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Sandwich


My mental health is deteriorating and I'm slipping into alcoholism

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- Sat, 09 May 2020 18:52:38 EST E+vNS3eR No.534510
File: 1589064758559.jpg -(119086B / 116.29KB, 1360x1360) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. My mental health is deteriorating and I'm slipping into alcoholism
DICKS EVERYWHERE
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Edward Shakeshaw - Sat, 09 May 2020 18:53:08 EST E+vNS3eR No.534511 Reply
How do I erase it? Posted by mistake
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Simon Bammerkock - Sun, 10 May 2020 04:33:18 EST oAx2PF9R No.534517 Reply
Report the thread saying that you're the OP and you want the thread deleted.

keeping up journaling for the long-term?

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- Tue, 21 Apr 2020 09:34:20 EST mttQWkrO No.534375
File: 1587476060843.jpg -(5064B / 4.95KB, 275x183) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. keeping up journaling for the long-term?
Anyone else do this or have experiences with something similar? I've gotten a lot out of it over the years and now I'm really starting to realize how important to me it's become. It's a hard thing to recommend per say, since I ended up doing it completely on accident and it's kind of annoying to tell someone to start a personal development project and then wait years for it to start bearing fruit. But honestly, with journaling as a mindfulness project you can really start to get a lot out of it quick, even if you rip up the pages or delete it every time, because a huge part of the immediate therapeutic value is in sorting out your thoughts in the first place.

Back in 2012, when I was a junior in high school getting super into programming and electronics, I started doing a journal to document projects I was working on, but it quickly turned into your typical angsty teenage shit about how I was doing in general. Over time, it kind of morphed from a journal I'd write in once or twice a week to a series of these sort of "letters to myself" of much more infrequent, (generally) much longer entries. I lost the first two and a half years of entries or so in a system crash years ago because I hadn't backed it up all the way, but that was honestly around the time I consciously shifted from the journal idea to its present form so it worked out.

The really neat thing though is that at this point as a work it's almost taken on a life of its own. I can see these common patterns and trends in my thinking that I never in a million years would've observed without all this material. I can see myself radically change and develop as a person too. It's really surreal to see something YOU wrote and have it read like a total stranger wrote it, both in terms of content and prose. Some of it is kind of scary, there are entries I have no recollection of making about events I have no recollection of. Basically, all of the darkest and happiest moments of my life were for the most part recorded as they happened.

What does this do then? Well, the first thing that struck me years ago was the entries have a tendency to be very cyclical. I have these high points where I seem to have figured out all the secrets of the world, I love myself and everyone around me, everything's great and I finally "made it" and then I burn out, get jaded, start to doubt everything I had just figured out. I think being cognizant of this pattern helped me catch early on when I started to develop bipolar disorder a couple years ago and made me much quicker to accept my diagnosis.

Another interesting and I think reaffirming thing is reading about how you felt during terrible times in your life and being so far removed the experience you can't conjure up what those feelings even were. I have entries from days before suicide attempts and overdoses and every day I'm able to comprehend that state of mind less and less.

It does make me wonder though: where am I in all this? Sometimes I'll be reading older entries and really vehemently doubt something I wrote actually happened to me, and a lot of times I'll have gotten the chronology of events wrong in my head, and even though I know it's objectively much more likely I was right then and wrong now, it's still a tough pill to swallow that one's memory could be so faulty. Not only that, but when going over and rereading it, I can't help but fix tiny grammatical errors and add these little asides and clarifications. Thing is though, these are clarifications as I remember them sometimes years after the fact, and one of the biggest lessons this whole thing taught me is how faulty memory can be. I think the real question is does it matter? Usually I make a note if it's a significant edit but even then, do these changes have an effect on my character in the narrative and subsequently who I "actually" am, if I'm using this specifically as a tool to get in touch with whoever that is?
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Caroline Hashford - Wed, 29 Apr 2020 21:45:42 EST bnCms6Vn No.534437 Reply
>>534403
This is a descent into madness. I assume you know how to ride this shit out if you've had bipolar for a while but that second one is a little concerning. You can view it as a positive if it helps you shake off old negative thought patterns, but the same exact thing could also be seen as the first warning signs of psychosis. As someone whose also been through it, the way I see it this could just as easily be a serious, lasting breakthrough or you're dissociated AND manic, like your brain's giving you your own fix of PCP. If you're doing good, you're doing good and I'm not here to take that away from you, you seem very introspective so I'm just offering an alternative view point, just saying maybe be conscious of what's really going on here.
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Phineas Blizzlestone - Sun, 03 May 2020 15:20:55 EST mttQWkrO No.534475 Reply
yeah no i was definitely just manic, I feel like dog shit now, i have to remember it's like any other drug and that it would've been way better to cut it off than ride it out and end up like i am now, i'm not even suicidal, that doesn't even feel like an option, i'm just stuck here forever

