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- Wed, 05 Aug 2020 22:43:25 EST HTfxVBqg No.535614
File: 1596681805117.jpg -(1176853B / 1.12MB, 2500x3017) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. prison
I am on probation and left the county without asking for permission from my probation officer, I couldn't get ahold of her and I didn't think it would be a problem because in the past she always said yes to anywhere I wanted to go and would give me travel passes. I was visiting my mom who was in the state because her foster parent died and her stepmother had surgery to remove brain tumors. We were staying with my mom's best friend's daughter who is a heroin and crack addict and is the craziest, most physically ugly, disgusting person I've ever met, the most most undeserving of drawing breath too. I washed all her dishes and cleaned her kitchen and cleaned her turtles 30 or 50 gallon aquarium and babysat him all day for like 2 days. I gave her 20$ for crack, I bought her coffee and bought everyone breakfast and fixed her front door and hammered in some nails and did other simple tasks around the house. I went on a trip to get a chair, I loaded it into a van, brought it into the girl's apartment. I did so much for her. In the morning on my second day there I was told that I was not allowed out in the living room right now and that they're having girl time (my mother and this crackhead). She said come back in 30 minutes, so I reached into my pocket to check the time and she said "dont look at the clock. we're not on a time limit, just come back at 10 [10 o clock was like an hour and 10 minutes away]" so I come back and I pull the curtain open and ask my mom if she can come spend time with me. the girl freaks out again and says dont touch my shit motherfucker get out of my house leave her alone she needs a few hours she doesnt want to spend time with you. my mom was smoking crack with her and said to give her a few more hours. so i went and sat on the back porch babysitting her pet turtle who I took out of the tiny tank he was in trying to escape from all day. I was with this a desert storm veteran pilot who was also not allowed in the living room because he was a man. so i was babysitting her turtle and her company.. we were listening to jimi hendrix and shit. at one point I was crying because I talked to my dead dad's wife and I was just thinking about how I never got to meet my dad. my mom came into the room with the girl to talk to me. asked why I was crying, I told them why. the crackhead freaked out on me told me I had no right to bring up my dad to my mom and I shouldnt talk about him and etc etc. She called a guy over to beat me up but he didn't. Eventually I got thrown out of the apartment by this psycho bitch who I took shit from all day. She threatened to stab me in the neck with a knife and kill me and said she had killed people before. I met strangers on the street who took me into their home and fed me and we hung out, I went back in the evening to get my mom and the crackhead walked up on the sidewalk and started cursing me out and threatening me again. This time I was drunk so I told her to go fuck herself, to make herself useful and suck my dick, and that if she touches me Ill beat the shit out of her. She called the police and said she feared for her life and that I was there threatening to kill her and that I smashed her window with a rock and was terrorizing them. I just left.. so I might have a warrant out. My mom didnt stand up for me (I talked to her) she just walked away as this girl told all these lies to the cops and the police report was filed.


I had to call my p.o. and report the police contact (even though I didnt have physical contact with them a police report was made about me) and she was actually upset that I left without telling her. Now I don't know if I'll be going to jail when I get back home. When I go back to court a month and a half from now I have to explain to the judge what happened. He said if I get one more bad report from probation that I'll be doing state prison time. The first bad report was because people made false claims that I was using drugs, as a result I was put in rehab, took 100 drug tests LC/ms and dipstick, never failed one, I'm in counselling, I started doing volunteer work at a soup kitchen, I'm in college, I'm about to get a job.

I'm not sure now if I'm going to prison or if my felony is going to get reduced anymore, which it was supposed to be before this happened. So my mom fucked my life up. I grew up without my parents, I was given away at age 13 (lived with my singl…
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Fuck Chombletet - Wed, 26 Aug 2020 07:58:54 EST cI9FEKEo No.535833 Reply
1598443134888.png -(2854880B / 2.72MB, 1920x1080) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535614
Keep doing what's productive in the soup kitchen and other endeavors and DO NOT associate with people who can't maintain stability in their lives. Instead of working your ass off for drugged out losers, do it at whatever volunterr/paid position you happen to be in. Make sure these gigs eat up all the time that you wouldn't spend doing schoolwork because it sounds like you need every reputation gain you can get.

I've never been to court and dont know what can be done, but if I were you, I'd get ahold of my counselor, soup kitchen patrons and staff, and people at your college that can somehow communicate that you're doing a lot to turn things around and this was a silly little oopsie.
>>
[name redacted] !h55/E7mIo6 - Wed, 26 Aug 2020 13:18:12 EST e9eRuSB0 No.535838 Reply
It's probably not a good idea to break probation at all, but I hope it works out for you.

