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420chan is Getting Overhauled - Changelog/Bug Report/Request Thread (Updated July 26)

Born as a disabled aspie

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- Fri, 19 Jul 2019 01:37:36 EST HhJE3hc8 No.530513
File: 1563514656661.jpg -(141840B / 138.52KB, 750x1017) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Born as a disabled aspie
I am tired sometimes I am not suicidal or homocidal just wish I was born normal.
Sucks to have people look down on you like a piece of poop.
But thats them brakes eh? I just feel down. I attempt to eat healthy and try to stay active. I am not a musclebro but sort of a beefcake. I just cant totally relate to this new generation. Always feel akward even when participating in discussions of topics. Sometimes i think i could just be insane i did seek mental health and they just wanted me to keep taking benzos. Sure the benzos make me forget i am anaspie and i feel like a normal person for 4 hours but its just a crutch. I manage to fight my high anxoety off but still get bouts of it strong as hell.
10 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Nicholas Handlelock - Wed, 31 Jul 2019 20:05:11 EST loFqoohq No.530707 Reply
Bro I paid for a specially made night guard but since my teeth only touch on the back four teeth it creates way too much pressure on them and basically felt like I was gunna break my teeth from the level of pain I felt after trying to wear it for a couple nights.

Read up that they aren't an effective treatment option if your teeth aren't all sharing the load of the bite evenly.

Ive tried just about everything they have thrown at me.

I also have read that botox injections help with reversing overdeveloped masseter muscles due to bruxism. Since they are being overworked they get so strong and buff that the only way for them to "weaken" or go back to normal is to basically freeze your ability to move them. Little by little muscle atrophy will return your muscles back to their original shape.

Botox is some str8 poison though so be careful wit that shi..

And yeah man being instantly judged and categorized as scum is total bullshit but i've learned to see peoples reactions towards me as a reflection into their soul not as a reflection of my own worth. Its taken a long time and a lot of self hate and depression to get over but it's taught me a big lesson.

Some people are so fucking petty that's enough to classify you as subhuman. And that's just a reflection of their lack of humanity and the darkness and vanity that lies within their soul.

One thing a certain anon told me years ago that has given me a lot of strength was...

Well you may be 20 yrs old (at that time) and this may seem like a tragic event or even the end of the world (end of my dreams of having a family, happy normal life they sell us) but it's only the end of "this one possible world you coulda lived". In 5 or ten years your problems will be minimized you will be in a better position. and time is the great equalizer... eventually everyone will end up with fucked up teeth, fake teeth, crowns, implants, dentures, etc. Your just running a few miles ahead of the pack and falling into pitfalls that that they have no idea what its like or how to get out of.

BUT EVENTUALLY they will be there.. they will suffer.. and even if they don't remember you and how they taunted you... were all human and we have the same problems.

Thats a bad paraphrase but basically in 10-20 yrs it will be meaningless.
Phyllis Dondlekodge - Wed, 31 Jul 2019 22:01:55 EST jnas4L6T No.530710 Reply

yeah inject neurotoxic poison into the muscles you use to chew, should be gravy
Jarvis Horringcheck - Wed, 31 Jul 2019 23:06:10 EST 3A/9rSkO No.530713 Reply
The dose makes the poison, fuckwads. You're on a drug board, you should at least understand that.

Don't know anymore

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- Tue, 11 Dec 2018 22:07:44 EST PMiKxfAC No.528082
File: 1544584064372.jpg -(195936B / 191.34KB, 752x1334) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Don't know anymore
I honestly feel like my heart has turned into ice and it's hard as stone. I have no love for anyone anymore because I feel so disconnected from reality and people. My life has been nothing but a black hell I've been trapped in since I was born. Nothing good has come out of anything I've tried to do for myself to improve upon my life. I don't even know who I am anymore. I become darker and darker as time passes. I don't love my own mother anymore even. I was physically abused for years until I had a nervous breakdown at 16yrs old and was diagnosed with full blown schizophrenia and depression. Things have just gotten worse for me over the years since then. I don't think I'll ever be able to recover from what the abuse did to my heart and mind. I feel so lonely and unwanted. Sometimes I wish I was never born and my mom did have a miscarriage with me like she almost did when she was pregnant with me. Why the fuck am I even here?

You guys are the only people I talk to period since I have no friends. You people are the only ones who I feel I can relate to. Other than that, I have nothing left in my heart except for darkness and hatred. I cant do anything to fix this. I've tried getting help and nothing seems to work.

