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Something's Wrong

- Wed, 14 Aug 2019 09:25:49 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531012
File: 1565789149870.jpg -(63869B / 62.37KB, 720x380) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. Something's Wrong
I'll try to keep this short.
I feel like something's wrong with me. My life is objectively the best it's ever been in terms of ease and security, and yet I feel it's getting harder and harder to get through each day.

I feel like it started around 2 years ago when my girlfriend moved in with me. At first I thought I just needed an adjustment period from living alone my whole adult life, but here we are 2 years later, and if anything, the feeling is getting worse (or at least harder to ignore).

The thing is, I don't really know if it's living with her that's making me feel this way.
I feel the worst when I'm at work. I have such a hard time getting up some mornings, and there are days when I get to my desk and want to just cry.
I pretty much always feel better at home. I just took a week-long trip with my girlfriend, and it was the best time I've had in ages. I enjoyed myself, and I enjoyed being with her. So that means being around her probably isn't the cause, right?

I know I wasn't always happy before my girlfriend. I was lonely and felt like a loser. I had no friends.
And yet, I also feel like I enjoyed myself. I had fun, did things, looked forward to things.
Now whenever I try to engage in one of my previous pastimes, I feel like I'm just going through the motions.
I feel like the weekends are pointless because I'll just be facing down another Monday morning in 48 hours. There used to be a time where I was actually ready to go back to work on Monday, because I had gotten bored from the weekend.
Now I can't remember the last time I felt fully rested even after a 3 day weekend.
I feel like everything is becoming a struggle, and I rarely have anything to look forward to. The only cure I've found is to keep myself so busy that I don't have time to feel bad (but that usually just leads elevated stress, so it's a trade-off).

The other alternative is weed. Before my girlfriend, I would drink a controlled amount to get drunk maybe 1-2 times a week, like Friday/Saturday night.
After she moved in, I was binge-drinking 3-4 times a week, sometimes spending whole days drunk (only on my days off work), and not limiting myself to the controlled amounts I had been before. Eventually it started to backfire though, and I would find myself feeling even worse than I would otherwise the morning after, so the past few months I've started shifting to weed instead.
Weed doesn't have the negative effects alcohol does, but I've gone from using it maybe once every few months to multiple times a week. It's gotten to the point where I've seriously started to consider micro-dosing edibles in the morning just so I won't feel like having a breakdown at my desk.

My gut is telling me I need to change something in my life, but I don't want to leave my girlfriend, and my job is too sweet a gig to give up.
I feel like there's something wrong with me, and I don't know what to do.
Simon Furryhood - Wed, 14 Aug 2019 09:42:58 EST 1ub4L/0W No.531013 Reply
As you've managed to learn on your own, using drugs is a temporary reprieve from dealing with your problems, it doesn't make them go away. Watch Steve-O Rise and Demise.
Frederick Muffingfield - Wed, 14 Aug 2019 12:53:21 EST FfKOgUEy No.531017 Reply
This. Not sure about the Steve O thing but it's probably relevant too.

You're self medicating. Different people need different things but you definitely need to do something. Maybe you just need to realise why you're feeling that way and address it or maybe you need to undergo CBT. It does sound like you're projecting something bad that happened on to your life situation on some level because of a superficial simularity but I don't know you and I'm not a psych so talk to someone who isn't just making clever sounding guesses over the internet. I am sure you need to do something that isn't just drugs. They should be for fun, not for not being miserable.

Maybe its your life, maybe its your mind.
Barnaby Hadgehid - Thu, 15 Aug 2019 02:01:11 EST iJiVumQQ No.531030 Reply
Your life is out of balance and you feel like you lack control of the things you do. Fair enough. That's called being part of the system.

Theres a shift in society. If you were born a generation earlier youd be able to have a more comfortable lifestyle for doing the same shit as you are now, but yeah now the squeeze is on you. Dont get me wrong. Youd get squeezed anyway. Look at your parents. Chances are they've been stressed since before you were born. Yep. Paying all the insurances and bills and upkeeps after rent and doing housework and cleaning. Adult shit is never ending and always seems frivolous.

You get home and on top of unloading the stress of the day you have to do shit with your partner and keep the spice alive. If shes not happy, you'll probably wear it one way or another. Hey, shes stressed too.

Do you want to live your life this way? Really? If so, continue. Dont change a thing.

We all know however that it's not working. The whole damn society knows this subconsciously and its why everyone is freaking the fuck out. The planet is too small to keep up with endless growth and the middle are falling behind into indentured servitude.

Opt out. Fucking buy a caravan and an empty block of land with some bush out of the city. Build a house out of cob and recycled materials. Grow your own food. You'll be able to work 3 days a week if you dont have a mortgage and spend huge amounts of money on shitty mass produced food.

Sounds like a lot of hassle? Well you'll have to do it anyway eventually and if you dont you'll wear a home loan that take 30 years of hard work and diminishing returns to pay off instead of a few years shifting dirt.
Nicholas Trotbanks - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 13:41:28 EST DpEzAaRq No.531133 Reply
Yeah, I remember watching that when it first aired.

I agree I'm self medicating. But also, maybe I'm okay with that, as long as it works?

I'm actually like 2 years away from having my house paid off, so at least I'm on my way to financial freedom.

Maybe the added stressors at home are just overloading me. Like, I never feel recharged anymore. It used to be that a 2 day weekend was enough to recharge and go back at it on Monday. Hell, I even spent my Sundays volunteering.
I haven't volunteered in over 2 years though, because I feel like I'm already overextended as it is.