One thing I learnt that I wish I'd learnt earlier, and it looks like it might help you, is to just don't be around people that are shit to you or make you feel like shit. Not for a friend or family. That girl seems to treat you like shit, and being around that would lead to stress and possibly bad decisions caused by stress. I stopped hanging out with some people because of it, but if they didn't want to hang out without someone that I dislike or dislikes me around, then they're probably not worth it. If you're mom is okay with some other girl treating you like shit and letting you be in a situation where that happens, she isn't worth it. You need to look out for yourself and put yourself first, because you're the only person that will.
>>
Wesley Dangerfoot - Wed, 26 Aug 2020 23:17:33 EST 7ljE9qVr No.535841 Reply
>>535614
I have no experience in the legal system but man if you do have to go to court you tell the judge exactly what you just posted here, that you're an imperfect person trying to do some good in the world by helping people and that you're a victim of bitter circumstance but you're honest and you want to make right on your wrongs. I think you'll have a shot at a good outcome homie

Concentration problems

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- Fri, 21 Aug 2020 12:26:29 EST NE5MdmNk No.535801
File: 1598027189617.jpg -(74462B / 72.72KB, 620x349) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Concentration problems
Ever since i started taking schizo meds i've been having concentration problems. Does anyone have this? Did you got to have control on it? If you did... How? What do you reccomend me to do?
Pic related. It's one of the three drugs i take.
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Cyril Fummleworth - Sun, 23 Aug 2020 16:57:31 EST dHWx3Rbx No.535820 Reply
>>535814
>>535813
Benzos are anti-anxiety medications, the stuff that Jordan Peterson got addicted to and gave himself permanent neurological damage because he refused to taper properly. but it's fine if you are not abusing it, really dangerous to be addicted to though

risperidone and quetiapine are antipsychotics.

How long have you been on the medication for? clonazepam can make you sleepy which could interfere with concentration. quetiapine and risperidone can also make you sleepy and interfere with concentration. if you're using recreational drugs... that can also interfere with concentration.

It's also possible that you have an underlying attention deficit issue that just hasn't been noticed before because you were too busy dealing with all the "schizo" stuff.

If you just started the medication, it could be a side effect that might go away in two weeks or so.
I would really not take clonazepam long term, it's supposed to be only for crisis management stuff

If you don't feel overly anxious or distressed you could skip the clonazepam and see if it helps (not the other two though - do not skip those unless you talk to your psychiatrist first)

if you continue to have issues then talk to your pharmacist and/or psychiatrist about it. I just recommended pharmacist earlier because they're usually a little easier to access than someone's psychiatrist
>>
Archie Creddleham - Sun, 23 Aug 2020 18:52:06 EST jnas4L6T No.535821 Reply
>>535803

i would def trust the advice of a pharmacist they are experts

Stimulants making life miserable. Desperate for advice.

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- Wed, 29 Jul 2020 03:22:24 EST 9eSe6dOP No.535497
File: 1596007344090.jpg -(30199B / 29.49KB, 400x400) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Stimulants making life miserable. Desperate for advice.
Has anyone tried taking non stimulant medications for ADHD like strattera. I have tried multiple stimulant's and I find they make me irritable, isolated and suicidally melancholic. I am depressed and wish I could be normal. My own family says these drugs changed me prior to their suicide and I feel as though I can't stop now and I am in too deep.
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Hugh Worthingshit - Wed, 19 Aug 2020 00:58:43 EST WchZniRy No.535773 Reply
1597813123778.jpg -(89467B / 87.37KB, 600x600) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535526
OP here
I am diagnosed with a non-specified mood disorder but my psychiatrist doesn't know if it is bipolar or something honestly I am too afraid to speak of it any father or tell him of the effects. I do know that I've recently been trying to get out of these feelings It is almost as if I'm in a fog. It is hard to do anything anymore my mother recently committed suicide I've lost everything and I feel like the only thing that helps are these medications to make me feel better even if it makes things worse I am drunk so I may sounds confusing.
I do become extremely suicidally depressed during the months of September until February and then I become happy or apathetic the other times of the year without fail and I have never known why. When I do feel these moments of euphoria it feels good like, I speak my mind almost like a motor, I feel like my head or hair is on fire. It is as if someone lit a fire in my brain and I can only express myself or do things that make me feel alive and give me an amazing feeling but I know inside of myself that I am not accomplishing anything.
>>
Hugh Worthingshit - Wed, 19 Aug 2020 01:03:34 EST WchZniRy No.535776 Reply
>>535526
I am on 300 mg before breaching plus 40 mg of Ritalin
>>
Hugh Worthingshit - Wed, 19 Aug 2020 01:04:35 EST WchZniRy No.535777 Reply
>>535526
Yes I feel that immense pleasure of euphoria It feels as though I want to claw my brain out of my skull with a spoon