Can someone help me?
84 posts and 16 images omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Martha Gimmlesurk - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 21:07:11 EST N/uJd9MT No.531392 Reply
So have you followed through with any of the things you said you were gonna do in this thread OP?
Cedric Grandfoot - Fri, 30 Aug 2019 00:15:59 EST GRSuotNm No.531394 Reply

  • got clean and sober. It's been 3 months post suboxone taper
  • got some therapists lined up that I have to call tomorrow

After what happened last night and how upset and shitty I felt today I've decided to truly get help for my issues that have been plaguing me for a very long time. I want to be able to get better mentally and emotionally and spiritually so I can move on and start a new chapter on my life full of happiness and success. I've been engulfed in darkness and my demons have been tearing my soul apart for years on end. I'm tired of it and I'm going to do whatever it takes to be the person who I know I can be truly be and show everyone who I truly am when the time comes.

Basically, I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I'm taking action and go to therapy so I can get well and better 110% no matter how long it takes. I will do everything in my power to turn my life around and walk down a new path. I will start anew and I want to change myself inside and out. Like I said, however long it takes to get better and well I will always be making progress day by day and step by step.

I'm done posting in here. I'll come back in a few months and update you guys on how I'm doing.

Until then, peace.
William Ponninghall - Fri, 30 Aug 2019 14:02:06 EST t1LmLTGr No.531416 Reply
Good stuff, man. Trust the process. Lean into it. Get a treatment plan with exercises and then do the exercises.

Tracking people

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- Tue, 27 Aug 2019 08:22:04 EST 74saW8QK No.531323
File: 1566908524688.jpg -(29303B / 28.62KB, 500x592) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Tracking people
I have very uncommon hobby - I used to track people from my apartment ( 8fl) with binocular or other optic tools. Recently I dpopped my lovely binocular from the balcony.. How can I stop?
9 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Eliza Sinnerstot - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 11:56:51 EST tLnTz44g No.531378 Reply
Jesus fucking christ.
James Biddlechit - Fri, 30 Aug 2019 06:06:13 EST mDf2bJ5P No.531398 Reply
We appreciate but you should remember that such a tracking is illegal.
David Cleppertodge - Fri, 30 Aug 2019 07:10:36 EST aAk3sE59 No.531401 Reply

Something's Wrong

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- Wed, 14 Aug 2019 09:25:49 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531012
File: 1565789149870.jpg -(63869B / 62.37KB, 720x380) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Something's Wrong
I'll try to keep this short.
I feel like something's wrong with me. My life is objectively the best it's ever been in terms of ease and security, and yet I feel it's getting harder and harder to get through each day.

I feel like it started around 2 years ago when my girlfriend moved in with me. At first I thought I just needed an adjustment period from living alone my whole adult life, but here we are 2 years later, and if anything, the feeling is getting worse (or at least harder to ignore).

The thing is, I don't really know if it's living with her that's making me feel this way.
I feel the worst when I'm at work. I have such a hard time getting up some mornings, and there are days when I get to my desk and want to just cry.
I pretty much always feel better at home. I just took a week-long trip with my girlfriend, and it was the best time I've had in ages. I enjoyed myself, and I enjoyed being with her. So that means being around her probably isn't the cause, right?

I know I wasn't always happy before my girlfriend. I was lonely and felt like a loser. I had no friends.
And yet, I also feel like I enjoyed myself. I had fun, did things, looked forward to things.
Now whenever I try to engage in one of my previous pastimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
I feel like the weekends are pointless because I'll just be facing down another Monday morning in 48 hours. There used to be a time where I was actually ready to go back to work on Monday, because I had gotten bored from the weekend.
Now I can't remember the last time I felt fully rested even after a 3 day weekend.
I feel like everything is becoming a struggle, and I rarely have anything to look forward to. The only cure I've found is to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to feel bad (but that usually just leads elevated stress, so it's a trade-off).

The other alternative is weed. Before my girlfriend, I would drink a controlled amount to get drunk maybe 1-2 times a week, like Friday/Saturday night.
After she moved in, I was binge-drinking 3-4 times a week, sometimes spending whole days drunk (only on my days off work), and not limiting myself to the controlled amounts I had been before. Eventually it started to backfire though, and I would find myself feeling even worse than I would otherwise the morning after, so the past few months I've started shifting to weed instead.
Weed doesn't have the negative effects alcohol does, but I've gone from using it maybe once every few months to multiple times a week. It's gotten to the point where I've seriously started to consider micro-dosing edibles in the morning just so I won't feel like having a breakdown at my desk.

My gut is telling me I need to change something in my life, but I don't want to leave my girlfriend, and my job is too sweet a gig to give up.
I feel like there's something wrong with me, and I don't know what to do.
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Martin Baffingwit - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 00:07:15 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531363 Reply
This is OP again.
I think I may have figured it out, or at least stumbled on to something.

