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Toxic mother, family suffering

- Mon, 17 Jun 2019 05:55:26 EST g15GzSgx No.529891
File: 1560765326887.jpg -(74893B / 73.14KB, 1024x659) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Toxic mother, family suffering

the purpose of this thread is to keep a long and detailed discussion and hopefully assistance on the issue.
I chose to run it on /qq/ as it is equally well-paced as it is comprised of mature anonymous people.

The issue is
>toxic mother (50 years old)

No, there are no 'mommy issues' at least at my side (I'm 25, male) as I have a non-toxic relationship with my mother due to enforced stoicism from an early age. I can handle her (but obviously shouldn't). Stoicism enforced mostly by my father as he was thoroughly aware that it'd be dangerous for me to endure her toxicity without said stoicism.

>father (57)
He's no angel, let's be clear. He was supposed to be the one to keep her in check and steer her right, especially since he's gotten her pregnant at 15. That itself caused her to be very detached from anything not housewife related, further blocking her abilities. The woman is thoroughly afraid of real life.

He is now getting old, stuck doing dead-end menial labor in another town. He lives in squalor, just so he can give her half his paycheck - for her to live in squalor as well. He's seemingly decided for this status quo as he can't argue with her anymore.

>sister (34)
Is the one I'm most worried about. Mother's mother, our grandmother, was almost exactly the same. Continuously forcing bullshit unto everyone, leaving her to die alone in an old folk's home. I myself hadn't known the woman but felt a deep resentment when I met her a couple years prior to her death - mostly due to being aware that my mother has become that same toxic person.

My sister's married and has two little kids. Whenever she and her family comes in contact with our mother, shit ensues. She almost exclusively argues with her husband when our toxic mother is present. It's putting a strain in my sister's family's relationships as well.

>time ticking
We've always been lower-middle class, my sister had no chance of a career even though she's extremely intelligent and capable.

Myself neither, due to (probably) poor diet I've had a series of medical issues during childhood, and tinkering with an old computer my family managed to afford gave me some expertise in scripting due to which I semi-successfully freelanced and have a (although bad) web dev job.

My mother never, once, at any time, ever, budged to work. All she's done for her past 30+ years is cook, clean, and work on sabotaging the rest of us. She's forcing her shit trying to control all out lives and she expects to live on whatever handout we can afford to give her. Oh and since we never had our own house her thoughts are preoccupied with real-estate loans. Because she wants a house.

Still not worn out, healthy, she can always find a job but she doesn't want to. Her bullshit is caused seemingly exclusively due to not having more grounded worries.

So, what do we do?

>inb4 abandon, not your job etc
  1. What kind of people would we be if we did that
  2. The family "tribe" is what a person is made of, one of the rare beliefs I hold

I am aware though that this person had 50 years to not be dysfunctional and had she cared for anyone but herself she'd straighten herself out. So I am being extremely objective here.
Esther Nicklefield - Mon, 17 Jun 2019 06:00:52 EST g15GzSgx No.529892 Reply
I KNOW that I'm not the only one in this kind of situation. Family units destroyed by unemphatic members is a massive issue.
Esther Nicklefield - Mon, 17 Jun 2019 06:18:27 EST g15GzSgx No.529893 Reply
Also I am aware that she never had someone help her start a normal life, for example I know how much it means to have someone just tell you to "go there and do that" when you're lost in a job hunt. She obviously never had that.

No one ever tried really hard to help her out. We all attempted various things but it always fell flat at her dysfunction and sabotage.

She obviously sees no benefit in being a productive person. She sees no issue in buying gifts to her grandchildren or clothes for one of us with her "allowance", then becoming belligerent when she runs out of money - seeing it a given that we should give her more.

Basil Cruddlegold - Mon, 17 Jun 2019 12:25:53 EST Lny7/LNo No.529895 Reply
1560788753234.gif -(3381513B / 3.22MB, 500x281) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>What kind of people would we be if we did that
Sane ones?
>The family "tribe" is what a person is made of, one of the rare beliefs I hold
Eww. No. Fuck no. Family is something you start out with and have to outgrow, if anything nature dictates that it's healthier to move away from your family when you're independent enough. If you let people like your mother drag you down like that, you kind of deserve all the bullshit you get because you chose to accept the consequences.
Barnaby Chapperham - Mon, 17 Jun 2019 13:52:13 EST Nocxtt2B No.529896 Reply

Dude what the fuck your mother had to marry a pedophile who knocked her up when she was a child of COURSE She is fucked up, I bet she has incredible anger issues, i'm pretty impressed she didn't murder you all as babies but if she had any mental health she would have run out on you and gone and lived her own life rather than living a lie, that didn't exactly help you, jesus christ you poor thing. my heart really goes out to you that you've grown up in a family like that, the suffering gets passed on to her kids
Barnaby Chapperham - Mon, 17 Jun 2019 13:54:41 EST Nocxtt2B No.529897 Reply
yes, this.

All of your family need to get away from your family. it is very very sick. it is a martian parody of a family and it is making every single person sicker every day, get out, all of you, your mother included, before it ruins your life completely. She's only 50 she can still start over. do not speak to each other again until you have had years of therapy and become your own people.
Nicholas Cabblehood - Sun, 11 Aug 2019 02:30:56 EST url5fTeM No.530943 Reply
OP here, been spending more time with my folks lately and turns out my father's a massive manipulator as well.


You're right.

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