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I’m so tired and confused

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- Fri, 02 Aug 2019 01:00:15 EST pNgQLU7V No.530733
File: 1564722015661.jpg -(1193466B / 1.14MB, 4032x3024) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. I’m so tired and confused
So I’m gonna start with my whole sad story and I’ll try to keep myself from going off on too many tangents to keep it short. I’ll put a tl;dr at the bottom because I say short meaning the short version of what I have to say- and I have a lot to say.

I’m not sure where to start, really. I’m bipolar as hell, been dragged from psychologist to psychiatrist to alternative school over and over throughout my child hood as I hid away in my computer. My parents divorced when I was 6 out of nowhere for reasons nobody really ever was honest about. My mom pulled the classic Oedipal complex and kept me away from all the social checks and balances I needed growing up. My dad was hardly around because of his job on top of the divorce. My little brother was effected by the divorce way more drastically and is still stuck in the terrifying state of a mamas boy with BPD.

I hid in video games throughout middle school and then drugs throughout highschool. I kept moving from social group to social group thinking this was what i needed to stop being a loser but I always ended up fucking a lot of people over and disappearing, once again isolating myself into sicker and sicker states. I went from a scrawny white kid playing minecraft to an awkward white kid smoking weed to a pale, tired kid drinking cough syrup before school, a psychotic borderline schizo kid with PTSD, to a jaded 20 year old with no future.

After getting kicked out of my first high school I ended up cutting off all my friends and my life consisted of cough syrup, weed, and driving my dealers around for money and drugs. After a while it was pretty clear that they could take advantage of me so I let myself be dragged around and made a bitch by intimidation and having little care for myself. Got guns stuck up to my head, blah blah blah. I finally wised up and disappeared on them just to end up being manipulated by another sociopath. And then one more.

By the time I finished high school I got PTSD for 4 different reasons. All of my grandparents died, my childhood dog died, my friend died of an overdose, my other dog got cancer, and I had psychosis from a mixture of drugs, trauma, and isolation. I’m still not sure if I’m done with it yet either. Sometimes I hear people screaming when I leave my fan on at night and get flashbacks to a bunch of snuff rape videos i came across when i was 15. Speaking of repressed emotional outbursts relating to female abuse, I somehow ended up with a girlfriend the year after and oooooh shit did this lead to some crazy things.

One guy had been having his friends sexually harrass her all year and I found out one kid tried to rape her the year before. So... I called up a psychopath that I’d promised myself I wouldn’t ever talk to again because it thought id learned my lesson from all the psychos before. But i didnt and called him up because i wanted to power of a crazy violent gang banger on my side. Long story short, someones car got broken into and a shit ton of stuff stolen, someones house has bullet holes in it and is now someone elses, im somehow not in jail by some miracle, the psycho threatened to kill me but then got arrested and locked up for years by another miracle, and now here i am some how alive.

So here I sit; I’m mourning my innocence, my lost loved ones, my childhood, my heart, my wasted potential.. and I’m stuck ruminating on revenge fantasies, terrible decisions that burden me with guilt, terrible things ive said, etc etc etc. I’m crying every night and want to quit my job and move away every day but snap out of it after a coffee and listening to my favorite songs. I flash back to terrible things I’ll never unsee randomly and I am constantly paranoid for myself, my girlfriend, and my loved ones for sometimes realistic reasons and sometimes just because of delusional paranoia. I have no idea how i became what I am but I hate it and wish I could go back. My IQ is ridiculous and I know I have so much potential in me but I feel overwhelemed by life constantly, have no reasonable path to go down, and have no way to go back from some of the things ive done to my reputation in this town.

Tl;dr my childhood was off, the internet and having no friends fucked up my head growing up, I can’t get alone with people, I fucked my head up even worse with reckless drug abuse, got traumatized and abused over and over, suffered psychosis, lost a lot of things I love, embarrassed myself constantly, put myself and everyone I love in danger several times, did some VERY crazy shit I cant believe I’m capable of, somehow survived on luck, burned the fuck out, and remain a paranoid, depressed, angry, confused, overwhelemed, and weak person. I cry constantly and am loosing my communication skills and I have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t even know what the point of this post is other than to vent and ask for the odd person who reads through this behemoth to say anything or relate.

