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befriending a female

- Fri, 13 Sep 2019 17:06:35 EST 67oTrBBI No.531694
File: 1568408795592.png -(12016B / 11.73KB, 800x300) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size. befriending a female
I know it's a very broad question and that it comes naturally to most, but I'd really appreciate some pointers, specially from the ladies of the board.

Can a dude ask a woman to go eat a burger or watch a movie without romantic implications?

How do I even approach her so as to not fuck this up?

Should I even try to do so while carrying the burden of a white-hot burning infatuation?

I say hi to her and we have several mutual acquaintances but that's about it, there has never been a single actual conversation or anything.

In case you need background about me I've been a shut-in my entire life and have always had trouble relating to people in general, but more importantly I literally have zero experience of any kind with women, seriously, I'm a level 31 kissless wizard.

I've had an insanely intense crush for her for at least the past 6 months, and prior to that it had already happened about 2 years ago when she was new at the company, but I realistically know I don't stand a chance and I'm 80% sure she's into another guy anyway.
Eliza Clottingwutch - Fri, 13 Sep 2019 19:00:22 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531697 Reply
why would you befriend your "crush"? just get rid of the concept of crushes, that shit is only acceptable in high school, if you like a woman talk to her and eventually ask her out if you have shit in common or click, otherwise just keep her as an acquaintance
Oliver Pockwater - Fri, 13 Sep 2019 19:21:18 EST 67oTrBBI No.531698 Reply
Well, I'm deliberately using the word crush because she makes me feel like a middle school kid, butterflies in the stomach and goofy smile included.

And I'd like to befriend her because picking up the "don't panic while talking to a smart beautiful woman you like" skill seems like an important milestone in anyone's life, specially for someone with my background
Eliza Clottingwutch - Fri, 13 Sep 2019 19:46:33 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531699 Reply
that's normal but the term implies heavy infatuation when you haven't even met her, essentially putting the pussy on a pedestal, she's just another human with flaws and insecurities
again just talk to her and get to know her, if she shows the slightest bit of interest ask her out for sushi or something, if not you have a new friend that can probably show you her female friends
just don't be on this limbo of doubt, be assertive, women love that shit
Matilda Surrystone - Fri, 13 Sep 2019 19:48:24 EST iJiVumQQ No.531700 Reply
Yeah it's not a great idea dude. It's like saying hey I'm going to double down on my emotional investment into a woman who doesn't see me as a romantic interest.

Down the line she will be seeing some other dude and you are going to be hurting. Eventually you will confess or something and she will be like what? It's not like that. And then you will be bitter and be that guy who says mean shit to the girl you've been in love with for so long. The friendship will be outed as bullshit and you will part ways forever.

We've all been there but no it's a huge waste of time and severely painful for everyone.

You have to work on that confidence.

Why dont you ask her out as a date? Too much nerves right? Youd be better served asking her out but you won't. Well then step down the ladder of romantic experiences to a level that you will feel comfortable with. Maybe take another woman that you're not infatuated with out. Nobody like that? Join a club or something. Meet some random women and make half hearted moves on them. Make some male friends and just socialize more.

You have to come at this problem holistically. You've been avoiding confronting the
social side of your life for too long, but it's also about your own mental and physical health as well. Go get some therapy. Go for some walks. Go to a show or something live your life. It's not all about that one girl and in fact the more that you make fixing your life about her the more you guarantee that it will never work. Trust me.

Imagine you did get this girl and you're going out for 6 months. You are stressed out because of work and cant bare to go out and yet shes hankering to go out with her friends out on the town maybe including a male friend or two. From a relationship perspective its pretty clear that the two of you should do separate shit for the night. She needs to go out. You need to stay home. You'll be stronger as a couple in the morning and she will probably miss you and talk about you. But here's the thing. Most dudes have insecurities and bad experiences. They start worrying that their girlfriends are cheating on them so they smother the girlfriend with attention and control, all the while feeling like a victim. Guys dont prepare for that level of vulnerability. You need to start preparing. It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

You need to be able to let a woman go in order to keep her and that means a whole lot of inner work on yourself. You need to believe in yourself. You have to be able to start again from level 1 if necessary. So forget about this girl now if you cant ask her out on a proper date, and start at level 1.
David Gammerdere - Fri, 13 Sep 2019 20:11:51 EST 67oTrBBI No.531701 Reply
I really appreciate your honest input, fellas. Some points you've made remind me of my irl friend who I thought was just encouraging me outta loyalty... or because I won't stop talking about her.