and i'm legitimately very upset that i deleted it, but like anything else it wouldn't have done me any good to jerk myself off about how i'm experiencing a great becoming when in reality i'm just psychotic

it's really easy to say you love the highs AND the lows when youre in a high, every time i'm up it's a gift, every time i'm down i wish i could just be normal
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[name redacted] !h55/E7mIo6 - Thu, 07 May 2020 17:07:27 EST e4/rpFrB No.534490 Reply
I've been journaling on and off since 2015. I originally started just as a way of recording my dreams, just because they would be so impactful on me, that I'd think it would be a waste to forget them. Then about a month alter, I wanted to see how my sleep and diet could affect my dreams, so I started noting down those with them. Afterwards, I thought the more detailed I could be (what I watched on TV, interactions with people, thoughts I had), the more I could analyse what could cause me to dream about certain things.

I wouldn't say the effects take years to kick in though, and journalling is not something I hide from people, and when people ask I'll tell them of the benefits I get from it, but I don't go around actively recommending it for fear of being preachy. I had one funny story where a friend of mine was going to get kicked out of the uni residence for having a girl over past a certain time, with him saying that the day they were claiming she didn't even come over, though it was about two weeks after the event. He told me about it, and I was curious and went back through my journal, and found that we had spent pretty much that entire afternoon/night in the university library because it was the only place with heaters nearby, so they could check the camera there and realise they had wrong information, since they were basing it on one of the security guard's recollection.

In more serious ways though, I have a habit of overhyping bad things and worrying a lot. Usually when I recognise I'm getting like this, I'll go back in my journal and read from say a month or two earlier, and it would usually calm me down. I'd see a month ago I'd be freaking out about what I thought was the end of the world, and I would have forgotten all about by now. Helps me realise that what I'm freaking out over now, could possibly mean nothing to me in a week, so it's not too much to worry over. It's also good for noting progress too. I've moved my life forwards in certain ways, and it's nice to look back at days where I"d play LoL all day and eat plain pasta because it was all I could afford, which makes me feel thankful for having a job and the option to choose what I want to eat now.


I really like the second point that >>534398 brings up as well, you do have to learn from this to benefit from it. I usually read over what I've written at the end of the night, and try to see what I did well and what I didn't, to prevent it in the future. Could be something as simple as "I was feeling tired today at work, so my mind wasn't working as fast as it should. That's likely because I was up until 2am watching movies or something, so I should remember not to do that in the future or I'll keep feeling like this."

That being said, it doesn't always work, as I'm typing this instead of doing an essay that's due in about 3 hours, despite me having 5 years of daily notes about how shit I promise I'll start early next time so I don't have to rush it and feel like shit.

addicted to intoxication

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- Sun, 03 May 2020 03:13:40 EST 1WukA8xH No.534464
File: 1588490020065.png -(110729B / 108.13KB, 800x600) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. addicted to intoxication
>abused the hella out of weed for a year to the point that I knew I was gonna get fucked up mentally every time I smoked
>almost became an alcoholic but my parents stopped me
I just love the feeling of being in a state of not having to think. It makes me feel free plus everything seems funnier and better.

What is this? Depression?
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Walter Druzzlefield - Sun, 03 May 2020 16:14:02 EST 1WukA8xH No.534477 Reply
>>534466
I have a past with mental illness and anxiety, yes.

>>534476
>I would guess you can't stand your sober existence. You retreat into drugs because that's easier than making it not suck.
Sounds reasonable.
I am currently getting hold of my life and doing things that for a long wanted to but didn't but I guess that drugs are still so much easier.
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Phineas Bobblemen - Sun, 03 May 2020 16:25:33 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534479 Reply
>>534477
Addiction and addictive behaviour is usually a symptom of other issues.

