you might have done the right thing to duck out. She sounds like she's afraid to experience authentic joy and has become cynical. In time I suspect she will become jaded to being jaded. She'll realise there were legit reasons to be like that but all that hallmark crap wouldn't work if there wasn't real beautiful sentiment to knock off and mass produce. That is her problem not yours. If you cannot deal with a relationship with someone like that then you don't have to.

As partners we should look after our loved ones. But it's not our responsibility to fix broken people up so we can love them. Our responsibilty is to ensure we are fit for a relationship so that two completely functional people can improve each other's lives, inspire and push each other further and be more. No one is perfect but if your other half isn't even trying then there is no point. You were right to leave her and whether it was right to leave under those terms is unknown. But maybe that was right too.

my cat is missing

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- Fri, 15 May 2020 22:52:30 EST MHw4zt7g No.534610
File: 1589597550163.jpg -(38134B / 37.24KB, 528x480) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. my cat is missing
shes my best friend and the best friend i ever had
its been 4 days now
ive done all the things; posters, food/litter outside, cauht someone elses cat in a trap, went around looking, asked people to look for her.
how do i stop my insides from feeling like theyre made of nails
how do i stop screaming and crying
why does the universe make us suffer
3 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
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William Hupperkug - Tue, 19 May 2020 23:41:26 EST 7c3hOHv6 No.534667 Reply
Did ya find your kitty?
>>
Samuel Pockford - Thu, 28 May 2020 14:55:00 EST /wETLwIS No.534719 Reply
OP did your cat return? I'm losing sleep here
>>
Sophie Dizzlebury - Sat, 30 May 2020 19:17:30 EST ocY0nHd9 No.534741 Reply
Did your kitty come home?

Social anxiety

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- Sat, 30 May 2020 09:06:03 EST hgtkQ315 No.534734
File: 1590843963924.png -(401596B / 392.18KB, 1024x683) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Social anxiety
I'm tired of it, I'm somewhat over my depression and I'm getting in good shape, but still, almost every social situation makes me sweaty and anxious as fuck, it's impacting my life in a bad way.

How do i make this less of an issue? Where do I even start?
>>
Lillian Shakelock - Sat, 30 May 2020 18:10:02 EST 3y+di+Hn No.534737 Reply
>>534734
Do you have a doctor you can see? In the past, I've been able to get a general practitioner to prescribe me gabbapentin, which has been super fucking helpful sometimes.

I would suggest trying to learn some grounding exercises for sure, even though I've felt like they make me seem fucking insane, some of them might be unnoticeable to the individuals you are around. Here's a link that provides 30 of them... some of them would definitely be possible to perform in social situations: https://www.healthline.com/health/grounding-techniques#soothing-techniques

Try not to think too heavily about how people perceive you. People tend to not really give too many judgmental fucks about other people, and are really only worried/wrapped up ink themselves. Remember to breathe. Try to have a glass of water (cold is a plus!) near you at all times. When you start freaking out and don't know what to do with your sweaty ass hands, taking a sip of water is always good- plus it gives you more time to think before responding in anxiety provoking moments. (And it detracts from awkward silences)
Part of what has helped me with social anxiety has been exposing myself to being around other people. Part of what I had always hated about being in psych wards-but was actually really healthy about them- was that I was always fucking forced to be around other people. It was really difficult in the beginning and at the height of my mental illness issues, but I'm doing better now and part of the reason why was because I was constantly forced to be surrounded by others whether it was in therapy groups or even just having a fucking roommate.
I wish you the best, OP-and don't forget to breathe!

quantum genarations

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- Thu, 02 Apr 2020 18:51:50 EST LbPBpo3d No.534171
File: 1585867910373.jpg -(2268249B / 2.16MB, 1813x1118) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. quantum genarations
grandperents a shitty. they hard walk and talk. im sick of this scope of reality. they pray on the seemful of things. its just the thing about though. the ablness of what they have its like they steal it from a fuck brin. i cant find a better reason than blaming them for me not having the avalibillity to get a job. im going to apply every place in a 30 mile radius here again next week... maybe.
these third rate job agents are fucked and try to be every growing.
6 posts and 1 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
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birn - Tue, 26 May 2020 01:22:34 EST LbPBpo3d No.534692 Reply
>>534171
that it im gona get bunch of good shit going to claim yto king undead oct 1st.
>>
Nigel Bicklekut - Fri, 29 May 2020 19:59:46 EST ySK+6TA1 No.534728 Reply
>>534171
man you just picked a really bad time to get a job. i know sometimes the endless feedback loop of unemployment and not getting calls back from applications really sucks, but at the moment with all the corona virus shit, finding a job besides in like, factories that are some how considered essential like mine is impossible.