Also, I thank you for your insight, Matilda; yeah it'd be totally unfair for me to put her under this ginormic pressure of living up to this perfect idea I have of her and the last thing I want is to make her uncomfortable in any way. Plus, maybe having a "practice relationship" with some other chick is what I need; I had considered it already but it felt really douchy seeing how I essentially worship another woman.

Is it a dick move to go on dates with no real interest in any sort of long term relationship?
Esther Climblefin - Fri, 13 Sep 2019 21:50:57 EST iJiVumQQ No.531702 Reply
Look dude you have to separate yourself from your emotions. You know that it's not logical to have oneitis over this chick that you barely know. But you do. It's your body what can you do? The only thing for it really is to lessen some of your loneliness and build intimacy, even platonic intimacy.

So if you start dating people even though you are infatuated with some other woman, it's fine, because you know that the infatuation is stupid and actually it might help you to see other women.

Dates are only dates. You dont need to sleep with them, get into a relationship with them, marry them, pay for them, talk to them, do fucking anything that you dont want to. It's just testing the waters. If it doesn't work, it doesn't work.
Matilda Brengerpock - Sat, 14 Sep 2019 16:40:27 EST k2Ft4Ntn No.531715 Reply
Yeah I've been there dude. I've experienced what happens when you befriend your crush.Spoilers: didn't end well
check out this thread I made a while ago (>>530142)

tell you what though. It didn't work out for me but it hasn't made me cynical or bitter. I don't want to tell you not to do it, because you are not me and I am not you. what if it turned out that this was actually your future wife and I tried to give you negative advice based on some words you wrote on the internet?

getting rejected is pain but there's no greater regret than the regret of inaction.
go for it. just try not to pin all your hopes and dreams on this one girl. she'll sense the immense pressure you're putting on her and she'll be freaked out. do what the other guy said to do and go on dates with other women.

and there's no need to feel bad about dating other women while you're still infatuated with this girl, because your date might be in the same situation, or she might be dating you to distract her from a previous relationship, or to make her ex jealous or whatever the fuck.

never seen someone explain it so well

what's your problem with the concept of a "crush"? I don't know where you get the idea from that it's solely something teenagers do, when it's just a synonym for the word 'infatuation'.
Phyllis Savingway - Sat, 14 Sep 2019 21:40:50 EST 67oTrBBI No.531718 Reply

I don't know what to tell ya, man. Just a few hours ago I found out through a mutual acquiatance that she's most likely seeing someone else outside our circle of friends or they're at least mutually interested in each other.

It hurt me, yes, but nowhere near as badly as I thought it would since what >>531700 said made a fuck ton of sense to me and I made a conscious effort to not idealize her anymore; plus the fact that she might be with someone else already made me so fucking relieved at the same time.

Now I can go back to making dirty jokes and saying stupid bullshit all the time since I can't possibly fuck up a relationship that I'm not in and never will be.
Alice Blollyspear - Sun, 15 Sep 2019 01:21:24 EST xFBnJEh+ No.531719 Reply
>or she might be dating you to distract her from a previous relationship, or to make her ex jealous or whatever the fuck
Jesus Christ, people do this? Now I'm wondering if that's why all my seemingly-good first dates never led to second dates. I was just some person's "distraction" for an evening.
Archie Pickshaw - Sun, 15 Sep 2019 11:27:15 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531724 Reply
meh, it's just semantics but it's equally pathetic
just meet more women and ask them out, someone will bite
Simon Clibbleway - Mon, 16 Sep 2019 22:47:59 EST 67oTrBBI No.531756 Reply
so today is the day I finally worked up the courage to tell her I had a giant fucking crush on her and that I apologized for acting even weirder than usual when she's around.