I was high last night and I had the realization that I'm never able to really relax anymore. Not like I used to.
Sure I can sit on the couch and watch TV, but I can never just... be at total ease. There are things that are now constantly vying for my attention 24 hours a day (my girlfriend and her pets) that I didn't have to deal with when I lived alone.
It's no wonder I want to cry on Monday morning because I feel like I've had 0 respite over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I was able to really relax like I used to. I think I've been using marijuana/alcohol to turn off the noisy part of my brain so I can just be at peace for a couple of hours.

My long term gameplan is to outlive the pets, but what can I do in the meantime?
Eliza Gandlestone - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 11:49:27 EST hiKxQg3e No.531376 Reply
Maybe a change of scenery would do you some good! A road trip is what we used to do when we'd get ennui and cabin fever. It really helps, you can just run around in nature, see new things, make friends to be pen pals later. I highly recommend it.
Eliza Sinnerstot - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 11:58:41 EST tLnTz44g No.531379 Reply
Functional meditation can help you be more present in moments so you don't feel like your participation is so superficial.

What's it called when

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- Tue, 06 Aug 2019 12:01:39 EST hiKxQg3e No.530817
File: 1565107299885.gif -(258693B / 252.63KB, 550x413) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. What's it called when
people claim to be innocent after trying to harm you? For example, when I was a child, there was a kid in my 3rd grade class who would suckerpunch people when they were alone together and then claim he was being bullied. In adulthood, this takes on a grander form, mostly in a manner consistent with "I will blackmail and threaten you" which turns into "Stop blackmailing and threatening me" when I fight back.

Is there a name for this beyond just being a duplicitous asshole in general?
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Henry Fobbersin - Wed, 07 Aug 2019 11:46:59 EST XiHtpV2+ No.530848 Reply
I gave you a nice reply defending you and you're calling me triggered?

Finding your ideal therapist type

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- Thu, 29 Aug 2019 06:30:36 EST hiKxQg3e No.531369
File: 1567074636278.jpg -(46825B / 45.73KB, 500x587) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Finding your ideal therapist type
>younger woman
>stridently feminist, low-key misandrist
>Christian prude
>into new-age concepts like "mindfulness" but materialistic
>bad at keeping secrets, nosy, gossipy, busybody
>Calls you an addict for smoking weed but smokes weed on Sundays
>Keeps a copy of the SCUM manifesto and a dried turd from Melody Beattie's bedpan under her pillow

I went through like three of these when I wasn't under control over my choice of therapist. I had a lot of unsatisfactory therapists, but it was a horrible match. I even had the same therapist as my partner at some point and she just flagrantly violated HIPAA, tried to triangulate my relationship, and talked nothing but shit when she didn't know I could hear or get it through the grapevine.

They put me with a younger gay doc that was better but not perfect for me. I gotta say the worst was an old man who was absolutely completely burnt out and seemed to have nothing but contempt for his patients and staff. I didn't mind the older woman of color I had for a bit, gave good advice, but too spiritual to connect deeply enough to make fundamental progress with essentially a nihilist.

I have a therapist I use but he's not covered by insurance. Thinking of finding one that works for me, but burnt out about going through all the types.

I want somebody who I can talk to issues about and will treat me with more respect than these people, won't flagrantly violate HIPAA with my family, and doesn't try to triangulate my relationships. How do you select your therapist, /qq/?
Eliza Gevingpadging - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 17:01:05 EST Sjfg2Tup No.531388 Reply
Unfortunately it's very hit and miss, and sometimes you don't know how someone clicks with you until you've already spent (wasted??) hours and hundreds of dollars with them.

For the most part, I've been extremely fortunate with therapists with a handful of utter trash ones mixed in. Like the granola mom art therapist that dropped me after I went on a break with my GF and blew a guy. And the old PhD who loved to hear HIMSELF talk and told me I couldn't control my thoughts so don't even bother (what)

Just keep trying. You'll know a good fit when you find them. Sometimes you can talk to the provider, if you're under insurance, and specify guidelines you need to heal - like LGBT friendly, deals with specific types of trauma, uses specific methods, etc.

Good luck!

This is too much

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- Tue, 27 Aug 2019 19:22:14 EST divoaUvf No.531337
File: 1566948134620.jpg -(330483B / 322.74KB, 1080x1072) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. This is too much
It happened this sunday, and I thought it'd get less worse with time. I used to play with him every single day, he used to greet me every single day when I came back home, he was always in my room by my side, he was my only friend and for 15 years, ever since I was a kid. Now he's dead because I'm fucking stupid. I heard a dog cry, it was so quiet that I only noticed that it was him by the second time, which was around 20 minites later. I looked for him everywhere, I thought that he was stuck outside (sometimes when my mom leaves with her car he escapes to sniff the neighborhood) blocked by the fence and was crying because he wanted me to open the gate and then gave up and went for a walk, so I looked for him in the entire neighborhood, but I forgot to check the fucking pool because I'm a fucking retard.

