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420chan is Getting Overhauled - Changelog/Bug Report/Request Thread (Updated July 26)

BWQQ : bump when QQ

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- Fri, 17 May 2019 02:16:59 EST cSntlhQ8 No.529418
File: 1558073819757.jpg -(90830B / 88.70KB, 750x739) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. BWQQ : bump when QQ
I searched 5 pages back. Does this board get a bump thread? just vent about feelings and emotions here.

My heroin addict neighbor has been being a bitch to me lately. I can't cuss her out while talking to her, but she has been yelling at me and freaking out. So I'm gonna talk smack about her here. Sorry if this is shit posting.

holy fuck speak of the devil. shes texting me now. i did not even read what she wrote. im gonna delete it. fuck this psycho bitch. she is causing me so much stress. I hope I'm making a thread correctly.
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Wesley Babbleman - Fri, 17 May 2019 08:05:29 EST USUZpST+ No.529419 Reply
How is it you know about bump-when-threads but aren't sure how to make a thread?
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Augustus Ginnerspear - Fri, 17 May 2019 11:48:26 EST 2dpbGRKS No.529423 Reply
I think I have some attachment issues, I can't deal well with close people leaving me :(
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Matilda Cizzlewill - Tue, 21 May 2019 14:12:28 EST Lny7/LNo No.529482 Reply
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I think I became incapable of escapism after suffering a decade or two from it, and I'm not sure how to feel about it.

On the one hand, awesome. Focusing on real life really fixed shit for me the last few years.

On the other hand, I can't enjoy a single goddamned piece of fiction any more. I ran out of hobbies the way a fat guy runs out of Cheetos. I don't exactly live in a country where one would go "Aww yeah let's go outside and do stuff" either, otherwise I would've adopted that lifestyle already.
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Lydia Billingstone - Tue, 21 May 2019 17:49:11 EST uVGbPBbr No.529487 Reply
>>529482
Specifically fiction as hobbies? Try learning an instrument, or reading informational books. Both are hobbies that can better yourself meanwhile still focusing on improving your life by doing them. Or try in home or gym exercising?
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Alice Warringwill - Wed, 22 May 2019 12:36:50 EST Lny7/LNo No.529488 Reply
>>529487
In general those are some great suggestions, I don't have the fingers or throat for music (I was the only one with a shit grade in high school music class) but I guess there's a few books in my closet I still need to read through. Afraid the gym/exercise is a no-no though, I tried that before and it wasn't rewarding for me at all. (I already get a shitload of exercise during my job any way).

I wish I still had the capacity to enjoy make-belief and stories like I did as a kid, but these days the writing and world-building is all so...lame.
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Fanny Dandlewot - Thu, 23 May 2019 23:38:08 EST 4rsfPuc5 No.529506 Reply
>>529418
Never experienced love, or gf. Met a super cool introverted girl off dating site and we've been emailing for 8 months total. She's perfect, super nerdy and cute, sexy, very smart and well read, funny. She says she's strange and private, though merry all the same. Things were going great, she was excited to get to know more about me, and she was opening up herself. Long story short her pure OCD has to do with giving off different impressions - she fears she's cheating on people, even as friends. She also doesn't feel guilt the right way, so when she talks to me, she's afraid she's giving off multiple impressions, and when that guilt sinks into her bones, it makes her hide away, to vague out on me. This happened out of nowhere when things were going really good with our communication, things were peaking. Now she's basically gone cold, despite my increasing messages (mistake). I opened up my heart and told her everything, even about things like drug abuse, and she showed me compassion back and then opened up herself. It was working out like I couldn't believe. I actually felt something for someone for once, and because of something she won't explain in detail, she's gone. I kinda spazzed and she tends to disappear/'disconnect' without explanation in certain situations sometimes, so you could say it was never meant to be but in all seriousness this was a fairytale-like situation, and then the cord gets pulled. It's fucked me up to get so close to someone then immediately sever it, and you don't 100% understand why.
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Hugh Doddleludging - Sat, 25 May 2019 05:33:47 EST dxVpQFbW No.529529 Reply
nb because I've been better but I've been worse.

>>529506
You never met her did you?

Rule one of on line relationships: When you start to feel arrange a meeting. If they won't or can't meet then end it. If you develop feelings and they won't even see you then they basically don't give a fuck.