It was kinda like my way of saying goodbye to the mere thought of trying anything, and I gotta say it went pretty well. She smiled through the whole thing and told me I was cute.

I'd like to thank everyone in this thread for your counseling. I hope to find someone like her some day in the future.
Fuck Blirringsone - Mon, 16 Sep 2019 23:34:26 EST 1VcUBcZx No.531757 Reply
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>ignoring the advice in the thread and making yourself look like an enormous autist
I hope to god you have 200 dollars for a name change and some leftover for at least a haircut because your reputation is undoubtedly destroyed after this. If you have any social media thats actually you I would recommending deleting that shit ASAP so people don't find out who you are when you switch towns. Why in GODS NAME would you ever admit that to her, WHY did you think that would be a good idea.
Sidney Pazzlewell - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 01:17:29 EST jnas4L6T No.531759 Reply

lol oh no, some dumb bitch and her immediate circle of friends might chuckle at OP. or maybe she's a half decent human being and keeps it to herself. either way, who gives a fuck. lol acting like his reputation is ruined. grow the fuck up. obviously OP needed to break through this emotional barrier, so if he chose to work through it just with brutal forthright confession and honesty, well more fucking power to him, sounds difficult and brave. and i am sure it feels better to know she rejected him than to just daydream and wonder forever. at least now he can pick himself up and move forward, while y'all insensitive haters contribute nothing but facepalm images.
Fuck Blirringsone - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 01:30:55 EST 1VcUBcZx No.531760 Reply
Lol, yeah or it could spread around that OP is an obsessive creeper who looked retarded and his chances of finding a woman are MASSIVELY reduced

>and i am sure it feels better to know she rejected him than to just daydream and wonder forever. at least now he can pick himself up and move forward

He could have moved on and forgot about it without admitting to her and looking like a retard, yeah maybe his reputation being destroyed was a little over dramatic but he's seriously hampered his options with a lot of women for literally the only reason being he wanted to "confess" for some dumb ass reason
Lydia Hezzlehall - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 01:44:13 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531761 Reply
oh i dont care about the reputation
confessing is just childish and useless, she's gonna be all "awww ok bye"
OP should've just befriended her like a true grown up
Charles Simblefoot - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 06:18:07 EST evtLuuRB No.531764 Reply
I feel like this came out infinitely better than I had ever hoped and I'm almost certain she won't be making fun of me, but even if she were, my reputation and/or chances with other women couldn't possibly be lower so I had nothing to lose.

Moreover, yeah, like >>531759 said, I had to make it through the emotional barrier somehow and I guess I'm a naturally blunt person.
Martha Nussledale - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 12:42:06 EST aIW77HRf No.531773 Reply
LMAO... She's just probably so glad she got through that. She's probably posting on circlejerk right now wondering whether she should block you or wait until you get drunk and start texting her again?
Jack Trotham - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 12:54:56 EST opS6DjRY No.531775 Reply
I feel like you're projecting your own shitty experiences really hard or just trolling poorly.

S'all good though.
Martha Nussledale - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 13:01:22 EST aIW77HRf No.531776 Reply
Have the "I'd just like to say that I have a huge crush on you and that's why I can't talk to you anymore" conversation and insert yourself as the girl. Relive every horrific moment as he stumbles and umms and uhhs over his words. Come on now. Don't defend this, it's not a flattering look.
Polly Nattingdork - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 13:49:20 EST 5QDEIKYu No.531779 Reply
>She's just probably
>She's probably
Why are you assuming so much that she's reacting a certain way? What do you gain from that?
Jack Trotham - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 13:52:39 EST opS6DjRY No.531780 Reply
Well, it's not like I can read minds, so I'm literally guessing, based on what little information I can gather from our interaction last night when I told her, and her demeanor today.

If you want it in raw terms, had she wanted to destroy me she could've done so many times over already, in several different ways
Angus Nickleford - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 16:22:33 EST k2Ft4Ntn No.531783 Reply
1568751753705.gif -(4171443B / 3.98MB, 200x200) Thumbnail displayed, click image for full size.

ya'll still in highschool or something? the fuck kind of reaction is this to OP handling the situation in a mature way and ending his problem on a positive note?

