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- Tue, 10 Sep 2019 23:37:25 EST XG4SjYIg No.531646
File: 1568173045888.jpg -(85918B / 83.90KB, 1000x1000) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. gewa
Damn dude. I wake up with apocalyptic world ending depression. I hit snooze 4-10 times every day. I leave bed and climb through the heaps of clothes into the aisles of our apartment decorated by my high tier hoarder of a mother. She's sick and diabetic so I have to get her breakfast - navigating the kitchen isn't an option. I also have to feed my unemployable, depressed younger brother. Sometimes I cry in the shower, like actual sobbing just loud enough that it almost cant be heard over the water. Sometimes I don't shower because I don't care.

My job is quite easy - mainly cleaning shit thats 90% clean already. 50% of the time I'm just trying my best to look busy. Everyone at the job respects me and treats me decently, to my face anyway. Except 1 guy who strives to make my life hell. He fears I will take his job and he envies me. Just short of setting me up to fail, he accuses me of every trifling thing under the sun, and tells on himself constantly. Anyone who even knows what psychology is could see that he epitomizes the concept of "projecting" - making way left field remarks that expose what he thinks of himself. I don't want his fucking job. He allows himself to be treated like a slave and they are trying to do the same to me if I don't speak up for myself.

My actual boss is incredibly nice guy, but so awkward to talk to and be around that I can't stand to let him down or quit. Why would I quit a decent paying, easy mode job? I can usually keep that one guy off my ass with some simple psychology, but the burning holes in the back of my head and pouncing every little mistake I make is still irksome.

The complication - I have been constently in therapy for more than half of my life, dealing with my neglected childhood + abusive relationships. I have done just about everything. I have the skills and wisdom to not dare discount the progress I made. Part of me fears that I have lowered my expectations too much for treatment and time was wasted. And that is the root of the problem. My biggest existential problem that drives my eternal depression locomotive. I want my pain to not be for nothing. I want some magical being to part the sky, quantify my suffering with a calculation, and present to me some reward that would make everything up till now worthwhile.

Meanwhile, after feeding my family more fast food, I come home in the evening, and play video games. Desperate to escape to a world where the damage we receive is quantified. It can be mitigated, avoided, or dealt with. Ive yet to see a game where we struggle to hide our low health and willpower from our own allies.

I don't know. I'm flirting with nihilism. I just had to get that out. In a few minutes I'm going to check my phone to see if I was fired for calling out of work - I couldn't pull myself together this morning.

Thanks for letting me vent I guess.
Jenny Hazzlenot - Wed, 11 Sep 2019 00:05:24 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531647 Reply
1568174724491.jpg -(63422B / 61.94KB, 750x536) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.
move out
nice album
Martin Duckwell - Sat, 21 Sep 2019 01:51:25 EST zXYjKqIG No.531837 Reply
> I want some magical being to part the sky, quantify my suffering with a calculation, and present to me some reward that would make everything up till now worthwhile
When i catch myself aimlessly going through my phone sometimes I wish their was a website called yourlife.com that could show me what I should be doing instead of wasting time. But then I realize that's egocentric and I could die tomorrow and most certainly regret it even though suicide is a romantic fantasy of mine and I try to transmute that negativity into something unique and tangible to further myself. What I do when I'm feeling dull is go into nature and try to reach higher states of existence in sober meditation.
Eugene Gosslechut - Sat, 21 Sep 2019 08:21:36 EST jTGkEsHU No.531838 Reply
What have you put effort into to improve your mental health?

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