For how long did he struggle in that pool, waiting for me to pick him up? Just what kind of unbearable pain did he go through because of my insane stupidity? He never bit anyone, never did anything wrong, he didn't deserve this horrible pain, no one deserves this horrible pain. And now the house is empty, I no longer have the only creature that gave me a reason to live by my side, not that I deserve to live after what happened.
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Ernest Grandstone - Wed, 28 Aug 2019 10:45:58 EST +KTYM74/ No.531352 Reply
I agree with the others that it's not your fault. and I know you're not in a place right now to believe us when we say this, because maybe you think we don't want to hurt your feelings etc.
but this is an anonymous message board. believe me, if I thought this was in any way your fault, I'd say it.

15 years is very old age for a dog. my last cat lived about a year too long for her liking. having loved ones taken away suddenly hurts, but seeing them suffer for months while they slowly lose their will to live is a more regretful pain.

because his death is so recent there's nothing any of us can say to take away the pain of his loss. mourn him. mourn him for as long as you need but don't dwell on "what could have been". life's short enough that it won't take too long to be reunited with the dead.
Augustus Sillysan - Wed, 28 Aug 2019 17:03:11 EST kacwUZ9h No.531358 Reply
Not gonna lie, you've got a tough time ahead OP.

I've been there. A few years ago my girlfriend forgot to lock her gate, her dog got out and went missing. We spent hours looking for him, couldn't sleep, made posters, the whole thing, only to find out the next day he'd been run over by a car mid morning after wandering the streets all night.

This won't ever go away, OP. It will get easier to bear with time, but it's a part of you now, and it's going to take a good, long time before you're able to adjust to this new normal.

However, it's okay to forgive yourself. Guilt is only useful insofar as it stops you from making the same mistake again.
You've learned your lesson OP, so it's okay to let go of the guilt.
Ian Clocklegold - Wed, 28 Aug 2019 20:05:48 EST eSN1mlJR No.531362 Reply
I mean it seems like your pool is a death trap. Surely there should be some steps or something that your dog could have rested on. God forbid a kid end up in there.

In need of relationship advice

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- Fri, 23 Aug 2019 17:04:03 EST hEhIvdDq No.531258
File: 1566594243381.jpg -(36998B / 36.13KB, 720x562) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. In need of relationship advice
I've been dating this chick for about 2 months now
She dumped her bf
Well i thought it seemed like everything was going good, she seemed like she was super into me and wanted to spend every day with me
One day last week while we were tripping out on mushrooms I grabbed her phone and checked her texts Because I had a feeling that something shady was going on and I had to see what was up
I went to the texts between her and her ex and like every single text (one of which was sent while I was sitting next to her) said "I love you" "I miss you" and I kinda broke down, grabbed all of my belongings and took off and she eventually convinced me to come back... And within a couple days we kinda worked things out but I feel like she's way more distant and I'm starting to lose feelings like crazy and am starting to get more and more paranoid.
I'm not sure what to do... Help me out
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Hugh Bummerstone - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 11:03:45 EST jTGkEsHU No.531329 Reply
>I like it how no one cares that OP totally violated this womans privacy.
Why do you say that?

And why do you *like* it?
Eugene Chupperbedge - Wed, 28 Aug 2019 00:27:16 EST 8TUkYG+W No.531342 Reply

I appreciate the naive place (that causes lots of people to get needlessly hurt) where you're coming from but the chocolate covered strawberries shit made me laugh my ass off.

OP, this woman is playing the field and clearly has feelings for her ex. You guys were just fucked up enough that you had an opportunity to see something that you weren't meant to.

This is a big red flag, and the right thing to do is run away and cut your mind off from her.

In relationship and still depressed

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- Thu, 08 Aug 2019 02:54:46 EST 4ib52sHp No.530862
File: 1565247286707.jpg -(61333B / 59.90KB, 640x1136) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. In relationship and still depressed
I now have a girlfriend but i feel totally alone and depressed all the time... Is this normal
Like... I do love her.. But I'm nust so sad and bummed out all the time and it just doesn't feel right... I don't want to break up with her but I also don't want to get more and more distant to the point that she breaks up with me....

Can somebody please give me some advice?
5 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
Molly Blullyfoot - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 01:25:38 EST f7KUEZx3 No.531321 Reply
Getting into a relationship doesn't make you happy. Maybe even worse since you now have obligations and responsibilities you didn't already have and are already likely struggling to just exist day to day.

I've played music for years and only for small periods with other people. Music is usually a solo deal for me and at my own pace. I felt depressed and joined a couple locals bands to try and get me "out of my comfort zone" again or whatever. Just being around people I guess. And it made the situation worse as I don't have the energy to perform live, or practice the sets or anything like that. Then I had to drop out, or in your case; break up which made me feel even shittier.