"What to do" anxiety

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- Mon, 17 Aug 2020 14:27:38 EST V0V8T2BZ No.535770
File: 1597688858691.png -(698151B / 681.79KB, 600x614) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. "What to do" anxiety
I'm gonna ramble a bit in this post, so sorry in advance.

Hi there,

So it's almost the end of summer. This year is really flying by, huh? How was your summer?

I had a few exceptional weekends, but I didn't have a proper vacation. Last time I had one was almost a year ago. I am thinking of just taking a few weeks off and maybe going somewhere by car. Or maybe flying? COVID-19 is not going anywhere soon, so does that mean that people should not travel at all, even when taking proper safety measures?

I want to do a lot of things. I think I need to do a lot of things. But I have trouble prioritizing/realizing my wants and needs.

I have no problems with short-term plans, e.g., I was at a small local festival, I met a person, we talked for a few hours and I promised to send him a book (neither of us remember which book exactly, because we were faded), but one book came to mind (Ocean Sea by Alessandro Baricco), so I went out and bought it, all that's left is to send it to him.

Couple of things that I'd like to work on:

>Investing
I have a decent sum of money in the bank, but the money just sits there and does nothing. I'd like to make it work, but this is something that should happen over time.
>Becoming better in my profession
I am a senior programmer at work, but the "senior" part is mainly for the pay. I am motivated and I don't bullshit around, but honestly, I really need to step up my game.

It doesn't help that I want to quit my job and do something else, tho.

I want to create art, but I am a perfectionist.

I'd like to live in a different city or country altogether, but that seems like a big/hard step to take.

I want to learn a new language.

A lot of it boils down to being afraid of not doing anything/enough in time and not knowing exactly what I want. I am lucky to have a lot in my life and not think about what I'm going to eat, where I'm going to sleep, but that doesn't mean my problems are not insignificant.

Maybe the solution is to just do things and not think. I found that not thinking helps a lot.
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James Sillerhood - Tue, 18 Aug 2020 00:44:41 EST Kcmn7NrE No.535772 Reply
Yeah break shit down into small steps and take the first step. Recognize inertia and break the inertia purposefully. Put yourself into uncomfortable situations and embarrass yourself. Fuck up. Then you will be on the path.

Was staying a virgin a mistake?

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- Fri, 14 Aug 2020 22:50:32 EST FP8cdoJJ No.535737
File: 1597459832767.jpg -(998240B / 974.84KB, 834x1334) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Was staying a virgin a mistake?
So i am 21 never had sex or even kissed
I always rejected guys and i only attracted men way older then me or perverts no boy my age
the only boy i really liked was one of my best friends and had his girlfriend giving me stares so it would have been weird anyway..
i started this LDR with this guy, i never loved like that i am really in love with him
he said he was happy i was a virgin and guess i was happy too
we plan to live together in a few months and we're like in a trad relationship?
i like the idea of staying at home doing what i enjoy because studies and work stress me alot and it made me physically sick before and since i never had a father and the idea of him taking care of me, i like that a lot ...
but i always has this feeling that he doesn't respect me that much, he's busy with work and we live in different countries so we can barely talk now
and when i get angry because we didn't talk for a day or so he call me crazy or a bitch he always apologize and say he was just tired from work that he didn't mean that but still..
also he made me feel like a whore more then once because apparently i can't find any other guy attractive ever..