Idk guys, manic depressive latent schizophrenic with sociopathic tendencies and daddy issues out
>>
Lillian Heshsere - Fri, 02 Aug 2019 01:29:45 EST mEnDUHX1 No.530734 Reply
Hey man I really want to give you some advice.

First, I wasted around five years of my life drinking and got withdrawals so bad I still get tremors. I really thought I would just drink myself to death one day and that would be the end of it, because of this I made a lot of stupid choices with people I really cared about (one person really) and this sounds like where you're at.

I really hate telling people to quit getting fucked up but you should quit getting fucked up. Smoke weed so you don't go apeshit from boredom but just try being a little bit sober and warn your girlfriend you will be on edge for a bit, and please don't make the only mistake I truly regret from that period of my life and lose her.

My body shaking all the time, whatever man we all gotta die. I'd have been better off dead to be honest. Getting pushed out of college graduate super rich society because I was too drunk to fit in, like I give a shit man punk rock. The only thing I really look back on and think Why didn't I snap out of it? is her. Maybe you have more luck than me with women but you're getting older and pussy stinks after like 25 like dead dog bro

Cheered up yet? See look at me, It took me one month of not drinking to never miss it again. I have no regrets about stopping using alcohol and I smoked weed for a long time after and my life still improved, I got a job, fucked a nineteen year old once, got a sports car, hell yeah man

I made it or something, I dunno just stop getting fucked up or you'll lose her

That simple

Also the flashbacks cut back a lot when you have something good in your life to enjoy. Remember how you have a girlfriend? I don't. I think about killing people like every day, any person I can get my hands on. One day I might

So not only stop getting fucked up, DON'T FUCKING LOSE HER OR WE'LL BOTH BE HOMICIDAL

Do you wanna see me fucking kill a man? Is that it? Are you pushing me?

And lighten up a bit, some stuff is alright you're probably just not using your time wisely. Watch some anime. I dunno man DONT FUCKING LOSE HER PUSSY SMELLS LIKE DEAD DOG AFTER 25
>>
Alice Brookforth - Sat, 03 Aug 2019 13:02:46 EST pNgQLU7V No.530769 Reply
>>530734
I really don’t plan on it. We were arguing constantly flr those 2 months everything was happening in but we’re doing better now. I still am kinda homicidal inside now which is really new. Never fantasies about killing innocent people (though i get sadistic in my masturbatory fantasies, probably processing my trauma sexually) but i do get the sinking feeling that i could blow someones head off on a bad day. But i dont plan on loosing this girl, shes a fucking god send man. Try not to kill someone, though dude. You seem alright
>>
Reuben Lightfield - Sat, 03 Aug 2019 17:18:20 EST mEnDUHX1 No.530774 Reply
1564867100039.jpg -(191156B / 186.68KB, 900x1600) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>530769
Try not to LIVE MY OWN DREAM!? Yeah I probably won't to be honest prison would be terrible and I actually try not to sin. Have you tried cutting back a bit? Terrible right? Seriously you might as well quit if you can't get 100% Ragehigh so I suggest you do so, stick to weed. In a month I bet you don't miss it or at least see the benefit of going sober

Definitely suggest increasing your coffee and cigarette intake as well, and video games. Forget the stuff that feels like a chore and just veg until the stuff is out of your system

Also look at how happy this little girl is
>>
Eugene Duckgold - Sat, 03 Aug 2019 18:31:57 EST Mo+hzZ2t No.530776 Reply
>>530774
Oh, I only smoke weed and do psychedelics sometimes now. I hated alcohol and shit like benzos. I’m tryinf a lot of what youre saying minus the cigs. Nice questionable love for kids btw :^) love ya
>>
Reuben Lightfield - Sat, 03 Aug 2019 19:23:59 EST mEnDUHX1 No.530777 Reply
>>530776
Psys are also not good for you IMO