Advice about mental problems is rarely good if given by non-professionals. I took the advice of a couple of people to get back into playing with bands and shit. When in reality, hardcore prescription drugs are the only thing And have always been the only thing that can pull me out of a suicidal spiral into nothingness and endless sleeping and feeling tired.
Eliza Goodlock - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 09:14:17 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531327 Reply
Just curious, after you got on prescription drugs, did you rejoin the band(s)?
Molly Blullyfoot - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 13:57:58 EST f7KUEZx3 No.531332 Reply
Nope. I'm too zombified to barely hold down a part time job.

That's the kicker yo, working full time and getting insurance I end up missing work because I can't function well and basically end up sleeping the entire time I'm not working. Working part time I get no insurance and have to pay for meds and doctors visits out of pocket which drains a huge amount of money away. I don't even break even lol.

And if I don't take prescription benzo's I can't think about anything other than suicide and get a wicked body load from incredible anxiety. I'm also in a career field or whatever where taking anti-depressants and shit bars me from doing stuff since the doctors are afraid to clear me for anything because of liability suits. So I can basically work part time in shitty jobs and take my meds, or I can work full time and save a tiny bit of money and not take my meds, or I can just do nothing and stay at home for long periods of time and not take my meds.

>Life sucks, I can't wait to die. I'd off myself but I don't know what is on the other side, and every religion and society says that a slave that liberates themselves through suicide is damned for all eternity. I doubt that is really the case and I'm already atheist but well, if you get it wrong.... ya know lol.

dunce support

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- Mon, 26 Aug 2019 17:02:58 EST VLaW5ukW No.531310
File: 1566853378110.png -(197913B / 193.27KB, 414x552) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. dunce support
I guess I fit the standard definition of a dunce. I was put into special classes as a child to intermediary school and in most academic classes I end up performing at the bottom, slow learner etc. Have been diagnosed with ADHD although I do believe the problem is more specific learning disorder or even deficits in working memory. ADHD meds seemed to help at first, but the insomnia they produce outweighs the benefit of taking them (I've dropped the dose so low to prevent insomnia I can't even tell the difference between taking them and not taking them)

I'm now in my mid 20's and it's formed into such a psychological complex for me that often I'm embarrased or display avoidance behaviours in almost every learning environment i'm thrown in that involves a class or group of people.

How do I reframe my attitude so I'm not always shitting on myself when I come last in every race?
Hugh Bummerstone - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 11:09:02 EST jTGkEsHU No.531331 Reply
Get behavioral therapy for your confidence issues. You aren't using the skills you have because your entire life has been focused on overcoming who you are when there's nothing to be overcome. Your existence here is predicated on nothing and you have as much right to a high quality, rich life as anyone else. Don't let their IEPs and their reports and their remediation plans define you and who you are. You probably don't even know what that is because you were never allowed to explore it, you were shoved into special ed where they don't teach you to be anything but a poor fuckup in need of services. Break out of it right away.

large employment gap

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- Fri, 23 Aug 2019 00:04:46 EST 4i3/8z8o No.531228
File: 1566533086848.jpg -(226413B / 221.11KB, 1200x930) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. large employment gap
Has QQ ever found itself dealing with long-term unemployment/several year resume gaps?
Personally I've dun goofed and found myself having pretty much failed to seek employment 3 years after finishing a bachelor's degree [in software engineering]. The reasons: bad habits from being used to doing shit jobs where employment gaps didn't matter for shit, psychological problems, and then burning out right after finishing said degree and amassing a whopping two months of work using my newly-acquired skillset.
Finally I have found the energy to deal with the problem, but I am pretty much at a loss on what to do. How do I actually deal with the gap? Employers seemed to be offput by a 1 year gap when I scored a handful of interviews a couple of years back. Me being on my early 30s probably didn't help, either. Realistically, am I stuck outside of the regular employment loop and should I simply just go for other avenues (freelancing and competing with indians, self-employment, own business, being a drug mule)?
5 posts omitted. Click View Thread to read.
George Sumblespear - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 00:44:21 EST J6KyYR1G No.531318 Reply
no. but wouldn't think it's a plus you're a go-getter or and understand how business could work. or shows you're a hard worker
Molly Blullyfoot - Tue, 27 Aug 2019 01:20:37 EST f7KUEZx3 No.531320 Reply
> write you owned a business for a few years that's a bad thing on a resume

Not really. First off, don't list it as a business. In the eyes of the tax code, yes you're a business. On a resume you were self-employed as a single freelancer or whatever.

You completely missed the point of my post.