It was never a fairytale, she just told you what you wanted to hear, got the dopamine buzz from attention and then got bored. People who act crazy probably are that crazy, just different and they make poor partners. Your account makes her sound sketchy as fuck. When you row or argue or upset her does it feel like as you try to understand her and make it right, she's reaching out trying to stretch to find that you get her in what you're saying? Or do things just seem to spiral?

Half the random dropping was probably actually just "I can't be bothered right now" and if she was real she wasn't any more suitable. It is better to be alone than in a one sided rollercoaster. The only genuine problem with being inexperienced in relationships is that you haven't experienced a good one so you can't see how far short of "acceptable" the shams you get abused and catfished through are. Then you end up in shit relationships with a load of guilt over inadequacies you don't have.
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Augustus Besslesud - Sat, 25 May 2019 18:20:36 EST uVGbPBbr No.529545 Reply
>>529529
this. as someone with pure ocd those symptoms; guilt, fears, etc happen. but the extent to which she allows them to persist in the relationship(friendship?) that you imply her to care about aren't healthy. Not everyone is in a mental state for dating. But if they really cared they would go through much more effort to show it.

Take a step back anon. Mental abuse and toying with people isn't always intentional. Regardless of her mental state and whether it is intentional or not, its not an excuse to treat you poorly. you're better than that, we all are. don't let it be one sided, and dont let her control you. not every relationship is meant to be. if you haven't met her in 8 months of messaging, thats reason enough to call it off.
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Eliza Pollertutch - Sun, 26 May 2019 03:09:14 EST D+KEM0Il No.529557 Reply
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>>529418
I've been engaged for a year to someone I've been dating for about 5 years. I've told her about my past which isn't great but she has been kind of on board. I had a ghetto ass childhood and adolescence to keep it brief. I moved and am living that yuppie life trying to catch up to others in my age group that had a big head start, I'm currently in my 6th year at a 2 year college (part time, but still longer than it should be). I still talk to my old friends now and then and love my neighborhood still even though I'm gone. I saw in the paper one of my old friends got busted for something serious and is going to do serious time. I realized out of everyone I grew up with out of my friend group I'm the only one not dead or in prison. I got super depressed and laid my greatest pains and fears out for her which I kept close and quiet for most the time we've been together. Her response was to say she didn't know if we should be together. We still are but I feel like everything is impermanent. I wasn't comforted at all and was made to feel like I did something to her because I'm a sad, angry, ghetto piece of shit. We're still together but I don't know how to get rid of this impending feeling of eventually being deserted because of who I am on the inside and the experiences that made me don't match up with the face I'm expected to put on for the world and the image I've tried so hard to put out there to get ahead. There's no going back home and I don't feel like I have a home where I'm at and where I'm going. Most the time I wish I was one of the ones that didn't make it but am at least thankful I'm not in prison for life, so there's that. I'm just a boring mutt that tries desperately to pass for a milquetoast white person now and is resented by the few people I know back home for it. I don't belong anywhere, not even in the one place I've felt safe for years anymore, my relationship. I'm pushing 30 and quit using this site a few years back but always come here when I have shit to say and no one to say it to, and right now I feel more isolated than I ever have. The only reason I don't kill myself is because I know that's what these motherfucking cave devils want. Anyway, thanks for the vent session :)
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Rebecca Cockleforth - Thu, 30 May 2019 12:46:03 EST 4rsfPuc5 No.529653 Reply
>>529545
it's a friendship at this point. i can't get her to respond and I've spaghettied a shit ton of messages basically trying to explain myself. I've never opened up and felt feelings like this before for a girl. Things were going fantastic until her pure OCD kicked in. She says she 'disconnects to avoid paranoid thoughts' but wont explain. She's extremelly attractive and I thought this was my ticket. If I tell her it's hurting me, she just hides more I think. I don't know how to move on and I'm a mess. I think generally I realize my life is a mess and I'm depressed.
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Molly Sankinpid - Thu, 30 May 2019 20:44:34 EST hiKxQg3e No.529656 Reply
I hate how every armchair shrink doesn't understand PTSD
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Clara Wattingcheck - Fri, 31 May 2019 06:30:35 EST h0psPJz3 No.529658 Reply
>>529656
I hate how you avoid taking responsibility for your shitty behavior. You're not the only one with PTSD but your definitely the most egocentric.
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Basil Sablingstodge - Fri, 31 May 2019 22:47:54 EST PMiKxfAC No.529673 Reply
My brother is such an insecure and jealous person. Total douchebag faggot. Gets pissed at me because I spent MY money on food and helped out with the Bill's this month. But, that's not good enough for him. Hes a fat slob sack of dog shit who wont pull his own weight and is a total drug addict. He treats my mom like dogshit and I'm so close to cracking his fucking jaw wide open and beat the fuck out of him.