what bother me is that i feel like girls who had experience or instagram models are seen as goddess by some guys
these guys are everywhere on imageboards and forums, they say how much they want a caring virgin wife and that modern girls are sluts but then they worship these same sluts give them money and fight for them
it's just gotten stronger as a feeling, that maybe staying a virgin made me weak emotionally because i can't handle a breakup and i am always the one trying to get his attention and also because i have no one but him
it really feels like i did a mistake by staying "pure" that i am just worth less as a woman, i am dependent on one man while these girls got an army to choose from
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Martha Ponderdet - Sat, 15 Aug 2020 17:44:30 EST JWWudQ3H No.535759 Reply
>>535752
>you think? it''s not like he would try to stop me i could still study something when we're living together
I'd be careful of anyone who prefers that you don't improve yourself over improving yourself.
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Helicobacter Pylori - Sun, 16 Aug 2020 08:40:09 EST mCO5Ri2O No.535764 Reply
1597581609928.png -(81092B / 79.19KB, 632x336) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>plan to live together despite not having income
>like the idea of staying at home doing while he works his ass off
>studies and work stress me alot and it made me physically sick
>get angry because didn't talk for a day
>denies sex
>but i always has this feeling that he doesn't respect me that much

are you really that dense?
>>
Reuben Huzzlehall - Sun, 16 Aug 2020 13:48:59 EST 1SSFeKJF No.535768 Reply
I'll echo what others have said.

Fuck what you feel society thinks, that's not your values and life and it's not even a real person's values and opinions.

Secondly look after yourself. Be a person you want to be and strive to be the best at being that person that you can be. Get therapy, pursue what you want. Find a man who supports these things and does not prefer that you don't grow as a person or achieve things.

Thirdly he sounds a bit abusive. It reminds me of my catfish LDR at your age. I was a chump. She would arrange to meet me then blow me off (which it later became apparent was because she was stringing other guys around) then tell me I was needy and cry about how horrible I was when I got upset. This isn't quite that bad, but then maybe it is. He doesn't sound great. Don't settle with someone who doesn't respect you.

Fourth with those addressed look at why you're single. Be honest. I had a litany of reasons. Looks factor into it, but mostly it's about being available and not signalling unsuitability/ The former is both being around single people of the sort you'd want to date but also that would be interested in you. It's also not shutting them down by accident or pushing them away, (if in doubt you can just use words there's nothing wrong with saying I like you but I'm not comfortable doing that yet if they push a bit too far, how they react is more important than what they did honestly). Signalling unsuitability might be that you dress in a way that brings red flags, you might save stuff that actually scares suitable people off, you might overcompensate and get too rowdy or drunk I dunno. Women have a different minefield to navigate than men in that regard.

Also I lost my virginity at 27. It took me that long to get my shit together and sort the paragraph above out. I have not had a tonne of sexual partners but it wasn't a fluke. More importantly I've had a couple of loving relationships, or rather I had one which ended amiably and one which is going well right now. I only started making progress when I stopped worrying about "the curve" and where I sat relative to others. One more thing.

In terms of life expectancy health, happiness etc, having a good relationship improves every metric. However a bad one makes them worse. Single is the middle/neutral position but if you're in a shit relationship you also aren't available for someone good. Being single and dying alone beats spending most of your life with a turd and wishing you were dead.

Wet the bed during a weird dream. Can only sleep alone now.

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- Thu, 13 Aug 2020 02:40:26 EST yeRg/Cf/ No.535709
File: 1597300826720.png -(83825B / 81.86KB, 492x300) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Wet the bed during a weird dream. Can only sleep alone now.
I am male 26.
Dreamt about wearing one of the plastic-bags you put fruits into.
peed my bed and woke up. Thats the second time this year.
First time happened with a woman in my bed. SInce then I sleep alone most of the time.

need I be to be worried?
Am I a bedwetter now?

What now?

Do I need to be worried about my health?
I eat healthy and do sports on a regular basis already.
I would consider myself a healthy and fit person.

So why is this happening?
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Shit Nubblenark - Thu, 13 Aug 2020 20:45:19 EST uuDvUFDZ No.535722 Reply
>>535720
The lake is your pee, the mountain is you. The fruit clothes are your incompatibility with your grand parent’s hopes for your future.
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Betsy Millerkore - Thu, 13 Aug 2020 22:22:38 EST m8gMi16v No.535724 Reply
>>535720
What ex friends are these, like whats your relationship with them?

Whats your relationship with your grandparents? Are your grandparents special in some way, do you admire them? Hate them?
>>
Esther Bunnergold - Sat, 15 Aug 2020 13:34:42 EST rm7hi7eY No.535755 Reply
>>535724
my ex-friends moved away and my grandparents live so far away, I can't afford to visit them again so soon.

I just stopped replying to mail and calls from my grandparents because they rarely speak to me and mostly only talk about how their lifes suck.