I've worked jobs recently having scrimped and saved for a while to where if they tell me to do something utterly insane, dangerous, or illegal I tell them to fuck off. Then they try and flex on me by saying they'll write me up or fire me. In the area and field I'm in, threatening legal action means I have to move and start over with new contacts as you'll be blacklisted for threatening legal action against something an employer is doing illegally. It sucks but so are the rules of the trade and life isn't fair and all. But having my own money and wealth and situation secured with no debt, I can sling it right back at them and tell them to jump into a volcano because I quit. Bosses and supervisors hate, and I mean absolutely fucking hate people who don't give a fuck and can't be bossed around.

I've seen dudes who are married, have a shiny 80k dollar truck and 40k boat sitting out in the parking lot at work with 3 kids get just utterly abused and in 2 instances, fucked up on the job because some blowhard cockfaced asswipe needs a powertrip for 10 minutes because their dick is 2" long. It is honestly one of the most sickening things I've seen in life and it happens daily at every place I've worked at. A guy with huge loads of debt to service every month and a wife and kids and all that shit is a good pawn to hold. He has too much to loose and can't afford to lose his job so he can be put through hell and back. To where as any amount of bullshit someone gives me results in me being a brickwall to it. I don't give a fuck because I don't need any job at all. It is like trying to threaten to kill a suicidal person. Like nigga, idgaf, you're doing me a favor asshole. Good job fucktard.

The last thing you want an employer to know at any point is that you don't need their employment. The general hivemind of American citizens is that they should be thankful for having a job. It is in reality a 2 way street if you aren't a consumerist whore. You give them labor/skills for money/benefits. And it is nothing more or less. I've worked on some jobs for less than a week because I show up and the boss is nothing but a lying bullshitter. And his employees were all either feeble drunks, or no-show kids who can't work more than 2-3 days a week without disappearing and no calling. And his bullshit went hand in hand. And I am a very skilled person and am never late or have bullshit that carries into work. I work hard and outperform 95% of the slobs in this country. I'm not trying to talk myself but the bar is just set so fucking low that if you're in any blue-collar field, everyone is nearly a piece of shit or a drunk. Or both. But employers expect this level of underperformance and bullshit by the employees. And the pay and abuse goes hand in hand. You get a guy in the job that works like me and it is just unprecedented outside of higher fields of work. The lower level management schlubs like supervisors and crew leaders want you gone if you have an intelligence because you'll call them out for their laziness and bullshit and upper management will displace them for you. I've seen it time and time again through my 20's. A fuckhead cunt in his 40's playing tough guy who promotes me rapidly the first few months on the job and then when I don't brown nose or bow down to bullshit and sneakiness, I get pushed out as the upper management starts taking notice. I've had performance reviews withheld, bonuses fucked with, pay fucked with, lies about qualifications being redacted and all kinds of shit. I'm not going to sugar coat it, Americans are fucking awful. I expect this is the same elsewhere but I have no experience. Everyone, and I mean everyone with an IQ over probably 103 is a snake and trying to serve themselves. It doesn't matter if you're in a corporation with 1000 employees or a mom-n-pop deal. Everyone is trying to get over on everyone. I'm honest, and brutally so at that. Anything that is bullshit gets called out and it has made a rough life for me. I don't recommend it, I&…
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- Sun, 25 Aug 2019 00:51:54 EST ooOWoSq/ No.531281
File: 1566708714526.jpg -(4056074B / 3.87MB, 4656x3492) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Sad.
I feel sad.
I work too much.
I miss my Couch.
I have one day off a week.
I want to finish my flight/train/racing simulator.
I need medication.
I would enjoy more than 7 hours of sleep.
Isabella Clessleman - Sun, 25 Aug 2019 01:36:54 EST 2TrSkpKT No.531282 Reply
>I feel sad.

Don't be

>I work too much.

Work less

>I miss my Couch.

Get couch

>I have one day off a week.

Get two

>I want to finish my flight/train/racing simulator.

Do it

>I need medication.

Get it

>I would enjoy more than 7 hours of sleep.

Angus Seshpadge - Sun, 25 Aug 2019 13:55:31 EST hrWO3Ywm No.531296 Reply
Any way you can make some time to get eight uninterrupted hours of sleep every night?

Closeted Schizophrenia

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- Sat, 24 Aug 2019 02:10:53 EST Hsr0pHXv No.531273
File: 1566627053791.gif -(162683B / 158.87KB, 650x696) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Closeted Schizophrenia
I got sick when I was a teenager, went into a deep and prolonged period of paranoia and psychosis, diagnosed schizophrenia, put on meds, put on disability, put through therapy. I kept going off the meds and trying to hide it because I just couldn't stand the side effects, eventually I stopped hiding it and went off them legit, with CBT and the various mindfulness techniques and stuff they taught me in therapy I got a pretty good handle on keeping my mind straight without them.
I still never went back to work or a real life, but I started piecing my memory back together, getting my thoughts more coherent for verbal and written communication, keeping myself grounded and delusions out. It got to the point for a while I was starting to think they had me misdiagnosed, it was just a psychotic episode caused by drugs and stress and depression or whatever, and I could put myself back together and get on with life.
I lost all my old friends when it first happened, and never really managed to make new ones, I have some old and very close online friends who I kept in contact through the whole thing but I've never actually talked about what was happening, other times when I have let it get out it feels like that just becomes you, you're the schizo in the group, and nothing gets to be the same even if you're not sick.
So I keep it to myself and try to move on.

