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420chan is Getting Overhauled - Changelog/Bug Report/Request Thread (Updated April 10)
Mummy Blues Ignore Report Reply
Cedric Dannerstire - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 05:09:24 EST ID:DoK4cjeL No.528402
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I am a part-time working mother with a toddler. I live 3 hours from any family and most all of my good friends work full-time. I love my child more than life itself, but having him has made me lose the last of myself. My partner is a good man, and treats me right, but he lacks empathy and doesn't understand. when i try to talk to my mother i get comments like "well at least you didnt have to raise 3 kids on your own" as though i am a shit cunt for having the audacity to be upset about my life. I honestly have a fairly good life, but i constantly feel lonely and like i am being a fake version of myself
Jack Wicklekut - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 05:57:54 EST ID:ffVpGLbu No.528403 Ignore Report Reply
Is your life work-> sleep -> be a mother -> be a wife?

Your partner probably fails to realise the effects because you're still going outside his own life (your job) and thus not completely stagnating, and you are in fact not completely stagnating but it should be clear that he should allow you a little time to go do something outside responsibility. Assuming you allow him the same. I'm surrounded by 30something year old full time professionals and they all have hobbies, they all also sometimes hire a babysitter. From your partner's point of view he should be constantly investing in you to ensure you don't stagnate or burn out, even from a purely selfish perspective. Does he get out and do stuff much?

The closest person I know to stagnation is probably one of the part timers. I think she and her partner dream of an old school life with a housewife and him working hard but she struggles to get out once every 2 weeks. He works more than full time, she works 3 days a week and so he's basically got dibs on whatever he wants to do in his limited free time. I don't think it's a great plan honestly but it's something she seems okay with. I assume she doesn't expect she's going to have to give the rest of her life up if she stops working entirely (when he gets a promotion) because I feel like her being bored and stagnant would be really bad for both of them. I think it's much harder to balance a relationship when it's more symmetrical. It's possible when your toddler goes to school you can work more hours and this will mean more justification for needing some me time. If you have accomodating employers maybe you can both take turns, I have it from a reliable source that both being able to be main parent sometimes is good for the relationship because you both fully appreciate all the burdens of the other and also yeah someone isn't the "breadwinner" and therefore doesn't feel they get to have all the time off while you are working part time to to provide the ability for them to do that.

If you do still see your friends a few times a month and pursue other holidays maybe it's depression. Also one of my coworkers had a case of depression after her first child and she talked to a mental health charity and got support and therapy. She's not with her partner now and I'm not sure what order this was in. He had already abandoned the mother of his first child and she had thought he'd be different and it was her fault but now he's with someone else and it's all her fault I think.
Jack Wicklekut - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 05:59:23 EST ID:ffVpGLbu No.528404 Ignore Report Reply
Disclaimer: surrounded by parents, at their age. Hopeless with women so this is just what I've gathered from various co workers, men, women, sometimes the man earns more sometimes it's the woman, in one case it changed and she used to work 0.8 and now he does. But you're going to find slim pickings here (maybe not nothing though)
Cedric Dannerstire - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 06:32:28 EST ID:DoK4cjeL No.528407 Ignore Report Reply
Thank you for the response, i know this is really not the best place to ask, but most of the "mummy boards" i find elsewhere just sympathize and don't seem to offer actual help.
Yeah i definitely feel like i am on the cusp of becoming stagnant. I definitely feel i am a bit like your part-time working co-worker. My partner works overtime every week, and he is also in a band/jam groups so he's usually out twice a week. I feel guilt when i want to go out with my friends or when i want some "me time" because i already get so much down time by being at home all day. but its not the type of free time i crave. I want to party with mates but i constantly feel like all i am doing is getting older and need to grow up and move away from that lifestyle. but thats not me. All the while my man has been working hard all week and deserves to go out and have fun.
I have struggled with depression on and off since my teen years and have been medicated previously. I definitely feel like i am slowly falling back into it because i am no longer doing the activities that make me happy even though i have free time.
Cedric Dannerstire - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 06:34:10 EST ID:DoK4cjeL No.528408 Ignore Report Reply
Is your life work-> sleep -> be a mother -> be a wife?
Pretty much (though defacto not married).
Jack Wicklekut - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 09:21:52 EST ID:ffVpGLbu No.528409 Ignore Report Reply
If it's going to damage your mental health eventually you're going to fail to do the things you're doing. It may not feel "fair" but what you're doing isn't sustainable and will deteriorate. That's not a parent or even relationship specific thing. That's just don't shove your head into the sand.

Maybe you need to shift the balance of work or maybe you just need to accept the me time. If your country provides free childcare when the nipper is older than you know this isn't a long term problem and need to instead work out if you can keep your head above water in the mean time or need to change anything. If you are getting more/free childcare you can work a bit more and he can work less and you can claim more me time and he can bond with your child instead of working and everyone wins. This may be what you need to do anyway. School seems a bit too far away but if you just need to hang in a few months if you start making the plans now it will keep your mind off it. Will it be enough? I don't know. Be honest with yourself.