In the long run making the effort is easier. You put short term effort in but as your life improves day to day existing becomes less of a burden and eventually even a pleasure. Which is a lot less effort. It saves you far more energy than you need to put in. But you have to slog a bit to get there.
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Henry Sinkinstedge - Wed, 06 May 2020 21:23:49 EST dUVcksLs No.534489 Reply
1588814629930.jpg -(42996B / 41.99KB, 600x494) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
I feel this so much.
I spent my early 20s smoking and drinking my face off, even if my friends were sober I'd be lit, I'd be stumbling through public and stuff. From childhood until this point I was insanely depressed and thought about suicide every day.

Then I had an experience with psychedelics and since then had never any thoughts of suicide or the hopelessness of the worst depression that had been by lifetime normal. I thought everything was 'fixed' and had an opportunity to go to college in my late 20s so I took it and have been doing fine there, sober (conservative dry school) and just enjoying being a student.

But since quarantine I've been hitting everything really hard. And I would defend myself saying it's not to self-medicate from depression because I'm not depressed anymore, and it can't be a purely chemical addiction because I've been clean for about 2 years so my body wouldn't still be dependent on it.

So then what. Having a good time is one thing but I'm in a state of constantly regretting going overboard, then doing it again. Like OP I just can't resist getting out of reality, even though reality hasn't been bad for a while.

lost my superpower

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- Fri, 10 Apr 2020 07:19:04 EST q6FwC05t No.534240
File: 1586517544486.jpg -(375423B / 366.62KB, 1200x1200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. lost my superpower
i used to be able to look at a picture and feel whatever was in there..the weather the smell, the tangible stuff..now i look at my surroundings and its blank. i lost the sensation, the fantasy. i feel dried out and hollow. do you know that feeling? have i changed? whats the cure?
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Ernest Blytheville - Mon, 27 Apr 2020 03:09:54 EST H7gorThG No.534433 Reply
>>534390
this seems realistic, i categorized my music playlist in colours and how they touch wise feel, it was very intense as a child. i used to watch a movie and live in the movie for days, creating my own storyline along. reading comics was awesome, it was like the autorefill was working much stronger, the connection of my physical nature and my feelings embedded into all surroundings. and it is true, during and after i had my great depression everything was short fused, as if the memory of how things feel and what it is directed towards in the first place, faded out.
lately i picked up drawing again, writing and watching more movies as well as picking up my old books and it seems to come back slowly. thats why i could tell there is a massive difference. i will keep on holding on, because i miss that inner lifestream.


>>534296 its true, scenery is already hallucination inducing. its powerfull to give in to senses and a good idea to allow real life experiences. i think that is indeed something ive avoided. and its so comforting to know the connection is still there...

>>534242
ha never thought of that, but it seems enlightening. altering the environment around me, from passive to active will change my connection to senses and surroundings to more quality perhaps.

i now have a clearer mind of what was happening to me (depression) and how i can back to my sensation (creative outlet, scenery)but i also gained some insight of what is really important (experience, beeing active in the moment) now for the reset, recharge...never thought of that, but nature does that to me as well as sports. i used to have a biiig snow nights when i was younger in east europe, those days i swapped for tree ruffles and sun. thank you guys it was most rewarding to receive your oppinions.


>>534309
they seemed overstrained. as shitty as they were, i think they still loved you and tried with their shortcomings. that can be comforting to know. they worried about you, they also could have not cared one bit about that crazy kid. but things are rarely that black and white.
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Jack Gongernure - Wed, 29 Apr 2020 22:20:43 EST GgQcp1wJ No.534438 Reply
>>534240
I was similar, back until the end of my first year of highschool, everything had a smell, being in the hot sun waiting for the bus, the smell of my fathers factory, and so on. It would bring me such happiness. Then one day, the smells died, it was likely during the time that my fear of dying and the fear of being kicked out of my home was rampant, but ive never gotten it back. Even now, I look back to those times, and wish it would come back. I just want it to stop.
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Angus Cankincocke - Sun, 03 May 2020 16:22:49 EST es7rlK1B No.534478 Reply
>>534438
oooh i know the fear of dying so well! maybe if you get closer to your existential threats your senses will dilate and focus on other, more pleasureable things. it sounds like youre busy surviving right now...relax

Missing a good friend I don't even remember him anymore

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- Sun, 03 May 2020 11:54:30 EST h2c9QW+L No.534470
File: 1588521270150.jpg -(111798B / 109.18KB, 832x960) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Missing a good friend I don't even remember him anymore
When I was little I had a school-friend and he was the best.
We spend so much time together, did so much shit, many things I regret in hinsight, but we were stupid children.