OP pay no attention to these massive, dickless faggots ITT with their hyperbolic scenarios. what you did took balls, because you made yourself vulnerable to this woman instead of "befriending" her like a goddamned predator waiting to jump when the time is right. the proof that you're right and these guys are wrong is that she gave you a compliment and probably forgot about the whole situation because you're both adults and she's have nothing to gain from trying to "destroy your reputation" whatever the fuck that means.
ooooh, you confessed your feelings to another human. how shameful aaaahhhhh

jesus fuck
Lydia Hezzlehall - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 19:10:15 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531785 Reply
why even get so defensive? i've made it clear confessing is useless, there is NO BALLS involved in saying "hey i like you but i'm not man enough to handle rejection so i'll do it to myself instead"
just talk, y'all are so scared of vaginas ffs. they have a heap of insecurities too
Augustus Sodgewell - Tue, 17 Sep 2019 20:03:39 EST jTGkEsHU No.531786 Reply
Fucking this. Confessing your feelings is the ultimate middle school move.
Martin Bandernuck - Wed, 18 Sep 2019 04:50:17 EST XqqBFqes No.531788 Reply
What's done is done. But yeah try to wean yourself off the idea of closure if you can OP. Things don't conform to narratives.

But yeah it's done. No need for regrets. It took balls IMO.
Edward Pickwill - Wed, 18 Sep 2019 13:35:40 EST znvZPHVt No.531795 Reply
Make a move, get shot down and then resume being friends by just ploughing on as if it wasn't a big deal (because then it rapidly becomes not a big deal). Or don't. "confessing" doesn't reduce the risks but it does mean you're less likely to get a good outcome.

Martin is right about closure though. No one will give you closure on anything except you.

Next time actually give yourself a chance.
James Pickworth - Wed, 18 Sep 2019 13:36:43 EST Fw0/aDJ4 No.531796 Reply
the person you have a crush on is the hardest person in the world to talk to, and also the person with the highest stakes in the world. but ok, go ahead, find out what she is interested in and ask her to do something related to that

e.g. does she like dogs? does she want to volunteer at the shelter with you?
Does she like movies? Does she want to go see that new shitty tarintino thing with you?
Does she like nature? does she want to go to the park with you and photograph seagulls attacking toddlers?
Edward Pickwill - Wed, 18 Sep 2019 18:41:22 EST znvZPHVt No.531802 Reply
>the person you have a crush on is the hardest person in the world to talk to, and also the person with the highest stakes in the world
The person you have possibly unrequited feelings for and no built up relationship or ties to is the highest stakes? This is a woman OP sort of knows, he doesn't know her interests, just that he finds her attractive. Lots of women are attractive enough, and OP knows the interests of almost none of them. Even if it was someone he actually could get into a relationship with it's not a super exclusive group. OP's biggest issue is he doesn't people and the things he does are probably dudes and the odd girl dragged by her boyfriend if he gets out at all.

If you are not a teenager stop dispensing romantic advice and instead post a thread on how to grow up. But seriously do because this sort of thinking isn't good for you.
Nell Chopperhire - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 05:43:35 EST k2Ft4Ntn No.531804 Reply
>Lots of women are attractive enough,
>I've had an insanely intense crush for her for at least the past 6 months

it's almost like some of the posters ITT have no idea what it's like to be infatuated with another person. when you're in such a situation, you lose interest in other women (at one point I even lost interest in porn despite fapping daily for the last 15 years). I'm not OP but I've been through something like this.

why are you even on /qq/ if you can't empathize with anyone that doesn't follow your narrow rules of behavior? people have been writing about unrequited love since the beginning. this isn't a new phenomenon and it's not even close to being exclusive to teenagers.
we've also come far in psychology, and one of the things we've discovered is that telling people to "grow up/get over it" doesn't help. minimizing people's issues and looking down on them for feeling a certain way doesn't fix their problems for some weird and unknown reason.