Also maybe you need to make a few new friends. There are problem women in similar situations who need company. Partying and stuff is something that gets old eventually so maybe you had your kid a bit too young but it will still get old. You will need new hobbies at some point but even middle aged parents with kids at university get fucked up from time to time. There are older parents at my office too and they definitely *do not* find that when they go on holiday that they eat more because they're hungover most days. Nooooo. Not at all.
Nigel Binnerchit - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 16:30:59 EST ID:lXsK4abP No.528412 Ignore Report Reply
no hate but... what did you expect? just wait til he's old enough for school
you also just list party as the only free time activity you want, get more hobbies
Thomas Soffingnitch - Sat, 16 Mar 2019 16:50:54 EST ID:aKLE6eU1 No.528413 Ignore Report Reply
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I mean I don't think anybody really knows what to expect. Like I'm sure you have an idea of what you think it's probably gonna be like but we all know shit rarely ever goes the way we think it will.
Jack Gorryson - Sun, 17 Mar 2019 12:40:13 EST ID:ffVpGLbu No.528417 Ignore Report Reply
I think the longer you wait the better your idea, you will know there's always another surprise but lack of sleep, time, your sense of normality being gone for 2-7 years, money etc are common. I'm surrounded by parents as I said and I agree, something will blindside you, but you've been surprised by the wrong things. I suspect you being one of the first to have kids doesn't help and a lot of people will feel reluctant to say "sometimes this is hell" you know like social media platforming. You must be one of the first among your friends given what you've said and that you're not bored of partying yet.

I am surprised when someone has a kid and is surprised that they don't sleep and can't do as much stuff tbh.

Aside from the life balance stuff I mentioned, you do want new hobbies and new friends. Don't chuck the old ones, but grow. I won't lie this isn't a new opportunity, it's an old one you'd ignored because you could party a lot before. This is a chance to grow that you'd neglected before, but there will not only be other mothers like you dropping their kids off at nursery/school/whatever but ones unlike you who you will get on with. You should network with them so that you can arrange stuff that suits your lifestyles and also so you can socialise your kids and take it in turns to take a shit without your kids sticking their fingers in plug sockets (about 25% joking).

Thinking on the "he lacks empathy" I think that's hard for someone who hasn't been there. I mean I'm trying and managing to not just be doing "sympathy" I have worked with so many new fathers and mothers and they make no secret of how they feel and what they're going through I'm not sure I'd be willing to deal with it honestly, I think I'd be miserable and I wouldn't want to leave the mother to pick up all the slack, it might change in time but I'm already 33 so definitely only 1 kid if I do, but it's not as good as someone who's been there. He has to have at least 1 evening a week where he's in charge and you're out and if you work more and he's not working as hard, maybe 2.
Barnaby Pengercocke - Sun, 17 Mar 2019 13:21:48 EST ID:MnhSzLT7 No.528418 Ignore Report Reply
There is always murder-suicide
Edwin Fuckingman - Sun, 17 Mar 2019 21:50:31 EST ID:Bf3O3806 No.528426 Ignore Report Reply
I heard some say this on /420/ to if tbis is true. Holy shit lmao.
Beatrice Gubbersadging - Sat, 23 Mar 2019 23:36:26 EST ID:wJWwXGAC No.528476 Ignore Report Reply
>my partner is a good man
He'd be a better man if he was your husband.
>feeling fake
Well, why? Most people are pretty damn fake, never showing who they actually are to even themselves. This would probably be a good place to start if you want to get through your shit. Why do you feel fake?
Priscilla Pommlebury - Thu, 28 Mar 2019 15:50:21 EST ID:Xk+KIdim No.528547 Report Reply

Is it an option to have people come visit you at home so you don't have to sort out a sitter but can still be more social? It's maybe not ideal but you would have all the resources you need for your son and still be able to relax and entertain.

I'm sorry to hear about your mother, she's gaslighting :/ mine's always done the same kind of thing when I tried telling her I was depressed or anything else. I'm not sure if she has negative intent with this, but it's inveitably going to make you feel worse. Do you have friends you could chat with? Maybe another support network of parents?

As for your partner, even if he lacks some empathy, it's worth trying to make him understand that you need some nights out every so often too. You work part-time, but childcare is also a lot of work and (forgive me for assuming) you likely take care of a lot of domestic tasks as well. This stuff doesn't bring money into the home, but if you weren't doing it it would certainly cost a lot of money. Even if you could get him to agree to 1 or 2 weekend nights a month or something where you could get together with friends, it would give you something to look forward to and help a lot with balance.
Spicey Octopus - Fri, 29 Mar 2019 02:54:30 EST ID:t8/4l9r0 No.528557 Ignore Report Reply
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>friends work fulltime
>feeling lonely
>faking life

jeez, young parents these days.
Having kids is a full-time job. Kids are expensive, kids are nerve-wrecking.
What did you expect? Your friends come visiting you and help with your kid?
Wouldn't surprise me if they just want their quiet when enjoying their free-time.

I don't say this to be mean, but why would you even consider having a kid, when you obviously didn't enjoy and pursue your dreams first?
Its pretty clear that you had a wrong picture about parenthood in your head.

Would explain why you feel like beeing a fake version of yourself.
You need to keep up the lie that wasting your youth on a kid will reward you in some way,
while in reality the rewards may or may not come until the kid chooses your retirement-home.
Nathaniel Shakeville - Fri, 29 Mar 2019 04:27:39 EST ID:RXMFipUL No.528559 Ignore Report Reply
Kids are time consuming and draining but you're kidding yourself if you think they aren't rewarding.

Anyway why don't you go hang out with them at their home with said kids?

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