I tricked myself into thinking I'm an artist

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- Thu, 06 Aug 2020 23:05:43 EST XXR+yDXG No.535631
File: 1596769543651.jpg -(43727B / 42.70KB, 450x600) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. I tricked myself into thinking I'm an artist
I realized I don't really have anything to say. All my songs are just about some pleasure I've had in the past or one I'm having in the moment, or my desire for one. I thought all I wanted to live for was to create and express and help other people struggling with similar struggles as me but I don't have ANYTHING worthwhile to say, do I? I just wanted the ego satisfaction of thinking I'm so great because I would eventually get some degree of fame or notoriety or appreciation. I just want pleasure. I'm just living for pleasure. I can't give a damn about anything else really. I hardly even care about my loved ones in a real and practical way. I say I love them, and that I'm there for them, but I don't go out of my way to help them. I don't check on them. I've even resented them and hated them at times. I'm not really looking for advice. I just wanted to say it somewhere. I wish I had the balls to kill myself. Because I'm a fucking waste. I'm sorry I failed.
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Priscilla Brumbletud - Wed, 12 Aug 2020 16:19:00 EST XXR+yDXG No.535706 Reply
>>535702
yeah i'm definitely brainwashed. i'm trying to untie my self-worth from the results of my actions, and just enjoy the actions i wanna do for the sake of enjoying them, artistic or not. it's hard though. easy to forget sometimes.

also i just wish more people were into it :/ bahhh see? sucked in again
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Uzd2that - Thu, 13 Aug 2020 19:10:42 EST itytveJA No.535721 Reply
>>535631

Hey OP, this is something that artists go through. You'll bounce back.

GF is controlling?

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- Sun, 09 Aug 2020 20:32:47 EST suOUJIIv No.535666
File: 1597019567157.jpg -(556854B / 543.80KB, 1522x1921) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. GF is controlling?
Last night I told my GF that I wanted to start smoking weed again, and she basically told me I couldn't. I love her more than weed but I don't want to have to pick, and I worry a bit that she's taking too much control of my life.

Backstory is that I had been doing weed for years when we got together but knew she didn't like it. When we moved out after a year or so together I quit completely, but before that I had been struggling with mental health problems (frequently panic attacks and depression) and was using weed as a crutch. Since then I've got a job and moved out with her, my mental health has much improved, though I still live with some anxiety and depression.

The conversation where I said I was thinking about doing weed again was really tense. She seemed really uncomfortable about it and said she didn't want to hang out with me high (I said we didn't have to hang out, she "but I want to hang out"). She asked me why I wanted to start again several times, I just said I liked it and wanted to. It was clear that she really didn't want me to but was struggling to come up with a reason why, or had problems expressing why. Eventually it was clear to me that she would be so upset every time I did do weed that it'd kinda ruin it for me, so I said I wouldn't and to forget about it. I'll be too anxious about her while high to enjoy anything.

Some additional context: we hang out ALL the time with each other and neither of us really know anyone else not online. She's weirdly controlling about certain things. Examples:
-she has asked me to text her during lunch every day,
  • gets very upset with me whenever I work late even though my job requires it frequently,
  • asks me to text a certain way so she doesn't think I'm upset,
  • can be critical when I talk about spending lots of money on stuff (I have plenty of money from my job and as such we don't have to worry about budgeting, she just doesn't trust that it's a good decision generally. It's for stuff on the scale of less than $1k))
  • can be really demanding about food and cleaning even though I'm the only one who cooks and cleans
None of these are too bad though-- I have to work late, sometimes can't text, and usually I'll just buy stuff anyway and she's cool with it as long as I don't mention the price when it comes. Occasionally she'll demand I do/don't do other stuff that makes me a little more uncomfortable, but it's fine. Most of the time I'll just do what she says.

I'll think frequently about breaking up because I want to live my life without worrying about this stuff, but I do love her and really want to make it work. We both struggle with anxiety and depression, and frankly if I were to break up with her I'd worry about her ability to take care of herself, keep her job, find a place she could rent where she wouldn't be miserable, and I'm scared she'd kill herself-- I'd really rather stay together and not do weed. Can I make her more comfortable with weed or is it a lost cause? I don't know how I would even start talking about it again, I can tell she doesn't want to talk about it
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Walter Heckleridge - Fri, 14 Aug 2020 14:42:11 EST L0ssE/BG No.535734 Reply
1597430531882.jpg -(491776B / 480.25KB, 2048x1536) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535707
Does this look like a dame that'd force their partner to never toke up?
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Basil Babbledet - Sat, 15 Aug 2020 07:22:28 EST L2FV8Wg5 No.535745 Reply
>>535699
>Ummm, no. That is not what the word means
Stop your bullshit. Leaving this place is a great option, staying and being toxic is a very shitty option, if you don't like it here and don't like the people.
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Nell Battingville - Sat, 15 Aug 2020 12:11:40 EST Wse4kvBA No.535749 Reply
1597507900832.jpg -(62355B / 60.89KB, 670x605) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535666
if she's that interested in controlling you she's probably not super into who you are as a person, if she was she wouldnt be trying to change anything. dump the ho smoke a bowl