At some point he got so rebellious in school, that they moved him to another school and I never seen him again.

I only remember his first name and I live at least a city away from my old school now.

Is there any way to find him again?
Is it even a good idea?

I even don't know why it haunts me so often recently, like I've got the feeling hes got into some bad shit that ruined his life and I would like to help him out of it. But I don't know.
Its just a feeling in my gut and soul, that I need to find him somehow.

My parents were crazy religous nutjobs and they threw away all my old class-yearbooks, so it even harder now.

"missing out"

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- Sun, 26 Apr 2020 00:57:52 EST 84KHINZL No.534426
File: 1587877072716.gif -(1825672B / 1.74MB, 720x312) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. "missing out"
How do I get over the... how to say it? The feeling of "missing out" on experiences I want to have but probably never will. I wouldn't compare it to the feeling of like, wanting a supercar or some shit like that.

For example my biggest one: I'm bisexual, lean more on the gay side, I only got into a real serious relationship with a girl a year ago, before that I was a virgin. I love her to death but I still dream about being with a man. My only hope is someday to talk to her about it. If I could work it right I think she might be ok with me seeing someone else purely for the sexual aspect. But I can't guarantee that.

Any thoughts on this?
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Fuck Sesslestit - Sat, 02 May 2020 16:21:35 EST FO3wrxBb No.534457 Reply
>>534426
Classic bisexual dilemma. I'm in a similar situation in my mind, but I prefer women and am single. Might make a thread about that one of these days.

There are a lot of girls I crushed on in college, and would have dated if I were more socially savvy. I wonder what they would've thought about my bisexuality.

Anyway, there's a lot of associated baggage that comes with bisexuality, and a lot of straight women see that as being a turnoff. It's not an easy thing to navigate.
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Hedda Wedgekud - Sat, 02 May 2020 17:12:35 EST NUPLxYIu No.534458 Reply
>>534457
As a young potentially bisexual man could you give me your input on a most I made over here on /sd/ >>102174

Sometimes I look at a beautiful woman and all these feelings dissolve and I only want to be straight. I've spent the last 2 days withdrawing from drugs laying in bed all day fantasizing about being in a relationship with a guy. I was gonna say boy but maybe it's more appropriate to say guy because boy denotes a younger male.


am I old fashioned and goofy for disliking polygamy?

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- Mon, 20 Apr 2020 21:13:07 EST jLsiaOOb No.534368
File: 1587431587019.jpg -(97202B / 94.92KB, 1024x576) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. am I old fashioned and goofy for disliking polygamy?
warning: long ass vent

ok. we're friends now. things seem cool
after talking to my bros and my therapist I became more moderate regarding what I think about the issue, but still find no major flaws in my train of thought
I concluded that sure, I can't get into someone with too high and specific expectations. I can't expect something serious right out the bat when we hardly know each other
I wanted to try keeping this in mind. why not? but she's into that polygamy thing, hard. and she wanted me into her reverse harem, which I know would hurt me a great deal. if I'm in a relationship, it sucks knowing that I'd be "some guy she likes and fucks". waiting around for my turn, knowing she's around with some other dude.
it's just not how I want to manage my affections and my intimacy. I'm not religious, and I'm fairly moderate in my views. I don't think that Yahwe will smite me for not remaining chaste until marriage. but a degree of loyalty and compromise, as small as it may be, is how I like to roll

thing is, I manage my intimacy in a different way. there's nothing wrong with wanting to fuck only in a monogamous relationship. and I ain't even talking about doing it exclusively in a 3 year old relationship, or only after marriage. that's not what I think either. to, me it just speaks of trust and involvement