Qq
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Martha Hendernot - Sun, 07 Jul 2019 21:20:53 EST nrs1TIWF No.530280 Reply
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I think I have too much vitamin A in my body. I eat lots of mango
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Ebenezer Pivingworth - Mon, 08 Jul 2019 05:09:58 EST l1NmIjLu No.530285 Reply
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>>530280
Mango will not overdose you on vit A. Liver could though.
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Rebecca Tootworth - Fri, 12 Jul 2019 02:02:29 EST vVasy9PY No.530377 Reply
All of my friends suck. They just leave me on read, and never ask me to do anything. And yes, I have asked them to do stuff. They're always too busy they say, but I see them prioritizing hanging out with other people over me. I wonder why i even bother talking to them at all, it just makes me feel bad in the end. I just cant bare the thought of being completely alone, but I practically already am.

I just want to make new friends but am an introvert. Every friend I have came through another friend, the thought of going to a concert or something alone and trying to talk to people sounds so bad, like people will just think I'm some weirdo. I just don't have the outgoing personality to be able to do that. I mean how many complete strangers do you talk to when you go out? Ideally, you try to avoid them. Thats just what everyone does, right? I don't know, the loneliness is killing me

end rant
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Cedric Fickleman - Sat, 13 Jul 2019 00:48:58 EST sdjFMZ8U No.530396 Reply
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I'm glad this thread exists so I don't have to start a new one for my bullshit; and sorry to all off /qq/ but I kinda need to vent.

I stopped watching anime about 10 years ago because seeing constant depictions of women going into sexual/romantic situations with the male protagonists really depressed me, as it's something that I've never experienced, but lately that same feeling of missing out on a bunch of shit has been kicking me in the balls more and more frequently in real life situations, and it fucking sucks, for lack of a better term...

A 31yo adult male shouldn't have to work his hardest to not burst into tears while riding a bus back home after a hard day of office crap, specially if the reason why he's about to cry is due to a pretty girl incidentally entering his social circle a few weeks ago and innocently joking about the fact that she knows he's attracted to her, despite her being already with another member of the aforementioned social circle.

Am I that good of an actor that nobody knows that shit hurts me in ways I can't even explain? I understand this sounds like she's a mean spirited bitch doing it to fuck with my head or for the attention but as I've experienced that before with different females in different scenarios, I'd venture to say that's not the case this time.

Among the clusterfuck of feelings I've had, I actually get angry at myself for liking her so much because seeing her pretty face smile at me reminds me of all that shit I've never lived despite the fact that I smile back, honestly too, and in turn makes me suuuuper sad like when I was going through high school, so I come home feeling like absolute shit and I can't bother anyone with my angst because they have much more serious shit to deal with and I end up browsing whore sites for hours at a time trying to find a prostitute that's willing to have a conversation with me for a non-outrageous amount of money, until I give up after they all tell me to go fuck myself and end up jacking off to increasingly more fucked up porn while still having thoughts of how desperately lonely I am.

I can't wait for AI and VR to advance enough for losers like me to just escape reality with an electronic woman.
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Reuben Driffingnuck - Sun, 21 Jul 2019 14:16:54 EST haIe9Qp2 No.530557 Reply
I feel like I'm on a perpetual microdose in that nothing seems to be of consequence to me and I'm really bad at making decisions or having opinions because everything is in a grey area.
My life also kind of just sucks because I've got bad cf and girls don't find me attractive (and this matters for some reason although I'm not sure I can or want to have sex or talk to them)
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Lydia Hommleman - Mon, 22 Jul 2019 02:39:06 EST nrs1TIWF No.530565 Reply
>>530377
this reminds me of me, except I love going to concerts alone. It seems like no one wants to be friends with me. I'm the first to bring up an opportunity to hang out, but they ultimately don't show up. Sometimes they get excited to go to a concert or whatever and then aren't there with no explanation. Now I got gifts for the friend because I got merch from the concert they couldn't attend, and art pieces we were working on together, and a jacket that I won't wear but maybe they will. They only know about art pieces, but I would think they would still want to meet up to get that because that was one of the main interests we shared to become 'friends'. They do not though, and say they are busy with work all the time.