seriously though, if you need a job, hit up factories... especially night shift positions if you can do night shift. people get hired and quit within 2 weeks all the fuckin time. roughly a third of the new people where i work show up from training and quit within the first 2 nights. another third don't make it beyond their 3 month probationary period because they either hate the work or can't help but call in 3 times (only allowed 3 points before getting fired within your first 3 months), and then another third actually stay for anywhere between 6 months and potentially years (although only 1 in 12 new hires stays more than 9 months it seems like).

so, with back orders being so huge because the time that companies weren't accepting shipments because of the shutdown, and people naturally quitting all the time anyway, the factories are still in need of new workers. if you can't bring yourself to do factory work or last more than the probationary period, then chances are you aren't actually willing to work for your money and want something easier. if you're desperate enough or just willing to actually do something that's honestly pretty easy but still requires more work than a lot of places, you can make a decent living working at factories.

what do I do with my life

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- Fri, 29 May 2020 04:10:20 EST vm8CAmLW No.534720
File: 1590739820617.png -(310694B / 303.41KB, 1024x480) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. what do I do with my life
Hello.. I have emotional issues and Ive been struggling with uni and school and previously, in high school, pretty bad depression. Was studying accounting and I wanna re-tackle it. How can I re gain my confidence? also, what other jobs could I consider? I'm relatively bright, decent at writing, and like people. Iunno. I feel like a jack of all trades that gives up so easily.
>>
Charlotte Donnerville - Fri, 29 May 2020 08:14:40 EST 7OGdb+ZV No.534723 Reply
Confidence is being able to accept failure as part of the process. If you lack confidence, no doubt it's because you judge failure harshly. Stop judging failure harshly and you won't be afraid to fail, and you will persevere until you achieve success. That's what confidence is.
>>
Nigel Bicklekut - Fri, 29 May 2020 19:51:12 EST ySK+6TA1 No.534727 Reply
>>534720
you've got the beginning seeds of confidence already sewn, it sounds like. now you just need to cultivate it and allow the time for it to grow--in other words, put in the daily work required to achieve something, and once you've achieved it, the tree that grows will be your confidence. that's generally how confidence works for me, anyway. you can never truly believe in yourself until you've done something and have something to show for it.

confidence is essentially the knowledge of your abilities to do something plus the pride that comes from having actually followed through and done it, resulting in something you can always recall in the future to point out that your knowledge of your abilities wasn't just your imagination and you've had real world results to prove that any time you need to refer back to it.

Girlfriend acts weirds

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- Sat, 11 Apr 2020 04:08:20 EST PCkzqyu8 No.534260
File: 1586592500318.jpg -(115808B / 113.09KB, 960x960) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Girlfriend acts weirds
So my girlfriend has been on Xanax a long time and is currently still, then she was also a coke/crack head with me as well.

We've recently quit doing the cocaine stuff and crack a while back. But she still uses Xanax and I use alcohol and weed.

She always gets mad at me for drinking or smoking. While she is popping pills and shit. Then she starts fighting with me and sometimes gets violent. Or she gets scared then angry then cry's and basically is having major mood swings over anything. Like a bad dream.

I really need to leave her but she makes it impossible to. Like she will call me and message me on social media even after blocking her (made new accounts).

Anything I can do besides going to the cops.
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Nell Wabberhood - Fri, 29 May 2020 04:48:49 EST cSJDS1k/ No.534721 Reply
1590742129848.gif -(11710B / 11.44KB, 500x276) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>534697
>>534704
>>534709
So two people consenting beforehand to fuck while on drugs is rape?
I guess this really is trump's america, but I'm a fucking metal hippie like my girl and were both enthusiastic retards but still have more self awareness than most people.

OP's girl sounds like a bitch though, that's what I'm saying, she sounds like a tyrant that desperately wants to be tamed.
>>
Charlotte Donnerville - Fri, 29 May 2020 08:11:24 EST 7OGdb+ZV No.534722 Reply
>>534721
Wow holy fuck, you just puke out incendiary bullshit when something online upsets you, I see. Pretty proud of how angry you get, huh?