I know we don't share a cosmic lovey-dovey interstellar bond, but I know I'm gonna get hooked up. therefore:
-I only want to fuck her if we are in a relationship
but
-I'd be just another stud in her harem
which I don't want
done. conflict of interests

this does gives me some insight, although
maybe a taste will not hurt. I know very well that she ain't spiteful nor set on hurting people. some pals told me "just fuck her and be done with it"
but I fell in love. a quick fuck is not what I'm looking for. I ain't looking for hoes. I ain't looking for an open relationship
but trying out to see what happens may be a solid choice. thing is, outlook not so good down that way. in any case, I just need more time to digest the idea

damn, I'd be willing to try it out. of course the first chick I meet isn't going to be the love of my life. I know that. and since I talked to my shrink I made peace with people I like fucking other people they care more about. but I barely know her. even if she does care about me, it feels wrong

eventually I'd get thrown into the polyamorous web, which I dislike. I want to administer sex and affections as a whole, and in a exclusive, committed way. that's how I think about them anyways, because I don't think they're separate. I just don't feel comfortable with letting anyone come and go into my privacy as they please, nor doing the same to other people would make me feel good. I'd feel safe, understood and contained by only fucking people I love in a simple, non-polyamorous relationship

because of this, I know that if I have sex with her, I'm going to get hurt. so:
we just can't give each other what we want. she likes polygamy, I like monogamy. if we try to get along as a couple, shit will hit the fan. and I want to forwarn that

could my mindset change? why the hell not? but right now I ain't ready for something like that. I know that people who are into polygamy chose it after having a particular history. but not me. why not just start the simple way: the one I feel more comfortable with?
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Caroline Hashford - Wed, 29 Apr 2020 21:36:51 EST bnCms6Vn No.534436 Reply
>>534423
>she is gonna harvest your energy. she's going to take your affection and give you back sweet poison.

We're all really lucky that this toxic mindset keeps you away from women in the first place. Jesus Christ dude.

>bad writing

What the fuck are you talking about that's a very common phrase

Being a jolly african-american

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- Thu, 23 Apr 2020 00:35:08 EST LQrqbkSc No.534397
File: 1587616508891.png -(6777762B / 6.46MB, 1125x2436) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Being a jolly african-american
I have the opportunity to make like $1000 a week on the side but I need a house with a name not connected to me

There’s this girl down the street that says I can use her house if I pay her. The thing is, this girl has been all over me for years and I really am not into her. Yes she is sweet but it’s very obvious she likes me a little too much and I’ve tried to just push It off and act like I don’t notice or am just straight up not interested forever.

I don’t want to fuck her. I’m not going to be a jolly african-american. I sometimes get pretty desperate though but I refuse to break down for this one. I feel like if I’m using her house to do this she’s gonna straight up try to fuck me and I’m not about that.

What do I do?
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Samuel Dorringford - Thu, 23 Apr 2020 10:21:50 EST CCngDWLw No.534401 Reply
It's not who you know, it's who you blow.
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Martin Hubberson - Fri, 24 Apr 2020 15:49:25 EST Qoe2oia4 No.534414 Reply
So you can get more than $500 a week easy but the only downside is you have to fuck this girl every now and then?

Time to decide what is more important to you. Money or not getting laid.

Unruly coworkers.

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- Fri, 10 Apr 2020 03:35:42 EST qTml9FbR No.534236
File: 1586504142592.jpg -(217598B / 212.50KB, 720x960) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Unruly coworkers.
How do you deal with subordinates at a job that are young, immature, obnoxious, constantly finding ways to slack off, and always yelling and cussing to one another in a small space when you aren't personally authorized to write up or fire anyone, and the head manager who can never will?

When two get together during a shift sometimes it's a complete shit-fest and I can't stand it. I've told them so many times to stop their behavior, but they always go right back to it. They're younger employees, and they actually do respect me and almost always do things for me immediately when I ask, but couple of recent shifts have been exceptionally bad with the two working together. To make matters worse, they know the head manager, apart from actually condoning some of their bad behaviors, will never discipline them unless they commit murder on store property, so they have no incentive to follow any rules they don't agree with.

Other people have complained about them, and one of the underlings with whom I share mutual respect has gone over the head manager's head and messaged the area supervisor about one aspect of what's going on. To be honest, there's a good chance nothing will come of it though since I know other things that have been brought to his attention have been completely ignored apparently. Apart from certain days they're generally hard workers that know what they're doing, and they're always fine when the other isn't there.