They really last too long for you to maintain any proper close relationships, plus they make you crazy obnoxious to people
>>
Archie Chindleham - Sun, 04 Aug 2019 02:11:17 EST pNgQLU7V No.530779 Reply
>>530777
Ehhh im already obnoxious. Either you fall for my facades and catch my initial psychopathic charm or you dont like me and i dont care. Psychedelics are made for me, I have no other place to explore and I’ll kill myself if I cant explore. As for close and proper relationships, I have my friends and girlfriend but I really never have been a 100% there for you guy, minus gf. Like back to the days of kindergarten. Just me man d Psychedelics really dont take up more time than a long day at work or day trip (hue) so I wouldnt consider that an issue. But yeah I see what you’re saying, but drugs like DXM and etizolam were way way worse for me. If i consistently work out im relatively content. So yeah idk the end :^)
>>
Cedric Fucklebury - Sun, 04 Aug 2019 23:41:23 EST XiHtpV2+ No.530786 Reply
>>530779
Nobody is labeling you a psychopath other than yourself. You read that superficial charm is a symptom of psychopathy and became afraid. What you didn't take into consideration is that your shallowness is different from full-fledged being a full-fledged sociopath. You acted out of fear and labeled yourself something worse than you truly were. If you continue to treat yourself this way, you will become a narcissist. Once you develop a narcissistic personality disorder, you will start to trick people into hating you by calling yourself a psychopath, you will terrorize people by telling them you will kill yourself, and you will hold people hostage when they don't want to hear about how awful you are. Try exploring that.
>>
Nathaniel Sallerdere - Mon, 05 Aug 2019 00:15:42 EST Sf086dS/ No.530788 Reply
>>530779
I would bet you're actually pretty charming

I used to feel that way about myself then I found out people love me, they're so jealous of me they refuse to let me succeed

Don't let them fool you, they're jealous
>>
Cedric Fucklebury - Mon, 05 Aug 2019 00:23:36 EST XiHtpV2+ No.530790 Reply
>>530789
Trying helping yourself before you think you can help anyone else
>>
Cedric Fucklebury - Mon, 05 Aug 2019 00:34:09 EST XiHtpV2+ No.530791 Reply
>>530789
When you treat people like prey, you'll soon find yourself in a cage.
>>
Henry Fobbersin - Wed, 07 Aug 2019 11:53:49 EST XiHtpV2+ No.530850 Reply
>>530815
I read that as "sociopathic tenderizers"
>>
Jack Nicklestock - Wed, 07 Aug 2019 15:40:21 EST pNgQLU7V No.530856 Reply
1565206821190.png -(82139B / 80.21KB, 500x375) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
>>530854
Yeah im aware, but isnt qq where we vent our self obsessed enthusiasm? It doesn’t seem like people are calling me on my cringe but moreso ‘philosophy’ (for lack of a better word) and no that’s not what i was reffering to when i said projecting. That videos a fucking classic btw thank you for bringing this back into my life. But anyway i see what you’re saying I’m pretty avoidant and a bit of a le joker but I wouldn’t say I’m saying fuck off to anyone.
>>
Shitting Cligglehood - Thu, 08 Aug 2019 12:23:04 EST fKPdiPC6 No.530867 Reply
>>530858
The difference is cringe is inherent and philosophy isnt
>>
Barnaby Sangerlutch - Thu, 08 Aug 2019 13:19:39 EST ZyAKcTrV No.530870 Reply
>>530856
At some point in your life you'll learn that if you're going to fake being anything be fake positive.
>>
Frederick Goodshit - Sun, 11 Aug 2019 02:16:03 EST pNgQLU7V No.530941 Reply
>>530873
You can start fasting by choking on all the manic depressive sperm shot from my epic dick
>>
Frederick Goodshit - Sun, 11 Aug 2019 02:24:13 EST pNgQLU7V No.530942 Reply
>>530870
I mean, what am I. I literally got some guy i just met to shoot up someones house im exchange for nothing (thats a le joke though i didnt do that in le real life heheheh) diagnosed with sociopathic tendencies around the age of 12 because i was going between swings where i lacked empathy and emotion and then come back to normal. And my manic depression and probably a little enthusiasm swings me back and forth between social influence and social isolation. I grew up manipulating everyone around me because i had to lie to my family constantly as a kid. Maybe I’m on an ego trip over how much of a unique little disaster i am, but im definitely not faking being a unique little disaster. Not that any of that really matters, I feel like i made this thread for some advice that wasnt fasting
>>
Clara Huffingson - Sun, 11 Aug 2019 14:05:16 EST ePhsuhVM No.530958 Reply
>>530942
Maybe you should work on changing your behavior instead of focusing on what psychological defect could be causing it.
>>
Nathaniel Fudgewater - Wed, 14 Aug 2019 18:21:28 EST 8nEEdvzV No.531025 Reply
>>530957
Oh it's just fasting guy, how's the pro-ana schtick going?
>>
Phineas Clozzlelock - Thu, 15 Aug 2019 17:36:24 EST hiKxQg3e No.531045 Reply
>>531041
lol pro-ana guy is probably either a 500 lb psychopath or an 80 lb weakling
>>
Phineas Huddlebanks - Thu, 15 Aug 2019 18:35:29 EST FfKOgUEy No.531046 Reply
>>531041
Yeah because our body just runs on calories and nothing else.