again, it's an empathy problem. telling OP there's other fish in the sea shows that you don't understand the problem.
when >>531796 said it was high stakes, he showed that he does understand, because it's not high stakes in an objective, factual sense but on an emotion level. it FEELS high stakes to talk to your crush/potential romantic interest and that's counter-productive but also an involuntary hormonal reaction.
you know hormones right? they're supposed to continue working up until old age, they don't stop after puberty. sure, they feel more intense during puberty but that's because they're new and novel.
you can't tell your biology to "grow up".
Nell Dripperdock - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 07:10:39 EST UazQZPcT No.531805 Reply
Speaking as someone who in their mid-20's spent months endlessly thinking about someone who I'd met literally 2 times, and only one of those interactions resulted in just a "Hey, I'm _____." and the other interaction not even resulting in words exchanged; I can relate. I didn't even find the person particularly attractive, my mind just utilized my intense loneliness and built more and more of an attraction to someone who'd I forget the name of less than a month after meeting them.

OP should commit and ask them out or just stop being around them. Eventually your memory will fade and you can move on. Being around someone you find yourself caught up in "wizard autist infatuation" is just going to make you miserable. Hard facts: If your a 31 year old kissless virgin, you need to buy a hooker a few times first, then work on messing around with real women. At that age, you're never going to see women as equal until you realize sex isn't the end all be all of life.
William Clayfuck - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 10:54:06 EST F0Y+LBoU No.531809 Reply
This, there's a lot of condescension towards OP as if literally nearly all of us haven't been in that exact scenario at some point. Yes some of experienced it early on, in teenage years, but OP appears to be a late bloomer so get off his case.

I had this exact scenario on repeat growing up as the only homo for miles and falling hard for straight guys who exhibited the slightest bit of human decency towards me, except confession would have literally meant my death.

I think it was a really brave move and if this was the only way he could move on from his feelings, then he did the right thing rather than be sneaky about shit by going the friend route, knowing full well that's not what he wanted.

Each consecutive time will be easier, and maybe he will be able to be friends with some of them after.

Jesus, everyone's so negative. Good for all of you who have never been socially awkward and in love. Or, are just lying about it.
James Bobbleridge - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 11:17:56 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531810 Reply
i think it is precisely because we've all been through it that we are able to tell OP it was a bad idea to confess
but go ahead and keep telling him self sabotage is a good idea when he's a 30 year old virgin
William Clayfuck - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 11:45:38 EST F0Y+LBoU No.531811 Reply
Uh literally nothing negative came from him doing so.
He took a risk, did something waaaay outside his comfort zone, he didn't lie or manipulate anyone, even if it was awkward... so fucking what? What exactly is the harm here? It's a small step, and yeah it's not recommended, but it was the only way he could move on from his feelings.
She didn't fucking mace his eyeballs, she smiled and they went their separate ways.
What exactly are you viewing as self sabotage here, because to me it just looks awkward and a bit juvenile, yeah, but the world didn't fucking end over it and you know it.
James Bobbleridge - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 11:49:49 EST 2dpbGRKS No.531812 Reply
>self sabotage = world ending
weeew way to jump to conclusions, buddy
self sabotage is ruining your romantic chances with a girl you like by confessing your feelings, when did i say his world is ending?
Fucking Dodgeway - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 12:45:21 EST 6yyblGQR No.531813 Reply
LMAO are you fucking KIDDING ME?? Holy crap guys let's see... OP can't possibly ever recover from this. You want him to play it off?
Betsy Buzzford - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 12:48:56 EST znvZPHVt No.531814 Reply
We have been there and we know have wrong that perspective it is and how to move past it.

Yeah hormones and feelings happen. You choose how you react to them. Seriously. If you can master that lift gets easier.

It takes practice and experience but also perspective. Telling OP he is prisoner to his feelings and has to ride it out is stupid and you're discouraging him. He needs to realise that this is not how things need to be or should be past a certain point. Ironically the condescension is reserved for the people telling OP it is a big deal. Yes it feels like a big deal but feelings and hormones are just signals. This is not OP's fate, this is not what he has to be. You overcome feelings by facing the truth not wallowing in them.

This is a situation OP just needs to dust himself off and move on. And if he resolves to do that he'll very quickly overcome those feelings.

