|>> || 1636486694674.jpg -(698835B / 682.46KB, 1920x988) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. It's weird to think about because I look back at what actions were pivotal to me getting my life together after trying for so long and I can clearly identify them, but not to take credit away from my accomplishments, it just seems like a matter of chance that things happened the way they did for the better. Now that I'm out of the fog I was in I can clearly see how close I was to dying and I know the things I have to do to not be there again and it's much easier now that I'm on the trajectory that I'm on and have some momentum going, but my last overdose for instance the thing that actually made me quit drinking and abusing prescription medications for good, I was on God knows what along with downing almost a fifth of liquor over the course of half an hour, I was in the habit of blacking out for days to weeks at a time during this period so I don't know why exactly I chose to do this, but I also cut up my arms a bit too, nothing needing stitches but quite a bit of blood and a couple years later just some very feint scarring you can only see in the light if it's pointed out, so I'm lucky in that regard but anyway after doing this I called my brother who called 911 on me. Or maybe I called 911 on myself after calling him. I don't remember. |
I remember getting onto the ambulance and then waking up in detox a few days later. They told me that I blew a .4 and that if I hadn't been put on life support there's little chance I would've lived. I was severely chemically dependent on alcohol and if a drug was in front of me I would take it. I needed a few shots to wake up in the morning and I'd clear a 6 pack at work before lunch. Ultimately I spent 7 days in detox and then to psych. Had DTs so bad I'd just sit straight up from a deep sleep and scream, I had a seizure so bad I threw myself out of the bed ripping all the equipment out of me, I don't remember any of this of course being on as much Ativan as I was, I just remember waking up with a minder next to me under 24 hour surveillance until they could take me to psych. The thing is, I have no clue why I cut up my arms also, and if I hadn't it would've been just another night of drinking and drugging for me, but it would've been my last. Why did I get to live? Not to mention the fact that even if I had survived I would've still been on the path to certain death if I hadn't stopped drinking, it was just luck I cut myself and it was just luck that this scared me enough to power through the first few months and now I just don't drink it's not a part of my world and it's something I'm sure I'll never do, because I like living now finally.
I also in a way had the perfect storm of things working in my favor after quitting, because when it happened I had been spiraling down for a couple years and had spent the past year prior in and out of psych wards, I have bipolar and obviously substance abuse issues, and I probably would've gotten it no matter what given my family history, but the severity definitely stemmed almost entirely from my resistance towards my sexuality and then a little later gender identity. When I OD'd I had already identified this as the problem or at least the principle and reached out for more help through my therapist who then referred me to one more equipped to handle my issue and I was just starting the process of doing it and I was excited but the stress made my drinking worse and landed me in the hospital that last time.
When I got out though and just so happened to get sober and started HRT a few months later in January of last year all of us sudden I had this perfectly clean slate and my life opened up like this project and I had something concrete that I could always be working on on which I could pin the more all-encompassing existential dread and sadness and uncertainty about reality that came with my mental illness and for the first time in my life I felt real hope for the future, every step along the way my past got a little further way and at this point I might as well be a completely different person, physically I guess I am, in a way my old memories could have just as well been implanted in me my way of life as a mentally ill addict in and out of psych wards and a man seems so alien to me now, that at times it feels like I basically just all of us sudden started existed in the form I do now out of nothing, and there's unfortunately not much I can bring back in the way of meaningful advice, especially for people who don't have this specific set of circumstances.
I think this thing maybe can be any sort of self-improvement, learning an instrument, losing weight, bodybuilding, whatever mine just so happened to be what it is and now I'm happier than I could have imagined, I look great and blend in well, I get to dress and act how I want, I started reading more and went back to school, I taught myself how to play the bass, I have a job that I really like, I'm in a loving relationship with a guy who I care about and who clearly cares about me, I get to experience so many things most people take for granted for the first time all at once and I'm making up for lost time really well. I've carved out a really nice life for myself in the end and I'm excited for what comes next, I just wish I could tell you how.