I mean obviously we can withstand not maintaining certain things for very long periods of time but if you regularly let maintenance slip on anything it will decline faster even when you pick it back up. Repeatedly not supplying our body protein, water soluble vitamins and things it runs out of after a couple of days seems like a dumb idea.
>>
Eugene Pickwill - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 08:47:10 EST hiKxQg3e No.531048 Reply
>>531046
Intermittent fasting is totally okay, but the point is the aperture of the cycles, for example two days of fasting, two days of restriction, followed by three days of daytime fasting seems okay.
>>
Fucking Bleblingchere - Fri, 16 Aug 2019 13:11:11 EST FfKOgUEy No.531055 Reply
>>531053
>what do you think humans used to do before there was a consistent caloric surplus when we were hunter gatherer
Age rapidly and be cripples by 40 usually. Then for a while they got out competed by people who were a full foot shorter due to a poorly balanced diet because they had a reliable source of food.

>Digestion takes energy
Yes but it provides more. I mean in the short run you need your blood there to break down food and eating 3 times a day plus snacks is bad. As the other guy said, intermittent fasting isn't going to do a lot of damage.

If the best you have is
>cave man did it
You've got nothing of actual substance. No studies, just the ability to say they exist. No facts. You just don't understand science. I guess your brain isn't what it used to be though.
>>
Thomas Gumbleman - Sat, 17 Aug 2019 12:49:37 EST dSPy0yiU No.531070 Reply
>>531057
you're a goddamn fool
>>
Nigel Hallerditch - Sun, 18 Aug 2019 05:16:18 EST FfKOgUEy No.531092 Reply
>>531057
>why would I need science?
Quoting this for posterity. Might repeat it every time you shill your shit too. I'm not going to explain why. Because that's for the benefit of your victims not for you.
>>
Wesley Snodlock - Sun, 18 Aug 2019 11:10:51 EST yUhAjzvV No.531103 Reply
The reason intermittent fasting works isn't because digestion takes so much energy, honestly both of you are just being dum dums right now. The reason IF works so well is because the restriction of carbohydrates (sugars in particular) lowers insulin levels so much.

Having higher levels of insulin effectively prevents people from losing weight and in particular burning fat as an energy source. IF is a sort of "hack" that involves utilizing a comprehensive understanding of how the body and metabolism works in a thoughtful and intelligent manner to produce effective results. As long as you actually know what you're doing and eat the right kinds of foods using IF, you can lose a lot of weight and be quite healthy.
>>
>>
Hannah Savingshit - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 02:13:59 EST sv4KUxbS No.531123 Reply
>>531108
>3 day fast
>expecting to see any of the true benefits of fasting before 10 days
He didn't ask for a bitch's input, you know.

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