I remember in high school, I was the person who mostly observed the social group because i'm introvert. Sometimes it would become a big deal to them when I spoke because I was usually quiet. I was always inviting myself to join their events. Feeling unwanted sucks. Now no one is asking to hang out with me. idk i don't mind being alone. i wish i could take some moments when i'm alone and doing the usual things that i do when alone, and share it with another person acting alone. like two independent people who can socialize but do not have to socialize. When it's me with one other person, i feel too much pressure to act as a good friend and keep up with their socialization.
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Angus Doffingway - Mon, 22 Jul 2019 04:46:14 EST 9DmUMIXr No.530566 Reply
Thank god this thread exists.

I’m 28 and the past couple years haven’t been good to me. I’m starting to go a bit bald and I gained like 40 pounds, pretty sure I’ve hit my max weight and it’s workable but still annoying. I’m definitely an entirely different person from the person I was 8 years ago and it’s honestly pretty scary. It doesn’t help that so much in the world has changed for the worse, micro and macro, even in terms of my hobbies. So many of my friends have moved away and my roommate who is also my best friend is moving in a few months with his girlfriend, and he’s been staying with me rent-free for almost 2 years so being alone in my apartment again is going to be really fucking weird. To make matters worse all my other friends either are dating people and have no time for me or are able to hang out every now and then but they’re also moving eventually so I’m freaking out thinking about how alone I’ll feel in just under a year. I have no health insurance and it’s too damn hot where I live to go get government health care during the day so I’m also suffering in a lot of physical ways because of where I live. Everyone who wants to fuck/date me lives out of state. My Dad is on drugs and my Mom is just pretty absent, my sister is honestly the most tolerable of everyone but she’s going thru a ton of shit on her own. I think about suicide way more than normal and way more than I should. At this point I’m just killing time and it really sucks. I could have it way worse but I know it’s bad and legitimately bothering me if I find myself on this particular board posting this kind of message. But thanks to OP for making a designated spot for this kind of thing.
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Shit Pannerstock - Mon, 22 Jul 2019 06:01:22 EST uTcOFZZc No.530568 Reply
>>530566
You can always tell when someone's been bitten by the doomer pessimist cable television bug because they talk about how depressed they are that the world has gotten worse. First off, it hasn't, and what if it has? What have you done to try to stop it? And meanwhile, what of "the world's" problems have you individually experienced? Don't worry about the world. Worry about yourself, your goals, and your path.
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Isabella Chondledale - Sun, 28 Jul 2019 08:29:47 EST Ls8Y4G4H No.530644 Reply
Time for a rant. I need to get something off my chest. I had a nice time and it means now I'm much more irritating by the failings of other things.

Fuck on line "dating". And fuck the situation I'm in with regards to meeting new people I share interests in. Everything I like is always a massive sausagefest (they are all improving over time but that's a glacial process) so usually when I go pursue my interest I meet plenty of cool guys (massive nerds) but the handful of women there are with their boyfriends so I have recently been trying to find these elusive single women (I mean the women are the majority worldwide) on line as I've been single enough to "Pursue my career" and I'm halfway to promotion 3 since I got dumped. This might seem like a story about an unrequited crush, but it's not. It's just how eye opening yesterday was about things.

Yesterday I went to an all day gig and it was no different. I'd gone by myself because it was semi local and a new venture and I wanted to see the bands and support the idea. I had a friend or two who was there turn up but I wasn't counting on it. While I was there I looked around for people as lost as me and chatted to a guy for a bit and he was pretty cool. I also noticed (which is to say she was pretty and I liked her style) a lady about my own age and after a bit realised she actually wasn't with a boyfriend.

Halfway through the gig there's an hour break to change gear over as everyone is using the same amps for the last 5 bands. I went out to get lunch/dinner and as I started to stroll back there she was by herself, she acknowledged me so I went over and said hi and asked her if she'd come alone like me and why she was here. She was from out of town and had made plans but her friends had let her down so she thought "oh cool gig on, I might as well". We started talked in in the hour plus the gaps between bands, maybe 90 minutes total we'd talked about everything from broken showed to how brains work. I don't know if she just saw me as a transient friend or there was any attraction so I gave her my number because in earnest if she's around (and it might happen again) I'd be happy to hang out and chat and be a gig buddy, we went our separate ways and I'm not sure if we both failed to play our cards right (I can tell if someone's flirting with me but not everyone does that) but a new friend is a LOT more than nothing. You know what's fucked up though?