Sober, bored, isolated and depressed.

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- Sat, 08 Aug 2020 14:22:16 EST 5B0QYsus No.535651
File: 1596910936676.jpg -(58891B / 57.51KB, 1100x762) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Sober, bored, isolated and depressed.
Hey /qq/, I haven't been on here in a while. Well, I'm currently going through dextroamphetamine withdrawal, smoked all of my weed about 5 days ago, have no friends whatsoever (I'm an extreme introvert.), have nowhere to go, and am feeling severely depressed.

I suppose I just would like to have somebody to talk to. I'm feeling so morbid from the amphetamine withdrawal that I've been considering suicide. I don't want to devastate my family however. They are only aware of my substance use to a certain degree and believe I am perfectly happy.

Just drinking coffee now and chain-smoking cigarettes. So, I don't know, how are you doing?
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Walter Clondlelag - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 18:26:51 EST xJBqNGwy No.535686 Reply
>>535684
Class bad. It hot. Me get job? (Hell, I'd be happy with an internship)
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Doris Fadgedodging - Wed, 12 Aug 2020 13:27:19 EST 5B0QYsus No.535704 Reply
>>535651

OP here. Yay! I found a 30 mg Adderall tablet and am feeling mild relief, also have a small amount of Cannabis now which too is helping.

I haven't had a Benzo script since 2016, thanks to abuse and withdrawal. So that's not an option for me, although they certainly would help.

Tomorrow I'll be withdrawaling again though, and this 30mg dosage isn't much. I normally take 100 mg of Adderall, sometimes 120-140mg because of tolerance. So yeah.

Glad I found some relief!
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Doris Fadgedodging - Wed, 12 Aug 2020 13:41:14 EST 5B0QYsus No.535705 Reply
OP here, listening to the album Twisted by Hallucinogen. It's a psychedelic trance/Goa trance album. Psytrance is all I listen to while high.

Especially good on psychedelic hallucinogens.

How do I do this (and preferably live through it?)

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- Tue, 28 Jul 2020 03:03:58 EST /p7iBRUF No.535476
File: 1595919838648.gif -(2945276B / 2.81MB, 220x209) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. How do I do this (and preferably live through it?)
I do not know what to do.

I am sick. I have never had a strong body, but about 8 years ago things went downhill quickly - my face literally melted off. I failed out of college because, during midterms, I was completely blinded by the immense quantity of discharge pouring through my eyes. I spent two long years seeking medical assistance, only to be rejected as things grew worse. Every joint in my body became agony, to the point I could stand up and walk maybe one or two days a week. Still I was refused any serious examination. The worst time I remember was when I had been referred to a hospital immunology clinic, where I was accused of having picked up syphilis; I thought this unlikely, but asked to be tested if that was possible. I was refused testing and kicked out of the clinic, with multiple curses about my 'lying' and about how "there is a boy in the next room allergic to dogs waiting for his allergy shots, stop wasting our time". I was never even prescribed NSAIDs for my pain.

I don't know if anyone here knows what pain delirium is, but it is a hell that makes you no longer a living, thinking human. When my pain was bad, the signalling would blind and deafen me - I must imagine the signalling was overloading my brain. I couldn't track time, or remember the day, or where I was, or even what my body looked like or that I was human. All that existed was pain. I would come to, unsure of the day, my throat slick from blood from screaming for hours.

After two long years of this, I determined that I would find a way out of this pain, or I would kill myself - I could not live with the pain any longer. In the time I was conscious and could focus through the pain, I compiled a long list of potential drugs that might help me. I ordered them in order of risk factor - first I tried OTC meds, then cannabis, and so on and so forth. By the time I neared the end of the list, nothing had worked to diminish my pain by more than 1 or 2%, and I had lost hope.