Also not all feelings are bad but it's another part of defining your relationship with your feelings. Working out how to not only avoid feelings leading you astray but them keeping you on the path and also making life worth living. Limerence for someone who doesn't know you is not one of those two groups of feelings.
Ian Blythewater - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 22:30:34 EST Ooa0gKSX No.531817 Reply
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OP here. Let me clarify a few things before the posters ITT start flinging shit at each other again.

First off, I said from the OP that I was pretty sure she was already interested in another dude and then that I had gotten photographic evidence of it in a latter post, however, even if she hadn't been interested in anyone else I don't think we would've been a good match at all, I can't offer anything except for me worshiping the ground she walks on.

With that said and knowing that I had already set my mind in not-pursuing the possibility of a relationship, what I was aiming for was ending my infatuation in a possibly positive note, and so far it seems like I succeeded. I never said anything about hooking up with her, even though I clearly want to, but it'd be a terrible idea for both parties. Other women? Who gives a shit... I wanted her, and before her I hadn't felt anything but reptilian-brain-lust in a good 5 years.

She was kind enough to not hurt me at an incredibly vulnerable moment, and I miraculously managed to not make the situation 100 times more creepy and awkward that it already was, which was honestly my biggest concern from the get go and the main reason why I wanted to end my infatuation to begin with. This wasn't in a crowd or something, it was a private one-on-one thing and it's not like we hadn't spoken a single word before this event either, part of the reason why I fell for her is because she makes me feel happy and used to make me feel comfortable when I wasn't panicking at the mere thought of saying something stupid when she's around.

For those of you saying "confessing your love" is a stupid, overly dramatic, immature etc. move, yes, you're right, but it was literally a now-or-never moment for me and I took it with great effort. Could I have done something less idiotic? Of course I could've, but the whole point here is that I was and probably still am unable to think straight around this lady. My biggest regret is that put her in the spot like a selfish asshole, for which btw she had every right to crush me, but she decided to gracefully let me know she's not interested and let me feel okay about what I did, even though I probably caused her extra anxiety she never asked for.
Ian Blythewater - Thu, 19 Sep 2019 22:45:05 EST Ooa0gKSX No.531819 Reply
try looking at her picture every morning when I wake up and every night before falling asleep, with a goofy dreamy-eyed smile
Esther Blottinglot - Fri, 20 Sep 2019 07:39:27 EST jnas4L6T No.531823 Reply

thats weird and creepy as fuck. i dont think any sane person would want that level of psychotic obsession toward them
David Bundale - Fri, 20 Sep 2019 08:02:45 EST arJ9K9Yx No.531825 Reply
Man a lot of shit is this thread is spot on and a lot overboard but dear god I hope you never did this (and if you did and still are the her smile and telling you you’re cute is 99% likely because she doesn’t want to be murdered by you).
Archie Tootbanks - Fri, 20 Sep 2019 10:45:21 EST UazQZPcT No.531828 Reply
OP gonna rape some girl he hasn't even done anything but say hey to.
Hannah Mammlelock - Fri, 20 Sep 2019 11:19:29 EST WMON++jb No.531829 Reply
That's fantastic... What do you think she's like during sex? Do you think she takes control?
Shitting Mickleson - Fri, 20 Sep 2019 14:30:20 EST DGoOj1Bf No.531830 Reply
If she is hot as hell, it would be very hard if not impossible to have a completely platonic interaction, not only because of what she expects from guys, but because you would feel the sexual dynamic in the relationship anyway, which would simply translate in your words and body language, actions. Your mind wouldn't be able to ignore the elephant in the room. Unless you are pro actor and want a fake relationship. If you feel sexually about the person, you don't have to act on it explicitly especially if the person indicates that she isn't open to that dynamic, but don't feel apologetic for how you feel, if you start being apologetic about who you are it's a surefire way to sell yourself out and loose all self asteem. Be curtious and humble, but it's no one's business who you are on the inside, it's one land where you do whatever you want and be whoever you dare or imagine, don't sell 1 share of that land anon. But just as you would like respect from others in this regard, respect the others as well, if she doesn't like you or just doesn't like you sexually respect her attitude, she is entitled to it just like you are entitled to finger her in your mind. I mean she may like you, but if you view that as a necessity you have lost before the battle.

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