Talking to people on dating sites. I have friends, women and men who I can have conversations of high calibre (by my metrics anyway). But on dating sites it's the holy fucking grail. All these people who in person would do great. I don't want to talk forever, I just want to check they're someone who seems interesting and then meet.

So I went home, matched some people sent a couple of messages and looked at my inbox. A few unanswered messages, a couple of conversations which I got one good reply from then they just stopped responding. A couple where they answered my questions but then didn't add anything else at all. All old shit. This morning I got a response. You write a profile full of interests (which is handy for prompts) and so do they. You write a message about the content of their profile. You sometimes they message you out the blue and sometimes it's a reply but half the time what you get is.

>how was your weekend?

I just walked up to a stranger knowing she liked a few bands I like (which isn't even how I opened the conversation) and we talked about everything. The books she planned to write and abandoned, flat sharing, public sector life, ironing, bands, our home cities. I picked up on something we had in common and we both ran with it.

Meanwhile on dating sites I actually had a conversation which beat using my head to drive a nail in. Once. She was really great in person too but not at all attractive to me which was a shame. But was she just the exception that proves the rule? Is this secret code for I'm supposed to do something? Is there a way to lead into something interesting? I sometimes wonder if I'm enthusiastic (with an amazing coping mechanism, but it's not perfect) and I'm just missing something obvious to everyone else, or if actually these people are single but don't change it up because their low effort technique does land them shitty, we've all heard horror stories dates? What's the deal? Are dating sites just that bad? How the fuck do people post saying "just get dates on Tindr" like that's a thing? Or at least how do they find people who in that temperate zone between insane and boring?
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Nathaniel Tillingville - Sun, 28 Jul 2019 10:25:15 EST P0l/Ak0C No.530645 Reply
>>530644
Anyone who pays for a matchmaker should pay for a therapist first.
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Isabella Chondledale - Sun, 28 Jul 2019 10:53:28 EST Ls8Y4G4H No.530646 Reply
>>530645
Absolutely. I wouldn't pay for a product which I'm not sure has any value for me. I have paid for therapy in the past. I think "Matchmaker" is a bit generous. Most sites just chuck users at each other and let them do the sorting.
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Betsy Buzzson - Tue, 30 Jul 2019 13:09:53 EST 2dpbGRKS No.530675 Reply
>>530644
yeah i think we can all agree dating apps are trash, most women don't even use it as a tool for finding a partner/fuck buddy, they just like the validation
it's superficial and transactional as fuck
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Clara Drocklebanks - Tue, 30 Jul 2019 13:33:48 EST dJD1QpV2 No.530676 Reply
i didn't date anyone for years because i thought men were obessed with sex
i thought, what's the point in dating someone, he'll want sex and then we'll have to break up
i didn't realize there were guys who would wait until I was ready
and maybe there aren't many, maybe it was good i waited
still i think about those guys who seemed really sweet and seemed to like me, and maybe we could have dated happily, maybe they wouldn't have pressured me


>>530675
i don't know any women who use tinder for hookups, I'm sure they exist though. but most women I know are on tinder because they are looking for someone to get married to, tehy aren't looking for validation they are looking for love. I'm sure some people do it for validation, but i seriously doubt it. They go on dates and then feel crestfallen that the guy expected sex, and think men are scum.. but like.. it's so insane, the app is so insane, people should say what they want and be clear about it. But if a woman says she is looking for a serious relationship she looks crazy and if she says she's looking for sex she can assume that assholes will use her and never want to date her, so she has to pretend she's not. You have seen it here, guys saying, don't date a girl who's had lots of sex, but have as much sex as you can... it's crazy. That app is crazy. On the old school apps i feel like people were more honest, and you could use them successfully without uploading a picture, it was a meeting of minds, a search for compatibility
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Charlotte Bardham - Tue, 30 Jul 2019 13:55:32 EST BsjxQkWc No.530679 Reply
>>530676
Old school worked. It was different. But no pictures are sketchy. Catfish have always been a thing.