Anyone have advice? Thanks in advance.
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Lydia Fattingserk - Tue, 21 Apr 2020 06:09:38 EST o6sB5MdO No.534372 Reply
It's your manager's responsibility to deal with terrible employees. You don't have to worry for that. Concentrate being the best employee you can be.
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Charlotte Wussleford - Tue, 21 Apr 2020 07:52:30 EST HQ1K9uL4 No.534373 Reply
You're getting worked up because these kids wont take their job at a pizza shop seriously and from what you've shared it sounds like management doesn't give a fuck. I think you need to realise that they are never going to take that job seriously, especially if they understand that there is almost no chance of being reprimanded. You're only going to cause yourself more grief by fixating on it.

Of course if you want to get drastic then you could threaten to quit if they're not brought in line by management. Obviously that will backfire spectacularly if your bluff is called.
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Ernest Windlepere - Wed, 22 Apr 2020 15:25:53 EST qTml9FbR No.534392 Reply
>>534373

Well, as it is now it's really just one person who's the problem, and the other good shift lead just told me this morning that as many as three people have complained about him making them want to look for another job because of his behavior. Knowing this I feel like my GM can't ignore that he needs to do something, and if he still lets it slide then I'll just have to look for another job.


Just wanted to

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- Fri, 17 Apr 2020 13:17:03 EST 8XFIaawD No.534351
File: 1587143823331.png -(1108394B / 1.06MB, 1239x637) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Just wanted to
Thank you guys.
I'm sure there's a lot of people like me, lurkers, or people who share some of the issues that are being brought up - I myself have brought my issues more often than once here - who super appreciate what you guys write.

When I'm lost, you guys are my mental hygiene. Wether it's advice I asked for, or advice you're giving to someone else, I can just come here and find some form of comfort. I only wish I could come back to people with the same love and attention (and tough love, as well) some of you do. I'm not a great writer but

I just wanted to give props to everyone. Love you guys.
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Reuben Conkinhurk - Sat, 18 Apr 2020 12:51:37 EST /D+GITaR No.534360 Reply
>>534359
There are a LOT of fake posts here designed to stroke people's social media anger centers.
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Samuel Gabbermitch - Sat, 18 Apr 2020 20:01:16 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534363 Reply
>>534360
People focus on the shitposts though. Plus the truly malicious posters tend to quick fire shitposts sometimes repeatedly bumping threads so they are a lot more visible as a result.

Covid19 in January

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- Thu, 16 Apr 2020 00:58:04 EST Kt5TMNI+ No.534322
File: 1587013084085.jpg -(127890B / 124.89KB, 1024x768) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Covid19 in January
Back in January of this year, I got real sick with something. Coughing, fever, aches, muscle pain, sweating, all that stuff. Legit lasted for 2 weeks. But at the end of it, this persistent cough remained.

I went to various doctors, each giving me meds, but that little, underlying cough would not go away.

Now we in the middle of a pandemic and going to a doctor right now is a terrible idea. I do wonder if I got Covid19 all the way back then, and suffered permanent scarring of the lungs or something. The cough is still there, it's become the new normal for me, and I hate it so fucking much, it makes me wish I were dead.

I just need to vent.
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John Dupperbanks - Sat, 18 Apr 2020 19:59:31 EST 1SSFeKJF No.534362 Reply
>>534358
Personal experience says that you get piles first. If you persist, I don't know. I eat a lot of veg now so the awful protein shits and wax bullet shaped suppisitories are done.

Dating beneath you

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- Sat, 29 Feb 2020 21:48:53 EST 72N5BQUN No.533837
File: 1583030933049.jpg -(2066521B / 1.97MB, 2560x1524) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Dating beneath you
Hi /qq/, I'm a girl dating a guy who is maybe a 3/10 as far as being physically attractive goes, is really boring (we don't have mutual interests), and isn't the sharpest person ever (he thought tablespoons were the same as teaspoons, has a hard time forming well-thought out sentences, etc.). Here's the kicker: he's the NICEST person I have ever met in my entire life. Our relationship is okay, I really DO feel like I love him, but there is this very nagging feeling that I should be dating someone who is more successful and traditionally attractive. This feeling comes up whenever we are having relationship problems or when he makes dumb mistakes, which is about every week or every other week.