It is how it is except when it is when its ain't

View Thread Reply
- Wed, 27 May 2020 14:10:52 EST 0DOizHVp No.534706
File: 1590603052532.png -(349128B / 340.95KB, 1000x525) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. It is how it is except when it is when its ain't
The world expects truths, in returns provides silence, even when a lie would suffice.

The people who understand the most are the first to seem the least concerned,but the first to act.

Sometimes its good to ask yourself,

Am I spending too much time helping others that I've forgotten about myself?

sincerely,
spare shoulder.
>>
Fucking Gammerkork - Thu, 28 May 2020 12:21:18 EST bgNsrXdi No.534717 Reply
Nobody's expecting anything except you.

Wife undergoing mania

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- Wed, 27 May 2020 10:18:50 EST MVET1pY2 No.534702
File: 1590589130341.jpg -(824960B / 805.62KB, 3020x2859) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Wife undergoing mania
I just had my wife taken to a mental ward because she's been undergoing a manic episode for a week now and I can't handle it anymore. I can't handle someone who can't acknowledge that their mode of thinking is no longer in line with our plain of reality, to the detriment of her relationships with everyone around her and to the detriment (most fucking importantly to me) of her ability to care for our 1 year old daughter.

She hates and resents me for this now. She had bad experiences with the medical system a decade ago and she feels like this is a total violation of her trust in me, for me to be committing her into the hands of that system now, but I don't know what to do. She isn't all here and you can't fucking talk to her about it properly because she's so irritable and just fucking talks and talks for hours at a time if you do try to engage with her.

Knowing her like I do, I have a feeling that once she comes back down to earth and is thinking a bit more realistically, she's still going to hate and resent me for having her put away. She'll never forgive me for this. But I just didn't know what to do, I felt like I was out of options and if I didn't put her in the hands of professionals then it would have been me who'd just suffer a total emotional breakdown and I would have ended up there.

What the fuck do I do? I feel like this is going to be the potential end of our marriage. I can't fucking deal with her anymore but I don't want to split with her. I'm just so tired of it all, I just want her to be normal again. I'm tired of her obsessions, I'm tired of her social awkwardness. I just want her to be grounded. I want someone who I can talk to about inconsequential everyday things. I feel like in retrospect the cheese has been slipping off her cracker for a long while now and I'm only just seeing it.
6 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
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Emma Sammlehood - Thu, 28 May 2020 07:53:18 EST MVET1pY2 No.534714 Reply
>>534713
>If she has some sort of variant of manic depression then it's rare that it can be managed through therapy and usually is just the brain being fucky.
She was diagnosed as type I bipolar a decade ago. It runs in her family; her mother, father, and a younger brother all have it. Her mother was hospitalised for a manic psychotic episode about 14 years ago, her brother just last year (both episodes were triggered by being prescribed SSRIs without a mood stabilizer). Her initial psychotic episode was also triggered by being prescribed with an SSRI, which was prescribed due to a prolonged depressed spell as a result of PTSD from being raped a year or two previously.

She was on medication (lithium and an anti-depressant) until 2016, not long before I met her. I've only ever known her while un-medicated. Somehow, some way, she had the mental willpower and persistence to avoid falling into mania for 4 whole years. Despite this impressive feat, I'm realizing that 1. this is a chemical imbalance that requires chemical help and 2. she has longstanding traumas and mental issues that she (despite her insistence otherwise) has still not gotten over after over a decade and needs serious professional help with.

With this episode now, I'm looking back at everything and I'm realizing that she's mentally been on a long downward slope, slowly deteriorating. She's definitely not the same person she was when I first met her. I guess her progression was akin to that of a glacier - very slow, not noticeable to the naked eye, but it was definitely moving. Moving slow enough that you just 'get used to' her increasingly erratic behaviour; slow changes can become normal. It's only with the outburst of mania in the last week like a sudden supernova that it's suddenly all become very obvious.

There is a lot to do and a lot to rebuild. Hopefully she can come out of this with a more stable approach to her problems.
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Fucking Gammerkork - Thu, 28 May 2020 11:01:05 EST bgNsrXdi No.534716 Reply
>>534713
> If she has some sort of variant of manic depression then it's rare that it can be managed through therapy only
FTFY
You still need therapy as part of your return to health.
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Sophie Wullerway - Thu, 28 May 2020 14:46:43 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534718 Reply
>>534716
Yeah on second thought I concur. Beyond putting a tiny bit of steer on her brain she could learn coping mechanisms to limit the damage. Therapy will help with some of her other issues too. If her PTSD isn't sorted she needs therapy for that too.