Men are obsessed with sex, but that doesn't mean that's all we want. Most of the guys I know who aren't already with someone long term want that. Actually there's only 3 long term singletons in my whole friend group now. I want to find someone I'm comfortable with and who's also a friend and who is a decent person I enjoy spending time with and yes I want to fuck at some point.

I think I project something that people judge negatively and it takes a long time to realise that's not quite who I am, my most significant ex is a lady I first asked out and she said no, but then changed her mind, she told me "You're not a nice guy, but you are a nice man" and it's hard to know she just wanted to clarify (because this was peak "nice guy" meme time) or did she actually think that at some point? But getting pasting that first impression requires getting to know me and strangers don't do that and they don't tell you what you're doing wrong and that's not something they owe you. Or do we just put too much stock in snap judgements made on stupid memes? Or both probably. Maybe it's because people are always telling me what I do wrong but never what I do right. "Be more confident" look I know I have a lot to offer, I just don't believe other people will see that. I think what burns me most is the horror stories like how do you select someone that awful, how do those people even breathe? Yet these are dating horror stories and the same people won't date me.

Have been playing with the idea of therapy. I have recognised a couple of issues and I know where they stem from but I don't know how to get over them alone. I think an app purge is to follow shortly.
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Augustus Pittway - Tue, 30 Jul 2019 20:30:30 EST 2dpbGRKS No.530691 Reply
>>530676
lol this has not been my experience at all. most of the girls say the don't want sex but you can easily fuck them by the third date if not immediately

>But if a woman says she is looking for a serious relationship she looks crazy
false

>if she says she's looking for sex she can assume that assholes will use her and never want to date her, so she has to pretend she's not
why would she want to date if she specifically said shes looking for sex?
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Emma Clussledodge - Fri, 09 Aug 2019 02:47:04 EST vVasy9PY No.530899 Reply
told a girl I'm friends with that I caught feelings and told her if she wanted to see a movie or something some time to let me know, but also that i'm cool with being friends.

i just didn't feeling like having those strong of feelings for someone and not doing anything with them, i held it in for a few months, you miss every shot you dont take y know. some of them are worth shooting for.

Bad move? maybe. she said she's just going through some heartbreak rebound shit, which she is, whether or not thats just her way of being nice and saying no, time will tell, i told her at a bad time, but is any time not a bad time anymore? lifes too short not to go for this shit. i'm an adult, shes an adult, fuck it
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Phoebe Trotbury - Fri, 09 Aug 2019 03:00:26 EST 1VcUBcZx No.530900 Reply
>>530899
I recommend waiting untill they reciprocate their feelings back after you take them out to a movie/date because otherwise it makes you look desperate and sometimes even creepy if you straight up tell someone that you "like them", It's better to wait and see how they feel about you and how it goes so you don't get a bad reputation that could effect your future chances.
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Fuck Murdspear - Fri, 09 Aug 2019 18:09:45 EST XiHtpV2+ No.530922 Reply
>>530920
Just imagine if someone was like "HEY I CAUGHT FEEEEELINGS FOR YOU..... let me know if you wanna see a movie...."

lol, it's okay. you'll always have next time
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Wesley Grandwill - Mon, 12 Aug 2019 06:25:43 EST nrs1TIWF No.530979 Reply
i was desperate and did something that caused negative consequences. feels shitty, like my chest is being torn from my body. replaying the scenario has me feel nauseous. i want to be better.
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Matilda Fablingshaw - Mon, 12 Aug 2019 22:24:22 EST waF8qrlt No.530993 Reply
Pretty tired of people who exaggerate their academic records and finances telling me I exaggerate my pain. Motherfucking bungholes. I'll strand your ass in the middle of nowhere, see if you live.
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Clara Dartworth - Tue, 13 Aug 2019 07:04:31 EST Je9nm5wp No.530997 Reply
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for the love of FUCK i sent myself into a manic episode doing an ECA stack for a couple months now, and doing other stimulants, i'm really fucking retarded, I was really doing so much better so I just kind of forgot that i can't do shit like that, up for 3 days now, haven't had any at all in that time, i keep getting more and more energetic, drank a half a liter of whiskey today, got even more energy, things are starting to get really fucking weird again, i always have kind of a tenuous grasp on reality but when i get really manic or depressed, I ALWAYS end up with psychosis.