I'm worried I'm getting worse again though. I'm slipping more and more into paranoid thinking, nonsensical thinking. I can still tell myself what's real, I can still focus my mind and push thoughts off to the side, but they keep popping back in stronger. Even if I know it's not true, even if I know the chemical process behind it and the techniques to ground myself in reality away from it I still can't stop the thought "she poisoned you", "they're testing you, they know you know", "they're disgusted by you" from slamming into my head. I think I've also been slipping in self care and dealing with negative symptoms, getting more lethargic, just forgetting to shower and not noticing how grimy I am, maybe I'm just depressed and it's just making everything a little bit harder, I don't know.
The only person I can talk to who knows about this stuff already is my mom and I don't want her to have to deal with it, to worry or hurt because I'm not ok.
I've been mulling over trying to figure out what to say or to who cause I can't just keep this to myself anymore, so I guess I'm just typing this out here for the sake of saying it somehow, I never come to this board anyway.

I love life and want to live as much of it as I can, over the last few years I've worked off and on and traveled abroad, started writing again and thinking about going back to school. Went from sharing a public housing apartment in the ghetto with my mom to sharing a nice house on 2 acres outside the city with her.
But I'm terrified if this is another peak before another valley, if I keep getting worse and this was just a window of clarity.
At a work rehabilitation thing I went to there was this guy with schizophrenia I'll call Timmy. He was far gone, he hunched and moved in weird ways, couldn't make eye contact with anyone, would suddenly snap to attention and wave and say hello to someone with no warning, not stopping until they said hello back. A staff member had to sniff him every day to see if he was clean enough to be allowed into the kitchen, sometimes they'd tell him to change, sometimes they'd tell him to go home, sometimes he had shit himself. He was kind, and he made me sad. I don't want to be Timmy.
I can't go back on the meds, they kill your emotions, keep away the troubling feelings by stopping you from feeling anything at all, no hopes no dreams just a fuzzy grey blanket to smother yourself in.

my battery's about to run out so I guess I'm done, thanks.
James Ponnerson - Sat, 24 Aug 2019 08:05:59 EST 8TOhyyP3 No.531274 Reply
You grew out of it. Most people do. They don't like to talk about it.
Jenny Cimmlewan - Sat, 24 Aug 2019 16:42:02 EST uVfRE+NP No.531277 Reply
I definitely think you should tell whatever professionals you associate/used to associate with about this since they taught you how to "keep grounded" last time.

like any other disease it may flare up, but the same treatment that made it subside can be done again. It will take pretty extreme symptoms for someone to force you to take drugs, so I wouldn't fear that; however, being avoidant to all drugs may cause you to never try the one that works. There is so many different drugs that are slightly different, so most won't help, but one of them could.

Some psychiatrists just are like a broken record and try the same drug over and over again. A good one will know what the drugs do and how they often work. not every drug is sedating or a "mood stabilizer." If it sucks stop taking it and try another.

Or you could ignore all of that. you have experienced, relief without drugs. You seem to be in the same position as before the first treatment, so you should attempt the same methods used before.
Everyone forgets any idea slowly, Its not just you.

Consider that your paranoia about paranoia is just another trick your mind is playing on you as well
Isabella Clessleman - Sat, 24 Aug 2019 23:20:46 EST 2TrSkpKT No.531278 Reply
>I can't go back on the meds, they kill your emotions, keep away the troubling feelings by stopping you from feeling anything at all, no hopes no dreams just a fuzzy grey blanket to smother yourself in.

At least you have a choice whether you can go back on the meds or not to. I'm on an antipsychotic and I don't have a choice, even thought I don't need it.

>I'm worried I'm getting worse again though. I'm slipping more and more into paranoid thinking, nonsensical thinking. I can still tell myself what's real, I can still focus my mind and push thoughts off to the side, but they keep popping back in stronger.
> I think I've also been slipping in self care and dealing with negative symptoms, getting more lethargic, just forgetting to shower and not noticing how grimy I am, maybe I'm just depressed and it's just making everything a little bit harder, I don't know.

It sounds like you are depressed about the recurrence of the thoughts you are getting.