Heroin saved my life. Unlike oxycodone or other weaker agents, it actually diminished my pain. No amount would make it go away, but suddenly I could walk 6 days a week. I found a minimum wage job with my new abilities, leveraging family connections where I knew there was a sympathetic GM. My body deteriorated further with the work, but it was better than the alternative.

When I had the chance, once I had been using long enough to gain entry to the program, I entered a methadone program and completely quit heroin overnight. Methadone was a superior analgesic for my purposes, and its duration didn't hurt either. I enjoyed the lesser cognitive impact of the new medication.

Unfortunately, the sympathetic GM at work left, and was replaced with a person who hated my need to make time for a methadone clinic - clinics here can only legally operate in the morning, and they really wanted my working a 6 AM shift. This brought abuse, and when a neo-nazi manager hired a kid she was friends with, this kid greeted my by punching me before he'd said a word to me, and destroying my car. This same manager was in charge of investigating her friend, and found no fault. I walked. I was unemployed, but at least medicaid was covering my basic treatment. I have been unable to work since - nobody wants to hire someone who will randomly be unable to walk, or so pained they cannot even use a phone or keyboard (I have many long days and nights alone).

I should mention that I live with my parents. They have some wealth, but are barbaric. I have been raped and nearly murdered on various occasions over the years. Once I lost so much blood I faded in and out of consciousness for a week. When I fell into pain, I would be punished for screaming from the pain. I suspect my child abuse had something to do with stressing my body and activating autoimmune problems - there are strong links shown between the two. In any event, I am now completely at their mercy, no car, in the middle of nowhere, no friends around, stuck with them.

I want very badly to leave, but I don't know how. My county is extremely conservative and has basically zero real social services, no shelter, etc. I want to receive disability, but have not yet applied (need a doctor to write things up properly). It doesn't help that my healthcare is micromanaged - I was all but forced to select a doctor chosen by my large extensive family.

Furthermore, I do not trust that I will be all…
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Molly Cluzzlepedge - Sat, 01 Aug 2020 11:04:51 EST TtXni/Rr No.535542 Reply
>>535541
Domestic abuse shelters will take you in, male or female, easier if you are female (demand creating supply) call them and see which ones have spaces
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William Sogglebedge - Sat, 08 Aug 2020 22:11:45 EST Sp0vdWcZ No.535652 Reply
1596939105879.jpg -(97462B / 95.18KB, 625x661) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>535476

I relate to this a lot, I have physical problems that have torn me down over the years and that term pain delirium is rarely relatable. It really effects your personality, I'm sort of in a blessed situation. I know If I turn to hard painkillers it will take me even farther away than I have gone from myself. I wish you best of luck, it's deeply frustrating and painful to be unheard. Goodluck cowboy
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Edward Supperville - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 13:47:53 EST 5QoCYNA0 No.535683 Reply
>>535476
Go out with a bang man, there will be a next life.
If you're being honest, and only if this is the unbiased truth, burn them and you alive.
In almost all cases I'd advocate life over death.
But with so much pain, the voices of monsters screaming in terror would be the most soothing ending to a deeply depressing symphony.

I just feel suicidal - "Covid" fucked my entire life up

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- Wed, 05 Aug 2020 15:48:40 EST TNkQD65p No.535593
File: 1596656920499.jpg -(628152B / 613.43KB, 1920x961) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. I just feel suicidal - "Covid" fucked my entire life up
Some people talk about Covid like it's been nothing "hasnt effected them any" for me it's taken almost everything worth living in this world away.
I'd finally gotten my weight to a fit status after so long through indoor rock climbing and swimming training for almost a year. Visited some family out of state came back into town where I was prior after realizing it was a bust to go out there and try to "help" them and took a month to find a job.
I was working at the best job of my entire life, after spending years doing bullshit linecook work doing hard labor I was finally in a bakery where things made sense. I loved my coworkers, they weren't yelling at me - I had found a place for a decent price that allowed myself and my enthusiastic partner who can't work, a place to stay. When you're fem they always look at you weird when you're the provider and never think there's a reason why - just the judgement that theyre "using you" as if they don't have anything better than money to provide in life...
I finally saved enough to get back into climbing again and it happened.

I expected only to be out of work for maybe a week before I realized how srsbusiness the sheeple took this bullshit. I was out of work. No one in town had any work available for my education... I applied for unemployment but even a month later my stimulus and my unemployment hadn't come through and neither had a job.
I told my roomates what was up when the bills came due and told them I was looking for work and would pay them all back in full but they were resentful.
They started harrassing us, throwing eggs under the doors, making us feel like we needed to get out despite the rent pauses going on in the city.
I found a shit slave job owned by some N Koreans attempting to do some line cook work but being treated like shit the entire time. No breaks, not kindness, no food, serving trash food.