In depression it usually goes from dissociation to depersonalization/derealization to "holy fuck nothing is real but everything is plausible nothing makes sense and i can never know what's really true i can never know anything about anything" In mania it starts with all of those right off the bat, which I 100% feel but I've also been up for 3 days but I mean that doesn't make sense either. Then we get into hallucinations, which I'm also starting to get. Shadow entities, flashes of light, film grain/visual snow, muffled voices, creaks, rattles.

I'm so fucking anxious and paranoid. A few minutes ago I fucking screeched at the top of my lounges at a coat hanging on a hook on my door, a coat that's been there for months now, because I was sure it was a person, I know I saw hands and a face. I can't fucking think right now at all my, like I'm struggling to control the thoughts in my brain, I get these gibberish thoughts, and thought loops, and these vivid pictures in my minds eye that come out of no where and make even less sense, my actual stream of consciousness can barely get a word in edgewise.

FUCK ME the sun is now rising on the 4th day. God damn it I don't want to go back to the psych ward again, alcohol apparently does nothing though. Not at home, no dealers.

Guess I just gotta ride the ride.
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Charles Gumblefork - Tue, 13 Aug 2019 13:03:54 EST 2q+C9+NE No.531000 Reply
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>>529418
goddammit I wish I could stop myself from shitposting but like, damn, it's the only way to satsify my gratification to interact with other people. I know what I need to do but it's like I keep trying to excuse myself, thinking what if something bad happens and I need to contact some people on a message board full of people who can't even do shit like me?

Fuck I think I'm gonna have to install some website blockers, or just figure out a way to block websites or whatever because this shit ain't good for me.
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David Sanderlit - Tue, 13 Aug 2019 14:07:44 EST kFYnmYAh No.531002 Reply
>>531000
Maybe be positive so people want you to stay? Find a community that you fit into and participate in a positive way.
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Sidney Wendleforth - Tue, 13 Aug 2019 18:19:23 EST oaTsjcKn No.531003 Reply
>>529418
If you don't want to spiral down a well of self loathing, I don't care how curious you are, never watch yourself cum. Like... never jack off in front of a full length mirror with the sole intent being to watch yourself orgasm.

This is especially true when you're in a sexual relationship with a very cute girl who has cute orgasms because Jesus christ she sees you turn into grunting lobster troll every time you fuck, she'll get tired of THAT pretty fast now this is what you will dwell on every time you have sex good luck getting hard now, and here's another reason for her to leave you.

So yeah, don't do it.
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Shit Pabbleman - Wed, 14 Aug 2019 00:30:43 EST hiKxQg3e No.531005 Reply
I've endured all kinds of verbal abuse lately from my spouse. It started when her family tried to triangulate me legally and relationship wise. She constantly needs reassurance that I'm not going to leave, but also simultaneously says hurtful things most days, controls most aspects of my life. I think I can win her back over and have been making some progress.

It kind of reminds me of when she got radicalized against sex and pornography but that flipped around, too. Catholic upbringing fucking sucks.

The hard part for me is that whenever I try to talk about it, unless I take the attitude that "I am the criminal asshole who is responsible for every bad decision,"
she literally tells me to leave the house, then gets mad when I come back and accuses me of infidelity. I've actually done it a few times but I always tell her what happens and to be blunt, a few times it was because I felt I was already assumed to be doing that anyway. I've turned down a lot of opportunities, too, whether out of respect, love or a guilty conscience, I don't know.

It's frustrating because nobody in her family starts a conversation with "we could both be wrong or one of us could be wrong," and they emotionally/verbally/psychologically abuse the fuck out of me. They once falsely accused me of domestic violence (she admitted that was false in court, too) but she is deathly afraid of defying them. I think I can win her over eventually but it tires me out.
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Nathaniel Fudgewater - Wed, 14 Aug 2019 18:20:59 EST 8nEEdvzV No.531024 Reply
>>531023
No thanks I have my reasons.
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Edwin Granddock - Thu, 15 Aug 2019 07:49:04 EST doVKhUzH No.531034 Reply
>>531005
Don't leave. Tell her if she wants to be separate she can leave. She won't. She just wants to keep you on a string. Get into couples counseling. She can't keep throwing you out.
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Edwin Granddock - Thu, 15 Aug 2019 07:50:44 EST doVKhUzH No.531035 Reply
>>531005
And if you can't stay faithful in a relationship don't get into one. You also took a vow. Don't be a pussy bitch boy who doesn't keep promises. Divorce is legal, adultery makes you lower than garbage in my eyes. I don't keep home wrecking friends around.
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Edwin Ginderchug - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 11:44:51 EST zSA4zQWW No.531052 Reply
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I'm just so tired of being alive, man. The dissociative state never goes away, it just ebbs and flows and I'm fucking sick of it. It's been like eleven years of this shit. I don't remember what it's like to feel as though you exist. Between that, the mood swings, the perpetual existential crisis, the anxiety; I have no sense of self. There is no I because I changes so rapidly and violently. I've become a ghost while I'm still alive. I have no anchor.