First, you need to make self-care a habit. Make it the first thing you do when you get up, every day. Shower, brush your teeth, put on clean clothes, etc. Whether you feel "sick" or not. Once that is out of the way you will feel better knowing you are clean and ready for the day.

Second, if you're not on an antidepressant, you might want to try one. It could help with your moods, but if you know that you are having paranoid thoughts and you know that you're having delusions, and you know that they are getting worse, you might want to try antipsychotics again - but only if it gets to the point where you know it is affecting your life and behaviour negatively. The side effects are real, I know that feeling all too well, and they are certainly not worth it if you don't absolutely need the medication.

> "she poisoned you", "they're testing you, they know you know", "they're disgusted by you"
>I got sick when I was a teenager, went into a deep and prolonged period of paranoia and psychosis, diagnosed schizophrenia

Everyone has an inner voice and everyone has negative thoughts from time to time. Maybe your stress is flaring up and causing you to have more of these negative thoughts. At least you are able to put them to the side and move on with life. But if these thoughts start to dominate your thinking and control your behaviour, then you might be starting to become psychotic again. The medication might help you at this point.

> no hopes no dreams just a fuzzy grey blanket to smother yourself in.

You've still got dreams, you've still got hopes no matter what you get put on. Don't give up on whatever it is you hope for or whatever you dream about. They will still be there even if you are "doped up" on antipsychotics. I'm on them and I still have hopes and dreams. I feel doped up but I'm working a job, being creative and studying a bit too. I'm sure you could do the same with effort.

>At a work rehabilitation thing I went to there was this guy with schizophrenia I'll call Timmy. He was far gone, he hunched and moved in weird ways, couldn't make eye contact with anyone, would suddenly snap to attention and wave and say hello to someone with no warning, not stopping until they said hello back. A staff member had to sniff him every day to see if he was clean enough to be allowed into the kitchen, sometimes they'd tell him to change, sometimes they'd tell him to go home, sometimes he had shit himself. He was kind, and he made me sad. I don't want to be Timmy.

When I was forced to go into a psych ward I met a few similar people. It sounds like Timmy was in an extreme state with a movement disorder and a severe form of schizophrenia. It sounds like you are afraid to become him. Just because you have had contact with people like Timmy does not mean you will become like him. Your situation is unique and your "condition" is unique too. You are not as "far gone" as he is and there is no guarantee that you will become like him even if you are experiencing some negative thoughts now. Don't let your fear let you think that you're "like him" or "going to become him".

>I love life and want to live as much of it as I can, over the last few years I've worked off and on and traveled abroad, started writing again and thinking abou…
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Noticed recently that I'm too aggressive

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- Sat, 17 Aug 2019 19:20:47 EST dSPy0yiU No.531081
File: 1566084047046.jpg -(35990B / 35.15KB, 732x549) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Noticed recently that I'm too aggressive
I am voluntarily seeking CBT, anger management, and biofeedback. My insurance will only cover two of these and I'm leaning towards CBT and biofeedback. I started noticing that I've become incredibly irritable, to the point that it scares both myself and others. I've developed a hairpin trigger, and now struggle with explosive anger. I become inconsolable and uncontrollable when I'm in this state, and I am incredibly worried because I did not used to be like this.

It feels as if one day, out of the blue, I became incredibly agitated yet unable to pinpoint exactly why. I told my psychiatrist after several incidents of screaming my lungs out, at my girlfriend of all people, that were so out-of-place, overblown, and uncalled for. He switched my medications, but that seems to have not helped much at all.

I can be a bit of a worry wart, but I know myself and my thinking very well, and something very fundamental in my cognition has shifted. I've been asking my girlfriend how I express my anger externally and what I've heard is incredibly disturbing to me.

My impulse control is also extremely bad, and I have been acting erratically. I have long-suffering depression and anxiety which I am taking medications for.

Please, has anyone had experience with anything like, and what has helped you?
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Hannah Blugglemutch - Fri, 23 Aug 2019 21:11:46 EST T+17NiZt No.531272 Reply
I'm familiar with that heart racing, sinking feeling, etc. Most of these effects happen to be very common with panic disorders in general. It can be triggered by the situation around you or seemingly no reason at all, as if it were silently building up inside of you the whole time. You'll just be doing your thing when suddenly out of nowhere, that rush of adrenaline hits. For me it always started with a sharp spike of coldness in my brain, which immediately transformed into an "oh shit" feeling so bad that it derails your entire thought process, priming you for the full onset. Once the attack gets going full steam, you're helpless to do anything but let it run its course. You're in fight-or-flight mode, like a cornered animal. Whether you lash out with anger (fight) or desperately wish to disappear from the area (flight), comes down to individual differences I guess. So much of the brain is a mystery, but these are chemical disturbances sending you on a downward spiral for sure.

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