I finally got my check in, luckily, but not so much. They helped until I could find my current job at least.. There was no place for us to go. We had to find something out of state ironically it was cheaper in CA now than in OR because of the migration.... completely opposite in terms of natural beauty of where we were staying prior to be closer to his family. Middle of the desert nothingness suburbia shithole. I'm grateful that I could get a work from home job so I could at least find some way to make money but it is so hollow and empty in meaning - I don't do anything but blow smoke up peoples asses trying to pretend I can get them benefits for helping their bill prices when I know really by first hand experience that if you rent /and/ pay your own electric you're already making way over the income limit.
I've started gaining all of my old weight back. I don't want to walk around at 104 degree weather I don't feel safe leaving at night to go try to exercise "at the park" when I do have the time.

There's nothing open to do - still don't have a vehicle even after trying to "save up" for one by scrounging poverty for 10 years. If you don't have a helping hand up you're just going to be stuck carrying around 3 cases of luggage on a greyhound to try to find a place to live every 5 months when you can't pay your rent because bills and food took priority over rent and when you have all three of those you're spending money on and still only making 10 an hour after working your trade for 8 years you certainly can't "save" to get a vehicle.


I'm just over it
everything

I'm glad I have a job ... so they should tell me I should feel. But I'm tired of playing their game. The capitalist system is broken. I am just trying to hold on to what emotionally valuable possessions I have left but I'm close to just forgetting all about it.
I'm not sure where to go or what to do I just understand that this is not where I saw myself when I was 17. I didn't spend my teenage years locked up in my home because my parents were neglectful assholes to finally escape that, only to be told by daddy government that I can't do anything I've ever wanted to do my entire life because everything is "Shut Down"
I think about all of the elderly and premature deaths this year who will die without being able to do what they wanted in the last moments of their life.
I think about ho…
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Wesley Dartham - Sat, 08 Aug 2020 05:31:35 EST 6hKQAnke No.535645 Reply
>>535642
Why not try and think about positive things instead?
Like how you still have your health, or the fact that you have someone who loves you and cares for you. There are a lot of things you could use to help you elevate your mood, instead of filling your mind with negativity.
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Ebenezer Fuckleketch - Sat, 08 Aug 2020 07:35:53 EST Wv0LJm+H No.535646 Reply
>>535632
>a half mill is literally as much as pneumonia or flu or Heart disease or car crashes
There are those who are upset that their country has 3x modifier on the death rate...they have a valid complaint, don't they? I think the situation is a little more nuanced at this point than people dying of an illness.
But you know 😉 🤭
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Shitting Tootdock - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 10:55:55 EST 3ScQQ4dj No.535682 Reply
sometimes life just forces you to slow down and eat shit, you'll be alright

New relationship and they like being Friends with their ex

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- Sun, 09 Aug 2020 14:48:36 EST 1+Zi0vj4 No.535659
File: 1596998916453.jpg -(121331B / 118.49KB, 1200x900) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. New relationship and they like being Friends with their ex
If you just entered into a new relationship with someone and they are friends with their ex, do you see that as a red flag?
I mentioned that I dislike it and my new partner said "there is no attraction there i always stay friends with them, you have nothing to worry about etc" and sort of acted like I was being unreasonable.
I'm about ready to pack this one in and call it wraps. What do you guys think?
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Nathaniel Goodford - Sun, 09 Aug 2020 20:51:02 EST suOUJIIv No.535667 Reply
Whenever people worry about platonic relationships that their partner has usually the problem is between you and your partner. If you worry about your partner hanging out with someone who they say there's nothing going on with, you have trust problems. This isn't necessarily your fault though, it could mean that there's just not enough love and openness in your relationship. Maybe try talking with them about it? Good luck.
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Phineas Buzzwill - Sun, 09 Aug 2020 22:35:31 EST iA5UXn8f No.535668 Reply
If it makes you uncomfortable then leave. NEITHER of you should be forced to compromise on something like that.

You can always get high and jack off
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Nell Clapperworth - Mon, 10 Aug 2020 08:46:28 EST UCVl/O8b No.535678 Reply
>>535659
>I always stay friends with them
Because that way she can say she's never had a breakup that was her fault.



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