I don't want it anymore. Reality just becomes more and more of a theoretical concept because everything I see and do and feel is built on a fucking etch a sketch foundation. I have no baseline for anything, how I interpret the world changes so often that now the world is just a slurry of vague memories and half-recollections of past interpretations.

If I wasn't such a coward I'd go choke on a fistful of pills and kick the chair but instead I'll just watch my life slowly fray at the seams and come apart a little bit more every day until eventually, blessedly, God quits being a cunt long enough to deliver the punchline to this sad, pathetic joke.
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Fucking Bleblingchere - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 13:02:19 EST FfKOgUEy No.531054 Reply
>>531051
Cheaters are trash. But cheating means breaking the rules. If your problem is with monogamy then you just need to make sure you enter a relationship with someone open to the same things. If you just can't follow the rules that you know your partner perceives and won't dispute or change them then you are cheating. And then trash.

I'm assuming that Eugene is of that opinion but didn't feel like further elaborating on it.
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Simon Tillingfield - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 13:13:04 EST uTcOFZZc No.531056 Reply
>>531052
What are your goals, man? What are you working toward?
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Eugene Pickwill - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 18:14:46 EST hiKxQg3e No.531058 Reply
>>531054
The way it was put to me was, she'd rather be with a scoundrel she admires and is willing to die for her that makes mistakes every now and then, then a person who is just loyal but sycophantic or a traditional "bossy spouse" like a 1950s husband.
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Charles Muddlenen - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 18:17:58 EST 8C1NOo+H No.531059 Reply
>>531056
I don't have any. I never have. Me and suicidal ideation have been best friends since I was twelve, the dissociation kicked in around fourteen. I'm twenty five now, all I've been doing and focusing on for the last half of my life trying to keep myself out of the ground and deal with my deteriorating mental state. As sad as it is, just trying to exist is overwhelming some days. I'm having a little breakdown internally at work while typing this.

I've tried prescription drugs, illegal drugs, counselling, therapy. I don't know what else to do beyond admitting myself to the psych ward and hoping they can fix me. I've got an appointment with my psychiatrist on Monday, if I haven't improved I'm gonna talk to her about it. If I get worse I'm just taking myself to the hospital.
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Fucking Bleblingchere - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 19:59:42 EST FfKOgUEy No.531061 Reply
>>531058
Well that's a false dichotomy in a sense, but given that choice I'd understand taking the cheater.
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Hedda Bovingstog - Sat, 17 Aug 2019 15:03:56 EST hiKxQg3e No.531074 Reply
I'm pretty sure I'm being stalked by people who are mad at me for being sexually promiscuous as well as a few for rejecting them or other bizarre sex/relationship related reasons. They want to catch me with a joint at a bad time or in a compromising situation because they have some sort of misplaced resentment and it's really pathetic and immature and childish. Ugh.
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Jarvis Huzzlewater - Sat, 17 Aug 2019 17:17:20 EST ijNDmQGc No.531078 Reply
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I've been with someone who's special to me for the first time in a very long time. I tried to make this as obvious as possible without flat out saying it but I don't think it got through. I'm going to say it next time, and the anxiety from these few days has me in such a state that I haven't masturbated in 3 full days (that's extremely rare for me)

Guarantee you she doesn't like me back anyway
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Phineas Hobbleshaw - Sun, 18 Aug 2019 10:15:18 EST z5mjYXr2 No.531100 Reply
>>531059
I know how u feel

i wouldve said more but my wrist is broken. hurts 2 type and very hard
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Polly Trotstone - Tue, 20 Aug 2019 03:34:40 EST hiKxQg3e No.531148 Reply
Just sort of raw and empty now, but I also feel like there's room to put new stuff in. I feel exhausted, but like the next few nights of sleep will be good, and good things will be coming after that.
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