What OP describes is the boiling a frog phenomena.

Where am I hoing with thing and friendships?

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- Wed, 27 May 2020 02:54:59 EST bVi8zFrk No.534698
File: 1590562499228.jpg -(46296B / 45.21KB, 470x384) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Where am I hoing with thing and friendships?
I'm 24, mild enthusiasm, and feel like I'm only just now accepting some things. Growing up, I was badly bullied and then through highschool and college I always forced myself to practice skills that I hated practicing on the chance that they'd win me friends or opportunities. I now realize the importance of finding what makes me happy and that I can look forward to doing every day but I have yet to really figure those things out. Same with friends, a lot of the people that like me are people that ive either been too nice to or put on some kind of sham for. Some of said people I'm actively trying to avoid. Two because they're full of self pity and I was too nice to them and one is a lady that I taught English to in the community when I was going through my sort-yourself-out-ASAP phase. I have no idea where I'm headed through the next five years and people I've known just havent been right for me, and I've always felt the need to put on some kind of an act because I dont want people to see that stoner that isnt religious and doesnt have any deep connections. I have a college degree and am trying to teach english in a foreign country. ive already done it once and it was more enjoyable than not.
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Wesley Blurryshit - Wed, 27 May 2020 08:43:08 EST 7KZ23CYp No.534701 Reply
What do you have to offer people? Focus on that.

Jerked off to CP once - feels bad man, what now?

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- Thu, 26 Sep 2019 15:05:24 EST Y7ZWXY5S No.531891
File: 1569524724379.png -(1099000B / 1.05MB, 1919x1023) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Jerked off to CP once - feels bad man, what now?
Rewind 1 year ago

I download a nondescript link while on the porn boards here. The attached image and file size gave me the impression it would be an amateur compilation of teens n twenties, usual shit.

Opened it, examined it. Multiple sets of definitely 9-13 year olds sucking adult dicks or self-shots. I didn't like the CP - low quality, blatant abuse images of bodies too young for me. I think there was a "fuck it" moment though - I wasn't going to find this again. In all my time on the internet, I'd never seen anything remotely like this. Not what I was after, but I was bored of searching for porn.

I jerked off to it, deleted it off my PC, reported it here and then got on with my day.

Nothing about my consumption historically was pedo-esq. My porn collection was small <5GB, but I was a bit obsessive about the pursuit of curating files for it. The content was typically 18-30, emo, bbw, chubby, big tits, outdoors, fisting, homemade etc all sourced from overground websites like pornhub, xhamster, motherless etc. I had a few fantasy's about fucking 15 year olds in my local park, but it was really just reliving my own memories vicariously. Zero interest in actually doing that and I've never been happier in my current relationship.

I feel like I betrayed myself. For one naive moment, I had some sort of "what happens in vegas" feeling and just went way off script. I don't feel like a pedo, I've watched videos where they talk about their feelings towards kids and it's not how I feel. However, since this incident, a guilt is now present. A hesitation to interact and a fear of being inappropriate. I only look at eye level, I ignore children in my peripheral if I don't know them etc.

Society gets as far as punishment, but never really figures out what to actually do about the bad guy, beyond hating them. People are generally seen as "no bueno" if they play with the fire that I have. I've had a lot of guilt on my mind and my hands felt stained with blood that I can't wash off. I've tried my best to simply honour the mistake, by not repeating it and also changing myself for the better. I don't watch porn anymore, although that took a while to happen. My perspective changed on porn. I realised how desensitized I had became, that this blatant abuse became mere entertainment for me.

I don't believe in burdening people IRL with my dark, fucked up moment. I've kept it to myself. I'd really like to get this off chest.

>Can I be redeemed?
>Should I even feel guilty a year later?
>What should I do about it?
>Can you fuck up, learn from it and actually be better afterwards?

I am sorry if this broke rules of this board.
14 posts and 1 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
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Angus Nenkinwedge - Thu, 31 Oct 2019 15:40:28 EST Je9nm5wp No.532243 Reply
>>532242
this, life is inherently meaningless outside of the meaning we give it, if this falls outside of your typical moral compass don't do it again, but if you never get caught (which you won't unless you snitch on yourself) just do a big ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ and get on with your life
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Martha Duckdock - Sat, 02 Nov 2019 18:08:00 EST yndvewPP No.532264 Reply
>>531891
lol, if I was so hard on myself after every poorly calculated move I'd be locked up like a rock. Get a life OP, you live and learn, but your life begins and ends now, seize the day.

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