And with my job... It's an easy-going environment with good pay (it's why I've been able to pay off my mortgage so quickly) but in a way, it's also dead end. I never really had any career aspirations other than "earn money" and "live comfortably," which I'm basically achieving. But maybe I want more than that out of work.
But am I willing to sacrifice the stability and security I have now to go in search of that?
So far I haven't been, because it seems like giving up what I have would be foolish.
Also, I wouldn't even begin to know what I'm actually looking to get out of work that would make it feel "fulfilling" or "worthwhile."

I can see that I'm resorting to weed to more easily accept my current situation because I'm unable or unwilling to change it.

I know lots of people aren't even lucky enough to have this problem of finding fulfillment with their work, and are just struggling to survive.
But how does one go about figuring out what kind of work is meaningful to them?
Even in college, I just haphazardly picked a major based on what seemed vaguely interesting, without having any kind of actual passion for it.
And my current job doesn't even have anything to do with that.

How do people figure out what they want to do for a living?
Cornelius Denderchodging - Mon, 19 Aug 2019 13:53:17 EST EnZaW86f No.531134 Reply
>as long as it works
But it's not, is it? And when it works, you're just white-knuckling it
Charlotte Fashfield - Wed, 21 Aug 2019 14:23:13 EST k1JhGFJ8 No.531186 Reply
We'll, I've been holding back.
Weed never fails to improve my mood, but I'm worried about becoming a habitual user or dependent on it, so I try to use it sparingly.

Here's the thing, I usually never smoke during the week, but I've gotten high the past 2 nights, and my mood today is pretty awesome.
This is what I remember feeling like on the regular before all this stuff started.
It troubles me that I now require weed to get to this state when I never used to, but I'm also wondering if it's wrong to just accept this and use more often.

I mean, lots of people get weed prescribed for depression and anxiety, right?
Jack Drumblesere - Wed, 21 Aug 2019 18:46:48 EST VU3mWrry No.531196 Reply
They sure do, but a lot of people also fall for the trick of going on a medication without a plan to get off it, or worse, fight an endless tug of war in their own minds about whether their use is medical or recreational. Really just don't drink alcohol. I don't. The three beers a week maybe that I would allow myself as a normal weight person over 40 aren't enough to get me drunk enough to even feel it. I smoke that weed each and every day though, and it's how I keep my athletics up. Other drugs....dont worry about them. Focus on you and focus on your girlfriend. Think, what am I bringing to the party here? How can I do more positive things for the people in my life who care about me?
Basil Blicklewid - Thu, 22 Aug 2019 00:06:08 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531200 Reply
Aw, being replied to by the fasting guy makes me feel so included.

Fun fact, I've done intermittent fasting before during a cutting phase (as in bodybuilding, not the kind of cutting with knives). I would do just one meal a day in the evenings. That's some of the lowest-energy most depressing times I've ever had.
Lydia Pevingville - Thu, 22 Aug 2019 06:51:28 EST aHkMrj9o No.531205 Reply
Jesus man... People who have really taken this journey and been down this path any distance do not talk like this. Get off 4chinsarchive slash fit slash. Self-improvement is meaningless and detrimental ultimately if you're just using it as a platform to abuse and berate people who are in a different place along the path. Read past the dust jackets on the Dr. Phil books. Stop acting like you're in a cartoon, or at least stop acting like a cartoon gym teacher or high school counselor from the 90s.
Ian Cannerstone - Thu, 22 Aug 2019 14:52:11 EST mEbTcPlw No.531211 Reply
well nigga who knows. maybe you didn't break your addictions.
one cool thing i noticed when i did my 10 was how sad i got.. that's actually a good thing because i noticed i covered it with food + watching something on the computer. that's an addiction, and it was unpleasant but diminished in a few days. it goes away when you stop covering it up. same thing with caffeine and any other drug. also your cellphone, which is designed to align with and ultimately fuck your dopemine pathways. all of that is unpleasant, who knows why your experience was so gay. i'm guessing what you're eating is at least half decent if you're doing gym stuff, but maybe you didn't eat enough for your one thing. the body needs to get used to that if it's not, and you do that by pushing through, obviously being careful and listening to yourself. that's how you recalibrate yourself. do a 3 day fast

you are not as intelligent as you believe
also you are gay
Priscilla Hummlestock - Thu, 22 Aug 2019 17:45:36 EST hsjTltEH No.531214 Reply
I may not be right but I know for a fact you're a douchebag.
Martin Baffingwit - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 00:07:15 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531363 Reply
This is OP again.
I think I may have figured it out, or at least stumbled on to something.

I was high last night and I had the realization that I'm never able to really relax anymore. Not like I used to.
Sure I can sit on the couch and watch TV, but I can never just... be at total ease. There are things that are now constantly vying for my attention 24 hours a day (my girlfriend and her pets) that I didn't have to deal with when I lived alone.
It's no wonder I want to cry on Monday morning because I feel like I've had 0 respite over the weekend. I can't remember the last time I was able to really relax like I used to. I think I've been using marijuana/alcohol to turn off the noisy part of my brain so I can just be at peace for a couple of hours.

My long term gameplan is to outlive the pets, but what can I do in the meantime?
Eliza Gandlestone - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 11:49:27 EST hiKxQg3e No.531376 Reply
Maybe a change of scenery would do you some good! A road trip is what we used to do when we'd get ennui and cabin fever. It really helps, you can just run around in nature, see new things, make friends to be pen pals later. I highly recommend it.
Eliza Sinnerstot - Thu, 29 Aug 2019 11:58:41 EST tLnTz44g No.531379 Reply
Functional meditation can help you be more present in moments so you don't feel like your participation is so superficial.

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