To put it in context, I am probably about a 6-7/10 with a good body, am quite sharp, love intellectual conversations (which he doesn't really understand/can't keep up with), am going to school for a profession that pays six figures, but am pretty much a shut-in (outside of going to the gym and school) who doesn't use social media and goes on imageboards occasionally..., and doesn't watch TV, and doesn't have normal interests. Probably a bit socially awkward tbh, but not cripplingly so. Have a few friends here and there, but I moved for school and I find myself quite lonely sometimes because I can't find anyone similar to me in my classes.

Like I said, he is really nice, and very patient, but sometimes I can't help but feel like I am throwing all my potential social standing into the garbage. The more I'm with him the more I kind of feel like he is... well, kind of lame. I feel bad because that sounds pretty mean, but I can't help it. He likes anime, cartoons, video games, dumb youtube videos, and is generally kind of a kid. He's got tons of posters of all this stuff on his walls and has figurines. He has a lot of friends and a lot of people know him. I used to be impressed by this but I recently learned though that he used to be the most unpopular kid that people would pick on throughout middle and high school so he was kind of well-known. He's not that smart so I often don't know what to talk about with him and I find it hard to spend more than 3 nights a week with him. He was a hand-holdless kissless virgin and our sex is bad sometimes (although it really can be great). He can't have an orgasm unless he is jerking himself off and I work my ass off at the gym to look good and it kind of feels like he doesn't really find me all that attractive because he's watched so much porn. He also had unrealistic expectations of sex which we've talked about with each other, but I feel like I'm just disappointing him and he didn't focus too much on pleasing me in the beginning and I would spend 20 minutes giving him a blowjob. It was really bad in the beginning lol, partially my fault for not being so forthright about what I wanted, but even now it feels like he's just going through the motions of what I want sometimes.

I've had a tendency to date guys who aren't very attractive too, so I think something with my self-esteem is messed up. At the same time, I have enough of an ego to think that I am better than him (which is a terrible thing to admit), and it messes with the relationship. I often think about dating other intellectuals, but I don't think they will ever be as nice or as humble as this guy is and will probably be arrogant jerks like I am.

Sorry this is long, it is mostly a rant, I guess. I definitely got some good advice from this board before though, so please let me know if you have thoughts.
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Hannah Girringbanks - Sat, 04 Apr 2020 17:33:12 EST SksStEss No.534192 Reply
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>>533837

I'm calling it like I see it, OP's post is a troll post trying to get other people to feel bad, making guys who look at Anime and might be unattractive or inexperienced feel like if they have even a 6/10 girlfriend she will feel like you claim to.

You try to mention multiple traits a person could have for the purpose of spreading the most damage.

I'd like to express my sincerest Fuck you OP, take your bullshit somewhere else. No Bump.
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Betsy Gevingcocke - Wed, 15 Apr 2020 02:42:40 EST 72N5BQUN No.534312 Reply
Hey guys, OP here. It's been a while, but thanks for the responses. Yeah, we broke up. It was mutual. It turns out he didn't find me very attractive, which is ironic and hurt my self-esteem, but I've accepted it. It explains a lot, though. Maybe I'm just not as hot as I was at 21 (I'm 27 now, he was 23). Yes, I was a bitch.

Weirdly, he said that he thought the only reason why I am dating him is "for his looks". I guess we are more similar than I thought, as one poster mentioned. I was really flip-flopped and confused. I'm still trying to figure it all out.

And yeah, I don't think I'd go as far as to say I hate myself or anything, but I know I have some issues with self-esteem and I try to be candid about it. I didn't graduate from high school, I got a GED so I always felt like I needed to prove myself useful in society, I guess. I'm actually in med school right now, which means I've come a long way, but to me, med school really feels like high school all over again (very bad for me), with cliques, popular kids, unpopular kids, etc. I think this aspect of it is bringing back immature ways of thinking about social status.

I feel a lot better now that the relationship is over. I really do have things I need to work on. I tend to eventually dislike whoever I'm with over time and think I'm better than them (ugh, if anyone knows why lmk). Sorry if this came off as being a troll post or anything. I really do appreciate the feedback, as interesting and varied as it usually is here. I got some good insights, still searching for answers though.
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Cyril Sollyshit - Wed, 15 Apr 2020 09:06:43 EST rwmHBidJ No.534313 Reply
>>534312
It's a troll post. You're signaling your virtues and values by writing a fictional story with characters who experience life the way you feel that life should be experienced. Why not post on a fiction board? Somewhere you can workshop this, maybe improve as a writer / author?

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